Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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ART WANK

I’ve always been of the somewhat opinion that contemporary art is a bunch of massive wank.  My appreciation always halted at Lichtenstein, or sometimes Warhol, but after that it’s always rather pissed me off than anything else.  Compared to the actual skill and talent of the classics, I have been all WTF is with painting a canvas black (I can do that), smack a $20,000 price tag on it and call it art because the art resides in what is not on the canvas. Piss off.

Anyway, this is all up until I visited MONA and ermagherd some artworks actually made me feel shit.  Quite a surprise. If you haven’t been, you totally need to go to Tasmania and check this out!  It’s pretty much a museum of art that’s the private collection of this gambling guru, so there’s a mix of old awesome stuff and weird ass contemporary shit (like literally a shit machine. Literally. It eats and poops. Art.)

So after my visit, there’s a few artists that I have been obsessing about since then.  I couldn’t be bothered to provide my review cos that’s not what I’m writing about.  If you like creepy Silent Hillesque shit, check out Patricia Piccinini or Berlinde De Bruyckere.  I’ve always been a bit of a morbid unicorn, there’s just a certain beauty in the seemingly twisted and grotesque artworks. I’m loving it.

One particular artist I’m obsessing about and have had epiphanies (well, not really, but felt something something) about life and all that kinda crap is Andres Serrano.  He’s a famous and hectic controversial photographer, where he’s used a lot of bodily fluids in photos (think Metallica Load and Reload album covers! That’s his blood and spooge!), as well as taken photos of the Klu Klux Klan and homeless people.  “Controversial”, but again there’s just a different perspective and beauty to his art where for the first time I actually appreciate a photographer, where most I’ve met are super duper wankers.

I’m not so much interested in all that work mentioned above, but he did a project called The Morgue Series (Cause of Death).  Pretty much he had access to a morgue and took photos of some dead people.  But seriously, it’s not as crass or horrible as it first sounds.  I’m not going to post any of the pictures here because everyone has difference experiences and thoughts and feelings on death, but I saw one of these photos at Mona and it just made me feel…..not numb. Even for a moment.

Click here if you want to see Blood Transfusion Resulting in AIDS by Andres Serrano, the picture that has made me think and feel and shit.  I’ve never really been scared of death, I’ve always felt a somewhat peaceful release associated with it, and this picture, as well as the others, still manages to capture the soul and life of going to the other side…

SO! Here’s where the lamebo part comes in.  I went to a friend’s party on the weekend and an old mate, who used to be legit cool and nice and down to earth back in school days, but now is a massive wanker photographer (who mainly takes hipster wedding photos and glamour shots of his girlfriend) sits down to have a chat.  He starts the usual mundane “what’s been happening, what you doing etc” conversation, but me being adverse to that boring bullcrap small talk, bring up Andres Serrano.

“OMG ArtWank, you know Andres Serrano right?  He’s super famous, if you haven’t you really need to check his shit out as a photographer.  He takes photos of spooge and dead people, but man there’s a strange magic to what he does.  Look him up!”

He googles the name, sees the picture of Piss Christ, looks at me weird, and then totally does the “uhh… I have to go over here now”.

What. A. Wanker.  Like, okay so you don’t have to like it, but I always feel that, particularly in the art world, you should always be open and perhaps know your art?  Know your competition?  Be aware of other modes of creation, instead of living in your own bubble of what you do?  And moreover, screw you for being a wanker!  You used to be cool with my inherent strange conversations but now you’re just allergic to fun.

I’ve gotten used to weirding people out with my morbid obscurity, but seriously. Open your mind.

ON an unrelated matter, totally re-discovering The Smiths.  Where were they when I was a hopelessly melancholic teenager? (Who am I trying to kid saying was lol only change is I’ve got more wrinkles and saggy tits now…)

Nonsense Unicorn over and out

 

 

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Facebook Politics

I have a strange relationship with Facebook. On one hand I hate it and the stupid shit people say and do on there as keyboard warriors- but on the other hand it is just so entertaining when I don’t want to think about stuff and things.

So yes I am on there, but I’m also trying to get my friend list down to under a hundred (up to 160 at the moment). Because I don’t want acquaintances and people that I don’t like or who don’t actually see me or like me being on there.

I also have bouts of impulse when I get pissed off I just delete people off my Facebook. Like the boys family for example. I’m not the biggest fan of his siblings – they’re generally the kind to have their noses in the air looking down on people beneath them which isn’t my cup of tea.

So the boy pissed me off the other night and in a drunken stupor I deleted all of his family off my Facebook. Because alcohol makes everything more dramatic, right? His sister noticed I deleted her and commented about my impulsiveness to the boy who is now upset that I have done so.

Yeah okay so I kinda sorta see how it could be seen as making a comment about my feelings on them and “causing drama” and whatever. But seriously, it’s Facebook. Get over it. They don’t talk to me other than at family gatherings, so why should they even care? What, the superficial friend tag on a website is more important than real human interaction? 

If they actually cared about being “connected” to me, then send me a fucking text or phone call or give any sign that you give a shit other than the forced niceties due to our mutual interest in the boy.

No? Don’t want to do that? Well I don’t want to either, so what’s the Big deal about the Facebook thing?

Boy sees it as me continually making a definitive line between me vs his family, which I can’t help but do. They are not my family, I have my family. They are his family and I’m glad to have it that way. Which is hypocritical, as my family treats him as one of their own…. But that’s because we are way cooler! Lol…. But it’s also because my family actually make an effort to welcome him, where as his family looks down on me as a pleb which he denies but is so the truth.

Anyway.

Seriously, Facebook politics.


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What constitutes a date?

There seems to be this awkward grey area when:
A) you’re not exclusive with someone or are single
B) start talking to people on a non-dating website
and
C) want to meet the person you’ve been talking to.

If it was a dating website then yes, fair enough, you go on a date. But if you’ve started communicating through social media (Facebook/Fetlife/LinkedIn/Instagram/Twitter), it’s not entirely obvious.

Is it a date? Are you just friends? Are you thinking you’re just friends and they think it’s a date? I’ve noticed that no one is blunt about it. And I’m probably adding to the confusion because I’m not blunt either..
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In my defense though, I’m not actively seeking anyone and I like meeting interesting and fun people. So yes, it could eventuate to play or dating but how do I know before I meet the person?! We might just hit it off as friends and keep it at that. Friends just ‘hang out’ don’t they?

And it’s not just online interactions that have me stumped, no no, it happens in the good ol real world too. A workmate today was talking about a restaurant that sounded awesome. I said “oh wow, I want to go there!” and he responded with “we should go!”. Insert awkward pause. I’m thinking ‘did he just insinuate he wanted to take me on a date there?!’

I assume he was thinking one of these options;
1. ‘Oh god, that sounded whheeeeyyyy too much like I wanted to take her on a date..’
2. ‘Yes! Totally asked her out and it sounded so casual. Damn I’m smooth.’
3. ‘Did I just miss something there? She’s not responding and looking at me strangely.’

Maybe “we” meant ‘you, me and a bunch of other people’?

Ugh. Humans are so confusing. Wise folk out there please enlighten me – what constitutes a date? Dinner at a fancy restaurant for a first ‘meeting’ is most likely a date, but activities like having a coffee or having a couple of drinks could be a friend ‘hangout’ OR a date. Can you have a date with a friend??

Rambling Goat


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I wiggled my butt to a male stripper.

If you haven’t checked out Jake Butler’s blog True Confessions of a Male Stripper, then get out from under your rock and get over there!

I was lucky enough to get a ‘hi’ from Jake on Fetlife, convinced him to blog his hilarious and shocking stories and we have been in close contact ever since. A few days ago I got to meet him for the first time..

He had picked a discreet table at the back of a bar in Sydney in case our conversation turned kinky (of course it was going to!). I also didn’t (and still don’t) have his number, was going to meet him alone and had no phone battery. There was potential that I was going to be stabbed but honestly I was kind of ok with that. My life is pretty shit at the moment so being stabbed didn’t sound *that* bad. It would be an interesting day either way – I’m either going to be losing liquid or consuming liquid (blood/beer). But also, we talk everyday and my intuition said he was awesome.

My intuition was right 😀 And liquid (this time urine) actually became a major issue.. More on that later LOL.

So I was late (what’s new), hadn’t eaten and needed to charge my phone pretty bad. He just sat there calmly with the beer he’d bought for me and listened to my nonsense (which included showing him a glass jar with a felt heart in it). He grinned and said I’m exactly like he thought I would be.

Well good! I hope.. Sidenote: I don’t just carry round that heart everyday hoping I can show it to new people, it was my bday present for NU. True story. We’re big fans of the show Oddities so I did a cute version. If you have no idea what I’m talking about – it’s cool bro, I’m moving on with the story!

I got him to search around the table for a power point to charge my phone. He totally did because even though he’s super professional looking and sounding, he wanted to help this insane girl.

I’m not too sure how much to give away as he has to keep his anonymity but to the ladies who are interested, let me rave on about how lovely he is! I’m also going to rub it in that I got to meet him (ner ner!) – I’m not one of those cool bloggers that somehow manages to meet people with crazy awesome jobs. My latest claim to fame was a guy who wanted me to trample him. I never did get around to doing that (he’s got a bit of a serial killer vibe, so it’s probably best I don’t)..

I also never hang with men in suits – I have a bit of an ‘us’ vs ‘them’ mentality which needs to be remedied.. Do clean men like dirty girls? Dirty as in actual dirt – I’m a tradeswoman, not some unhygienic crazy cat lady hoarder (although this could very well be me in the future..).

Anyway, Jake was very nice on the eyes, ears (he’s got an accent tehee!) and brain. He could be nice on the nose but I didn’t exactly sniff the guy to check – act normal RG, act normal! 😛
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We had a couple of drinks, I scoffed down some fries and then fetlife was mentioned. Hmmm.. We needed to choose a fake name for it in case people were listening so at the same time I said “banana”, he said “cucumber”. Wow, awkward phallus moment. It all went downhill (in a good way) from there. Apparently I swirled my chip in circles in the aioli when ‘threesomes’ came up in conversation. We possibly needed another fruit to cover that convo up but I forgot anyone was around me, I was too busy picturing threesomes 😉

At some point I wiggled my butt to him which again was another one of those ‘not sure why I did that but I did, so deal with it’ moments. I realised my jeans actually made my butt look heaps flat (thanks you stupid wall of mirrors) so to the untrained eye it probably just looked like I was standing there. Again, Jake wasn’t phased by my insanity, he just grinned and drank his drink. In hindsight, I probably should have asked to see his version. OMG jake – can you twerk? 😀

Well our time was up and ever the gentleman, he escorted me to the train station. Enter my liquid problem.

Again, hindsight, why didn’t I pee before I left?? Now I was sitting on a rocking train with a pint and schooner worth of beer in my bladder. I’ve got a bladder of steel normally but maybe the fries were pushing on my bladder? I sent him a text laughing about my dilemma (not literally or I totally would have wet myself). I was rocking like someone with a mental disorder but thankfully only one woman (sitting next to me) could see.

Apparently at this moment, I also felt the need to msg my bf:
Going to piss myself on the train

Pretty straightforward. No need to beat around the bush. Then I got out at Central station as I had to change trains and legged it to the toilets. Don’t worry, I again updated bf:
Update toI let St central closed
Going to other ones fooouuurrrrccckkk

It sounds pretty drunk but thats ‘about to piss myself’ mixed with ‘tipsy’ and thankyou, yes, it was an achievement to also multitask into that scenario ‘msging a running commentary to bf’.

I did get a msg back in case you’re wondering. It said ‘Ok’. For the record, ‘Ok’ msgs shit me but I completely understand there’s nothing else you could possibly say in this situation. So, fair enough.

Well I didn’t end up pissing myself (Huzzah!). I was over trains by this point though and running pretty late, so I got a taxi. I made it to my next destination, caught up with friends, drank more, hung out with a family member and then of course this story is going to end strangely – I made my bf’s brother choke me (“it’s relaxing!”) while we were cuddled up and sleeping on the train trip home. He didn’t seem phased and just wrapped his arm around my neck like a tight, murderous hug. Thanks bro!

I’m just going to go ahead and say that I’ve got some caring, patient, accepting and super awesome friends and I feel pretty lucky in that respect. Friends are totally underrated 🙂

Rambling Goat


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Our Top 5 Stalkers

WordPress told me to thank you so I will indeed – thankyou to the following glorious lovelies, please have my babies ❤

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Interesting tidbit;
2 of these people I will hang out in Vegas with this year
1 I will potentially see at Burning Man
1 is a definite at Burning Man (well 2 actually if you want to start talking crossovers)
And the last is a sexy minx that I am now questioning why there isn’t a Vegas/BM meet up planned :/

Feel like playing a game with my top 5? Guess who is who 😉 If you get them all right I’ll give you an imaginary crown with #6 written on it. In HUGE DIAMONDS! Imaginary of course 😀

Rambling Goat


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Reverse Psychology

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I swear, reverse psychology is working overtime in my life. Its an odd occurrence but we’re all guilty of it at times. If a sign says ‘don’t look here’ and an arrow, chances are, you’re going to look.

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My latest experiences with reverse psychology have been completely unintentional though. The following are some day to day examples of the mysterious ‘reverse psychology’ working in all its glory in my life:

*FWBs. 1. I tell guys I’m not interested in a relationship at the moment, I’m just after fun. They agree, then a couple of months in, tell me they’re falling for me.
2. I tell a fwb that I won’t be offended if he meets a nice girl and wants to stop our little arrangement to date her and settle down ‘I would totally understand, its no problem.’ He says that *if* he meets anyone, he likes the idea of polyamory so would be fine to keep our arrangement going *and* date her.

*Polyamory. For guys that I’m currently dating, I say that I’m ok with them being with someone else (sex and/or dating). They tell me I’m enough for them and turn down all sexual (and otherwise) advances from others.

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*Cuck. I tell them it makes me a little frisky to hear what they’ve done with other women. They tell me the sex was rubbish and they ‘definitely won’t be hooking back up with her again!’.

*Naughty photos. 1. I tell a fwb that he can show my cheeky photos to his friends if he wants. What do I care, I figure he’d do it anyway. He says no, his friends are idiots and he’d rather not be disrespectful. He sends me photos of his ‘idiot’ friends instead.
2. I tell my ex-cum-bf the same thing; show my pics if he wants, I don’t care. He says something along the lines of ‘I’m not one of those guys. And anyway, they’re all your good friends too now. It could be awkward. Plus there’s my brothers in the mix too..’
I respond with the attitude of ‘Ok don’t worry about it then.’ He now shows them constantly. I get msgs from my guy friends and brother-in-laws saying ‘just saw a slideshow, nice work’, ‘two thumbs up’ or I send a cheeky pic to the bf and he responds with ‘the boys liked that one’.

Side note on that: You might be thinking its a bit odd that they’ve all seen my cheeky pics but there’s legitimately not an ounce of sexual tension in the air.
One of the brothers has seen me naked (I was skinny dipping in his pool with a bunch of his girl friends).
Another has seen one of my tits (he banged on the window one night, I opened the curtain and my towel fell down.. His response was “Nice boob! Now pass me a lighter”).
Add to that the fact that I cuddle up to them on the couch, nap next to them on a bed and one I went on a holiday to Japan with (just the 2 of us and we got matching tats).

As it turns out, guys and girls can be friends without wanting to have sex. Just like girls and girls, and guys and guys.

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Why do people disagree with that? I’m living proof. NU and I have seen each other naked but don’t jump on each other. Friends are friends. I help the boys pick outfits for parties, wax the few hairs they get between their eyebrows and give them high 5’s on the sly when they walk out in the morning with a girl carrying high heels and a mop of sex hair. I’d do those things for NU too (especially the girl one! :O hahahaha), and even if she sent me a cheeky lingerie pic, I still wouldn’t want to jump on her. She’s totally friendzoned haha!

For the record, there’s no sexual tension from my end with these lovely boys either. I’m just super affectionate with guys for some reason. They know I’m not interested. If I jump on one of the boys in the morning and he says ‘umm RG, kind of an awkward time – I’ve got a boner’ then I exit the room asap (giggling) hahaha.

Well in true RG fashion, I got a bit off topic there. Well maybe not.. I’m being loving and affectionate but getting friendship only. Reverse psychology? Or is it not completely reverse because I only want friendship too?  It’s too late at night to properly work that one out!

I guess my conclusion to all of this is that life is continuously surprising. Just when you think you’ve got it sorted out in your mind, someone goes ahead and does the exact opposite. Sometimes it works out better than you imagined, sometimes worse. But if everything worked out exactly like we wanted/expected it to, life would be boring. Perfect, but boring. I like to think that these twist and turns makes life interesting.

Rambling Goat