Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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A few filler fellas

Or a few filler fucks, but perhaps that’s a bit too crass for a heading. Also, How’s that for alliteration! Anyway, I thought I would get back to my conquest list.

There are a couple that are just not full blog worthy, so I thought I would just provide a quick list of some of the conquests that I can remember.

Sharing is caring: RG’s Ex

After the douche that broke my esteem, I was feeling terribly down and shitty about myself and just wanted to crawl up in a hole and die. Believing that no guy would want to touch me ever again if I was truly as disgusting as douche wad made me out to be.

So RG being the good friend she is said I should totally hit up her ex for a good time to help. And so I did.

Probably one of the most hilarious and awkward things I have done!


Two boring jack hammers

Then there are two guys from school that ended up as drunken screws. Nothing exciting, too drunk and no self esteem to care, ended up back at their place to be a starfish to their jack hammer. Walk of shame in the morning.


I didn’t know it at the time as I didn’t know them well enough, but apparently they both had girlfriends so I was unknowingly the “other woman” for a night. What jerks.

And that brings us to the double digits….

Nonsense unicorn

Conquest count: 11


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A Unicorn’s Guide to Dating

For some reason my reader on WordPress is full of hapless tales of dating by men and women.  Totally not a problem, although there seems to be quite a pattern of “rules and regulations” you are apparently meant to follow in the dating world which I think is quite ridiculous (and obviously not working for a lot of people).

So, as someone who has been in many a relationship (current one 4.5 years) and never actually been on a date myself – I think I’m totes the right authority here to give you all some advice on how to go about this dating bizzo!

So throw out all your The Game and He’s Just Not That Into You bibles and guides and check out my Unicorn Guide to Dating.

What to Wear

Spending hours standing outside your wardrobe trying to concieve the right outfit to wear on your date?  Do they like heels, is my skirt too short?  Should I wear a tshirt?  Well, here is a well hidden secret that fashion designers will hate you for…..wear whatever the damn hell YOU want.  That is all.  Wear a dang potato sack or onesie if that makes you comfortable.

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But NU, what if they judge me for my potato sack?

Tell them to swallow a rusty whisk and GTFO.  Do you want to be with someone who is going to fob you off for what you wear?  Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, be you!  This coming from someone who has picked people up when dressed as a dog, transvestite and a onesie.

When you should call/ text/ email

There seems to be a strict formula out there, where you should divide the time you spent together on the date and multiply that by 543 then square root to the power of 4 to get the exact time and date of when you should contact them again.  Wrong by 4.34 of a decimal? BOOM they’re gonna hate you forever!

My homies, just message when you want to talk to them.  Next day, next week, whatever.  If someone is gonna be all “ermagherd he texted me like 32 hours after our date, what a needy beedy” then stuff them!

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Disclaimer:  just don’t be a total stalker messaging fifty billion times every second before they respond to you, that is a little much…

When should the P go into the V (or P into A, or V into V… whatevs)

My current boy pretty much is a one night stand that wouldn’t go away, and now we’re totally happy and crazy living together with fur babies and shenanigans.  Actually, pretty much all my relationships (bar one as a youngun 18 year old, we waited like 3 weeks…) have been clingy one night standers. Sooooo I reckon when your pringle gets the tingle then your privates gotta mingle!

 

If they think you’re a hoe or man-whore after that, then they’re not worth your time.  The right person will know you’re worth sticking around for!

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And I think that’s enough advice for now, or you all are gonna be getting married and loved up left right and centre!  Maybe more to come when I could be bothered – I am a unicorn after all and have pretty important sparkle parties to attend to.

 

Nonsense Unicorn


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Am I the only one?

We all have our weird quirks and habits, especially when we are alone and think that no one else knows.

Well, out of plain curiosity you will now all know some of the weird things I do! As I ask you all: am I the only one? Surely not, right?

I trace words with my tongue on the back of my teeth

My subconscious brain will extract a particularly satisfying word I have heard that day, and will begin to trace it in cursive back and forth on the back of my teeth…

Am I the only one? Or mildly OCD?

Find my farts hilarious

Sometimes I’ll be alone and they will toot in a specially funny way and I can’t help but crack up.

I use my boobs and stomach as a table

Cheaper than buying a stable table, comfier than sitting in an upright position.

Read the shampoo bottle in the shower

And the gel. And the soap. And the face wash. It feels more satisfying than reading a good book.

Miss my mouth when brushing my teeth

This happens more frequently than one would think. Toothpaste in the eye does not create a fresher outlook on life.

And a thought to leave you with: ever noticed how your tongue doesn’t sit comfortably in your mouth?
Over and out

Nonsense unicorn


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Tattoos and Peeing

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Ok I’m going to say this straight up; I’m 28 and I pee’d on the floor. I was legitimately shocked too, I didn’t mean to do it. It wasn’t a drunk blunder like my ex who pissed on the TV in the middle of the night, but rather a sober miscalculation of sorts..

I’m getting a new tattoo which happens to be on the back of my thigh. The first stint was the outline and it hurt like a mofo. I’m learning a lot about anatomy from this like:
*the back of your thigh is tender as f*ck and
*there’s shit in there that makes you twitch. My tattooist said it was like tattooing a jumping castle..

On the way home my leg seized up like a peg leg and then entered a lot of puddles against my will. I get inside and need to pee. Well fiddle-dee-dee, the seat is right where my painful leg would sit. Challenge accepted (mainly because I’m busting). So I manage to do the most awkward sitting position where one butt cheek is on the seat and the peg leg is in the air.

After a terrible nights sleep where I pretty much squashed my tits into flattened pancakes against the mattress, then coming to the conclusion that I can’t actually get any of my work pants on, nor fathom a day of physical work, I encounter my next two problems.

Problem 1: Getting my monthlies. There’s something about period blood and an open wound that screams unhygienic to me. If there are any female pirates with a peg leg and a tampon needing to be used, I understand your mental anguish. Let’s just leave it at that.

Problem 2: Needing to crap. I was half freaking out, half lolling at this little adventure.

Stupidly a day before getting started on the tat, I noticed that I needed to not only wash my hair, but also dye my hair. Did I do it? No.
Enter Problem 3: Dying hair. Hair dye and an open wound are again not feeling like the best match made in heaven but I do it anyway. I’ve got the day off work and I’m getting used to these awkward challenges so what could go wrong? Uhhhh yeah, I’m pretty sure I damaged my back somewhat. Apparently bending over forwards in the shower and washing the hair dye from neck down to the top of my head is like a bajillion times harder that doing it the opposite way. But I feel that it was the only way to keep the dye from running down my leg.

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Well it took like 3-4 times as long. So apart from getting hair dye in my eyes various times, my hunched over position turned me into even more of a cripple.

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In conclusion, the whole painful leg thing wore off in 2-3 days and I booked in to get the rest of it finished off.

Stint number two came around and I made sure it was a friday afternoon to solve the work clothes not fitting issue. I didn’t bother trying to change the pancake boobs situation but came up with a genius plan for the other issues:
1. Numbing cream – sometimes it’s ok to be a wimp ok?
2. Wash my hair before going.
3. Sit right forward on the toilet seat so the tat doesn’t touch it.

Well the bloody numbing cream wore off about halfway through, I realised I have visible roots in my hair and should have dyed it and my pee ended up going on the floor. My bad.

Not only that but while visiting the toilet for a #2, my dog yelped. Cue the freak out and ‘quicken this shit up!’ (literally) because of all the times to possibly yelp, this truly was bad timing. Footnote: I hobbled out of the bathroom in a frenzy and she was sitting there wagging her tail and smiling. Errrr.. Cheers.

Of course there’s always little lessons to be learnt along the way. Today for example, I swept the floor with a semi-peg leg and noticed something hilarious. When you bend over to pick up say, a pile of dust with your dustpan and broom, you will look like a giraffe drinking. There’s no casual bending over as normal.

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Also, sneezing while bent over like a giraffe and holding a dustpan of dust is not attractive and results in further sweeping.

So now after all this, I look at girls with tattooed legs posing for a casual selfie and think ‘cute as that selfie is, you and I know that you’ve probably pissed on the floor.’

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UNLESS everyone else has thought more logically; as the ever-wise NU pointed out to me, “you should get a shewee!”

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I asked a guy friend with a tattooed butt how he sat on the toilet during recovery. “Like normal. I just sucked it up and dealt with the pain”. Ok smarty pants.

Either which way it’s safe to say that reality is rarely glamorous. Keep it real peeps!

Rambling Goat


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Nonsense Review: Skyrim (RG’s version)

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For those of you who don’t know Skyrim, let’s summarise it as a medieval video game with sorcery, dragons, trolls and giants. Yes, on face value it sounds nerdy as all shit but it’s made so well that you can’t help but be dragged into the hype once you start playing it.

Let me stop all the skyrim fanatics right here though because before anyone starts talking technical mumbo jumbo with me, I’m going to say straight up that I’m not a hardcore quest-hunter but am more of a bumbling idiot. Thankfully skyrim allows for bumbling idiots and hilarity ensues.

I’m not going to give you a proper gamers review, actually I’m just going to say that Skyrim is epic. I appreciate a game where I can do all the kind of shit that I can’t in real life and this is one of those games.

Let me tell you a few of my tales:
1. I killed a woman who ran an orphanage. Before you get those glarey eyebrows on me, she treated the kids like shit. Apparently some assassin was meant to kill her so when I did it instead, I got drugged and had to kill someone else. Fair enough, makes perfect sense (?). I picked a guy who looked like a cat who told me he was a criminal. The assassin people were impressed so now I’m an assassin.

I’m sure I’ll get around to going to their den and making ‘hits’ but for now I’m trying to sell swords and shields that I steal off skeleton corpses because I want to buy a house and it’s $5000. Priorities people!

2. I paid for a guy to be released from jail. After taking the money, the guard scoffed and said he’d ‘get around to’ letting him out. I got impatient and didn’t trust him so I got into a ‘sneak’ position (crouched, soft footsteps) and pickpocketed him. Well I was right in front of him so he saw me. Because I helped the jarl (leader of the town), he let me off. I checked my pockets, the bastard still had the key! So I went ahead and helped myself to his pockets again, this time from the back. Again, he caught me. This time I paid him to let me go. However due to some weird loophole, I now had a bounty for pickpocketing a guard twice so after taking the money happily, he tried to chase me. I bribed him to let me off for the bounty.

In conclusion, I want to become invisible and pickpocket the bastard again. I just think about that poor guy in jail (I can’t remember what he’s in there for) who should be released. Mainly because I paid for it, let’s be honest.

3. I found a conjurer with a firey apparition lady. Awesome! So I walked on over happy as larry and the mofo’s killed me (death #1).

I figured they were bad so headed over ready to kill and rob them, as you do. As I was nearing the sight, well tickle me pink – a bear was mauling them. Awww shit yeah, killed them without trying! Let’s get to the robbing. I headed over to the body of the person and stole their clothes, but the bear turned around and ran back at me. It then mauled me and my lifeless body fell onto the naked corpse (death #2).

Ok new tactic. Nope, a bear mauled me on my way to the site (death #3).

Ok far out, now I’m just wanting this over with. After shooting my arrows into the rock I’m trying to hide behind (I’m a dud aim in archery), the conjurer came running at me and the fight was on! Holy shit, I succeeded! But I look around and my offsider (she’s some chic who fights for me and more importantly carries a shitload of junk that I want to sell) is dead. God dammit. I grab all the stuff off her and realise I’m now carrying 500kg/lb worth of stuff and am walking at snail pace. I’m in the middle of nowhere and my horse ran away ages ago when a bear was mauling me. I decide to go back to my last save point (with my bow aimed at the rock). Let’s make this death #4.

Death #5 came about with me trying to sneak up on the conjurer and use a new spell that I hadn’t tried before (a firey explosion). Seems it didn’t work. Also, my offsider died again, possibly due to said explosion.

FINALLY I defeated to stupid bloody conjurer and it’s stupid bloody fire lady. I saved the game and got the frig out of there.

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———–

So, as you can see, Skyrim is amusing, fun, hard at times, a massive time-consumer, random as all shit but also teaches you life lessons on stuff you’ll hopefully never have to encounter.

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Rambling Goat

Ps. For Skyrim fans who are wondering, I’m a redhead Wood Elf 😀


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I got shat on by a Croc.

I went on a holiday up north a week ago. Apparently this area is not only infested by crocodiles (you cant go swimming), but also Cane Toads which have poisonous skin.

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Mmmmm tasty.

So it sounded like it was going to be fun! I was going with bf and some of his family (mainly boys) so there wasn’t going to be any cocktails by the pool. We were going to get adventurous.

Lunch of the first day was interesting. Here we were with a couple of grandparents at the local RSL, eating and drinking. I was at one end of the table and the oldies were at the other. After finishing my conversation with a couple of the boys, I turned around to get back into the other conversation. It sounded like the oldies were talking about their new camping spot. They were saying they tended to the little garden they had around their caravan. I say “oh that sounds nice, how often do you go there? Like once a year?”

The gran says “no no, once a month, sometimes more”. I notice everyone’s looking at me horrified.. The subject gets changed quickly, we finish up lunch and head to the car. Bf’s dad breaks the silence “Wow, nudist colony!! Didn’t see that coming!”
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So apparently I sounded overly keen to hear about a couple in their 70’s/80’s getting nude and doing gardening. Oh and it’s a colony so they hang out with other nudists.

Funny sidenote on that – I made mention of this as a funny facebook status update (“it’s only awkward if you make it awkward”) and my 83 year old nan ‘liked’ my post. Yeah, she’s on fb and is apparently loving oldies being nudists. Not going to think about that for any longer than I need to!

After lookouts and bushwalks that afternoon, we decided the next day we’d ride an amphibian. image

At this amphibian adventure park, we also found out we could meet a croc and get a photo. Yesssss!! I’m there.

Now before you go imagining this:
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It’s actually more like this:

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But with sticky tape on its snout..

Right before I was meant to hold my little croc, there was a wet sloppy noise and the handler got coated in shit. So much so that he noted “ugh, that’s definitely wet my phone..”. Also, as he went to hand me the thing, it was thrashing around in his hands. So I was both disgusted and freaked out.

Well the area I was told to put my left hand was absolutely, positively, the anus. I asked if I could move my hand up further but the request was denied. So there’s your old pal RG wrapping her hand over (and gripping tightly) a crocs butt. A crocs butt that had just taken a shit and not had any sort of clean up.

So yeah, handed the thing back after my photo (I’m not sure what was scarier – the croc or my jowls and hairy arms, you’re meant to make me look hot you stupid photographer!), and we know how it ends up; I had croc shit all over my hand. It wasn’t on my bucket list but I guess I’ll have to add it so I can tick it off. Uhhhh yay?

The next day we headed to the Great Barrier Reef for a day of snorkling. Bf’s dad told us it’d be flat and it’s a reef so the boat ride out would be nice. It wasn’t.

Normally I don’t get seasick but I’ve since discovered my trifecta of necessary requirements for a good ol chuck chunder;
1. Other people vomiting. Hearing a whole bunch of people vomiting, smelling the vomit and seeing someone holding a bag full of vomit is not cool.
2. Toilet water on my feet. So the waves knocked the boat around a fair bit and on one of these particular waves, the water got knocked out of the toilet, spilling on the floor and then my feet. Which also leads onto..
3. Toes. Not only were my toes covered in toilet water but I looked out of the window and someone on the second level had their feet hanging over the edge and they were wiggling their toes.

And my toe phobia really amped up that combination because before you know it, I was outside next to bf’s dad’s gf (who herself was holding backing vomit) projectile vomiting my pancake breakfast into the Great Barrier Reef.

Worst part? There was a gap in the solid railing wall where my feet were and I happened to get vomit on my toes. No kidding.

Ugh, anyway after that I was good, we got to the snorkeling area and instead of looking like this:
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It looked like this:
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No exaggeration. There weren’t sexy girls in bikinis and tanned men playfully splashing the water, there was a shitload of wind, 90% of people wearing wetsuits and people either using pool noodles to help them float or wearing life jackets. There was even a group of people all holding on to a life ring with a ‘guide’ pulling them.

I went out with bf and with the waves and current, he lasted like 15 mins then gave up and went back to the boat. As there were 6 of us, we’d decided to have partners but mine just left me! As I was waiting for his 2 brothers to come hang with me, I realised I was just hanging out in the deep water between the boat and the shallower reef. It took them maybe 10 mins to get to me, and in the meanwhile I was just treading water and floating around. Enter phobia #2 – sharks.

Now I dont know about you guys, but the sound of water and being shit scared are both ways to make me need to piss. I couldn’t remember if pee attracts sharks but I held that baby tight until the boys got out to me.

I sussed it out. “Does pee attract sharks?” “Dunno”. Good enough for me. Ladies and gentleman, I pissed in the Great Barrier Reef. And I heard a while ago that it warms up wetsuits – yep, confirmed.

Later on, I even did it again. No shark bites, just fish swimming in my urine (and vomit from earlier). Sorry sea life! I feel like on a mere technicality, it kind of cancels out because I too had vomit on me and swam in urine that day.

Oh yeah, another lovely holiday!

Rambling Goat


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Romance

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With Valentines Day coming up and the onslaught of lovey dovey posts, I got thinking – am I the only one (apart from NU) who thinks romance has gone too far?!
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I legit just heard a song with an old guy singing the words “Send me the pillow that you dream on”. The song before that had another old guy just talking to music (Its a radio station run by volunteers, plenty of wtf moments..) and he said “I just kissed a princess and became a king”.

I just don’t get it. I’ve had two separate guys play a guitar and sing me a love song and I found it soooo incredibly awkward each time. Sorry, I just don’t get it. I just spent the time staring like a deer in headlights and freaking out with all these thoughts of ‘oh god, what are you doing with your life RG?!’, ‘Do I have to tell him that was good? Because its pretty rubbish and I’m feeling awkward as hell.’ And ‘I wonder what’s for dinner? Dammit woman, focus on the words of the song or whatever you’re meant to be doing!’

Romance to me is different. Yes there was the time bf bought me flowers, chocolates, handpicked me flowers or the cards he’s written but I find certain moments that might not be normally seen as romantic, as romantic.
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I won’t be a bore and give you whole list but here’s a couple of examples:
* I was keen to try spanking, so one weekend away after a night of exploring the bare bum spank (harder = better, just sayin) we were sitting in the car. I told him that when he spanked me it made me grin. For whatever reason I was feeling a bit flat and asked if he could spank me right there. He looked around and in the rear vision mirror and said “what?! There’s people around!” I got out of the car and bent over in front of the door and after a small pause he smacked my arse from inside the car. I told him it wasn’t hard enough so he did two more, harder each time. I got back in the car giggling.
Its not a real raunchy story and it doesn’t sound very romantic but he did something that he didn’t really want to do just to make me happy (classic symptom of love LOL) and I thought it was sweet.

*A few years back I went to Europe on my own for 4 months with no flight booked home and $8000. Needless to say, I ran out of money (conveniently the day before bf arrived to see me for Xmas – 3 months in).
Anyway right before he came over, he booked my flight home. The flight had 3 stops. One of the stops was the middle of the night so we walked through a deserted airport while the plane refueled. I asked “What country is this?! Everything is written in strange symbols” he replies “Dunno?!”
As stupid as it sounds, this still makes me giggle and think its romantic. You see, he’d gone to a travel agent, booked the flight in such a hurry and got the cheapest one in order to afford both our flights, that he hadn’t spent any time any time studying the location of our stopovers. He had one mission – get us home. The stopovers were unimportant, he knew as little as me.
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So last night I was watching ‘If You Are The One’ (awesomely entertaining Chinese dating show) and the girls are all so judgemental when it comes to finding love. That and they seem to be more interested in money than love.
Guys if you think its hard dating, you should see the shit these girls say to Chinese guys. And apparently the Australian version cuts out the parts where they ask about wage and how much savings they have in the bank!

I’ve heard:
*(to the host when questioned) “He’s too fat.”
*”Hi. You say you’re trendy but.. What are you wearing?!”
*”You’re a farmer so I don’t think you’re wealthy.”
Real romantic!

Meanwhile, this guy rejected 2 interested girls for his “love at first sight” choice. After singing her a love song, spoiler alert, he got shut down. “You’re young and haven’t had hardships so I don’t think you can love someone properly.” He yells out as they’re ushering him off stage “What is your minimum age?”

Suffice to say, I haven’t learnt any romance tips from the show, although I’m finding some creepy pickup lines to use for my own amusement..
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More unusual lines from the show here.

I’m happy to stay where I am, lurking somewhere between the Valentines Day hype and punching you in the nuts and/or berating you for being poor.

Don’t be fooled by the chocolates, flowers and cards. That’s forced romance.
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Real romance is the little things that make us smile. According to whatever online dictionary I just used (sorry I’m now drunk at this point), it is the “expressive and pleasurable feeling from an emotional attraction towards another person associated with love.”

Sound nice, but I’m just not entirely sure I give off romantic vibes..
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I think I’ll send this pic to bf..
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So I’m pleading with you in advance, don’t be a lamebo – realise Valentines Day may very well be the one day a year when flowers and chocolates sell out (and restaurant seating and hotel rooms), but real romance happens everyday. Liiiiike… When bf says something jokingly mean, I tell him I’m going to shit on his pillow and we both laugh. And then I say “no seriously” and he does the shifty eyes.

Romantically yours,
Ha!
Rambling Goat

Ps. I’m not going to shit on his pillow. I can’t even shit with the door open. But I like to keep him guessing.. Ahh, romance! ❤