Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

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Hoecember sexcapades

Also could be called the one that was almost illegal but luckily wasn’t. Phew!

When we were 21 (or 22 I forget) RG and I embarked on a glorious adventure across the border for Hoecember. If you haven’t already gathered by the title,  the main goal of this trip was to have some fun and just see where each night took us, if you know what I mean… The room we were in even had a separate bedroom to be the shag pad hahaha!

So we sign up for one of those Pub Crawl group things where you pay $20 or some crap like that and they take a group of you around to the best pubs and you meet people and whatever.

One of the guys in the group was a super hot tanned English Boy with blonde speckled hair. Me being the awkward self conscious lamebo I am was super surprised that he bought me a drink and talked to me, when he clearly had his pick of anyone!

So I hook up with English Boy, and RG hooks up with the pub crawl team leader guy. From what I remember RG left before me back to the shag pad.

I think we went down to the beach and stuff and things ensued, but seriously, sex on the beach is not as glamorous as people make it out to be! The sand was annoying so we left.

English Boy and I go back to our hotel and go skinny dipping in the pool out front. Little did I know that RG had already done exactly the same thing not too long before we got there, so the owner lady came out and started yelling at us, laughing we grab our clothes and sprint naked and soaking wet down the street.

Still makes me lol that I’ve done that hahaha.

After some time we head back to the room and stuff and things ensue. From what I remember it was pretty alright! Surprising for the queen of awkward.

Blah blah on our last night we had a flight home at 6am, so instead of sleeping we decided to party and then go straight to the airport. English Boy and I meet up again, and RG meets a Russian dude.

All four of us end up back in the room, and somehow we all end up naked in bed eating ice blocks. Funniest memory ever.

Seediest plane ride ever and I’m pretty sure I vomited once we landed, but it was totally worth It.

Afterwards I add English Boy on Facebook only to discover he only just turned 18! What a liar he totally said he was 22…. At least he was hot and I can tick an Englishman off the list.
Conquest count: 8


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The Micro Sailor

I totally forgot about my conquest count! Not that it’s that riveting anyway, but here is a short tale about a short tail… Pun intended….

The Micro Sailor

I guess it’s cool that I can tick fucking a sailor off the Sucket list, but as usual it was a drunken awkward encounter.

Sailor boi was a friend of a friend, and one drunken evening with RG and others I somehow got pushed along to go back to his place. From what I remember he was pretty alright so I was all yeah why not. Fuck it.

So we go back to his place and starts doing stuff and things, and ermagherd his slug was… Well, the size of a slug.

Now let me say that I have never ever been the kind of girl to care about peen size because for one, guys can’t help what size they have, and I always assumed you can still have a good time so who cares right?!

But in this case, it was so awkward cos as he as flailing on top of me I seriously didn’t know if it was in yet, and I didn’t know if he thought it was in or not but I just kinda went with it…

It was really awkward…. On the plus side at least I could pretend to be good at deep throat cos he didn’t set off my gag reflex…

The next morning I walk of shamed to a taxi home that cost me $150 cos the ass took a long ass route home. It’s a bit sad that I remember that fact and not the sailors name, huh?

Conquest count: 7


I’m a Proud Slut

I guess people normally define slut as some girl who goes from dick to dick with no real self worth. Some might say she dresses provocatively, some might say she has issues at home.

Well I’m changing that. I’m using the word slut to mean someone who enjoys sex. Why? I’m sick of people using it as a negative way to describe women. And just like shit and fuck, if you say something enough times, it loses its power. So I’m putting slut on the list.

I’m a proud slut. I love sex. But I also have the ability to turn down sex, have abundant self worth and confidence, and smile. No, I don’t wear short dresses and sky high heels, a slut doesn’t need a uniform. I wear colourful jeans, sneakers, have a beer in my hand and laugh a lot.

I originally thought that the type of guys that went around calling girls ‘sluts’ in a derogatory way was ironically funny, because they’re the only kind of girls these idiots can get. But I’ve since learnt two things;

1. That a lot of nice men use this word also, just not to a girls face. They might say ‘she’s nice but she’s a bit slutty’ or ‘A cheated on B, what a slut’.
The hulk (an ex/friend of mine if you’re a new reader) described one of his ex’s to me along those lines saying ‘she cheated on me – what a slut’ and I had to correct him. “Just because she loves sex doesn’t mean you can blame that for the reason she cheated. I know plenty of women who love sex and don’t cheat. Blame her as a person if you must, but don’t blame her love of sex. There was obviously a lot of moral boundaries she had to cross first so that’s where you should be directing your attention.”

2. Women say it too! We should keep saying it but make sure we use it for the right meaning – its a positive not a negative in my eyes!


3. A lot of men not only lost their virginity to a slut, but often have sex with these so called sluts. So sluts are building people’s sexual confidence, only to have this be somehow used as a negative back at them.
If you don’t like to have sex with a sex-loving girl, then go have sex with a virgin. And enjoy that bleeding starfish. Or find a girl used to pleasing men and not have it reciprocated (don’t worry, there’s PLENTY of women who can identify with this. Whether or not they want to keep doing it is another story..).
If you do love sluts, then enjoy it, but don’t complain after the fact. It takes 2 to tango and you chose to be involved.

If you think she’s ‘loose’ and its affecting your ability to cum, guess what buddy, its not all about you. Us women are unsatisfied a LOT of the time and don’t complain, so shut up and take one for the team. Or maybe she’s not loose and you actually have a small dick. Just saying..
If you’re disappointed because you ‘thought she’d be good and she wasn’t’, again, it takes 2 to tango so you can half blame yourself for that snorefest. Tie her up, take her out in the yard, try different positions, but don’t just poke-poke-spooge then blame her. Also realise that we can go from drunk and horny to drunk passed out starfish in the blink of an eye, so if you’re giving her tequila shots to get in her pants, calm the fuck down or deal with the consequences.

I guess one problem being a slut is that the orgasm ratio is swayed in men’s favour. Girls are good to other girls, most men are not. There’s a few of you lovely gems out there that love and worship the female form and are generous in your orgasm giving, and for that we thank you. We’re happy to be your partner, fwb (friend with benefits), or random booty call recipient.

For the rest of you, consider this. Men get an orgasm let’s say 95% of the time. I’ll give you a 5% ‘too drunk to cum’ leeway. Now some women are luckier than others in their averages and I guess the older (more numbers to sway your average) and more confident you get in speaking up, this may all change. But I’m going to go ahead and estimate that 50% of my sexual interactions, I did not orgasm. Yeah, I can’t entirely blame men, and I should and do sort myself out if he hasn’t already (thank you cunnilingus fans!), but sometimes I’m just about to cum and the guy does first. Then pulls out and rolls over. What. The. Shit. Or sometimes its a position where I can’t actually play with myself mid-sex.

Yeah, there was that one time an ex thought it’d be funny to see how many times he could make me cum in a row and 22 orgasms later I couldn’t move my legs, but I refuse to include that to sway my percentage. One awesome night of sex shouldn’t discount the vast array of terrible and very quick poke poke spooge sex I’ve had. I’m not a walking fleshlight dammit!

Now think about this. How often does a man give oral to a woman without expecting oral in return or penetrable sex to follow? Never? Its laughable to even consider. Yet we do it all the time. Fortunately through blogging I’ve discovered some lovely male cucks and subs who do this all the time. I bow down with respect to you boys.

I thought I’d bring the question up with a couple of fwbs. “Have you given oral to a girl and not only *not* received any oral back but also not followed up with sex? Just given a girl oral and left it at that?” Both said “probably”. I’m pretty sure you would remember something like that. One of them I was meant to see that week, so I told him “Friday night is vagina night, where I get attention and you get nothing.” He was a good sport, but I’m sad to say this isn’t common. And further probing resulting in him admitting to never doing that before. I doubt the other one could have handled it to be honest.

So yes, I’m calling myself a slut because I love sex but no, it hasn’t always been great or fair. So today, this slut is stopping that. I’m not getting all feminist on you, but I do believe in equality and I also believe that life is what you make it.

I will be orgasming 95% of the time from now on. Greedy? Nope, I’m just getting things back to equal. And if you don’t sort it out for me, then I will. Or my vibrator will. While you watch. Because watching a girl orgasm is awesome. And you obviously need a reminder because you seem to have forgotten.

Girls, love sex! Enjoy yourself and if it gets boring, make it fun. I got bored during one night with a fwb (to be fair he was breaking my record of number of roots in 24 hrs – we got to 10), and ended up introducing a lollipop to my giney while ‘sex and candy’ was playing. It turned him on AND I got a lollipop out of it, score! Hahaha.

If you’re stuck in a monotony rut, or are single and hearing your friends hilarious stories but feeling boring in comparison, have a look at the sucket list we made, it might spur the inner deviant on.

If you’re single with no fwbs and/or have a while between roots, wank! Seriously I know guys already do it everyday but girls, if you don’t use it you lose it. It keeps the libido alive. Make friends with your vibrator. Sometimes I do it because I haven’t in a few days. And if I didn’t I know I’d end up not being all that interested in sex convos, taking cheeky pics, dirty text msgs or even sex at all to an extent. This is going to sound awful but I’ve even done it next to a sleeping partner before. A few times. Because I’m tired and CBF going through with the whole time-consuming act in the middle of the night.

So I challenge you to make it one of the chores you do every week if you haven’t already and haven’t had sex. Excuse yourself for some ‘me’ time and read some erotic stories or watch porn. Or send a cheeky text, more often than not you’ll get a cheeky one back. If nothing else, it’s exercise where you get a niiiice reward. And at best, you ooze (sorry!) sexual confidence and walk around with a grin and a twinkle in your eye..

Next time you hear someone use slut as a negative term, argue the point. How is loving sex a bad thing? And if she’s getting a lot of sex then power to her! Go girl! I personally don’t see the difference between a girl in a relationship having sex once a week and a single girl getting sex once a week. Even if its with different people, it’s the same amount of vagina use. Yeah there’s the std risk, but guys refusing to wear condoms is a whole different avenue and is a story for another day. I’ll sum it up to: wear one and you’ll be fine.

So girls, embrace your inner slut, she’ll thank you for it 😀 Guys, love and appreciate sluts, without us you’d be dating your hand 😉 and if you feel like you’ve been orgasm greedy in the past, give us a pure and simple vagina night every once in a while. We’ll be shocked but you’ll get lottttsss of brownie points!

Rambling Goat