Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Stink Dick

It was the season of 21sts and the single period after Cherry and I broke up. I was at that stage of being over the heartache and not really giving a crap about guys, just getting drunk and having a good time.

I’m at a friends costume party dressed as a dog, and something something who knows how it happened but I end up sleeping with this guy. Let’s call him SD.

Side note: wtf is with picking up guys when dressed up? And I’m not talking about the slut version of costumes, I had freakin black spots painted on my face. Perhaps a closet furry?

Anyway, so it kind of turned in to a one night stand that wouldn’t go away and somehow turned into a relationship. A quite mundane and boring relationship. I think it was the epitome of a rebound, no feeling but it fills the time kind of thing.

We would do relatively boring things – eat dinner and then fuck in my car. He never focused on making me cum (don’t think I ever did? Not worth remembering).

And OMG he had stink dick. Like, how can you be 21 with stink dick? Do you even shower? And I actually put that thing inside me. Gross. But at the time I was young and thought perhaps it was normal or something .


6 months down the track I was somewhat looking for an excuse to break up with him (the dude wore skinny jeans for jeebus sakes!) Luckily, he went away for a weekend  with friends and one of my bfs was part of the crowd. She caught him fucking this known slag and let me know.

Who would have thought that cheating could bring so much elation, but there we were. So I was at work and couldn’t wait until I finished. I texted him to come meet me and dumped him there. Dumb ass denied it the whole time which made it so much easier, because dude you were caught red handed.

He lost a unicorn for one night with a hippo. 

Conquest count: 12

Nonsense unicorn


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Loves of my Life

I reckon we experience a lot of different loves in our lifetimes, as we fumble through on the eternal search for that one sparkly human that lights up your world.

I thought I would share a couple of the stories of the loves I have experienced in my 29 years of being.

The Star Crossed Love

I was 16 years old (cue Benny Mardones here) and on a family holiday overseas to the mother land to meet family. Days spent hanging out on a farm, one of my cousins mates was interested in me and a love bloomed.


It was kinda disgusting how text book it was – it first started when he asked me to go to a town dance where we waltzed together and later kissed under the moonlight.

Followed by 6 weeks of moonlight picnics and day trips to town eating 6 ice creams just to prolong the time we were spending together.

He spoke broken English and my understanding of the language was crappy, but somehow we connected and made it work.

Unfortunately due to the problem of me living a million miles away, we were torn apart at the end of the holiday, looking out the back window in tears as I saw the love of my life slowly fade in to the distance. We wrote love letters for a while but that slowly faded away.

My parents went over there not long ago. He is married with a kid now, but apparently when he gets drunk he still talks about me. 

The First Real Boyfriend

The cherry was my first real relationship. You know, proper dating and waiting a month to screw.

It lasted about 2.5 years but probably 1.5 years too long. I was in love, but I guess it was one of those things where you are more in love with being in a relationship than actually having a real deep connection.

I was hurt when it ended, but in retrospect it was more of an ego bruising than heartbreak.

The One that got away


I was so in love with the Watermelon for a very long time. Read the hyperlink for the whole story, but he was always that guy that (maybe I totally imagined it) like there was some kind of magnet there, but for some reason just never went anywhere. It was never meant to be, but I pined for so long.

We hooked up twice (no sex) which still stand as some of the sexiest moments I’ve had, as well as some of the most romantic (Nights in White Satin will always remind me of him).

I stepped away from our friendship to distance myself, and now he’s on his way to becoming a priest, so that probably says a lot about the situation.

Although I’ve been over it for a very long time, I still can’t help but wonder if there was anything there for him too. I guess I will never know.

The Lie


I spent a good three years of my life begging a fool to love me. It was through this experience that I actually learnt what real love is and that the right person will go the hard yards with you and that you are worth it.

Dumb mother fucker professed his love for me when I stopped seeing him when I met the Boy. Too little too late doy.

The Real Deal


And that brings me to The Boy today. Almost five years of up and down, and heck who knows if this is a forever deal, but at least I know that we have gone through a lot of waves and still something keeps us connected.

We have respect for each other, we get each other, we fight for each other. That’s pretty sweet for now.
And there’s the loves of my life. What’s yours?

Nonsense unicorn 


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Facebook Politics

I have a strange relationship with Facebook. On one hand I hate it and the stupid shit people say and do on there as keyboard warriors- but on the other hand it is just so entertaining when I don’t want to think about stuff and things.

So yes I am on there, but I’m also trying to get my friend list down to under a hundred (up to 160 at the moment). Because I don’t want acquaintances and people that I don’t like or who don’t actually see me or like me being on there.

I also have bouts of impulse when I get pissed off I just delete people off my Facebook. Like the boys family for example. I’m not the biggest fan of his siblings – they’re generally the kind to have their noses in the air looking down on people beneath them which isn’t my cup of tea.

So the boy pissed me off the other night and in a drunken stupor I deleted all of his family off my Facebook. Because alcohol makes everything more dramatic, right? His sister noticed I deleted her and commented about my impulsiveness to the boy who is now upset that I have done so.

Yeah okay so I kinda sorta see how it could be seen as making a comment about my feelings on them and “causing drama” and whatever. But seriously, it’s Facebook. Get over it. They don’t talk to me other than at family gatherings, so why should they even care? What, the superficial friend tag on a website is more important than real human interaction? 

If they actually cared about being “connected” to me, then send me a fucking text or phone call or give any sign that you give a shit other than the forced niceties due to our mutual interest in the boy.

No? Don’t want to do that? Well I don’t want to either, so what’s the Big deal about the Facebook thing?

Boy sees it as me continually making a definitive line between me vs his family, which I can’t help but do. They are not my family, I have my family. They are his family and I’m glad to have it that way. Which is hypocritical, as my family treats him as one of their own…. But that’s because we are way cooler! Lol…. But it’s also because my family actually make an effort to welcome him, where as his family looks down on me as a pleb which he denies but is so the truth.

Anyway.

Seriously, Facebook politics.


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A Unicorn’s Guide to Dating

For some reason my reader on WordPress is full of hapless tales of dating by men and women.  Totally not a problem, although there seems to be quite a pattern of “rules and regulations” you are apparently meant to follow in the dating world which I think is quite ridiculous (and obviously not working for a lot of people).

So, as someone who has been in many a relationship (current one 4.5 years) and never actually been on a date myself – I think I’m totes the right authority here to give you all some advice on how to go about this dating bizzo!

So throw out all your The Game and He’s Just Not That Into You bibles and guides and check out my Unicorn Guide to Dating.

What to Wear

Spending hours standing outside your wardrobe trying to concieve the right outfit to wear on your date?  Do they like heels, is my skirt too short?  Should I wear a tshirt?  Well, here is a well hidden secret that fashion designers will hate you for…..wear whatever the damn hell YOU want.  That is all.  Wear a dang potato sack or onesie if that makes you comfortable.

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But NU, what if they judge me for my potato sack?

Tell them to swallow a rusty whisk and GTFO.  Do you want to be with someone who is going to fob you off for what you wear?  Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, be you!  This coming from someone who has picked people up when dressed as a dog, transvestite and a onesie.

When you should call/ text/ email

There seems to be a strict formula out there, where you should divide the time you spent together on the date and multiply that by 543 then square root to the power of 4 to get the exact time and date of when you should contact them again.  Wrong by 4.34 of a decimal? BOOM they’re gonna hate you forever!

My homies, just message when you want to talk to them.  Next day, next week, whatever.  If someone is gonna be all “ermagherd he texted me like 32 hours after our date, what a needy beedy” then stuff them!

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Disclaimer:  just don’t be a total stalker messaging fifty billion times every second before they respond to you, that is a little much…

When should the P go into the V (or P into A, or V into V… whatevs)

My current boy pretty much is a one night stand that wouldn’t go away, and now we’re totally happy and crazy living together with fur babies and shenanigans.  Actually, pretty much all my relationships (bar one as a youngun 18 year old, we waited like 3 weeks…) have been clingy one night standers. Sooooo I reckon when your pringle gets the tingle then your privates gotta mingle!

 

If they think you’re a hoe or man-whore after that, then they’re not worth your time.  The right person will know you’re worth sticking around for!

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And I think that’s enough advice for now, or you all are gonna be getting married and loved up left right and centre!  Maybe more to come when I could be bothered – I am a unicorn after all and have pretty important sparkle parties to attend to.

 

Nonsense Unicorn


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Revenge Scenarios

People like to talk about the assholes in their life and how they have hurt them so bad. Heck, I’m sure everyone has done it – you know, turn yourself into a martyr because someone hurt you.

Resentment: it burns in the depths of your soul and fuels sweet sweet fantasies of exacting perfect revenge on those who crossed you.

  
It turns you into a spiritual guru knowing that karma baby, karma will get them.

You even become totes great mates with the horsemen of the apocalypse knowing that they’ll get what’s coming to them.

You viscerally thrive on their misfortunes because damn they deserve it for ever crossing you.

It just makes me wonder…. What about all the times you were the asshole? Because let’s face it, it’s human nature to hurt and be hurt.

How would you feel knowing that someone you hurt – it could have been unintentional in your eyes, but caused a world of devastation for someone else – knowing, that they were funnelling all their anger and resentment into you?

What if all your bad luck and shortcoming was because of someone opening the karma gates on your ass?

People are always quick to martyr themselves and so very differently ever accept their own douchebaghery.

So, I’m gonna admit to some of the times where I was indeed the asshole – and yeah sorry about that aye?!

  • The friend who I would joke about sexually innuendo-like for ages, we slept together to kinda break the tension, even went onValentines dates and concerts. And then I just ran off with another boy – in retrospect I now realise he liked me for real real and I just thought we were mucking around.  Sorry for being a heartless jerk bro.
  • That time I was meant to meet a friend who came to my suburb but I was in a depressed stupor and stood her up. Depression isn’t an excuse to be an asshole, I’m sorry.
  • That other time I went interstate with some friends and had an anxiety attack so ditched them for the weekend and went to stay with a boy (who stopped me from getting on a plane home by myself). I should have communicated my feelings but I was a dick.
  • This story is very multi layered, but I was a jerk for getting  so drunk that I let a friend who had a girlfriend have a shower with me and then he touched me and told his girlfriend. Being drunk ain’t no excuse, I should have told him to back off. Sorry girlfriend for letting that happen.
  • That guy on New Years who thought I was beautiful and face raped me – instead of being honest and telling him I’m not interested I just ran away and hid. That was a dick move.
  • That other guy who stalked me at work and gave me his business card – instead of being honest I threw his card away. Sorry for all the effort you went to.
  • The other friend I was close to and slept with and then instead of being cool I got all awkward and avoided him like the plague. That was very immature and I’m really sorry for being lame like that.

And there’s heaps more I can dig up, but I’ll stop there.

I guess the moral of the story is sometimes you gotta back away from the revenge train and take a good hard look at yourself and stop being the asshole you don’t think you are.

Nonsense unicorn


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It’s illegal to argue

Apparently having an argument with your partner equates to domestic violence these days.

Long story short, the boy and I were having a heated discussion/ argument about something that went down on Sunday night (I cracked the shits because he was smoking, not listening to me blah blah so I was a moody bitch and left to go home by myself and told him to sleep at his mates place because nobody puts baby in the corner and all that).

You know how it goes when you try to break down an argument – both parties get emotional trying to work things out and be heard. We were both hurt, crying, talking loudly at each other.

No violence, no malice, no swearing even – just two people pleading from their hearts to be heard.

Now, the door was open and sound travels like a mofo in our place (last Saturday it sounded like our neighbours were having a karaoke competition right in our living room it was so loud). 

Police knock on the door. Great. A neighbour had called them.

One takes me outside to ask what was happening and the other talked to boy. He sounded like he already had made up his mind that violence was totes Happening here, asking if there were firearms (wtf? Isn’t that illegal?) and if I fear for my life. UH NO we just had an argument. I cracked the shits last night and we were trying to work out what happened. Seriously. Am I not allowed to cry? Is boy not allowed to be hurt by my depressed numb responses?

I assured him that it was just a normal relationship argument – cos that’s all that happened.

Now, I get that they are cracking down because the sad truth is that domestic violence is a problem. But what pisses me off is that they still don’t believe you when you tell them the truth.

Like what the fuck, no one even said fuck! I’m a loud cryer and boy has a loud projecting voice (doesn’t need a microphone at karaoke).

What annoys me the most is that they make out that boy is some culprit and I am some victim. Like, men get abused too! Would they be so pedantic if a man called up and complained? 

Even after I told them there’s no violence here, I get a call from some women’s violence advocacy group today! Fuck off!

No one is a victim here. We are just two passionate individuals working shit out.

So there you have it folks – you are never allowed to argue with someone ever again because it’s illegal.

Ps: screw you nosy old bat who made the call. Hope that gives you enough gossip.

Nonsense unicorn


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Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen!

Whoever made this up is a dickhead. Treat us mean and we’ll want to move on because douchebaggery is lame.
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I guess the real quote should be:

Be slightly mysterious and aloof and we’ll want to jump your bones.

But take note – I said SLIGHTLY. Too much in the aloof department and it’ll be a turn off. Who said women were hard to understand? 😛

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Let me give you some examples of hot vs not mystery/aloof attitude from my own life:

1. I started dating this friend of a friend. He was in his early 20’s, had an American accent (I’m Australian, foreign accents are hot), owned a house and had 2 cars. He never spoke about his homeland. HOT. I’ll find out more about him as time goes on.

2. One day like 2 months later, he had an Australian accent. Turns out he put it on to pick me up. Also, his parents bought his house and he was paying them back. He worked for his dad so one of his cars was a work vehicle paid for by the company. Not as hot, I would have preferred honesty but I’ll continue to date you anyway.

3. A guy I started seeing told me he couldn’t holiday in Mexico and didn’t want to talk about why. I said he should actually tell me if it had anything to do with rape, murder or animal cruelty. He said it wasn’t anything like that. Bad boy hey? HOT.

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4. The same guy told me he “invested” money into a friend’s business. Thats literally all the details he gave and didn’t care to talk about it again. He ‘invested’ regularly. He would leave sometimes at 9pm (wearing a hat even though it was dark) to drop off money. Take into consideration the mexico thing and all signs point to drug dealing. NOT HOT.

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5. He later told me he had nothing to do with drugs. His friend bought luxury cars that were a bit run down and did them up and he helped finance it. I never met the friend, saw any cars, saw any photos of the cars or even heard them talk on the phone. NOT HOT. Too mysterious. Please don’t murder me in my sleep.

Yes, people have their own lives and don’t want to give over every detail right at first meeting, this is totally fine.

In fact, having your own life is sexy. Someone who is overly keen and seems to have no real life is [in the beginning anyway] not that sexy.

So to “keep em keen”:
*Don’t be mean – Use nice things about yourself to attract a mate.
*Keep some things to yourself – keep a bit of mystery going. You also don’t want to run out of stories within a month and find you have nothing left to talk about.

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*Don’t answer within .1 of a second of a text coming in – keep a little bit aloof. You have a life remember.
*If your potential partner wants to know more details about something, tell them – if you don’t want to talk about it then you look suss as fuck.

By now you’re probably thinking ‘yeah but RG, the whole ‘keeping them keen’ mentality is in respect to long term relationships, not new ones!’ Well let me put this bluntly – if your long term partner is suddenly mysterious or aloof, they’re either not in love with you anymore or are cheating on you. Or both. Or maybe hes doing some sneaky drug dealing on the side to get some money because hes dying of cancer (Breaking Bad fans are totes feelin’ me here). If your long term partner is legitimately treating you mean, you don’t like it and they continue to do so after talking about it, then that is abuse.

Yes, the other underlying point of mention is in relation to being younger. This quote totally applies to school kids where for example, a boy will pick on a girl if he has a crush on her. But how often does the girl go for the bully? We grow up into adults and learn to turn this into fun banter, none of which I would describe as ‘mean’.

So let’s all give scathing glares to whatever dickhead made this quote up on behalf of all the girls who were treated mean and all the guys who tried it out and we’re hastily knocked back. It’s a load of crap.

Rambling Goat