Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Stink Dick

It was the season of 21sts and the single period after Cherry and I broke up. I was at that stage of being over the heartache and not really giving a crap about guys, just getting drunk and having a good time.

I’m at a friends costume party dressed as a dog, and something something who knows how it happened but I end up sleeping with this guy. Let’s call him SD.

Side note: wtf is with picking up guys when dressed up? And I’m not talking about the slut version of costumes, I had freakin black spots painted on my face. Perhaps a closet furry?

Anyway, so it kind of turned in to a one night stand that wouldn’t go away and somehow turned into a relationship. A quite mundane and boring relationship. I think it was the epitome of a rebound, no feeling but it fills the time kind of thing.

We would do relatively boring things – eat dinner and then fuck in my car. He never focused on making me cum (don’t think I ever did? Not worth remembering).

And OMG he had stink dick. Like, how can you be 21 with stink dick? Do you even shower? And I actually put that thing inside me. Gross. But at the time I was young and thought perhaps it was normal or something .


6 months down the track I was somewhat looking for an excuse to break up with him (the dude wore skinny jeans for jeebus sakes!) Luckily, he went away for a weekend  with friends and one of my bfs was part of the crowd. She caught him fucking this known slag and let me know.

Who would have thought that cheating could bring so much elation, but there we were. So I was at work and couldn’t wait until I finished. I texted him to come meet me and dumped him there. Dumb ass denied it the whole time which made it so much easier, because dude you were caught red handed.

He lost a unicorn for one night with a hippo. 

Conquest count: 12

Nonsense unicorn


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My first rebound: I faked it and he could tell

A group of four of us girls headed off to the Gold Coast for a few days away. Freshly heart broken, I was happy to get away with some close friends. 

I wasn’t looking to hook up with anyone because these weren’t the kind of friends you do that with. 

We arrive and head out for a night of drinks and fun. We end up at a cowboy style bar for some drinks. It wasn’t very packed, so we just had fun dancing like idiots on the dance floor.

This super hot blond tall guy comes up to the group and starts talking particularly to me. Now I’ve never been a flirty person or particularly prithee to the attention of the male kind. So when he asked if he could buy me a drink I was all “pfft why would you want to do that? For me?!” But he was insistent and I conceded and went with it.

I recall being quite surprised that this super hot dude was interested in fumbly awkward me of all people. One of my other friends (who is no longer a friend due to her narcissistic peacockery) was annoyed that he wasn’t dazzled by her charms – why me? And I wasn’t even looking! I guess it’s like the old saying “it happens when you least expect it”…


So he asks me back to his place and I tell my friends I’m sorry but I’m gonna bail and go with this guy because I have low self esteem and need to do this after my break up. And off we went.

He takes me back to his place and the jiggy gets going. He starts going down on me…. And it feels like sand paper. He goes at it for a while, and I lie there moaning thinking “uhh I’m so not going to come, but young me doesn’t know how to get him to stop”…. So I decide to fake it with some louder moans and mmm yeah that was awesome.

He was sad.

“You didn’t come”.


And I was all (shit) “oh no I totally did that was great. We should fuck now”.

And so we did, and his room mate comes home and crashes in the bed next to him and we silently keep going at it and then fall asleep spooning.

The next morning instead of kicking me to the curb he actually walked me 20 minutes along the beach back to my hotel. What a gentleman.

That’s probably the sweetest walk of shame I’ve ever done.

And I’ve never faked an orgasm since.

Nonsense unicorn

Conquest count so far: 5