Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Why do we get drunk?

Yes, obviously I’m hungover because no functioning person would ask that question.

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I am unable to get out of bed without at least 20 mins of self-convincing, I dont want to conversate with peeps and for some reason having popcorn for breakfast seemed like an epic idea. I’m laying in bed with all my sheets scrunched into a mess, have a half eaten bag of popcorn stinking my room up and now after the realisation that my popcorn was past its use by date, I’m wondering if I’ve sped up my rate of dying.

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I’ve also just had to leap up out of bed because dd got home and I remembered I’d left my vomit-covered shoes in the bathroom. Apparently he knew about them already – he took them off my feet last night when I tried to sleep in them. He also told me that I’m selfish among other things and I cried.

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There’s no awesomely hilarious tale of my drunken night, all I did was hang out at a Japanese restaurant with the GPOV’S. After I left them, I then proceeded to have a terrible drunk adventure of getting on a train, getting off, finding a toilet, spewing, getting on a new train etc. One station I didn’t even make it to the toilet and spewed in a busy train station corridor. My 10 min journey home took 2 hours.

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So now all I can do is smirk at photos of animals who look hungover because these guys seemingly understand my pain right now;

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Hey life, I want to know why our brain thinks it’s a great idea to keep feeding itself alcohol. Why can’t it see when it’s had enough and just stop? With me, there’s no possible reason to keep going – I say the same things and pretty much do the same stuff while sober. I could have sat there sober and had the same amount of fun so why do I keep drinking and drinking? Ugh. It’s so fucked. I need to go back to my 4 drink limit instead of loudly deciding half a beer in that “I’m gonna get DRUNK tonight!”

To all the hungover peeps out there who are laying in a foetal position and looking for something to amuse their lifeless bodies, I hear ya. Enjoy;

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Rambling Goat

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I’m an asshole

Reading Jonny’s blog about people assuming he’s a skinhead made me think about the way that people superficially judge others and reminded me of an interaction that happened to me recently.

To preface, I am somewhat a “girly girl” – you know, flowers, dresses and makeup and all that pink stuff.

So with that, I can already imagine the boxes that people would put me in just by looking at me. They think they’ve got you all figured out with one look at your cleavage.

Exhibit A: the other week I was out at a hens party, waiting at the bar for my round of drinks when I am approached by a slightly older dude. It goes like this…

Dude: you look like a lovely young lady. I assume someone like you is happy married…
NU: unfortunately you are sorely mistaken.
Dude: ha no, I think you’re lovely! What’s your name?
NU: nah mate, sorry to fool you but I’m actually a pretty big dick.
Dude: haha what do you mean?!
NU: you know, I’m an asshole. A big one. May this be a lesson in judging book covers my friend.
*walks away with my drinks*
  

Yep, I am one big asshole. My floral headband, velour lips and a line dress would say otherwise though. And so too many times men are fooled by my attire into thinking I’m some meek dainty thing.

  

 Let’s bake cookies for the boys!

Nope. Wrong. I. Am. A. Dick. And I ain’t got no time for your games.

Moral of the story: you know what I’m gonna say ūüėĀ
Nonsense unicorn 


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Getting drunk over DD

I’m feeling pretty shite right now. I’m laying in a foetal position and am hungover on a Wednesday. Luckily, I’m unemployed right now so I can stay in bed yayyy.
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So I guess I should update you guys.

Living arrangements
I moved back in with bf and his family and it’s been crazy. There’s 7 people living here and another 6 that visit regularly (weekdays/nights). The bf’s siblings have even more over on weekends. So basically I don’t have privacy and everything smells like weed and cigarettes (not from me, but apparently last night I contributed “booze smell”).

The only quiet time I have is mornings before the oldies start wandering around and talking painting with me. The boys start arriving home after lunch and then it’s busy until I pass out while they’re all in my room watching TV.

Work
Like I said, I’m not working. I wanted a break from the craziness that was house renovations 7 days a week. The more that people ask when I’m getting a job, the less I want to apply for one. The pressure is creating the opposite effect.

But on a plus side, different members of the household have asked me to do things and have paid me for it, so I’ve been painting for the past week for cash. I have plenty more painting to go and a car to wash, so I feel no real desire to look for jobs yet. Mehhhhh to that.

Love/sex life
Ugh.
Well bf and I are fine relationship wise. He shares a joint with the boys most nights which is not a lot in the scheme of things, but it’s enough to affect his abilities in the sack. On the plus side, it’s giving me an opportunity to do more – I really truly suck on top, so I’m getting some good practice in ūüėÄ But still, one of the times it felt like I was humping a lifeless sex doll.
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Combine that with the fact that he works a long day, goes to the gym everyday, cooks some nights and then there’s people in our ‘mancave’ bedroom till 9-10 pm most nights and hey presto, my massive libido is actually dying. SO different from my last post.

Apparently there’s some thing called ‘bub night’ that I can ask for where I get private time with bf for the night. They’ve only just informed me and I’ve been back for over a week. Sooo we’re having a bub night tonight. And we’re going to move into a rental place once we save up for the bond YAYYY PRIVACY!!

Why I am hungover
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Bf’s brother just got a job at the same company as DD so he got home from work and told me he saw him. I decided right then and there I needed to get drunk. Wasted in fact. Bf doesn’t like me talking to DD so I’ve stopped communication with him. I miss him ūüė¶ I still have very fond memories and strong feelings for him but I have to keep it to myself, it’s a fucking huge Lamebo.

Very strong Bacardi and cokes were my rainbows for the night, but this morning I realise it didn’t solve the problem. The only two things that can truly eliminate this Lamebo is:
a) breaking up with bf (which would just create another Lamebo because I love the shit out of him) or
b) time. He said it himself last night “I veto’d dd but in the future I most likely will un-veto him”.

When I was drunk and the boys were stoned, we spoke about DD and it even came out that bf went on a date. Instead of us all discussing poly in a mature fashion (ha!), bf took some backward steps into the safe monogamous zone and then claimed that I made him go on the date. I didn’t know her, I’ve never spoken to her and I didn’t organise any of it! Yes I wanted him to explore meeting up with and possibly dating other women but I never *made* him do anything.

Mehhhh. I just hope in the future that poly is accepted as normal so people don’t have a fear of judgement.

I’m really disappointed that bf couldn’t just say ‘yeah I had a date, there were no sparks. I tried to meet up with her another time for play but she stuffed me around with availability so I got over it real quick and moved on’. That’s the truth. If they were all openminded, I’m sure he would have been more open and less accusatory and it could have been an open discussion rather than a RG is so cray-cray moment. Oh well, fuck it, I am always myself openly and honestly. I’m good at being me, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else ūüôā Judge me and watch me not give a shit.

I know the boys love me and it’s not that they were mean to me but the closed minded “you’re supposed to only be with one person” comments just made bf slink away into his safe zone. I’m happy that they know a bit more of our story (albeit a skewed version) but trying to explain why is wayyyy too much effort.

Nek minut, I’m eating maccas and drunk texting nonsense to people (sorry Jake!) Hahaha. I then passed out and dreamt of DD awww ‚̧

So here I lay friends, another hungover morning in this weirdass place called life.
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Rambling Goat

Ps. I’m soooo reheating lasagne for breakfast ūüėÄ


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Merry Happy and Drunken Whatevers

I hope you all had a lovely Xmas and New Years ūüėÄ Its basically law to get wasted and eat too much so I’ve got no hard feelings toward myself and neither should you.

I feel terrible for not being on here so much over the break but apparently I’m on my tablet too much.. Booo! But don’t worry I’m back now ūüėČ

I suppose you’ll want a summary of whatever debauchery I can legitimately remember and I’m happy to accommodate. This is mainly because I’m in the backseat of my parents car for a 5 hour trip, have watched all the episodes of archer I have on my tablet and am sitting next to 2 small dogs, one (or both) of which stink of anus. I unfortunately know the smell of anal glands quite well after visiting the vet a few months ago and watching him “empty” them for my dog.

In other ‘why this trip home sucks’ news, I busted my dad taking a photo of me sleeping next to these stanky dogs (pretty sure my mouth was open too) but instead of face palming and wondering if that will end up on Facebook, I’ll do this post.

Here’s a handy tip: do not remove your headphones while on a road trip with your folks. It sounds cruel but last time I did there was a lengthy convo on weather. Noooot in the mood for senior cit convos.. I need my chill time. And wtf because they don’t even play music or have the radio on, it’s just silence?! *twitching*

You’re probably at this point wondering why I’m not perusing Facebook or looking at peoples meals on Instagram but apart from the fact that I dislike social media and people knowing my shit (ironic no?), I’m also a massive cheapskate aka poorer than a homeless person. My bank balance is -$70 and (thankfully) I do prepaid credit so I have no credit in my phone. No internet to amuse myself with till I get home to wifi ūüė¶

Ok ok enough rambling, here’s what went down during the christmas break:
*I met up with Sharn, JohnnyID, bestie NU and the petplay guy from fetlife. Bf came too (NU’s wanted to come but was feeling sick), so we hung out, drank, ate, laughed our heads off and had a ball. No vomiting in a gutter thankfully! I was planning on doing an interview but with non-bloggers hanging with us I figured it would be weird. That and I’m lazy. Will catch up again next year! Can’t wait ūüėÄ

*That same night I stayed in an old pub which looked haunted.

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I had a lotttt of orgasms and then woke up to the sight of a children’s plastic cricket bat jammed in the fireplace. I asked bf if we found that while drunk the night before and he said no, he hadn’t noticed it there and if he did, he would have spanked me with it! Haha! Teach a man to fish…
But yeah, pretty much assumed it was a ghost manoeuvre. Which suddenly seemed awkward due to all the sexy times the ghost may have watched (yeah I can’t even be a exhibitionist to a ghost! LOL).
Here’s a pic of the stairway to our room complete with creepy olden day photos, paintings and a deer head..

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And the cricket bat..

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*I spent Xmas eve at bf’s dad’s place wearing a onesie. Not a long warm one in the shape of a dinosaur, it was a cotton playsuit one covered in little lemons. Bf picked it out and I thought I looked a bit frumpy like this:

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But actually it was a hit. Until a 21 year old female family friend turned up in a black see-through onesie.. Cue cigars, beers and perving with the boys ‚̧

*Christmas was pretty good, there was a big water fight with supersoakers, water bombs and eventually buckets of cold water, swimming, alcohol, tons of food etc.

I told bf all I wanted for Xmas was to speak to dd normally again. For a quick recap, dd is an older man that means a lot to me and although I'm poly, bf is struggling with the idea of me dating another man. Baby steps. Anyway he had us only having 'friend' convos which was doing my head in so now he's agreed to let me talk normally to him again ūüėÄ so excited! Best present evvvooorrr. First msg I sent to dd after telling him the good news:
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*After chrissy we spent close to a week with my family out bush (farmland area) where there was more drinking, eating and visiting a couple of gardens (it’s what gardeners do on holidays ok? ūüėõ ).

*For NYE I had planned on just sleeping but was guilted into going out. One of bfs friends is super egotistical and his gf never talks so a dinner with them? Mehhhhh I just didn’t want to go. But another guy friend came with us so I figured it wouldn’t be so bad.. I warned bf and the nice friend that I was going to be wasted. They were cool with it. So I got drunk as shit ūüôā Apparently I was lovely and the couple didn’t seem as bad (or was this because I was drunk?). I vaguely remember ending up at some bowling club for dinner that was full of old guys and closed at 9pm – egotistical guy hadn’t organised dinner on the beach like he’d originally told us.

We ended up back at his house where I proceeded to tell the nice friend that I’d “heard through the blogs that Plenty of Fish was full of weirdos and Ok Cupid wasn’t entirely bad”. Oh and to also try fetlife. Apparently he said his sister put him on a dating site and he was actually complaining about it, so i’m not sure that my *helpful* suggestions were helpful. Bf freaked out when I mentioned fetlife and the boys all conveniently left where we were sitting and hung out in the kitchen. Drunken care factor = 0. Pretty much the same as my sober care factor.

I spent the next god knows how long talking to the girl about their upcoming wedding of which I’m not invited to (and don’t want to be invited to). Bf is their best man and I’m still not keen on going. There’s a lot of blanks in that conversation, so it seems I feigned interest without using up precious memory space, good job drunken self! We got home before midnight and I passed out. Missed the fireworks and fully don’t care. I woke up to a fly landing on my lip and I was cuddling a bottle of water. No vomit = a success in my eyes.

*My parents got me and bf kayaks for xmas so we got some kayaking in too. We ended up selling our music festival tickets and going kayaking instead. So much fun ūüėÄ Bf’s going to attach a box on the back of his for fishing gear (they have holes for rods). Your old mate RG is going to attach an esky with beers in it ūüėČ LOL I sound like the biggest alchy but I swear I don’t drink all the time! The holidays and special events are my drunken time ūüôā

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Well luckily this didn't happen! Fuck that shit :O

*Last night although I was drinking and hanging out in the pool again, I also got stoned. For the record, I don’t like weed. If I have too much, it gives me schizophrenic symptoms. So cool if you love it and it makes you feel lovely, but I’m one of the ones that hallucinates shit like a cartoon Bambi laying on the side of the road while completely sober weeks later. Thanks brain, you fuckwit. But in the interest of cool shit, THERE’S FLAVOURED PAPERS! So yes, I had a banana flavoured doobie. And no, it did not taste like banana. Just like my chocolate cigars didn’t taste like chocolate (stick with vanilla!)
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This chic I semi have a crush on was there, swimming in the pool and joking about spanking and choking after bf’s brother hugged her from behind (thus choking her) and slapped my arse (and if you know archers quotes I responded with “you got another one in ya?”). Hehehehehheh yes, so she’s a kinky one. Aaaand I would have flirted more with her but I’ve got my rags. To be completely blunt, I think most of it got pumped out of there a few days ago but after the banana joint I was in no state to maul a giney anyway. Next time ūüôā

So its all over and I’m back home now. What have I missed?? ūüėÄ

Rambling Goat


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A Priest Came On My Face

……okay so he wasn’t really a priest. ¬†But he could be?! ¬†And when I was thinking of the story that follows, ¬†I couldn’t help but LOL at that thought…

Let me regale you a tale of one of my first obsessions: ¬†the¬†Watermelon. ¬†We first met when we were somewhere between 14 and 16 (my younger existence is a blur to me) ¬†thanks to RG’s talking to randoms online. ¬†(Ah msn and ICQ, ¬†what would our teenhoods be without you?) ¬†Anyway, ¬†I recall being quite mesmerised by the tall, blonde, friendly guy from the start. ¬†We would talk online about games, music and philosophy (I always wondered if he was philosophical or unnecessarily convoluted – either way it was entertaining). ¬†When we got our driver’s licence we would all drive out and hang in the car pack of Krispy Kremes (cos that’s the cool thing to do, ¬†right?) ¬†In a nutshell, ¬†a small group of us from one side of the tracks became good friends with a small group of dudes from the west.

¬† Wondering why we call him the¬†watermelon? ¬†Well, ¬†he is a bit on the religious side (if you didn’t gather from the title) and as such we are pretty damn convinced that he still holds his V card. ¬†You know the term, ¬†“pop your cherry?” ¬†Well, ¬†a virgin cherry that stays stagnant for so long slowly grows bigger into a watermelon. ¬†Boom.

Years went by, ¬†there was a period of time where we both had partners so of course I never fathomed anything to ever happen when I was with someone else. ¬†But he was always this¬†enigma¬†at the back of my mind. ¬†You know, ¬†kinda like that “one that got away” or some crap like that? ¬†Blah blah anyway, ¬†around the age of 21 we both coincidentally became single around the same time and ended up at a friends party (which was a freakin awesome party in a barn, ¬†drinking scorpion tequila and hot spa and dancing and awesomeness in a can).

The First Encounter

The party was quite a while away from where I lived and I had to work in the morning. ¬†I should have gone home with some friends who were driving, ¬†but drunk NU thought it would be totally legit to keep partying on and catch a train to work in the morning (when you’re that age and alcohol fueled you can justify anything). ¬†We partied on until we began to tire and a group of about 5 of us (including watermelon) chilled out in our friends room. ¬†I slumped on the couch next to Watermelon and he reached his arm around my shoulder and nuzzled me into his chest – cue possible heart attack! ¬†I think our friend was onto something, ¬†called it a night and told Watermelon and I to take the mattress on the floor and the rest will sleep on the couch or his bed (all in the same room, mind you).

So everyone went to sleep. ¬†We rested our heads upon the pillow, ¬†Watermelon ¬†quietly pulls me towards him and kisses me. ¬†I remember thinking¬†OMFG I can’t believe this is happening. ¬†We kiss for a millennia, ¬†he fumbles with my boobs and fumbles more down below while I graze upon his shaft through our clothes. ¬†Yep, ¬†we kissed and fumbled for hours.

He was definitely a fumbly Joe, ¬†but you know how sometimes you’re just so into someone that you kinda don’t really mind that they’re not that bad cos you’re totally fulfilling a long-baked fantasy and don’t wanna ruin it?

Anyway, ¬†that’s all that happened and I left hungover as shit at 6am in the morning and went to work hours away. ¬†We never really spoke about that night, ¬†it was like it never happened when we would meet again to hang out or at parties.

The Night I Should Have Sexed Him

I think it was my 23rd birthday party – ¬†girls in corsets and bounds of alcoholic goodness to be had. ¬†The party goes on into the night and Watermelon’s friends are ready to leave. ¬†However, ¬†he decides to stay back (even though he lived quite far away and it wasn’t easy to get there without a car from my place). ¬†I said “yeah that’s cool, ¬†I’ll drive you home in the morning!” being the suck up that I can be to this enigmatic boy that made my loins and heart tingle.

(Although I’m way over it now, ¬†the next part remains one of the “Top Sexy Moments” to date)

The party slows down, ¬†people disperse, ¬†and its only me and Watermelon on the dancefloor bopping around like idiots (oh and another friend that kinda liked me in the kitchen talking to my mum – I feel bad about that but it’s a different story). ¬†Then Nights in White Satin comes on the juke box. ¬†Watermelon slinks closer to me, ¬†puts his hand on my waist and the other in my hand and begins to slowly waltz with me. ¬†Now, ¬†I’m generally not a romantic soppy person, ¬†but one guilty lame¬†fantasy I always dream of is for a man to slow dance with me. ¬†And he did. ¬†Then, ¬†like in some stupid movie, ¬†leans in and¬†kisses me passionately. ¬†I was all WTF! ¬†(It must have been the blood red corset, perhaps?) ¬†My insides were a flutter, ¬†it felt so silly and surreal and awesome. ¬†Sleep time arose, ¬†and I showed him to my room.

He popped into my bed and I told him to hide his face while I sneakily changed into my pyjamas (more like silky nighie, ¬†cos that’s totes casual and what I always wear, right?!) ¬†Apologising for my single bed, ¬†I slink in next to him. ¬†Blah blah, ¬†of course he puts his¬†arms around me and continues to kiss me. ¬†His hands slowly slip under the sleeve of my nightie, pulling them down until my breasts pop out and his mouth moves to their attention. ¬†This was getting pretty sweet, ¬†so I moved my hands down to slip off his underwear to reveal a hard¬†banana dick. YEP. ¬†It completely bent up almost to his belly button! ¬†I’d never seen one like that before, ¬†it was so amusing and interesting!

Hands and mouths all over the place, ¬†after trying to build up the guts I finally whisper in his ear something along the lines of “I want you inside me”. ¬†(Is that what you’re meant to say? Ah who knows, I’ve never been good at this sexy stuff).

I remember him hesitating for a moment and then asking with an esteemed groan, “…do you have protection?”

OF COURSE I DIDN’T MOTHER FLIPPIN’ DIPPIN FUCK. No….. ¬†so we continued to fumble away, ¬†I took his banana in my mouth and I recall him in a panic “fuck I’m going to cum!” and landing half in my mouth and half in my eyeball.

Sweet.

And that was that, ¬†we slept, ¬†I took him home the next morning and it was as though nothing had really happened… ¬†I think I must have totally freaked him out or something, ¬†because now the watermelon is becoming a priest. ¬†I guess that’s a tale to tell – the time I almost took the virginity of a priest?! ¬†Even though he technically isn’t one yet anyway something something….

I’m completely over the Enigma that is the Watermelon now – moved on and accepted a long time ago that it’s just¬†one of those weird connecty people things that happens in life. ¬†But still, ¬†I can’t help but continue to wonder if the watermelon will ever be juiced….I was so close! ¬†If only my powers of persuasion were better formed at that time…..

Moral of the Story:

– ¬†don’t be put off my an unachievable goal, ¬†always do your best, ¬†even if you only get half way!

Рalways have protection on ya,  cos you never know what kind of watermelon can pop up next!

Nonsense Unicorn


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The Hangover Cure

If there’s anything that epitomises the definition of insanity, ¬†it’s the hangover. ¬†(You know, ¬†repeating the same thing and expecting a different result each time? ¬†In this case, ¬†that thing is delicious alcohol).

We have all at one point (or every weekend) muttered the words, “I’m never drinking again”. ¬†But do we ever stop? ¬†Nope! ¬†So if we are going to perpetually kill our brain cells, ¬†then we thought we would provide some tried and tested cures for dealing with the hangover!

Greasy Greasy Food

  • Macca’s nuggets and frozen coke win every time

When you have to get out of bed

  • Need to get somewhere but are hungover as f%^&? ¬†Just keep a plastic bag in the car! ¬†Sneaky vom and off you go.
  • If you’re travelling on a train, ¬†make sure to choose one with a toilet. ¬†Or sit in a corner on the bottom level, everyone knows the bottom level is basically a toilet anyway.
  • Need to show your face in public? ¬†Wear and oversized hoodie, ¬†not only will you look inconspicuously great, ¬†but it will keep you nice and warm for those come down shivers.

LAY IN THE HAY BY THE BAY (or in a park)

  • You’ll look like a homeless bum but those homeless bums are onto something! ¬†Fresh air is great. ¬†And a bonus, ¬†if you for vom then just do it on the grass and move to a new spot – no clean up required! (Just don’t roll into it…eww…)
  • If you can’t make it to the park, ¬†just lay on the floor and groan. ¬†It’s therapeutic and helps the hangover be exorcised from your body.

SLEEP

  • Preferably until 4pm

HYDRATE YO’SELF

  • Get onto those nutrient filled electrolyte goodness of gatorade or powerade. ¬†But it’s only really good if you pre-buy it. ¬†As if you’re going to go up to the shops when you’re half dead. ¬†Or if you do, ¬†refer to the hoodie solution.

DRINK MORE ALCOHOL

  • “Hair of the dog” ¬†they call it. ¬†I’m not sure why but that dog knows what’s what. ¬†1-2 drinks will sort it out.

TELEVISION SOOTHES THE SOUL

  • Obviously gaming requires more effort than watching a movie or junk the the Real Housewives of who-the-fuck-cares, but if you choose a tame game like car racing, ¬†its a good enough distraction for your brain to stop making you want to hurl.

 

And that should keep you alive for a bit!

 

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn enterprises
(Yeah cos we’re hectic like that. ¬†Boom).


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So apparently I’m 17 again..

That dreaded 10 year high school reunion we’ve been mentioning has now been and gone. And of course your trusty Rambling Goat was going to make it eventful..

I guess some background info for my school is that it was pretty superficial. It’s not necessarily a rich area, but it’s in a secluded (of their own choice) region and most people love the area so much that they never leave. I went to a Catholic school, and although some were religious, I think most people chose this school because it was private as opposed to a public school. My family isn’t religious in the slightest.

The girls weren’t exactly bitchy but fashionably speaking, I didn’t match. They wore dresses on casual clothes days (we wore a uniform normally), had long hair, wore makeup, drank girly drinks and loved Mariah Carey. I used to wear baggy Jean shorts with a chain, a white singlet, didn’t have a clue about makeup and listened to Blink 182 and Linkin Park. FYI, I did go through a very brief dress and heel phase when I turned 18 and started going to bars, and can still pull it off, but its not my thing.

The girls in school were all giving themselves x amount of years to find a husband, and would talk about how good it would be to find a rich man. I was a bright coloured jeans and converse type girl with a ciggy hangin out my mouth and snorting speed off the back of a toilet cistern (at work, not school). So needless to say, I wasn’t exactly in the same mind frame. I had guy friends, would get no sleep, would go raving, would sleep in religion class, get detention etc etc.

So the reunion, where do I start.. Ok well I ran late for predrinks. Which I blame mostly on the sugar daddy sending me into subspace right before I was meant to leave, but I’m also going to blame it on traffic too.

The predrinks went well, I’d even got into convos about how slutty an ex-friend now is and listened to a thin girl tell me she needs to lose weight without too much twitching. Now for the minor detail which would make the night interesting – we were drinking champagne. I’d normally drink beer but the champers was there and free. Aaaand I didn’t drink beers because they wanted my help drinking the champagne.

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We got to the bar and after passing ‘popular’ girls done up with makeup, fancy clothes and screaming (to which I responded “oh my god”), Nonsense Unicorn and I hastily made our way to the toilets. Yes, we went to school together if you didn’t know ūüôā In the toilets this blonde bimbo poked her head in and did the kind of ‘hello’ that screamed ‘I don’t give a shit about you losers’. In this moment I knew the night was going to suck balls.

I was wearing no makeup, just had my hair out (and probably still had sex hair) and was wearing burgundy jeans, some awesome sneakers I got in Germany, a singlet and biker jacket. For someone who doesn’t give a fuck, I was starting to give a fuck.. Or maybe its better described as ‘whyyyy the fuck am I here again?!’. I’ve done nothing in 10 years, I smell like sex (from a sugar daddy no less), I probably look like an old hag thanks to no makeup and the strange lighting, but hey, gotta suck it up and do the walk of no shame through the crowd of superficial tools.

I got to see a bunch of nerdier girl friends from school who are lovely, and to be honest I hid there with them as long as I could. During this time, somehow rounds had started with the predrinks girls and I was drinking vodka-and-some-nonsense with a straw. All I wanted was beer but I figured I’d just go along with it – adding a third type of drink in the mix would end badly. Probably with vomit.

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I spotted a guy friend, then everything after that is hazy and/or missing from my memory. I remember seeing a best friend I had during high school, a bunch of people talking about getting married, engaged and/or having kids, some girl talking to me for 10 mins before I worked out who she was, smoking with one of the naughty boys from school (I haven’t smoked in years! WTF!), getting kicked out of the bar, then waking up at NU’s place. I was half naked on a blowup bed on the floor with dirt in the bed.

So what happened? Well apparently, the best friend from school bought me a bunch of drinks (still vodka), as did the guy friend, and then I was spotted doing shots with the naughty boy (I refuse to do shots at all now because they make me vomit so again, WTF?). Then after getting kicked out of the bar and NU yelling obscenities to the bouncer (aren’t friends the best? ūüėÄ ), we went to the train station where once again in my life, cops saw me plastered. We went to the park where I vommed into the bushes, then got a taxi where I vommed out the door, and got back to NU’s house where I fell out on the ground and rolled around in the dirt under a tree in the pouring rain.

So… I guess that went well?

What lesson did I learn? That although I’ve basically done nothing in 10 years and not only looked and smelled of sex and vomit on a night when I probably should have put more effort in, I still have no shame. Apparently this classy bitch is still young so I’m going to bloody well act like it (whether I like it or not..).

Rambling Goat