Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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A Unicorn’s Guide to Dating

For some reason my reader on WordPress is full of hapless tales of dating by men and women.  Totally not a problem, although there seems to be quite a pattern of “rules and regulations” you are apparently meant to follow in the dating world which I think is quite ridiculous (and obviously not working for a lot of people).

So, as someone who has been in many a relationship (current one 4.5 years) and never actually been on a date myself – I think I’m totes the right authority here to give you all some advice on how to go about this dating bizzo!

So throw out all your The Game and He’s Just Not That Into You bibles and guides and check out my Unicorn Guide to Dating.

What to Wear

Spending hours standing outside your wardrobe trying to concieve the right outfit to wear on your date?  Do they like heels, is my skirt too short?  Should I wear a tshirt?  Well, here is a well hidden secret that fashion designers will hate you for…..wear whatever the damn hell YOU want.  That is all.  Wear a dang potato sack or onesie if that makes you comfortable.

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But NU, what if they judge me for my potato sack?

Tell them to swallow a rusty whisk and GTFO.  Do you want to be with someone who is going to fob you off for what you wear?  Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, be you!  This coming from someone who has picked people up when dressed as a dog, transvestite and a onesie.

When you should call/ text/ email

There seems to be a strict formula out there, where you should divide the time you spent together on the date and multiply that by 543 then square root to the power of 4 to get the exact time and date of when you should contact them again.  Wrong by 4.34 of a decimal? BOOM they’re gonna hate you forever!

My homies, just message when you want to talk to them.  Next day, next week, whatever.  If someone is gonna be all “ermagherd he texted me like 32 hours after our date, what a needy beedy” then stuff them!

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Disclaimer:  just don’t be a total stalker messaging fifty billion times every second before they respond to you, that is a little much…

When should the P go into the V (or P into A, or V into V… whatevs)

My current boy pretty much is a one night stand that wouldn’t go away, and now we’re totally happy and crazy living together with fur babies and shenanigans.  Actually, pretty much all my relationships (bar one as a youngun 18 year old, we waited like 3 weeks…) have been clingy one night standers. Sooooo I reckon when your pringle gets the tingle then your privates gotta mingle!

 

If they think you’re a hoe or man-whore after that, then they’re not worth your time.  The right person will know you’re worth sticking around for!

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And I think that’s enough advice for now, or you all are gonna be getting married and loved up left right and centre!  Maybe more to come when I could be bothered – I am a unicorn after all and have pretty important sparkle parties to attend to.

 

Nonsense Unicorn

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Good relationships start with sex

Most of my relationships have started with sex.  What was meant to be a one night stand always turned into two nights, three nights,  and then a legit relationship.

I think I’m a pretty straight forward kinda person,  I’ve never been one to play games when it comes to dating (and that’s probably because I’ve never actually “dated” before).  There’s all these rules that people put on dating – don’t wear this,  don’t say that,  wait three dates before you make a meat sandwich together, and to be frank I think it’s all a crock of crap.

When it comes to men (and women) and dating,  people should be free to just be themselves and do whatever feels right for them at the time.  If following these lame dating rules makes you feel good and yourself,  then sure go ahead and follow them.  But you shouldn’t do it because it’s expected of you or what you’re told to do.

So,  as I’m living proof that good relationships can come out of unconventional beginnings,  here is my dating advice!

Wear whatever you damn want

Two relationships I’ve had stemmed from costume parties.  One I was painted up like a dalmatian and spent the night running round like an idiot.  Nek minnit I’m boning some guy in a bedroom and BOOM weeks later we’re legit.  The other one I was dressed as Frank N Furter (okay maybe the corset did the trick),  and that too turned into something more.

I don’t wear heels cos they hurt my feet and I don’t give a shit about having to “look hot” or impress people at the peril of my own comfort.  Stuff that.  When I was younger I used to,  but I got over that quick smart.  When I met the boy,  I came straight from work wearing thongs and a simple dress and then BOOM we’re churning butter.

Wear what you would normally wear.  Why go all out to try and be different – so you can bag a man and then be all “BOOM, SUCKER!  Tricked you,  I actually live in trackies all day.”  If you’re comfortable,  that exudes through your essence and in turn is attractive.

If a guy is going to judge you,  then maybe he’s not the right guy for you!  Unless you wanna be with some superficial jerk…

Be your retarded self

If you’re too scared to be yourself with someone when you meet,  what do you think will happen if it does go further?

Don’t play games,  be silly,  be funny,  and if they’re the right person they’ll love it!  If they think you’re a weirdo then punch em in the spleen and move on.

If sex feels right,  then do it

If you’re horny and both consensually wanna roast the broomstick,  then do it.  Why deprive yourself of what you want because of some rules people wanna place on you?

You shouldn’t do it for any other reason other than you really want to,  and that’s okay.

If he’s gonna judge you for it,  then he can fuck off because there are guys out there that will find your confidence in taking life (and his peen) by the horns!

Boom!

Be strong and tell them what they want

“I don’t want to scare him away”

“Does he like me?”

“Did I do this wrong?”

“Maybe I should wait…”

Why are so many of us putting so much of our self worth into waiting for a guy to declare their want for us?  I learnt this lesson the hard way,  which you can read here if you could be bothered.  I read a lot of blogs on here about relationships and love and blah,  and this is a reoccurring pattern that annoys me.

Be empowered and tell them what you want.  Because YOU. ARE. WORTH. IT.

I bagged the Boy after our one night stand and a month of fucking around by having balls and telling him what I wanted.  Yep,  it was freakin scary and I knew it could go either way,  but after 3 years of pain because I was waiting for a fucking man to tell me I’m worth love and worth wanting,  I wasn’t prepared to be that pathetic again.

The boy had been going through hard times,  he was on the bed and cried that he didn’t know if he was ready for a relationship.

My response:  that’s totally cool if you don’t want a relationship,  but if that’s the case then we can continue to be friends but that means no more sleepovers because I don’t want that.

I think he was a tad shocked that OMG a woman actually said what she wanted,  he told me that we values me and cares for me too much that even though he’s scared to love again,  I am worth the risk and he wants me to be his girlfriend.

So if you’re killing yourself wondering about what he wants,  continue to give him concessions and excuses,  use your lady balls and just be honest.

Scared he will run away?  Then let him run,  because you are worth it.  Stop letting flippant men think you are anything else.

I think this is a pretty key part of turning sex into a relationship too – you’ve already offered up your meat sandwich,  if you don’t actually speak up then you could be leaving the guy to think the sex is all you want too.

And that’s all I could be bothered to write.  I hope this helps someone out there!

Nonsense Unicorn


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Pussy Power

This post has been a long time coming, mainly because I felt like in ‘giving this secret away’, men might take it the wrong way. But I’ve honestly had enough of watching women succumb to the pressures of attracting men.

Men, try not to take this as a negative, it’s Rambling Goat empowering women. I love you guys, and don’t you forget it.

This is for all the girls who.. Ahh fuck it, this is for all girls.

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There is nothing here that I’m about to say that you don’t know. Some of us just forget occasionally and a lot of us don’t use this information to our advantage. But listen up – There’s a magical treasure box of awesomeness between your legs.

Words don’t even begin to describe how amazingly awesome this little region is. It’s nature at its finest. It’s so much more intense than say, a leg. Its intricate, internal *and* external, and sensitive. It has demands. It affects our ability to think/focus. It’s pleasure can make us feel like we’re flying to another planet. Or if you really push it to the extreme limit of pleasure, well I assume thats how a heroin junkie feels after they shoot up. Can’t move, can’t talk, need a blanket, floating.

Its a crazy part of the body, but we can get so used to having a vagina that we forget how truly awesome it is.

Men love our vaginas. And why wouldn’t they; we smell and taste good (so long as we keep our hygiene up!), have a whole bunch of magical folds and bumps that respond to touch, and are the perfect puzzle piece for their manlihood.

It’s like a game to play with someone else’s punani. There’s so many different combinations of touch and when you get the right ones for that girl, bingo, you hit the jackpot. Its like a very hands-on video game. Any man that does not want to play this video game is nuts. Well ok, I’ll be more rational – they may have a severe lack of confidence, mental issues, or are immature and just after their own pleasure (poke poke spooge). Let’s say 99% of men *want* their tongue in your folds, but some don’t go through with it. Its the want/need/desire they have for our vaginas that is important in this post.

Let’s put this simply. A vagina feels better for a guy than a hand. It’s wet, bumpy, tight (well ok not always..), soft and has a moaning girl attached to it. There’s also other sexy features nearby – the bum and the tits. And don’t forget the soft skin, arching back, curved hips etc etc. Yep, us women have all the right stuff to arouse hetero men. And some other women 😀

We already all joke that the penis has a mind of its own, but surprise surprise, we hold the key that controls that mind. If women all over the world all went on a holiday away from men, they’d still wank at the thought of us. Its human nature to be sexually attracted to others and we’ve got the goods to attract men.

The best part is, we carry the treasure box (and other fun features) around with us every. single. day. Yep, we can walk into a room of men and know that we hold the key. And this is what I like to call Pussy Power. It’s the confidence from awareness. I know I can walk down the street and have guys not only look at me, but think sexual thoughts about me. If I get rejected at a bar, I know I can walk over to the next group of guys and find a taker if I so wish. I refuse to be put off and emotionally scarred by one guy when I know the majority of men would be happy to have me. This pussy power awareness makes me confident. And guess what, confidence is sexy.

So ladies, realise that you have pussy power. I’m not telling you to go around telling everyone how awesome you are, how you have pussy power and can attract a man at the drop of a hat. I’m telling you to say it in your head. On the outside is a smile, a good posture of straight back and chest out, butt feeling a bit more pert and cute than usual and if you’re wearing high heels then there’s definitely a sexy strut to accompany all this. No one knows what’s going on in your head except you. They just see what’s on the outside and with pussy power thoughts on the inside, the outside looks will be that much more sexy.

Next time you get rejected, forget him. Pussy power didn’t work on him (maybe he’s already taken, or you’re not exactly his cup of tea) but it sure as heck will work on the next guy. Don’t give up. You own a magical treasure box of awesomeness and don’t you forget it.

Rambling Goat