Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Why don’t Aussies have thanksgiving?!

So there’s a few big things that I believe are so so important in life:

*keep ourselves happy – find the positives in any given situation (as hard as that may be sometimes!). Its not all doom and gloom! I heard a great quote once;

If you don’t like something, change it.
If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.

Focusing on negatives all the time is too tiring, be kind to the mind!

*keep ourselves entertained and amused – don’t take life so seriously, laugh and be ridiculous without caring so much! Having good friends, little to no shame and stepping outside your comfort zone will definitely help ūüėõ Don’t just sit at home and be bored everyday.

*help others when we can – its the old trick of karma, you only deserve good things in life if you are good to others ūüôā so don’t just think of yourself and do things for you (although that is super important too) but do things for others too. Linux fans might already know this one;

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*appreciate the little things as well as the big – ok yeah you win lotto and are excited but guess what? We all win lotto everyday. We wake up alive. Pretty nice huh? ūüôā See, money buys you things but doesn’t do shit if you’re not alive first.

So I guess today (or yesterday? Timezone confusion!) is about the fourth one. Happy thanksgiving folks!

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Here’s what I’m thankful for:
*good friends and family
*a lovely supportive community on WordPress that cracks me up, teaches me new things and stirs my loins
*somehow surviving in a world where I never have money and everything is expensive
*being alive in a day and age where I can be who I want and not give a shit what anyone thinks (I don’t think I would have survived in the 50’s! Or probably any time before that either!)

And what I like to think are pretty obvious;
*beer
*cheese
*sex
*sex toys
*the smell of rain on a hot road
*the colour green. And blue. They’re pretty rad
*hair dye (post coming on this shortly..)
*slippers/ugg boots
*lingerie
*flirtatious personalities (lookin at you jblondie haha!)
*the internet
*humour
*pets
*planes
*the feeling of my bare feet on grass
*boobs
*magical treasure boxes of awesomeness aka vaginas
*auto correct getting shit wrong (last night instead of telling sharn I’m awkwardly retarded, I told her I’m awkwardly breastfed! Cue the cackling and google images.. LOL)

Yep I think I covered all bases there. Thanks life!

Rambling Goat

Ps. Because I’m still giggling (and helping you tick off the second thing on my list) here’s our favourite ‘awkwardly breastfed’ pictures:

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You know the sex is bad when…

Sometimes sex just isn’t’ as glamorous or as easy as the movies make it out to be. ¬†Especially when you are a naturally awkward person like me who can trip over on flat surfaces, ¬†it can get you into some hilariously awkward situations.

In light of this, ¬†I thought I would share some of the sexcapades I have embarked on that I’m not completely proud of (or sure it even happened…)

You know the sex is bad when…..

  • You pretend to cry to get out of it
    One night a younger, drunk and naive version of myself got face raped by an acquaintance-friend of a friend in a club and lured out to his car for “a lift home”. ¬†I wasn’t even attracted to this guy, ¬†but young NU was impressionable when it came to this kinda stuff and didn’t really know how to say no.
    Nek minnit, ¬†he’s fumbling like a blind koala with no thumbs, ¬†deep throating me with his tongue and getting me naked. ¬†Without any foreplay, ¬†he tried to stick his frankfurt in my dry fur burger – uh duh, ¬†no play means no way my friend!
    So, ¬†the only way I thought I could get out of this terrible situation was to start crying and tell him I’m sorry but I’m still in love with my ex (totally wasn’t). ¬†Thank fuck that worked and he drove me home.
  • You suck so bad you get a friend to finish the job
    One night Rambling Goat and I went to some random house party (random cos I didn’t know them), ¬†turning up a bit later and catching up on alcoholic beverages. ¬†We were also sharing a bottle of honey vodka, ¬†which seemed like a legit idea at the time.
    Some how this party turned into a lesbian orgy with whipped cream and naked ham wallets everywhere. I’m not naturally¬†bi, ¬†but I’m pretty easy going, ¬†have made out with chicks before and drunkenly thought “yeah! Let’s do this!” ¬†RG is next to me going down on a chick, ¬†I’m randomly making out with a chick who I can’t even tell what she looks like I’m that off my face – nek minnit I’m having a meal out of her wet lettuce. ¬†But HOLY CRAP I’m fucking drunk and realise I have no freakin idea what to do to cook some meat curtains!
    So I grab RG’s head and shove it in my girl’s lady locker telling her to help me out here (yep, ¬†I’m all class when I’m drinking!) ¬†Then a guy comes in and I tell him to finish her, ¬†which he obliges to while we stand awkwardly at the window smoking fags.
    This was then followed by me *apparently* naked vomiting into a bath and passing out (I say apparently because if I can’t see it it’s not there and I don’t remember so it makes in pure conjecture!).
    That was my first (and probably last because I’m so hilariously scarred) lesbian encounter (and encounter with honey vodka, ¬†you evil poison you).
  • It’s so small you don’t even know if you did it
    I had a friend once where we constantly flirted and joked about doing the deed. ¬†Pretty sure now he actually liked me, ¬†but I was completely oblivious to it. ¬†Anyway. ¬†After a handful of ages of joking about it, ¬†one day we decided to actually do it because…. you know, whatever?
    He was slightly bigger, ¬†we were in the backseat of his car, ¬†I straddled him, ¬†but I guess the position we were in and the size of his peen I don’t even know if it went in….or if we even finished…..it was so fucking awkward. ¬†I didn’t want to do the “is it in yet?” thing because that would be devastating, ¬†but I just didn’t know what to do.
    Now, ¬†I don’t have a problem with peeny size and I think it was just the position, ¬†but after this awkward encounter we didn’t really try again.

And there you have it,  a small snapshot of some of the awkward sexual encounters I have had.

It’s not always sunshines and orgasms my friends, ¬†but at least you can lol about it later.

Nonsense Unicorn


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Pussy Power

This post has been a long time coming, mainly because I felt like in ‘giving this secret away’, men might take it the wrong way. But I’ve honestly had enough of watching women succumb to the pressures of attracting men.

Men, try not to take this as a negative, it’s Rambling Goat empowering women. I love you guys, and don’t you forget it.

This is for all the girls who.. Ahh fuck it, this is for all girls.

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There is nothing here that I’m about to say that you don’t know. Some of us just forget occasionally and a lot of us don’t use this information to our advantage. But listen up – There’s a magical treasure box of awesomeness between your legs.

Words don’t even begin to describe how amazingly awesome this little region is. It’s nature at its finest. It’s so much more intense than say, a leg. Its intricate, internal *and* external, and sensitive. It has demands. It affects our ability to think/focus. It’s pleasure can make us feel like we’re flying to another planet. Or if you really push it to the extreme limit of pleasure, well I assume thats how a heroin junkie feels after they shoot up. Can’t move, can’t talk, need a blanket, floating.

Its a crazy part of the body, but we can get so used to having a vagina that we forget how truly awesome it is.

Men love our vaginas. And why wouldn’t they; we smell and taste good (so long as we keep our hygiene up!), have a whole bunch of magical folds and bumps that respond to touch, and are the perfect puzzle piece for their manlihood.

It’s like a game to play with someone else’s punani. There’s so many different combinations of touch and when you get the right ones for that girl, bingo, you hit the jackpot. Its like a very hands-on video game. Any man that does not want to play this video game is nuts. Well ok, I’ll be more rational – they may have a severe lack of confidence, mental issues, or are immature and just after their own pleasure (poke poke spooge). Let’s say 99% of men *want* their tongue in your folds, but some don’t go through with it. Its the want/need/desire they have for our vaginas that is important in this post.

Let’s put this simply. A vagina feels better for a guy than a hand. It’s wet, bumpy, tight (well ok not always..), soft and has a moaning girl attached to it. There’s also other sexy features nearby – the bum and the tits. And don’t forget the soft skin, arching back, curved hips etc etc. Yep, us women have all the right stuff to arouse hetero men. And some other women ūüėÄ

We already all joke that the penis has a mind of its own, but surprise surprise, we hold the key that controls that mind. If women all over the world all went on a holiday away from men, they’d still wank at the thought of us. Its human nature to be sexually attracted to others and we’ve got the goods to attract men.

The best part is, we carry the treasure box (and other fun features) around with us every. single. day. Yep, we can walk into a room of men and know that we hold the key. And this is what I like to call Pussy Power. It’s the confidence from awareness. I know I can walk down the street and have guys not only look at me, but think sexual thoughts about me. If I get rejected at a bar, I know I can walk over to the next group of guys and find a taker if I so wish. I refuse to be put off and emotionally scarred by one guy when I know the majority of men would be happy to have me. This pussy power awareness makes me confident. And guess what, confidence is sexy.

So ladies, realise that you have pussy power. I’m not telling you to go around telling everyone how awesome you are, how you have pussy power and can attract a man at the drop of a hat. I’m telling you to say it in your head. On the outside is a smile, a good posture of straight back and chest out, butt feeling a bit more pert and cute than usual and if you’re wearing high heels then there’s definitely a sexy strut to accompany all this. No one knows what’s going on in your head except you. They just see what’s on the outside and with pussy power thoughts on the inside, the outside looks will be that much more sexy.

Next time you get rejected, forget him. Pussy power didn’t work on him (maybe he’s already taken, or you’re not exactly his cup of tea) but it sure as heck will work on the next guy. Don’t give up. You own a magical treasure box of awesomeness and don’t you forget it.

Rambling Goat


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Big Penis Entering Vagina

I find it hilariously amusing sometimes to go into the stats and see the search terms that have led people to discover the joy of our blog.

The latest is as follows:

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I don’t know if they found what they’re looking for here, but either way I hope they were pleased!

(Oh, I guess sorry to the peeps who thought this would be a devious post … Not today!)

Nonsense Unicorn


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Some more adventures

Well I’ve been busy renovating so haven’t had a whole lot of free time to do posts but I’m still reading all your lovely blogs.

This week has been looooong but considering I thought today was Wednesday (and its actually Friday), I’m wondering if that means it’s actually been a short week?! Oh well, whatevs.

Anyway never fear, I’m up to my usual antics. Today for instance I tried to push a chicken into its house and felt my finger touch (and push against) its butthole. We both freaked out and moved hastily away from the other. Awkward..

Yesterday my mum came over and we were drinking beer and eating chips on the couch. She dropped a chip and started feeling around for the chip between the couch and the armchair pushed against it. Well she didn’t find the chip, but instead reefed out a bag with a little bottle of lube and toy cleaner in it. ‘Ohh what’s this? Moist!’ Yep one had ‘MOIST – personal lubricant’ written on it. Fml.

The builder and tradesmen have been thoroughly entertained so far too, with one spotting me picking my nose (it was more of a quick scratch than a full dig..).

One day (I guess it was Wednesday – the real one) I turned up to be their labourer with pink nail polish on and got a few ‘ohh what a classic girl’ looks. Well I don’t own nail polish remover and had been to a party on the weekend so my bad. Didn’t help me gain any respect on a building site, that’s for sure. I should have pointed out my unshaved legs to help balance it out..

And the last week I picked up a couple of dog turds one morning and threw them into my toilet. I got distracted with the builder turning up so left and went next door to my parents house. Turns out one of the guys was a plumber and had been working on and around the toilet, with the lid up and turds sitting there for all to see. I came back later and asked the plumber if I could turn the water on or not. He replied “yes, just don’t use the bathroom unless you want me to see what you’ve been doing.” Ohhhh shit. He thinks the dog turds are mine. Well that’s awkward.

And no, I’m not done. See, I went to a party on the weekend. It had a 1920s ‘Great Gatsby’ theme so everything started fine and dandy, with class. I even wore a dress and heels *shock horror* – although it lasted an hr then I got changed into pants, a vest over a see-through shirt (with no bra reeoww!) and bowler hat.
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Well apparently a party with free alcohol at the house where you’re sleeping is bad news because nek minute I’m drunkenly telling someone that I’m gonna be rich soon (I get a portion of profits on the house I’m renovating). And that I’m gonna ‘get my money out in 1 dollar bills and make it rain!’. We don’t have 1 dollar bills here, we have coins. And I have no idea who I was talking to but I remember the kind of laughter that a sober girl does while looking around for any excuse to get away from you.

Well then there’s god knows how long of time that I can’t remember and another memory. I told the guy who’s engagement party it was for that I was going to marry my ex (‘the hulk’). They’re soon to be brother in laws so I wasn’t drunkenly rambling about a random to this guy but I think I got a bit carried away with the whole engagement vibe – I don’t actually want to get married at all. And neither does the ex. I’m so anti-marriage that the only good thing I find at a wedding is hilarious speeches bagging the groom out and free booze.

Looking at the present table at this engagement party made me want to spew because giving people presents for ‘getting engaged’ aka ‘possibly going to get married in the future’ seems unnecessarily ridiculous to me. I’m possibly going to take a shit later but I don’t go around celebrating it and getting presents.

My friend (who got married, and now divorced) had a $400 toaster on her gift register. Get fucked. They’d already lived together for like 3 years and had everything, owned a house and all that. So what did cheeky little anti-marriage RG get her? An oxfam goat for a village in Africa. Suck a dick. You need to open your superficial materialistic little eyes and look at the world. And shove that fancy toaster up your clacker.

Needless to say we’re not friends anymore (not from the goat present) so I still grin at my awesome choice on that one. But yes, this all highlights how stupid I think weddings are. And yet here I was telling this guy I was going to get married. God. Must have been pretty wasted at that point.

At some point after that the mother’s friend (who is normally prim and proper and only has 1-2 wines) is passed out on the grass next to the aviary. Its always good to know your not the drunkest, so another drink!

Well we ended up in the hulks man cave watching the hobbit and while he was passed out (snoring while sitting up), I ask the room a question “what’s better, vaginas or dragons?”. I think there were about 11 people in there, 3 girls and the rest guys. One girl said penis (?) and ALL THE GUYS SAID DRAGONS. Well I said vagina, the other girl said vagina and that was enough for me. I started kissing her. All the boys turned and looked so I called them liars. Seems the thought of girls distracted them from their precious dragons on TV.
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They pointed out that they loved vaginas but:
a) with a pet dragon you’d be able to get as many vaginas as you want and
b) they were high.
Fair enough.

They also said vaginas don’t breathe fire and the Russian girl (who chose penis earlier) said “you dont know that”. Cue the questionable looks and thoughts of ‘oh god, does this russian chic know some awesome party trick?!’

The reasoning for vaginas was simple – they’re awesome. The smell, the wetness, the fact you can put your face in them. Yep, we were sticking to our guns, vaginas are better.

Anyway fuck it, I forgot about anyone else in the room and was quite enjoying myself biting this girl on the neck and such and then the hulk wakes up. We were sitting on the bed next to him so I guess he sensed 2 bisexual girls making out on his bed or something. But here’s the catch, he’s got the hots for her (and it seems that she does for him too). He can’t go for her because she’s a good friend of his brothers (apparently that’s a no-go zone), so what did drunken RG do? Said “hey watch this”, kissed her, then said “you jealous?” Yeah. I’m a bitch. He said no but I’d say he was just covering his own arse. In an ideal world that could have been a threesome but my world isn’t ideal – they all left soon after that and I vomited into a bucket while the hulk watched on. Yeah, I got karma.

And then instead of flying home on sunday, I chose to miss my flight (hungover plane trips are the worst!) and he paid for another flight for me on Monday. Oh, bless. He’s a darl.

And, I’m taking a break from drinking. Just kidding! But I won’t drink for 12 hrs straight again in a hurry. I was even drinking passion pop at one point.. Yeah the cheapest nastiest wine that 15 yr old girls drink. In fact it was the first alcohol I had – I was 13 and I fell down a flight of stairs. Classy since way back.

Anyway! I can’t even remember what the point of this post was anymore. That being an awkward drunken maniac is fun? I dunno, whatevs. Brain = good. Brb, gotta grow back some more brain cells.

Rambling Goat


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Dick Photos

Ok folks, the inevitable has happened. I’ve had dick photos sent to me. Yeah, more than one, like it was a modeling photoshoot or something. Guys get squirmish if we mention tampons or pap smears, yet we have to deal with far more from them.

The cocky (haha) ones are sending photos or flopping them out at parties while drunk, the self conscious ones right before sex mention that ‘its not big but it does the job’ (this has happened to me several times!! I don’t care, just hurry up and make it do its job or get out!) and the immature ones doodle (haha) pics of dicks everywhere like they have some sort of dick obsession. Shouldn’t they be doodling boobs? Or vaginas? You’re focusing on the wrong bit!¬†

I think honestly the worst thing to say is ‘just touch him’ because I, like many women, already consider dicks some sort of alien creature with its own brain. I’m not dickphobic, but personifying it to be like some sort of second person is strange. However, I’m totally hypocritical on this one.¬†

I’m not interested in dating, so this guy I sometimes see doesn’t interest me in the dating sense, but I do travel god knows how far and take photos even while muddy and injured (see my valentines day post if you don’t know what I’m talking about) for him. And that’s totally not me. I’m no weakling who fawns over men, and I certainly don’t *normally* flit around like some magical sex fairy. So all I can put it down to is that my vagina is obsessed with him, and I’m just along for the ride. So yeah its strange and hypocritical but I can safely say that any guy that has personified their dick to me, hasn’t been interested in me OR had their dick obsessed with me.¬†

Point of the story is, guys, when you’re reeling back in horror about our tampon convo, we’re reeling back, laughing and then sending those glorious dick photos to our bestie. Some girls might love a good dick photo sent to them, but I find it extremely awkward. What do you respond to that?! ‘Uhh thanksss that was greeeat!’ I never asked for it, I kinda wasn’t attracted to you in the first place, and now I’ve seen your junk I really don’t want to sleep with you at all. Send me a photo of you vacuuming or doing the washing up (we all know thats the holy grail!) or maybe even just a happy smiling shot and I might change my tune. Well he didn’t, he sent a photo of his teddy. Held up next to his face. And told me it slept in his bed. Not kidding in the slightest.

Fml.

Rambling Goat


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Pap Smear Freakouts

Ok girls, they’re already so awkward already, but at my last one I had far more of a freakout than I ever have. I guess I should always book them in first thing in the morning, because being at lunchtime I had far too much time to let my brain run rampant.

I’d just moved to a new area, and googled gynos to organise to book in. I was already freaked out because out of two reputable places, one was an older man with a moustache. There’s something that screams creepy about an old man gyno with a moustache.. Luckily the other one was a women’s health centre with only female doctors, phewwww!

So anyway here listed is all the stupid thoughts I (and maybe you have) had pre-pappo.

  1. What if I missed a spot shaving and there’s some random patch of hair.
  2. What if I didn’t calculate the timing right with shaving and end up with a shaving rash. She’ll probably think I’m diseased.
  3. What if I cut myself shaving and have some bloody vagina wound?!?!
  4. What if I get sweaty in the car trip on the way over and blast her with my sweaty gooch odour. 
  5. What if my vagina is the last one she sees before lunch? She might be eating her sandwich and have the image of my vagina imprinted on her brain.
  6. What if I FART! Wow, now that would be reeeeeally awkward.
  7. What if I randomly get my rags ohhhhh god!
  8. What if she has some assistant (like the hose sucker girl at the dentist) and I actually KNOW her. Wayyy awkward.
  9. What if they decide to do some educational training for a nurse/training doctor (or group of them!) and they come in and watch!
  10. What if I go to the bathroom first but get a little piece of toilet paper stuck in my nether region (this has happened to me before – my partner at the time was giggling, I ask whats so funny, he says nothing, I look down and there’s a little ripped of piece of toilet paper still stuck there. I’m such a classy chic haha fooouuurrrrccckkk!)

Anyway, in conclusion, none of that happened. It was fine.

However.

The next week I was out at this big monthly market day and turn to look at a stall and who is behind me? Yep, my gyno. I’m pretty sure she didnt see me, so I wander off. Quickly. My nan wants to know where I’m going in a hurry. I explain my gyno is there and I don’t really want to have an awkward convo where we’re making small chat but both know she’s pretty much seen my insides.

As my nan was fertively glancing back to ‘spot the gyno’, I started thinking. This woman would be walking around the markets recognising women and knowing what their vaginas look like. Its kind of like having xray vision. She’s got this hilarious superhero power that most men (and I guess some women) would love to have. And all that the rest of us plebs have is to ‘imagine people in their underwear’ when we’re doing public speaking. Lameee!

Rambling Goat