Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Loves of my Life

I reckon we experience a lot of different loves in our lifetimes, as we fumble through on the eternal search for that one sparkly human that lights up your world.

I thought I would share a couple of the stories of the loves I have experienced in my 29 years of being.

The Star Crossed Love

I was 16 years old (cue Benny Mardones here) and on a family holiday overseas to the mother land to meet family. Days spent hanging out on a farm, one of my cousins mates was interested in me and a love bloomed.


It was kinda disgusting how text book it was – it first started when he asked me to go to a town dance where we waltzed together and later kissed under the moonlight.

Followed by 6 weeks of moonlight picnics and day trips to town eating 6 ice creams just to prolong the time we were spending together.

He spoke broken English and my understanding of the language was crappy, but somehow we connected and made it work.

Unfortunately due to the problem of me living a million miles away, we were torn apart at the end of the holiday, looking out the back window in tears as I saw the love of my life slowly fade in to the distance. We wrote love letters for a while but that slowly faded away.

My parents went over there not long ago. He is married with a kid now, but apparently when he gets drunk he still talks about me. 

The First Real Boyfriend

The cherry was my first real relationship. You know, proper dating and waiting a month to screw.

It lasted about 2.5 years but probably 1.5 years too long. I was in love, but I guess it was one of those things where you are more in love with being in a relationship than actually having a real deep connection.

I was hurt when it ended, but in retrospect it was more of an ego bruising than heartbreak.

The One that got away


I was so in love with the Watermelon for a very long time. Read the hyperlink for the whole story, but he was always that guy that (maybe I totally imagined it) like there was some kind of magnet there, but for some reason just never went anywhere. It was never meant to be, but I pined for so long.

We hooked up twice (no sex) which still stand as some of the sexiest moments I’ve had, as well as some of the most romantic (Nights in White Satin will always remind me of him).

I stepped away from our friendship to distance myself, and now he’s on his way to becoming a priest, so that probably says a lot about the situation.

Although I’ve been over it for a very long time, I still can’t help but wonder if there was anything there for him too. I guess I will never know.

The Lie


I spent a good three years of my life begging a fool to love me. It was through this experience that I actually learnt what real love is and that the right person will go the hard yards with you and that you are worth it.

Dumb mother fucker professed his love for me when I stopped seeing him when I met the Boy. Too little too late doy.

The Real Deal


And that brings me to The Boy today. Almost five years of up and down, and heck who knows if this is a forever deal, but at least I know that we have gone through a lot of waves and still something keeps us connected.

We have respect for each other, we get each other, we fight for each other. That’s pretty sweet for now.
And there’s the loves of my life. What’s yours?

Nonsense unicorn 

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The One where I popped the cherry

(This one also counts as the co worker hehe.)

I found love among the shelves of a discount store. We worked together, and you know how it goes – you flirt and become work mates and blah blah boom you’re in a relationship!

This is probably the only textbook relationship I have ever had – meaning we didn’t fuck before we made it official. Quite contrary, it was maybe the 3rd date that we even kissed for the first time.

We had both freshly finished school. We regailed tales of schoolies. Sex came up. I told him I had slept with 2 people and we had he slept with 3 girls in two nights while away at schoolies (I though woah I got a player on my hands).

A month into it we finally did the sexy time hanging off the rafters of his bunk bed. Naawwww. And that opened a flood gate of awesomeness where I had my first orgasm ever.

(Have I mentioned I never masturbated until I was about 23? Yeah so orgasm was definitely something for the first time).

One night maybe 6 months into it we were drunkenly walking back to his place where he started crying.

Wtf.

“I’ve lyed to you. You’re the only one”.

What?

“You’re the first person I’ve had sex with. I lyed about those 3 girls because I didn’t want you to think I was lame.”


Because I’m the kind of person to judge for that kind of thing? Pfft.

So I unknowingly popped his cherry. Which is annoying because it would have been way cooler if I knew.

It lasted for 2.3 years, probably a year too long. But it wasn’t all bad, at least I can say that I’ve screwed at work hehehehe.

Nonsense unicorn


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A Unicorn’s Guide to Dating

For some reason my reader on WordPress is full of hapless tales of dating by men and women.  Totally not a problem, although there seems to be quite a pattern of “rules and regulations” you are apparently meant to follow in the dating world which I think is quite ridiculous (and obviously not working for a lot of people).

So, as someone who has been in many a relationship (current one 4.5 years) and never actually been on a date myself – I think I’m totes the right authority here to give you all some advice on how to go about this dating bizzo!

So throw out all your The Game and He’s Just Not That Into You bibles and guides and check out my Unicorn Guide to Dating.

What to Wear

Spending hours standing outside your wardrobe trying to concieve the right outfit to wear on your date?  Do they like heels, is my skirt too short?  Should I wear a tshirt?  Well, here is a well hidden secret that fashion designers will hate you for…..wear whatever the damn hell YOU want.  That is all.  Wear a dang potato sack or onesie if that makes you comfortable.

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But NU, what if they judge me for my potato sack?

Tell them to swallow a rusty whisk and GTFO.  Do you want to be with someone who is going to fob you off for what you wear?  Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, be you!  This coming from someone who has picked people up when dressed as a dog, transvestite and a onesie.

When you should call/ text/ email

There seems to be a strict formula out there, where you should divide the time you spent together on the date and multiply that by 543 then square root to the power of 4 to get the exact time and date of when you should contact them again.  Wrong by 4.34 of a decimal? BOOM they’re gonna hate you forever!

My homies, just message when you want to talk to them.  Next day, next week, whatever.  If someone is gonna be all “ermagherd he texted me like 32 hours after our date, what a needy beedy” then stuff them!

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Disclaimer:  just don’t be a total stalker messaging fifty billion times every second before they respond to you, that is a little much…

When should the P go into the V (or P into A, or V into V… whatevs)

My current boy pretty much is a one night stand that wouldn’t go away, and now we’re totally happy and crazy living together with fur babies and shenanigans.  Actually, pretty much all my relationships (bar one as a youngun 18 year old, we waited like 3 weeks…) have been clingy one night standers. Sooooo I reckon when your pringle gets the tingle then your privates gotta mingle!

 

If they think you’re a hoe or man-whore after that, then they’re not worth your time.  The right person will know you’re worth sticking around for!

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And I think that’s enough advice for now, or you all are gonna be getting married and loved up left right and centre!  Maybe more to come when I could be bothered – I am a unicorn after all and have pretty important sparkle parties to attend to.

 

Nonsense Unicorn


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How to find a Boyfriend

Some people make out that being single is worse than being a leper in a bubble bath.  I get that being in a relationship has its perks, havin that “partner in crime” to share stuff with –  but I feel that people forget that being a single  lone ninja has just as many perks!

So,  here are a few thoughts for those of you out there who just can’t be happy with your single self!

There’s more to you than being someone’s partner

Don’t define yourself by someone else – you are an individual and should cherish the fact.  Besides,  would you want to be with someone who just obsesses about your relationship?  No,  I’m sure you would rather be with someone who is an awesomely entertaining individual who you love being around,  not a pubic lice that exists merely to be attached to you.

So,  stop being that obsessive person who “isn’t whole until you have a partner” – make yourself whole and then a partner in the future would just be a bonus!

Stop obsessing over your ex

If you’re still talking about your ex,  what they’re doing,  how much of a jerk they are, stalking their facebook and having secret fantasies of them crawling back to you – you shouldn’t be looking for another person to complicate your already confused mind.

Give yourself time to get over your ex – go eat some ice cream,  get hella drunk and be angry at the world – whatever floats your boat.  A rebound isn’t going to fix your problems.

Besides,  it’s not a particularly attractive trait to someone else if all you can talk about is “how bad your ex treated you”.  People smell the desperation – do don’t go out on the game until that ex is out of your system.

It happens when you’re not looking for it

That sounds so horrendously cliche,  does it not?  But you know what,  I think a lot of cliches have truths in them and that’s why everybody knows it – they just don’t practice what they know to be true.

I think this is totally how it goes, because when you’re not desperately sniffing out for some poon/wang, that’s when you surrender to being yourself.  Confident,  because you’re not trying to impress anyone,  you’re just having a good time.

And confidence is sexy and attractive.

Dang,  I have found my best hook ups and relationships on the nights when I went out just to have a good time,  not thinking ONCE about trying to meet someone.  Gosh,  one night I was dressed up as a dog and managed to pick up – why? Cos I was just running around like an idiot having a good time,  and that guy saw the fun person I can be.

Patience is a virtue,  friends.  If you try and rush everything,  you end up with gross, runny half-baked pancakes and ain’t nobody wanna eat that!

You reek of desperation

People are much more receptive than you give them credit for.  Do you ever get the vibe from a friend or family member when they’re upset or sad,  and they haven’t even said anything to you about it?  It’s because humans have this weird way of being able to sense emotions and feelings from other people.

So,  other people can totally sense when you’re there salivating at the prospect of meeting your future husband.  It’s a repellant.  Just have a good time!

 

There are so many awesome things about being single anyway!

  • Food is so much cheaper cos you only have to cook for one. Boom!
  • You can sit at home in your onesie eating KFC while playing GTA without feeling self conscious.
  • You save a lot of money due to the fact you can shave your legs quarterly.
  • You have way more time to do the things you want to do, like hobbies and all that kinda stuff.

And a heap of other stuff that I couldn’t be bothered to write about it and now have to go out to dinner so something something embrace your singleness!  You’re an individual – start that relationship with yourself!

 

Nonsense Unicorn