Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Forever Young

I received a text last night about another friend expecting a baby. I think that now officially moves the ratio of my friends closer to the motherhood side and I am the outlier . Eww.


I am officially at that age where all my friends are getting married and having babies, and I’m just here roller skating, looking at BJD dolls and planning which gaming console I’m going to buy next.

I don’t care if I’m 30, im too damn young to be needing all of this adult bullshit.


When I received the text last night, instead of feeling happy for my friend I started to get that gut wrenching burn of anxiety inside my chest. I closed my eyes and tried not to panic about the perpetual paradox that I live in.

Why don’t I want the same things as everyone else? Am I unknowingly a sociopath or something?

I don’t want babies now, but I also don’t want to have babies when I’m older.

I don’t want to get married, but I don’t want babies out of wedlock.

All these thoughts, wishing I could just follow the status quo. But I don’t freaking want to.

And I know that blah blah when the time is right, but you can’t argue with biology. And what if I end up having wary menopause, or fertility problems, I’m already 7 years out of my breeding prime, am I really meant to be thinking of re-spawning now?

When do I draw the line and make the decision to take a leap into adulthood?

When do I have to grow up?


Nonsense Unicorn


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Take a picture (it lasts longer)

So I was out at dinner for a friend’s birthday this evening. One of her friends was apparently allergic to photos.
Whenever anyone went to take a photo, even a whole group shot, she would make the effort to make it clear that “I don’t do photos” and not be included. 
She is either a vampire or so deeply consumed in her insecurities to act this way.
And so I got thinking.

Get over yourself. The photo is not about you, or your double chin, pimple or whatever else you deem to be so hideous as to not be worthy of pictorial evidence.

  
Who actually likes their photo taken? Minus the narcissists and selfie taking teens in this world. Many people don’t find it comfortable, but you do it to let your friends capture a moment.
That’s what it is. It’s about catching a moment. Freezing a memory in time. Just another leaf of the book in your life, a moment you are alive and living and existing. A moment that you can look back on when you are questioning reality and remind yourself “I am indeed alive”.

So just take the fucking photo and get over it. Besides, everyone will be looking at their own double chins and not yours anyway.
Nonsense unicorn


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Am I the only one?

We all have our weird quirks and habits, especially when we are alone and think that no one else knows.

Well, out of plain curiosity you will now all know some of the weird things I do! As I ask you all: am I the only one? Surely not, right?

I trace words with my tongue on the back of my teeth

My subconscious brain will extract a particularly satisfying word I have heard that day, and will begin to trace it in cursive back and forth on the back of my teeth…

Am I the only one? Or mildly OCD?

Find my farts hilarious

Sometimes I’ll be alone and they will toot in a specially funny way and I can’t help but crack up.

I use my boobs and stomach as a table

Cheaper than buying a stable table, comfier than sitting in an upright position.

Read the shampoo bottle in the shower

And the gel. And the soap. And the face wash. It feels more satisfying than reading a good book.

Miss my mouth when brushing my teeth

This happens more frequently than one would think. Toothpaste in the eye does not create a fresher outlook on life.

And a thought to leave you with: ever noticed how your tongue doesn’t sit comfortably in your mouth?
Over and out

Nonsense unicorn


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Duck Quacks Don’t Echo

I have a new favourite show.. Just kidding, it’s still a tie between Archer and Adventure Time. But I *have* found this interesting English show called Duck Quacks Don’t Echo. So because I’ve been slack with the posts lately (so many drafts, need to finish, arrggghhh), I’ll entertain you with some facts that are scientifically proven on the show.

Fact:
1. Laughing 100 ‘ha’s’ (fake or real) burns more calories than using an exercise bike for 10 mins.
Laughing = effective exercise.
Machine gun laughter (hahahaha) = more exercise than a drawn out laugh (haaaaaa).

2. Blue eyed people have a higher tolerance to alcohol. In saying this, they end up spending more money on alcohol to keep up with the brown eyed people, and end up doing more damage to their body.

3. Redheads have a higher tolerance to pain. Non redheads have a gene that blocks the self medicating morphine-like boost, whereas redheads get the boost and feel less pain.

4. Just to make us all feel better, there’s one area of the body that doesn’t feel pain due to the small amount of nerves located there. Think you know where it is? It’s that flap of skin on your elbow that sticks out when you straighten your arm. Pinch it and see if it hurts!

5. If you still want to try and get close to the redhead pain tolerance, swearing when you injure yourself actually decreases the pain.

Now if like me, you’re kind of bored and just want to hear some random useless (or I dare say, useful!) information, all you need is like 2 mins here, but be warned that the ‘Fact Finder’ sections are from the studio audience and not all of them are true (but most are!).

Today just hit hectic on the randomness scale! Enjoy.

Rambling Goat


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I’m an asshole

Reading Jonny’s blog about people assuming he’s a skinhead made me think about the way that people superficially judge others and reminded me of an interaction that happened to me recently.

To preface, I am somewhat a “girly girl” – you know, flowers, dresses and makeup and all that pink stuff.

So with that, I can already imagine the boxes that people would put me in just by looking at me. They think they’ve got you all figured out with one look at your cleavage.

Exhibit A: the other week I was out at a hens party, waiting at the bar for my round of drinks when I am approached by a slightly older dude. It goes like this…

Dude: you look like a lovely young lady. I assume someone like you is happy married…
NU: unfortunately you are sorely mistaken.
Dude: ha no, I think you’re lovely! What’s your name?
NU: nah mate, sorry to fool you but I’m actually a pretty big dick.
Dude: haha what do you mean?!
NU: you know, I’m an asshole. A big one. May this be a lesson in judging book covers my friend.
*walks away with my drinks*
  

Yep, I am one big asshole. My floral headband, velour lips and a line dress would say otherwise though. And so too many times men are fooled by my attire into thinking I’m some meek dainty thing.

  

 Let’s bake cookies for the boys!

Nope. Wrong. I. Am. A. Dick. And I ain’t got no time for your games.

Moral of the story: you know what I’m gonna say 😁
Nonsense unicorn 


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Life as a people phobe

Social anxiety (or what I prefer to call “hermit hoboness”) is a pickle of a dickle to live with. It’s this thing that looms over you and squelches your heart into palpitations when faced with the prospect of *gasp* interacting with humans.

Let me give you a low down on the things that are normal for most but are sucky or terrify me.

Phone calls bring pain

I hate talking to people on the phone. It’s painful. The stress of not being able to hear them, or understand Them, or talk to someone I don’t know. Ergh.

Every ring gives me a heart attack and I battle to decide whether to answer the phone or not.

Hence why my phone is always on silent.  Or I just leave it upstairs – out of sight out of mind.

The dreaded greeting hug

What is with everyone and their need to physically touch me?

Can’t a wave suffice? Thumbs up perhaps?

The worst is when it’s a hug kiss combo. Why not through acid in my eyes too?!?

HUGS ARE MY KRYPTONITE DONT TOUCH ME.

Friends scare me

You would think that you should feel comfortable around your friends and be yourself, yeah? Not for me. Even with the best of friends, I still get incredibly apprehensive meeting them and hanging out.

Even having a good time makes my face ache.

Meeting new people is torture

Why not just lock me up in an iron maiden covered in my own feces instead?

Meeting people turns me into a deer in headlights – I just freeze and want to die. We met some blogger friends who can probably attest to me being as exciting as a limp lemur on morphine. Can’t. Deal. With. Newness. Ugh.

Not to mention having to remember new names, and then you forget their name and then you die.

New people + the greeting hug = certain death

Pretty sure murder is evil, soooo….. if you haven’t known me for 28 years then don’t touch me or you will have a spontaneously combusted corpse to clean off your shoes.

Everybody hates me

Because the situation is so stressful, you overthink every single thing and come to the conclusion that you suck and everybody hates you and WHY DID YOU COME OUT OF YOUR CAVE?

Omg you said something and no one responded – THEY THINK YOU SUCK.

Does that chick have dirt in her eye? NOPE SHE HATES YOU YOU CREEPY FUCKER.

It’s near impossible to just chillax and not be thinking about every single move you make so that you don’t implode and die.

…………aaaaaand I just got turkey slapped.

Okay.

Lost my spot now – so YEAH there’s an insight into the world of social anxiety.  So next time you judge someone for being quiet, or boring, or creepy, just take a moment to think about what kind of internal battle may be going on.

Nonsense Unicorn


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Pleb Life

Due to our fancy shmancy writings on here many would assume that we are high rolling rich cats. Well, let me let you in on a little secret: we’re totes not.

It’s true my friends, your friendly neighbourhood Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn are one step away from being frothy hobos on the street – or what we like to prefer, plebs.

  
But the pleb life is not as bad as you would think. On the contrary, it can be quite amusing as your lack of cash forces you to find cheaper and better forms of entertainment. As someone wise (and probably rich and famous) once said:

Its better to be poor in wealth but rich in spirit 

And rich in spirit we are (and not only due to the vodka).

So here is a list of some of the great and fulfilling benefits of living the pleb life.

Innovative ways to get drunk

  • Going to a music festival and don’t want to pay $10 for a mid strength beer? Just bury some bottles of grog under a tree a few days before and boom! You have a nice dirty hole of alcohol goodness to supply you for the day.
  • Sit in a park with a $5 bottle of wine and laugh at all the passers by and how sneaky you are for drinking in public.
  • Once I put alcohol in a Maccas cup and went to the Ivy (some Lame fancy nightclub). Spent five dollars the whole night. Boom!

  
You learn that noodles are life

 

Who needs to go out when you have board games

Screw nightclubs when you can sit at home in your onesie and ply board games. Or cards. There’s so many of them to choose from!

  
Pets provide constant and free amusement

Once I watched my guinea pigs eat grass for two hours and never got bored.

  

What are some of the things you do to live up the pleb life?