Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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ART WANK

I’ve always been of the somewhat opinion that contemporary art is a bunch of massive wank.  My appreciation always halted at Lichtenstein, or sometimes Warhol, but after that it’s always rather pissed me off than anything else.  Compared to the actual skill and talent of the classics, I have been all WTF is with painting a canvas black (I can do that), smack a $20,000 price tag on it and call it art because the art resides in what is not on the canvas. Piss off.

Anyway, this is all up until I visited MONA and ermagherd some artworks actually made me feel shit.  Quite a surprise. If you haven’t been, you totally need to go to Tasmania and check this out!  It’s pretty much a museum of art that’s the private collection of this gambling guru, so there’s a mix of old awesome stuff and weird ass contemporary shit (like literally a shit machine. Literally. It eats and poops. Art.)

So after my visit, there’s a few artists that I have been obsessing about since then.  I couldn’t be bothered to provide my review cos that’s not what I’m writing about.  If you like creepy Silent Hillesque shit, check out Patricia Piccinini or Berlinde De Bruyckere.  I’ve always been a bit of a morbid unicorn, there’s just a certain beauty in the seemingly twisted and grotesque artworks. I’m loving it.

One particular artist I’m obsessing about and have had epiphanies (well, not really, but felt something something) about life and all that kinda crap is Andres Serrano.  He’s a famous and hectic controversial photographer, where he’s used a lot of bodily fluids in photos (think Metallica Load and Reload album covers! That’s his blood and spooge!), as well as taken photos of the Klu Klux Klan and homeless people.  “Controversial”, but again there’s just a different perspective and beauty to his art where for the first time I actually appreciate a photographer, where most I’ve met are super duper wankers.

I’m not so much interested in all that work mentioned above, but he did a project called The Morgue Series (Cause of Death).  Pretty much he had access to a morgue and took photos of some dead people.  But seriously, it’s not as crass or horrible as it first sounds.  I’m not going to post any of the pictures here because everyone has difference experiences and thoughts and feelings on death, but I saw one of these photos at Mona and it just made me feel…..not numb. Even for a moment.

Click here if you want to see Blood Transfusion Resulting in AIDS by Andres Serrano, the picture that has made me think and feel and shit.  I’ve never really been scared of death, I’ve always felt a somewhat peaceful release associated with it, and this picture, as well as the others, still manages to capture the soul and life of going to the other side…

SO! Here’s where the lamebo part comes in.  I went to a friend’s party on the weekend and an old mate, who used to be legit cool and nice and down to earth back in school days, but now is a massive wanker photographer (who mainly takes hipster wedding photos and glamour shots of his girlfriend) sits down to have a chat.  He starts the usual mundane “what’s been happening, what you doing etc” conversation, but me being adverse to that boring bullcrap small talk, bring up Andres Serrano.

“OMG ArtWank, you know Andres Serrano right?  He’s super famous, if you haven’t you really need to check his shit out as a photographer.  He takes photos of spooge and dead people, but man there’s a strange magic to what he does.  Look him up!”

He googles the name, sees the picture of Piss Christ, looks at me weird, and then totally does the “uhh… I have to go over here now”.

What. A. Wanker.  Like, okay so you don’t have to like it, but I always feel that, particularly in the art world, you should always be open and perhaps know your art?  Know your competition?  Be aware of other modes of creation, instead of living in your own bubble of what you do?  And moreover, screw you for being a wanker!  You used to be cool with my inherent strange conversations but now you’re just allergic to fun.

I’ve gotten used to weirding people out with my morbid obscurity, but seriously. Open your mind.

ON an unrelated matter, totally re-discovering The Smiths.  Where were they when I was a hopelessly melancholic teenager? (Who am I trying to kid saying was lol only change is I’ve got more wrinkles and saggy tits now…)

Nonsense Unicorn over and out

 

 


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Am I the only one?

We all have our weird quirks and habits, especially when we are alone and think that no one else knows.

Well, out of plain curiosity you will now all know some of the weird things I do! As I ask you all: am I the only one? Surely not, right?

I trace words with my tongue on the back of my teeth

My subconscious brain will extract a particularly satisfying word I have heard that day, and will begin to trace it in cursive back and forth on the back of my teeth…

Am I the only one? Or mildly OCD?

Find my farts hilarious

Sometimes I’ll be alone and they will toot in a specially funny way and I can’t help but crack up.

I use my boobs and stomach as a table

Cheaper than buying a stable table, comfier than sitting in an upright position.

Read the shampoo bottle in the shower

And the gel. And the soap. And the face wash. It feels more satisfying than reading a good book.

Miss my mouth when brushing my teeth

This happens more frequently than one would think. Toothpaste in the eye does not create a fresher outlook on life.

And a thought to leave you with: ever noticed how your tongue doesn’t sit comfortably in your mouth?
Over and out

Nonsense unicorn


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Useless Talents

I was listening to the radio with ‘the hulk’ a couple of weeks ago. We got talking about singing. I said “well I can’t sing but it’s kind of a useless talent anyway in the scheme of things..” He replies with “its pretty useful if you’re making money off it”.

So I got thinking about useless talents and decided I’ve got plenty of legitimately useless talents. I tried to impress him with my list;
*I can touch my foot to my head
*I can write backwards
*I have 2 double jointed fingers
*I can raise each eyebrow independently
*I can flare my nostrils
*I can burp and hiccup at the same time! Totally not on purpose though. My mum also does it..
*I can tell if lines are perfectly parallel or perpendicular, and if they’re not, about how many cm they are out. Seriously.. It’s a ridiculous talent. My dad says I’d be good at hanging picture frames. Thanks life!

We decided that there are some useless talents that *most* people can do and therefore can’t be included;
*Sensing when someone is looking at you
*Men doing a ‘mangina’

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That's the trusty mangina in action. Why is this in a proper photoshoot?! LOL

Just when I was feeling really awesome about my number of useless talents, he stumped me with his list;
*He can raise his eyebrows independently
*Flare his nostrils
*Write left-handed
*Touch his tongue to his nose
*Crack his knuckles one handed
*Copy drawings exactly (like a human photocopier haha!)
*Squash a bottle cap one handed
*Tie a noose (but isn’t suicidal and doesn’t think he’ll ever be)
*Double jointed (I can’t remember where, finger/wrist maybe?)
*Flip a coaster up from the edge of a table and catch it (he said he could do it with his eyes closed too, but I’ve seen him do this while drunk and I’m not convinced..)
*Dislocate his shoulder on purpose – he said he dislocated it during birth and now he can keep doing it. I said “haha wow, what a way to enter the harsh reality of life!” He responded “yeah my parents said ‘welcome to the game, boy.'”

So anyway, basically he won. I was sad until I realised it meant he was more useless than me. Haha!! 😉

Out of interest, here’s some other useless talents of my friends/acquaintances:
*I have a friend who can lick her elbow
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*My mum can cramp her toe on purpose
*My mum can also pick up things with her feet (another possible reason why I have a foot phobia)
*I know a woman who always tries to finish people’s sentences while they’re speaking (kind of like how a twin might, but she has no twin so does it with everyone). Usually she gets it right, but sometimes I mix up the ending and it throws her off and internally I cackle like a maniac 😀

So pray tell, what is YOUR useless talent? If you say you haven’t got any, you haven’t thought long enough! 😛

Rambling Goat


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So Fugly they’re Cute

I’ve been watching some animal doco’s lately and thought I’d share some so-fugly-they’re-cute animals I’ve seen 😀

Coati

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Bear meets lemur meets pig.

Kangaroo Rat

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Its tiny and jumps like a kangaroo awww!

Elephant Shrew

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It has a freakin trunk!

Bumblebee Bat

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Its soooo tiny!

If you want to see some even weirder motherfucking shit (sorry but when you see the photos you’ll understand why I need to use that language) go here. Its probably safe to look at before bed but I’ve just been looking at before and after methhead mugshots and can’t sleep, so maybe my freak-out radar is a bit distracted. And now Embarrassing Bodies is on TV and they just said “painful pustules” and “teeth abscesses”. Fuuuuuuuck I’m screwed.

Rambling Goat


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My Fridge is Alive

So I bought a second hand fridge from a bunch of stoners up the road. Turns out that in the middle of the night it no joke, makes laughing and sex noises. No, I’m not getting confused between a fridge and actual people, its the fridge. AND THEN I walk right up to it when its making the noises and it stops. Wtf.

Here’s a list of possibilities I’ve deduced could be the reason:
1. Its an actual living robot that’s having sex with the toaster. Loudly.
2. The stoners have attached a walkie talkie behind the fridge (and if they’re smart enough, a spy camera to record my reaction).
3. For some reason the fridge is making ME stoned.
4. I’m in a coma and this is my strange dream life. I guess my brain got bored with the norm so has added a ‘craaaaazy fridge’ into the mix.
5. There’s some sort of parallel universe that’s using the fridge as a portal. I’m pretty sure some chocolates got eaten, so I guess ‘aliens’ like chocolate (ok I’m starting to think number 3 may be helping with this idea).
6. I’ve actually finally gone insane. Or was I insane all along? Dang.
7. Its some sort of lame recurring dream. Which I sometimes have before I even go to bed.

I’m starting to think maybe this is the reason WHY those boys were stoners. The fridge drove them to drugs to escape the reality of their sad life living in close proximity to a sex addicted (but jolly) fridge. And now they’re all clean shaven, suit-wearing, pillars of society, while I’m slowly driven to insanity.

In other news, does anyone want to buy a fridge?

Rambling Goat