Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


Forever Young

I received a text last night about another friend expecting a baby. I think that now officially moves the ratio of my friends closer to the motherhood side and I am the outlier . Eww.

I am officially at that age where all my friends are getting married and having babies, and I’m just here roller skating, looking at BJD dolls and planning which gaming console I’m going to buy next.

I don’t care if I’m 30, im too damn young to be needing all of this adult bullshit.

When I received the text last night, instead of feeling happy for my friend I started to get that gut wrenching burn of anxiety inside my chest. I closed my eyes and tried not to panic about the perpetual paradox that I live in.

Why don’t I want the same things as everyone else? Am I unknowingly a sociopath or something?

I don’t want babies now, but I also don’t want to have babies when I’m older.

I don’t want to get married, but I don’t want babies out of wedlock.

All these thoughts, wishing I could just follow the status quo. But I don’t freaking want to.

And I know that blah blah when the time is right, but you can’t argue with biology. And what if I end up having wary menopause, or fertility problems, I’m already 7 years out of my breeding prime, am I really meant to be thinking of re-spawning now?

When do I draw the line and make the decision to take a leap into adulthood?

When do I have to grow up?

Nonsense Unicorn



Weddings can suck my metaphoric balls

This stupid wedding culture that exists pisses me off. I can’t stand listening, reading or watching people ramble on about the “perfect day” they deem worth of falling into perpetual debt for.

That life isn’t worth anything until you’ve met that milestone of being married.

Just so you can feel that 10 seconds of pride when you dangle that overpriced ring in the faces of your school mates at your reunion.

Here are some of the main things that make me loathe weddings.

“it’s HER special day
Women tend to think that a wedding is all about her. An excuse to be a “princess for a day”. Where anything goes because “it’s her special day”. It’s all about the bride.

She wants diamond encrusted napkins? Let her have it, it’s HER day.

Those silk chair covers that no one cares about cost $10K? Well, it’s HER day.

Honestly, it’s like these women can finally let their inner psycho bitch be free – but don’t worry it’s all about her so it’s okay if she gets all bridezilla.

What about the groom? Aren’t weddings meant to be about the union of two people and celebrating their commitment and love?

spending 50 billion dollars on one day
I never have and never will understand people spendin so much money on weddings. It’s wasteful, stupid, superficial and douchey. Why spend enough money to feed a small country for a year on a day for you to run yourself in everyone’s faces?

“But it’s the most important day of my life”. Well, if that’s the case then I feel bad for you son because you are setting yourself up for failure! I want to live my life trying to make every day better than the last, not put all my
Kittens in one basket and then exist in a puddle of regrets.


“But the memories!” Yeah, some of the best memories I have didn’t cost anything (or at the least the amount of a bottle of vodka), so again I feel sorry for you if you feel like you need to BUY the best memories of your life.

“But the photos need to be perfect!” iPhones take pretty awesome photos these days, and honestly people enjoy looking at the funny candid photos captured unknowingly by a friend than some douchey hipster wank close up of your hands, or looking longingly into the distance together under a coolabah tree. Who even does that in real life? If I want photos, I want hilarious ones that capture the awesomeness of reality, not some douche photographers “vision” of the “perfect wedding”.

expecting a shower of presents and money
So back in the day presents made sense because people would get married and THEN get a house together. Now, times have changed and most people live together already and have everything.

I refuse to buy off gift registries because they’re just a way for people to scam their loved ones for shit you don’t really need and can’t afford but want for your little superficial life. NOPE you get an oxfam goat or a handmade picture frame of that hilarious time.

the moral of the story
Too many people invest so much in this one day. How about investing in your whole life? Makes me wonder about the divorce rates and such in this world – maybe if people got their priorities straight it wouldn’t be so high.

I guess from this you would think I’m quite anti-marriage, aye? Well yes and no. I have never been your typical girl who has planned out her dream wedding – because I don’t have one and don’t desire a wedding to define my life.

However, if I felt I was with the right person then I would consider celebrating the sacrament of marriage to them to celebrate OUR relationship and commitment. (And so I can walk down the aisle to “I was made for loving you” by Kiss. I told the boy that and I think he thinks I’m joking but I’m totes not).

But it would be in a garden, with a jukebox, BBQ and lots of vodka so everyone can just party and enjoy themselves! And we would wake up the next morning thinking, “well that was a hectic party / how can we top that next weekend?”

Keep it real folks, many of life’s joys cannot be bought with a price tag

nonsense unicorn