Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


5 Comments

If technology fails #2

If technology fails (original post)

So last week we had a crazy storm and lost power, phone and data reception. I got to try out this ‘no technology’ life for 3 days and let me tell you now, there was no folk dancing.. It was more stinky shoeless hairy hippy than free-love ‘flowers in your hair’ hippy but nevertheless, I have devised some tips for when life suddenly becomes the dark ages.

Food
*Eat whatever junk you have in your fridge for breakfast. I recommend cheese and bacon rolls.
*BBQ all your meat that is now starting to go off in your fridge/freezer and have a feast. Ignore the fact that your partner is not only driving around looking at trees fallen over power lines but never invited you to begin with. Keep cooking and be prepared for no thankyou (yeah that was a rant, men can be douchebags).
*Wrap up your frozen pies and leftover pizza in foil and cook them on the fireplace stove. If you need to make amends for your earlier douchebaggery, make cute little duck heads in the foil.
image

*Do not send a bunch of stoner boys in their 20s to get backup food. They will bring back bags of chips (all bbq and Chilli flavoured), salsa and chocolate. Not exactly a quality breakfast, lunch OR dinner. Thanks you bloody idiots!
*Eat takeaways. Most places won’t have power either so don’t wear your pj’s out thinking you’re doing a mcdonalds drive-through. You’ll most likely drive around for 20 mins and everyone will be disappointed and agitated.
*Ice will be sold out everywhere so only buy what you can eat in one sitting.
*Empty out your fridge and freezer on the third day. Your frozen stuff won’t be frozen anymore. That Magnum (chocolate coated icecream) will have to be eaten with a spoon and the yoghurt that is a bit warm and past its best before date will seem like a good idea to eat.

image

So that was interesting..

*Explore new sandwich ideas. Tomato and pickles on semi-stale bread was alright.
*Be employed. My bf had lunch and beers at a pub with workmates the same day I had that lovely sandwich. I’m poor and have no car soooo yeah, go me!

Drinks
*While it’s raining, collect some water from your overflowing water tanks. Alternatively, buy big bottles of water from the shop and stick some buckets outside to collect water. You’ll need these, trust me.
*Drink your rapidly warming beer – my dad actually drinks warm beer but for the rest of us cringing right now – when it starts feeling a little too warm, sit it outside on a cold night and it’ll feel colder than your warm room. Brain gotst FOOLED.
*Yes, you will want alcohol, don’t give me that look.
*Once your beer is fully warm, just go to spirits.
*If you’re fancy, shake your head at my insanity and casually drink your red wine by candlelight.

Daily activities
*Let’s just get this out the way – when you’re on tank water, no power = no toilet flushing. So you need to tip a bucket of water in the dunny when you’re done. Depending on the toilet, you may be a little scared at times, so just make sure it’s a substantial sized bucket to cut down on the amount of toilet freakouts.
*Put soapy water in your sink to wash your hands in during the day.
*I cannot stress how awesome that magical hand gel is. For some reason while having no power, your hands seem to randomly stink. Weird. Make friends with a bottle of hand gel.
*If it’s the middle of the night, you’ve decided its easier to go out the front door than try and find the bathroom in the pitch black (why didn’t I have a torch?!) and have popped a squat on your front lawn only to realise you can’t find your trusty hand gel, spray your hands with Glen 20. If you’re a guy, stop judging me for a) pissing outside and b) actually wanting to clean my hands after peeing.
*Charge your phone with a usb charger in the car. If you don’t have a car, car charger or phone reception then fuck it, go caveman style.
*Your showers are going to be either very cold or non existent so I recommend ‘shower in a packet’ (any of those baby wipes, face wipes etc will do), deodorant and CLEAN UNDERWEAR! I cannot stress this enough. If you’re running low, just go commando 😀
*Bucket + water + washing powder = washing machine. Only do what you desperately need to. For me it was dog blankets because the little grubs were running in all the muddy water and rolling in dead animals. Ew.
*If like me you need to clean a dog that smells, I found the simplest method was wiping some hand gel over the dog’s back. Boom, fresh as a daisy. As a side note (sorry for the regulars as I’ve said this in the past), when your dog has short fur that doesn’t get stuck in the dog brush properly, scratch it’s back and run a lint brush over it. My dogs think I’m crazy fo sho..
*Gas lights are whheeeeyyyy better than candles. Hang them off something in the middle of your room and it’s almost like having power! If they run out, go to bed. Candles don’t light up much and if you use it for a bedside lamp and blow it out when you want to sleep, you’ll see in the morning that there’s a frozen wax waterfall off your candle holder. Whoops.

Entertainment
*Board games! The boys played Monopoly for 9 hours one day/night. Yeah thats ages but they were stoned so sober it probably would have been finished in 3. I lost every single board game we played which makes me feel like a piece of shit; apparently I have fewer brain cells than a bunch of stoned boys in their 20’s.. Sigh. Don’t worry all is not lost, when the power came back on, I had an opportunity to show them how skilled I am at Mortal Kombat 😉 Violent video games for the winnnnn!
image

*Do that stuff around the house that you’ve been putting off. I started a kitchen reno by demolishing the old cabinets and…
*Throwing the old (wooden) cabinets on a bonfire pile. Byeeee old kitchen!
*At one point I caught one of the boys throwing chillis in the air and trying to hit them with a stick. So.. There’s that?

Beauty
*I hope you’re laughing already. Looking natural is one thing but you’re going to look like a haggard old cavewoman by day 2. Ok maybe day 3 for normal folk but if you’re demolishing a kitchen, then we’ll stick with day 2. Or even 1. o.O
*Tie your hair up, wear a hood or chuck on a hat because ladies, if like me it’s now over a week since you washed your hair, that greasy slick sitting atop your head is probably not what you want everyone to be staring at.
*It gets worse. You will witness flies having sex in your hair.
*The good news is at night, you will look radiant by candlelight. Woot woo. But sex is off the cards when you can’t tell what smells worse; your underarms or your gouch. Shower in a packet isn’t as good as the real thing, don’t be fooled!

In conclusion, 3 days with no power in suburbia is a hell of a lot different than 3 days with no power on a farm. Especially when it isn’t your own family you’re living with, you have no job, you live with stoners and you’re renovating a house with a very indecisive mother-in-law. I’m going back to the idea by NU that involves living in a cave and throwing rocks at people who come too close. Which I guess makes me want no technology and no people.. Cave hermits for the win!

Rambling Goat

Advertisements


22 Comments

Pussy Power

This post has been a long time coming, mainly because I felt like in ‘giving this secret away’, men might take it the wrong way. But I’ve honestly had enough of watching women succumb to the pressures of attracting men.

Men, try not to take this as a negative, it’s Rambling Goat empowering women. I love you guys, and don’t you forget it.

This is for all the girls who.. Ahh fuck it, this is for all girls.

image

There is nothing here that I’m about to say that you don’t know. Some of us just forget occasionally and a lot of us don’t use this information to our advantage. But listen up – There’s a magical treasure box of awesomeness between your legs.

Words don’t even begin to describe how amazingly awesome this little region is. It’s nature at its finest. It’s so much more intense than say, a leg. Its intricate, internal *and* external, and sensitive. It has demands. It affects our ability to think/focus. It’s pleasure can make us feel like we’re flying to another planet. Or if you really push it to the extreme limit of pleasure, well I assume thats how a heroin junkie feels after they shoot up. Can’t move, can’t talk, need a blanket, floating.

Its a crazy part of the body, but we can get so used to having a vagina that we forget how truly awesome it is.

Men love our vaginas. And why wouldn’t they; we smell and taste good (so long as we keep our hygiene up!), have a whole bunch of magical folds and bumps that respond to touch, and are the perfect puzzle piece for their manlihood.

It’s like a game to play with someone else’s punani. There’s so many different combinations of touch and when you get the right ones for that girl, bingo, you hit the jackpot. Its like a very hands-on video game. Any man that does not want to play this video game is nuts. Well ok, I’ll be more rational – they may have a severe lack of confidence, mental issues, or are immature and just after their own pleasure (poke poke spooge). Let’s say 99% of men *want* their tongue in your folds, but some don’t go through with it. Its the want/need/desire they have for our vaginas that is important in this post.

Let’s put this simply. A vagina feels better for a guy than a hand. It’s wet, bumpy, tight (well ok not always..), soft and has a moaning girl attached to it. There’s also other sexy features nearby – the bum and the tits. And don’t forget the soft skin, arching back, curved hips etc etc. Yep, us women have all the right stuff to arouse hetero men. And some other women 😀

We already all joke that the penis has a mind of its own, but surprise surprise, we hold the key that controls that mind. If women all over the world all went on a holiday away from men, they’d still wank at the thought of us. Its human nature to be sexually attracted to others and we’ve got the goods to attract men.

The best part is, we carry the treasure box (and other fun features) around with us every. single. day. Yep, we can walk into a room of men and know that we hold the key. And this is what I like to call Pussy Power. It’s the confidence from awareness. I know I can walk down the street and have guys not only look at me, but think sexual thoughts about me. If I get rejected at a bar, I know I can walk over to the next group of guys and find a taker if I so wish. I refuse to be put off and emotionally scarred by one guy when I know the majority of men would be happy to have me. This pussy power awareness makes me confident. And guess what, confidence is sexy.

So ladies, realise that you have pussy power. I’m not telling you to go around telling everyone how awesome you are, how you have pussy power and can attract a man at the drop of a hat. I’m telling you to say it in your head. On the outside is a smile, a good posture of straight back and chest out, butt feeling a bit more pert and cute than usual and if you’re wearing high heels then there’s definitely a sexy strut to accompany all this. No one knows what’s going on in your head except you. They just see what’s on the outside and with pussy power thoughts on the inside, the outside looks will be that much more sexy.

Next time you get rejected, forget him. Pussy power didn’t work on him (maybe he’s already taken, or you’re not exactly his cup of tea) but it sure as heck will work on the next guy. Don’t give up. You own a magical treasure box of awesomeness and don’t you forget it.

Rambling Goat