Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


15 Comments

Useless Talents

I was listening to the radio with ‘the hulk’ a couple of weeks ago. We got talking about singing. I said “well I can’t sing but it’s kind of a useless talent anyway in the scheme of things..” He replies with “its pretty useful if you’re making money off it”.

So I got thinking about useless talents and decided I’ve got plenty of legitimately useless talents. I tried to impress him with my list;
*I can touch my foot to my head
*I can write backwards
*I have 2 double jointed fingers
*I can raise each eyebrow independently
*I can flare my nostrils
*I can burp and hiccup at the same time! Totally not on purpose though. My mum also does it..
*I can tell if lines are perfectly parallel or perpendicular, and if they’re not, about how many cm they are out. Seriously.. It’s a ridiculous talent. My dad says I’d be good at hanging picture frames. Thanks life!

We decided that there are some useless talents that *most* people can do and therefore can’t be included;
*Sensing when someone is looking at you
*Men doing a ‘mangina’

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That's the trusty mangina in action. Why is this in a proper photoshoot?! LOL

Just when I was feeling really awesome about my number of useless talents, he stumped me with his list;
*He can raise his eyebrows independently
*Flare his nostrils
*Write left-handed
*Touch his tongue to his nose
*Crack his knuckles one handed
*Copy drawings exactly (like a human photocopier haha!)
*Squash a bottle cap one handed
*Tie a noose (but isn’t suicidal and doesn’t think he’ll ever be)
*Double jointed (I can’t remember where, finger/wrist maybe?)
*Flip a coaster up from the edge of a table and catch it (he said he could do it with his eyes closed too, but I’ve seen him do this while drunk and I’m not convinced..)
*Dislocate his shoulder on purpose – he said he dislocated it during birth and now he can keep doing it. I said “haha wow, what a way to enter the harsh reality of life!” He responded “yeah my parents said ‘welcome to the game, boy.'”

So anyway, basically he won. I was sad until I realised it meant he was more useless than me. Haha!! 😉

Out of interest, here’s some other useless talents of my friends/acquaintances:
*I have a friend who can lick her elbow
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*My mum can cramp her toe on purpose
*My mum can also pick up things with her feet (another possible reason why I have a foot phobia)
*I know a woman who always tries to finish people’s sentences while they’re speaking (kind of like how a twin might, but she has no twin so does it with everyone). Usually she gets it right, but sometimes I mix up the ending and it throws her off and internally I cackle like a maniac 😀

So pray tell, what is YOUR useless talent? If you say you haven’t got any, you haven’t thought long enough! 😛

Rambling Goat

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4 Comments

I’m poor and full of useless talents

I’m always poor. Which is ironic because I’ve always wanted to be rich. I used to read investment books when I was a teenager and had a list of goals written on a sheet of paper stuck to my bedroom wall. Listed were all monetary goals like “buy an investment property by 25” and “buy my own car”. There was never any “get married by 25 and have kids by 27” like some of my friends.

When I turned 18 my parents gave me $500 worth of shares. Most other 18 year olds would want alcohol I’m sure, but my mum was already buying alcohol on my behalf at 15 (and I was vomiting said alcohol up on white carpet in front of my friends grandparents) so it wasn’t exactly worthy of a birthday present. Shares would last me longer than fun-in-a-bottle.

When I was 21 my brother and I bought an investment property in Sydney CBD. We still own it now and it’s almost doubled in value. The rent pays the mortgage and bills. We did our research, we had the motivation and we did darn tootin’ good. And Sydney is fucking expensive so its a miracle really. I’m not sure how we got approved for the loan because he was working as a casual and I was an apprentice but everything just went perfectly. He’s now gone on to buy more and earn god knows how much a week in a high paying job, while I somehow live off $50 a week. Yep, pretty sure homeless people earn more than me.

The reason for my lack of funds is that I’m renovating a house with my parents for investment. So while I may be poor now, I should be back to seeing a real life $100 note (or a few if I’m lucky 😛 ) when we sell the house. But who am I kidding, I’m very often poor and/or unemployed. I travel a lot. And have never asked what the pay is when I apply for jobs – I prefer to be happy in a workplace than earn x amount. If they treat me like rubbish (pretty normal for an outspoken woman in a male dominated field), I just leave.

I don’t put up with shit. One boss once called me a dumb blonde (I had brown hair? Does he not understand the premise?!). One once told me to work faster (I replied “do YOU want to do it then? I’m going as fast as I can, I’m not a robot. I’m happy to do something else if you want to do this instead.” He was speechless). That same one told me he pays me to work, not talk (he used to turn the radio up so no one could talk, and ‘caught’ me talking to a 60+ year old man while working. I quit that afternoon). Needless to say, there’s often time of unemployment between jobs.

The longest I was unemployed for was close to 18 months. Aaand I was living with my ex’s family. And getting money by selling plants on a little stall out on the side of the road and getting a bit of window cleaning work from my dad here and there.

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One day I was window cleaning this house and the woman who lived there came out and started talking to me – it was my old teacher. And this was about 7 years after I finished school. She asked if I was studying and I said no. She gave an awkward smile and walked off. I couldn’t be bothered explaining anything about my life to her (like that I *have* studied and have recently moved to a new area and not yet found a worthy job etc etc). I couldn’t be bothered mainly because she didn’t recognise my now seemingly surprising ‘gifts and talents’ and I was still a little perplexed by it.

In one of her classes (she taught religion), I wrote the whole lesson backwards. Boredom creates unusual skills it seems. She came over to me and got annoyed saying “how are you going to read that back later?!?!” I ripped the page out, turned it around and held it up to a window, “like that?”. She kicked me out of class.

To be fair I DID actually make it to the ‘gifted and talented’ class one year at school. But I only lasted one year. I guess they realised I didn’t want to do maths questions after school and was back to ungifted and untalented. Maths was my worst subject! I’m pretty sure you can be gifted and talented without the need of maths. Make that bunch of math-loving nerd write backwards, upside down, or BOTH (yeah I really have too much free time on my hands..) and we’ll see who comes out on top. If you’re confused how this even works, q is a good example:
qp (normal, backwards)
db (upside down, backwards and upside down).

For the record, I got in the class for being a reader/writer to disabled students for their English exams. English is my thing, not maths. I don’t give a fuck how many apples billy has, but I can write up a fanciful story about how he got that apple 😉

So the lesson here is you can be poor as shit, talk back, drink a lot, have a bunch of useless talents and still be awesome. Some things may be shit in life but I’ll tell you what’s shitter; having no stories to tell. It doesn’t matter if they’re good, bad or ridiculous. Stories make you interesting 😀

Rambling Goat