Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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The Micro Sailor

I totally forgot about my conquest count! Not that it’s that riveting anyway, but here is a short tale about a short tail… Pun intended….

The Micro Sailor

I guess it’s cool that I can tick fucking a sailor off the Sucket list, but as usual it was a drunken awkward encounter.

Sailor boi was a friend of a friend, and one drunken evening with RG and others I somehow got pushed along to go back to his place. From what I remember he was pretty alright so I was all yeah why not. Fuck it.

So we go back to his place and starts doing stuff and things, and ermagherd his slug was… Well, the size of a slug.


Now let me say that I have never ever been the kind of girl to care about peen size because for one, guys can’t help what size they have, and I always assumed you can still have a good time so who cares right?!

But in this case, it was so awkward cos as he as flailing on top of me I seriously didn’t know if it was in yet, and I didn’t know if he thought it was in or not but I just kinda went with it…


It was really awkward…. On the plus side at least I could pretend to be good at deep throat cos he didn’t set off my gag reflex…

The next morning I walk of shamed to a taxi home that cost me $150 cos the ass took a long ass route home. It’s a bit sad that I remember that fact and not the sailors name, huh?

Conquest count: 7


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The one that scarred me

There is only one time in my life that I have been the instigator for a sexual encounter. One time. Every other time has been guys pestering or wooing me and me conceding to their wiles.

This one time that I did the talking ended very badly for my self esteem.

I don’t really even want to think about it, so I’m just going to give a brief break down of what went down.


RG and I were out partying with the westie group of friends. We were both being cheeky and messaging one of the boys joking about having a threesome. He was already screwing another one of the girls, but he was intrigued.

The conversation turned to just me and him texting and with some persuasion I asked him back to our room for … You know…

So I drunkenly go back to the hotel room and wait for him. He arrives, chewing gum like a cow. It was a weird silent kind of awkward, as we were mates but not that close, and there wasn’t really any attraction.

So we tried to get it on a bit – I don’t even know if he finished or what, it was all a bit of “wtf are we doing…” And yeah blah he left. Fucking awkward and weird.

And then RG and some of the other boys come back and we make a bunk tent and pass out.

Then the next day while I’m at home on the couch hungover as fuck I get a text message from the dude.

It said something  along the lines of

Hey bro

Yeah I went back and fucked her. She is disgusting I felt so dirty afterwards I had to have 10 showers.

I remember my heart feeling like it stopped when I read that. I knew that it was awkward, but to read that I was disgusting?! Plus the old “oh sorry that wasn’t meant for you” message that followed.


I replied something back to the likes of “wow, yeah that was a mistake and crap and shouldn’t have done it, but thanks for making me feel like a piece of shit now”. I should have said that his tiny thin dick wasn’t worth my time either, but I’m not as mean as him.

After that I avoided him like the plague for a good few years. At social gatherings I ignored him and pretended he wasn’t there.

A couple of years later at a wizard party he cornered me And apologised for the whole deal. I accepted, told him it was a pretty shitty line to take, that I didn’t enjoy it after but his unkind words really fucked my self esteem up for a long time (yeah take that guilt trip you asshole).

Even though he apologised, we still floated away as friends.

Thinking about that still makes my heart ache. I can deal with the usual rejection due to me being a crazy bitch, but I still can’t shake the view that I am disgusting.

And I still haven’t initiated anything with anyone since then.
Conquest count: 6

Nonsense unicorn


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The ins and outs of public toilet shenanigans

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Whoever first decided to have sexy times in a public toilet cubicle is a sicko. Or maybe they were just super desperate to get their rocks off. Either way, they’ve paved the way and made the idea of sucking dick while poo particles are floating around not seem weird at all.

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The actual reality can vary though because lets be honest, we’re way more awkward and unlucky than the movies make out. To explain the possibilities of what is awesome and what is oh-so-bad, let me describe to you my last two experiences.

*The good time
My play partner and I had a plan – Carry out a BJ (and some face fucking) in a public toilet. He had scoped out a bathroom and afterwards I was shocked because it all went perfect. There was:

1. A fancy looking bathroom.
TAKE NOTE – Nice tiles and new amenities are way better than a room full of spiderwebs and cracked tiles. Thankfully this bathroom had a very renovated feel about it.

2. Cleanliness.
The cleaner walked out right before we went in, talk about perfect timing!

3. That feeling of naughtiness.
He went in a few mins before me and gave me strict instructions to press a green button to enter the bathroom itself, then knock 2 times on the cubicle door. The naughtiest part was that it was a toilet in a ‘parents room’, so we had to be super quiet in case anyone came in with kids. I definitely don’t want to cause any angst to parents or want kids to have any idea! Thankfully the place stayed empty and trying to keep quiet made it extra sexy.

4. Success.
God I love this man’s spooge and believe me, there’s buckets of it. His delicious icing landed on my face, in my mouth, on my hand, on the sink behind me and on my bag on the floor. He made me stare at myself in the mirror and I’m that in love with his cock and cum that I still remember how amazing it looked all over my face. *Happy sigh*. Definitely should have got a photo though!

(For those of you who are thinking ‘eeew penises and cum is grot’, don’t worry its normal, I feel like that sometimes too.)

*The bad time
Riding on the high of the previous experience, we decided to try it again. Being that the bathroom was in a food court of an office building and this was during a weekday, we figured it was probably just a time where there are no parents around. WRONG. Here’s what went wrong:

1. The bathroom being in use.
Yep, he went in to suss it out and there was a random kid chillin’ in a playpen. The dad was hanging a shit so we didn’t even want to wait around until he left. Stank = not sexy.

The unisex bathroom next to it was also in use. I saw a lady go in and 5 mins later she was still hanging out in there. I sussed it out when she left and IMMEDIATELY exited. Yep, another shit.

The backup public toilets in a building nearby was also in use, as was the unisex toilet in the third location. At this point I was laughing at the lack of luck we were having.

2. Female toilets are for female stuff.
I checked out the female toilets in this obscure public toilet block and there were only 3 cubicles, all free. I got him to come in and after some convincing (and checking of cameras), he came into the cubicle. I closed the door, locked it and OMFG a woman entered the bathroom.

What ensued was a hilarious Mexican stand off. He didn’t want to leave so while he perched himself on the seat, I rustled my bag hanging on the door and sniffed occasionally to let her know I was in for the long haul (we females have a weird toilet etiquette). Apparently she was in for the long haul too (after a very loud racehorse piss) and after an overuse of the sniffing technique and some tapping on her phone, I realised we had a crier rather than a shitter. After some weird hand signals which possibly made no sense, we got out of there and tried the unisex toilet again. Empty and not smelly! 😀

3. Is the door secure?
Apparently ours wasn’t. I was on my knees busy turning a slug into a sword and a youngish guy opened the door. Ummm… LOL. He goes “oh god, I’m so sorry! I didn’t see anything!” and hastily left the scene. We got the hell out of there too.

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The moral of the story here is public toilet shenanigans are very prone to failure. There’s so many variables to rattle your horny cage but if you can see the humour in it (and end up without an indecent exposure charge) then go for it. Hehe 😉

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Rambling Goat


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My first rebound: I faked it and he could tell

A group of four of us girls headed off to the Gold Coast for a few days away. Freshly heart broken, I was happy to get away with some close friends. 

I wasn’t looking to hook up with anyone because these weren’t the kind of friends you do that with. 

We arrive and head out for a night of drinks and fun. We end up at a cowboy style bar for some drinks. It wasn’t very packed, so we just had fun dancing like idiots on the dance floor.

This super hot blond tall guy comes up to the group and starts talking particularly to me. Now I’ve never been a flirty person or particularly prithee to the attention of the male kind. So when he asked if he could buy me a drink I was all “pfft why would you want to do that? For me?!” But he was insistent and I conceded and went with it.

I recall being quite surprised that this super hot dude was interested in fumbly awkward me of all people. One of my other friends (who is no longer a friend due to her narcissistic peacockery) was annoyed that he wasn’t dazzled by her charms – why me? And I wasn’t even looking! I guess it’s like the old saying “it happens when you least expect it”…


So he asks me back to his place and I tell my friends I’m sorry but I’m gonna bail and go with this guy because I have low self esteem and need to do this after my break up. And off we went.

He takes me back to his place and the jiggy gets going. He starts going down on me…. And it feels like sand paper. He goes at it for a while, and I lie there moaning thinking “uhh I’m so not going to come, but young me doesn’t know how to get him to stop”…. So I decide to fake it with some louder moans and mmm yeah that was awesome.

He was sad.

“You didn’t come”.


And I was all (shit) “oh no I totally did that was great. We should fuck now”.

And so we did, and his room mate comes home and crashes in the bed next to him and we silently keep going at it and then fall asleep spooning.

The next morning instead of kicking me to the curb he actually walked me 20 minutes along the beach back to my hotel. What a gentleman.

That’s probably the sweetest walk of shame I’ve ever done.

And I’ve never faked an orgasm since.

Nonsense unicorn

Conquest count so far: 5


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It was so bad I pretended to cry

Things get a little chronologically blurry after the cherry and I broke up, so I’ll just tell the stories as I remember.

I don’t even know if this is technically counted, but it’s too hilarious to think about.

As any young broken hearted girl does after a break up, I was out at a local club drinking and dancing my sorrows away. There was a group of people from school and another outer circle from another school who I wasn’t particularly fond with, but whatever my friends were friends with them.

It started with this mutual friend who looked like an emu face raping me on the dance floor. Awkward and timid me just took it because I sucked (and still do) at saying get off me ya loser.


He then offered to drive me home and I agreed because stuff paying for a cab!

(Yes older and slightly wiser me now realises duh sober guy taking advantage of drunk girl isn’t going to end well…)

We get in his car and he keeps making out with me, then starts taking my clothes off. I was drunk and apathetic and thought … Meh yeah okay meh.

Unfortunately I should have know be from his sloppy kissing that this was going to be shit. He was the kind that thought ramming his fingers inside me for 5 seconds and then trying to shove his thin dick in me is how it works. My body wasn’t having it and the lack of skill or damn common sense about the female anatomy snapped me out of wanting to continue.

So I pretended to cry and said I’m so sorry but in still in love with my ex I can’t do this blah blah and that got me out of it.  He drove me home.


So I don’t know if it’s counted for just the tip for a few seconds (I don’t count it), but it’s funny because he went around telling everyone that he fucked me. I enjoyed telling them the truth

Nonsense unicorn


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The One where I popped the cherry

(This one also counts as the co worker hehe.)

I found love among the shelves of a discount store. We worked together, and you know how it goes – you flirt and become work mates and blah blah boom you’re in a relationship!

This is probably the only textbook relationship I have ever had – meaning we didn’t fuck before we made it official. Quite contrary, it was maybe the 3rd date that we even kissed for the first time.

We had both freshly finished school. We regailed tales of schoolies. Sex came up. I told him I had slept with 2 people and we had he slept with 3 girls in two nights while away at schoolies (I though woah I got a player on my hands).

A month into it we finally did the sexy time hanging off the rafters of his bunk bed. Naawwww. And that opened a flood gate of awesomeness where I had my first orgasm ever.

(Have I mentioned I never masturbated until I was about 23? Yeah so orgasm was definitely something for the first time).

One night maybe 6 months into it we were drunkenly walking back to his place where he started crying.

Wtf.

“I’ve lyed to you. You’re the only one”.

What?

“You’re the first person I’ve had sex with. I lyed about those 3 girls because I didn’t want you to think I was lame.”


Because I’m the kind of person to judge for that kind of thing? Pfft.

So I unknowingly popped his cherry. Which is annoying because it would have been way cooler if I knew.

It lasted for 2.3 years, probably a year too long. But it wasn’t all bad, at least I can say that I’ve screwed at work hehehehe.

Nonsense unicorn


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The one on the boat

The second score happened 10 days after my virginity was ripped from my hot little hands. Once that first awkward time happened, I now knew the deal.

To celebrate finishing school, about 2000 (or however many people fit on a cruise) 17 and 18 year olds disembarked on the schoolies cruise to let off some steam. And get drunk. Woo!


Soon enough some toolies introduced themselves to us (ie that’s older people like 21 who go on these cruises with 17/18 year olds). We befriended them, and long story short I ended up talking and making out with a really hot one.
It started out kinda romantic, kissing at the bow of the boat As the sun rose on the sparkling ocean.  Naaaaw. 

But then he took me back to his cabin and the awkwardness ensued.

I can’t remember the actual sex much, but I do remember him pushing my head down to give him a blow job. I’d never done one before and I truly couldn’t get myself to stick his dick in my mouth. He insisted for a while as we played head bopping resistance.


Pfft I ain’t giving up my skittles…

It’s funny thinking about it, that I had no prob with a relative stranger sticking his dick in me, but a blow job was a too big deal.

I won and soon after did the walk of shame back to my room. But I suppose on a cruise like that I wasn’t the only one. Didn’t help I was still dressed as a cowboy from the night before.

A couple of nights later I saw him talking to some other girl at the bow. Young me was sad that this didn’t somehow turn into some romantic fling, but a couple of drinks later I got over it.

Nonsense unicorn