Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Is going to an Abortion Clinic a ‘date’?

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I just read Tempest’s post on abortion (a really good read!) and it reminded me about my abortion. Oh yeah, totes got a foetus sucked out of me. Am I scarred from it? No. But my date might have been..

Background info:
*I was depressed
*A cutter
*Taking drugs occasionally (far less than what I used to take though)
*Wrote my car off drink driving
*Was living with a drug dealer

You know, the usual for a 19 year old 😛

I’d slept with the druggy flatmate and after his condom came off (I still think wtf at that, what was he wearing – a super jumbo sized one?!) and saying “just keep going” to him, bingo. Pregnant.
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So obviously I didn’t know this at the time, but took the morning after pill anyway (even though it was like 3 mornings after) and figured that was over with.

Meanwhile, around that exact time, a friend of a friend came over and hung out and admitted he wanted to start dating me. I didn’t exactly feel comfortable about telling him but after taking a preggo test, seeing a doc, booking in at a clinic, crunch time came..

I didn’t have a car anymore (plus you shouldn’t drive after the op), the flatmate was working and as far as I can remember had lost his licence or couldn’t get off work or something and guess who wanted to hang out? Oh yeah, this new guy.

I’m truly fucked. I asked if he could take me to get an abortion. Hahahahaha. And he said yes. What a legend.

Not liking babies or the idea of being a mum at this point in time was a bonus because in the waiting room we had a ball. We were laughing and carrying on like two people on a great date. There were death stares and someone may have been sobbing but I couldn’t give two shits. I had zero attachment to my parasite, and this guy was hilarious.

For those thinking I’m a heartless bitch (if you don’t by now, you probably will further into the story..), I’ll say this:

It was absolutely not the right time in my life, atmosphere to raise a baby in and potential co-parent to do this with. I have the choice and I chose what I felt was right, there was no question in my mind. Also it’s legal in Australia so I can have abortion parties with hookers everywhere if I want – the government says its cool.

So a week or so after all this, I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a guitar. WTF. I went out in my living room in my PJs and there was a badass tattooed sexy mofo sitting on my couch playing guitar to my flatmate and friends. Apparently my flatmate found him at a club up the road and he came back to hang out. We got chatting, he was awesome. And he was interested in me!

But uhhh, that first guy..

Heartless bitch move #2: I dumped abortion guy. We hadn’t even had sex. I think we might have kissed but certainly nothing else. Ok yeah, he was a great guy but he wasn’t standout and to put it frankly, I was young. I was chasing whatever caught my interest.

Bad boy just happened to be ‘Ronald’ in this post if you want to know how that budding romance turned out.. Ha! Needless to say, I got more than enough karma.

To this day I still feel the pull to bad boys (and junkies) over good guys. And you’re welcome because it makes for good blogging ammo haha!
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But in an attempt to win you back, I’ll tell you the lessons I’ve learnt:
1. The morning after pill should be taken the morning after.

2. I’m going to adopt kids. Well at least try my hardest to. I guess those who can’t naturally conceive get higher up the list and I get the ‘piss off and do it the natural way’ judgement and get thrown to the bottom of the list.

It took me quite a few years to come to the decision to try and adopt kids though. I can appreciate how hard it would be actually giving birth and handing over your baby straight away in the hopes they’ll have a better life. So I want to give them that good life, the positive upbringing and a loving family.

In my mind it seems more logical to give kids with no family a home rather than ignore them and start my own. I’m just more drawn to kids that already exist than creating my own. Although in saying that, bf said if I have kids with him that he wants a a child that carries his genes on. So that’s all he’s getting from me – one. The rest – adopted 🙂

3. I will most definitely talk to my kids about birth control and get my future daughters on something substantial. My parents never gave me the contraceptive talk and discussed options. I just relied on condoms (provided the guys had them). So I went from losing my virginity at 18 to getting pregnant at 19. I guess my folks figured I learnt at school but I went to a catholic school, enough said!
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4. 19 year olds are fucked. Give them 1-2 years of being self centred, ignorant, drug riddled little shits and they’ll come back to you sweet as pie when it all passes.

No shame, no regrets folks. Just a pocket full of stories 😉

Rambling Goat

Ps. So according to Wikipedia this is what my little critter would have looked like…
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Except for the small fact that the doctor looked at my charts, said “ok so this is the strange one” to his nurse, then the anaesthetist put the thing over my face and that was the last I heard/remembered. WTF.

Someone earlier had mentioned the possibility of twins (then changed the topic before I could ask more!) but I wouldn’t exactly classify twins as “strange”?

So I’ll never know! Knowing my luck (and the quality of sperm that I was working with), I’m going to go right ahead and assume it had two heads.. Or a backwards head! OR THREE ARMS! :O

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Useless Talents

I was listening to the radio with ‘the hulk’ a couple of weeks ago. We got talking about singing. I said “well I can’t sing but it’s kind of a useless talent anyway in the scheme of things..” He replies with “its pretty useful if you’re making money off it”.

So I got thinking about useless talents and decided I’ve got plenty of legitimately useless talents. I tried to impress him with my list;
*I can touch my foot to my head
*I can write backwards
*I have 2 double jointed fingers
*I can raise each eyebrow independently
*I can flare my nostrils
*I can burp and hiccup at the same time! Totally not on purpose though. My mum also does it..
*I can tell if lines are perfectly parallel or perpendicular, and if they’re not, about how many cm they are out. Seriously.. It’s a ridiculous talent. My dad says I’d be good at hanging picture frames. Thanks life!

We decided that there are some useless talents that *most* people can do and therefore can’t be included;
*Sensing when someone is looking at you
*Men doing a ‘mangina’

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That's the trusty mangina in action. Why is this in a proper photoshoot?! LOL

Just when I was feeling really awesome about my number of useless talents, he stumped me with his list;
*He can raise his eyebrows independently
*Flare his nostrils
*Write left-handed
*Touch his tongue to his nose
*Crack his knuckles one handed
*Copy drawings exactly (like a human photocopier haha!)
*Squash a bottle cap one handed
*Tie a noose (but isn’t suicidal and doesn’t think he’ll ever be)
*Double jointed (I can’t remember where, finger/wrist maybe?)
*Flip a coaster up from the edge of a table and catch it (he said he could do it with his eyes closed too, but I’ve seen him do this while drunk and I’m not convinced..)
*Dislocate his shoulder on purpose – he said he dislocated it during birth and now he can keep doing it. I said “haha wow, what a way to enter the harsh reality of life!” He responded “yeah my parents said ‘welcome to the game, boy.'”

So anyway, basically he won. I was sad until I realised it meant he was more useless than me. Haha!! 😉

Out of interest, here’s some other useless talents of my friends/acquaintances:
*I have a friend who can lick her elbow
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*My mum can cramp her toe on purpose
*My mum can also pick up things with her feet (another possible reason why I have a foot phobia)
*I know a woman who always tries to finish people’s sentences while they’re speaking (kind of like how a twin might, but she has no twin so does it with everyone). Usually she gets it right, but sometimes I mix up the ending and it throws her off and internally I cackle like a maniac 😀

So pray tell, what is YOUR useless talent? If you say you haven’t got any, you haven’t thought long enough! 😛

Rambling Goat


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Hey Kids, WTF?

Well I just got back from a holiday and among all the craziness that’s just happened (posts coming on them, I promise), there’s one I need to get this off my chest right away.

I literally watched a kid shit on the ground in front of me today. Yep, just a casual shit on some concrete.

I had a straight face on the outside but on the inside, this was me:

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I asked him if he needed to go to the toilet and fix himself up. “Nope! I’m done”.

Cue the hunt for the grandparent (who used a shovel to fling it into a garden) and mother (who after taking him inside to wipe his bum had to clean up another nugget that dropped out of his pant leg) while I stood there speechless and completely out of my depth.

By now you guys should know that I’m definitely not ready to be a mum yet. Well this disturbing display just added on a few years to when I assume I’ll be ready (it was already going to be 10 years).

Like, let’s get back to basics here. Don’t kids learn how to use a potty?! I already admit to knowing nothing about being a mum but for some reason I still seem to casually babysit kids occasionally (thanks family!) and am shocked at something new every time.

Kids; strangest creatures.

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Rambling Goat


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The Fetish Hunt

Ok gang, i’m on the hunt for a fetish. Or as some people would say, a ‘preference’. 😀

It seems everyone has one and although I have a few kinks, I’m not entirely convinced they are a full blown ‘fetish’. So I’ve made a list of various fetishes to road test to see if I like, and either ticking or crossing them off (in my mind – I don’t need to get that personal on here do I?!).

At the bottom is some links to websites containing more fetish options if you’re keen to make your own list (c’mon, have some fun!).

Oh and my rule is that I won’t try any of these on my own (eg. watching fetish porn), someone must be with me when I trial it for it to count as a proper ‘road test’.

So without further ado, here’s the list of fetishes I’m happy to try out (in alphabetical order, directly copied from said websites):

*Abasiophilia – People with impaired mobility.
*Acrotomophilia – The person is sexually aroused by the sight of an amputation usually of a whole arm or leg.
*Actirasty – Arousal to the sun’s rays.
*Asphyxiophilia – This is sexual arousal caused by loss of control over your ability to breathe. Self strangulation or allowing another person to asphyxiate you.
*Autagonistophilia – Unlike exhibitionism where the person intentionally exposes their genitals to an unsuspecting stranger, in this paraphilia the person creates situations in which other people could see them in the nude if the person wanted to. For example, it would be like leaving your curtains open and walking around the house naked in hopes that someone would peep in the windows. It is the thought that someone may be watching that is sexually arousing.
*Autoplushophilia – The image of one’s self in the form of a plush or anthropomorphized animal.
*BDSM – A variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics. Stands for Bondage/Discipline/Dominant/Submissive/Sadism/Masochism.
*Dendrophilia (or less often arborphilia or dendrophily) – literally means “love of trees”. The term may sometimes refer to a paraphilia in which people are sexually attracted to or sexually aroused by trees. This may involve sexual contact or veneration as phallic symbols or both.

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Well i wont be mounting a stump but I'm prepared to hug a tree and see if I get horny..


*Forniphilia – Turning a human being into a piece of furniture.
*Gerontophilia – The person is only sexually aroused by a significantly older person. There has to be at least a 15 year difference between their ages.
*Heterophilia – Attraction to, fetishization, or sexualized idealization of heterosexuality and/or people who are “straight-acting,” especially by non-heterosexual people.
*Homeovestism – Wearing clothing emblematic of one’s own sex.
*Liquidophilia – Immersing genitals in liquids.
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Sooo... Im basically dunking my giney into a cup. While someone watches.


*Mixophilia – The person likes to watch their partner or themselves engage in sexual activity. Usually this means watching themselves in a mirror.
*Mysophilia – The person is sexually aroused by dirt, mud, or filth.
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Good excuse to mud wrestle a hot girl mmmmm yep!


*Narratophilia – Telling dirty stories is sexually arousing.
*Nasolingus – Arousal to sucking on a person’s nose.
*Navel fetishism – Sexual attraction to navels – either their own or someone else’s.
*Oculophilia – A fetish of being aroused by eyes and activities directly relating to and/or involving the eyes. Seeing _______(any item) and then being aroused sexually would not meet classification for this term.
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*Olfactophilia – The person is sexually aroused by body smells. Usually inserting finger anus, vagina, etc. and smelling it during sex.
*Pictohilia – Watching X-rated films is sexually arousing.
*Plushophilia – Sexual attraction to stuffed toy animals (Plushies).
*Pteronphilia – Arousal to being tickled by feathers.
*Pygophilia – Arousal to buttocks.
*Sexual fetishism – Nonliving objects.
*Somnophilia – The person can only maintain sexual arousal while having sex with someone who is sleeping. If the person wakes up they lose interest.
*Sophophilia – Sexual arousal from learning.
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Ummm just need to find someone to teach me 😀


*Sploshing and Sitophilia – Sitophiles are turned on by food, but this can be through consumption, direct sexual contact with the food or simply by rolling around in it. Sploshers love being wet and messy and while the most common substances involved in the fetish tend to be edible, some sploshers like mud, oil and paint in place of pies, pudding and syrup.
*Sthenolagnia – Muscles and displays of strength.
*Stigmatophilia -Body piercings and tattoos.
*Telephonicophilia – Talking dirty on the phone or being talked to lewdly.
*Toucherism – Touching an unsuspecting, non-consenting person with the hand.
*Toxophilia – Arousal from archery.
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Hey, down in front! Jeeeez.


*Transvestic fetishism – Wearing clothes associated with the opposite sex; also known as transvestism.
*Trichophilia – Hair.
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Well considering I need to vomit, this isn't looking good. I'm just going to use this as an excuse to smell a girl's HEAD hair (mmmm rasberries!) and play with a mans chest hair.


*Troilism/Cuckoldism – watching one’s partner have sex with someone else, possibly without the third party’s knowledge.
*Voyeurism – Watching others while naked or having sex, generally without their knowledge; also known as scopophilia or scoptophilia.

Obviously there’s many more (I once found a list of 450!) but this is a good start. Hopefully it’ll push you to try out more things and find your fetish too!

http://www.oddee.com/item_97268.ashtm
http://www.thefetishlist.com/definitions.htm
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_paraphilias
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/23/sexual-fetish_n_4144418.html
http://www.oddee.com/item_96718.aspx

Rambling Goat


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So Fugly they’re Cute

I’ve been watching some animal doco’s lately and thought I’d share some so-fugly-they’re-cute animals I’ve seen 😀

Coati

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Bear meets lemur meets pig.

Kangaroo Rat

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Its tiny and jumps like a kangaroo awww!

Elephant Shrew

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It has a freakin trunk!

Bumblebee Bat

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Its soooo tiny!

If you want to see some even weirder motherfucking shit (sorry but when you see the photos you’ll understand why I need to use that language) go here. Its probably safe to look at before bed but I’ve just been looking at before and after methhead mugshots and can’t sleep, so maybe my freak-out radar is a bit distracted. And now Embarrassing Bodies is on TV and they just said “painful pustules” and “teeth abscesses”. Fuuuuuuuck I’m screwed.

Rambling Goat


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Dick Photos

Ok folks, the inevitable has happened. I’ve had dick photos sent to me. Yeah, more than one, like it was a modeling photoshoot or something. Guys get squirmish if we mention tampons or pap smears, yet we have to deal with far more from them.

The cocky (haha) ones are sending photos or flopping them out at parties while drunk, the self conscious ones right before sex mention that ‘its not big but it does the job’ (this has happened to me several times!! I don’t care, just hurry up and make it do its job or get out!) and the immature ones doodle (haha) pics of dicks everywhere like they have some sort of dick obsession. Shouldn’t they be doodling boobs? Or vaginas? You’re focusing on the wrong bit! 

I think honestly the worst thing to say is ‘just touch him’ because I, like many women, already consider dicks some sort of alien creature with its own brain. I’m not dickphobic, but personifying it to be like some sort of second person is strange. However, I’m totally hypocritical on this one. 

I’m not interested in dating, so this guy I sometimes see doesn’t interest me in the dating sense, but I do travel god knows how far and take photos even while muddy and injured (see my valentines day post if you don’t know what I’m talking about) for him. And that’s totally not me. I’m no weakling who fawns over men, and I certainly don’t *normally* flit around like some magical sex fairy. So all I can put it down to is that my vagina is obsessed with him, and I’m just along for the ride. So yeah its strange and hypocritical but I can safely say that any guy that has personified their dick to me, hasn’t been interested in me OR had their dick obsessed with me. 

Point of the story is, guys, when you’re reeling back in horror about our tampon convo, we’re reeling back, laughing and then sending those glorious dick photos to our bestie. Some girls might love a good dick photo sent to them, but I find it extremely awkward. What do you respond to that?! ‘Uhh thanksss that was greeeat!’ I never asked for it, I kinda wasn’t attracted to you in the first place, and now I’ve seen your junk I really don’t want to sleep with you at all. Send me a photo of you vacuuming or doing the washing up (we all know thats the holy grail!) or maybe even just a happy smiling shot and I might change my tune. Well he didn’t, he sent a photo of his teddy. Held up next to his face. And told me it slept in his bed. Not kidding in the slightest.

Fml.

Rambling Goat