Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


A Priest Came On My Face

……okay so he wasn’t really a priest.  But he could be?!  And when I was thinking of the story that follows,  I couldn’t help but LOL at that thought…

Let me regale you a tale of one of my first obsessions:  the Watermelon.  We first met when we were somewhere between 14 and 16 (my younger existence is a blur to me)  thanks to RG’s talking to randoms online.  (Ah msn and ICQ,  what would our teenhoods be without you?)  Anyway,  I recall being quite mesmerised by the tall, blonde, friendly guy from the start.  We would talk online about games, music and philosophy (I always wondered if he was philosophical or unnecessarily convoluted – either way it was entertaining).  When we got our driver’s licence we would all drive out and hang in the car pack of Krispy Kremes (cos that’s the cool thing to do,  right?)  In a nutshell,  a small group of us from one side of the tracks became good friends with a small group of dudes from the west.

  Wondering why we call him the watermelon?  Well,  he is a bit on the religious side (if you didn’t gather from the title) and as such we are pretty damn convinced that he still holds his V card.  You know the term,  “pop your cherry?”  Well,  a virgin cherry that stays stagnant for so long slowly grows bigger into a watermelon.  Boom.

Years went by,  there was a period of time where we both had partners so of course I never fathomed anything to ever happen when I was with someone else.  But he was always this enigma at the back of my mind.  You know,  kinda like that “one that got away” or some crap like that?  Blah blah anyway,  around the age of 21 we both coincidentally became single around the same time and ended up at a friends party (which was a freakin awesome party in a barn,  drinking scorpion tequila and hot spa and dancing and awesomeness in a can).

The First Encounter

The party was quite a while away from where I lived and I had to work in the morning.  I should have gone home with some friends who were driving,  but drunk NU thought it would be totally legit to keep partying on and catch a train to work in the morning (when you’re that age and alcohol fueled you can justify anything).  We partied on until we began to tire and a group of about 5 of us (including watermelon) chilled out in our friends room.  I slumped on the couch next to Watermelon and he reached his arm around my shoulder and nuzzled me into his chest – cue possible heart attack!  I think our friend was onto something,  called it a night and told Watermelon and I to take the mattress on the floor and the rest will sleep on the couch or his bed (all in the same room, mind you).

So everyone went to sleep.  We rested our heads upon the pillow,  Watermelon  quietly pulls me towards him and kisses me.  I remember thinking OMFG I can’t believe this is happening.  We kiss for a millennia,  he fumbles with my boobs and fumbles more down below while I graze upon his shaft through our clothes.  Yep,  we kissed and fumbled for hours.

He was definitely a fumbly Joe,  but you know how sometimes you’re just so into someone that you kinda don’t really mind that they’re not that bad cos you’re totally fulfilling a long-baked fantasy and don’t wanna ruin it?

Anyway,  that’s all that happened and I left hungover as shit at 6am in the morning and went to work hours away.  We never really spoke about that night,  it was like it never happened when we would meet again to hang out or at parties.

The Night I Should Have Sexed Him

I think it was my 23rd birthday party –  girls in corsets and bounds of alcoholic goodness to be had.  The party goes on into the night and Watermelon’s friends are ready to leave.  However,  he decides to stay back (even though he lived quite far away and it wasn’t easy to get there without a car from my place).  I said “yeah that’s cool,  I’ll drive you home in the morning!” being the suck up that I can be to this enigmatic boy that made my loins and heart tingle.

(Although I’m way over it now,  the next part remains one of the “Top Sexy Moments” to date)

The party slows down,  people disperse,  and its only me and Watermelon on the dancefloor bopping around like idiots (oh and another friend that kinda liked me in the kitchen talking to my mum – I feel bad about that but it’s a different story).  Then Nights in White Satin comes on the juke box.  Watermelon slinks closer to me,  puts his hand on my waist and the other in my hand and begins to slowly waltz with me.  Now,  I’m generally not a romantic soppy person,  but one guilty lame fantasy I always dream of is for a man to slow dance with me.  And he did.  Then,  like in some stupid movie,  leans in and kisses me passionately.  I was all WTF!  (It must have been the blood red corset, perhaps?)  My insides were a flutter,  it felt so silly and surreal and awesome.  Sleep time arose,  and I showed him to my room.

He popped into my bed and I told him to hide his face while I sneakily changed into my pyjamas (more like silky nighie,  cos that’s totes casual and what I always wear, right?!)  Apologising for my single bed,  I slink in next to him.  Blah blah,  of course he puts his arms around me and continues to kiss me.  His hands slowly slip under the sleeve of my nightie, pulling them down until my breasts pop out and his mouth moves to their attention.  This was getting pretty sweet,  so I moved my hands down to slip off his underwear to reveal a hard banana dick. YEP.  It completely bent up almost to his belly button!  I’d never seen one like that before,  it was so amusing and interesting!

Hands and mouths all over the place,  after trying to build up the guts I finally whisper in his ear something along the lines of “I want you inside me”.  (Is that what you’re meant to say? Ah who knows, I’ve never been good at this sexy stuff).

I remember him hesitating for a moment and then asking with an esteemed groan, “…do you have protection?”

OF COURSE I DIDN’T MOTHER FLIPPIN’ DIPPIN FUCK. No…..  so we continued to fumble away,  I took his banana in my mouth and I recall him in a panic “fuck I’m going to cum!” and landing half in my mouth and half in my eyeball.


And that was that,  we slept,  I took him home the next morning and it was as though nothing had really happened…  I think I must have totally freaked him out or something,  because now the watermelon is becoming a priest.  I guess that’s a tale to tell – the time I almost took the virginity of a priest?!  Even though he technically isn’t one yet anyway something something….

I’m completely over the Enigma that is the Watermelon now – moved on and accepted a long time ago that it’s just one of those weird connecty people things that happens in life.  But still,  I can’t help but continue to wonder if the watermelon will ever be juiced….I was so close!  If only my powers of persuasion were better formed at that time…..

Moral of the Story:

–  don’t be put off my an unachievable goal,  always do your best,  even if you only get half way!

– always have protection on ya,  cos you never know what kind of watermelon can pop up next!

Nonsense Unicorn