Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Things that go bump in the night

I’ve come to the conclusion that as soon as lights go out, shit gets weird.

The other night I woke up to the feeling of something touching my eye. In my sleepy state, I rubbed my eye, felt a small round hard object and then immediately freaked out and threw it across the room. What was it? A beetle. A beetle was sitting on my eyelid, sucking my eye juices while I slept. I had a dry eye all day after that.

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Maybe I should do this to keep them away..

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Or THIS.

This isn’t the first time weird bug-related shit has happened in the night. One time I went to the bathroom during the night and while washing my hands, noticed my toothbrush was different. Lordy, lordy me, there was a huge cockroach straddling the bristles. I think it was drinking the water left on it from me cleaning my teeth earlier.

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FYI I now have a travel cover which goes over the head and keeps bugs off. Which is maybe why they’re thirsty enough to drink my eye juices instead.. Gah!

Another great night I woke up to a huge cockroach chillin out right next to my face. And I’ve also had a huntsman spider the width of my wrist crawl on my face.

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But bugs aren’t the only oddities I encounter during the night. No, there’s no ghost tales here, basically I am my own worst enemy while half asleep. I’ve had nights where I’ve rolled off the edge of the bed, farted myself awake (I do that a LOT these days) and in some weird possessed manner, do strange things with my hands during the night (idle hands eeeek).

The guys at work still laugh at one particular story because I was so tired the next day that I had to take a day off work. My bad.

I had just moved in with DD and had my own bedroom. During the night I had to go to the bathroom and when I got back to my room, closed the door and heard a funny sound in the door knob. I went to open it but it wouldnt open. Apparently this door knob locks if you turn it a certain way but I didnt know this, especially at midnight in the pitch black. I wrestled with the ‘broken’ handle trying to undo it until success – half an hour later. Of course I considered ringing dd during this time but I didn’t want to wake him.

I got into bed relieved and got back to sleep. I then woke up a few hours later having just had a dream about heart attacks. I could randomly smell popcorn through the house. I wondered if this was like my version of burnt toast (apparently some people smell burnt toast before having a heart attack) and then layed in bed freaking out and not being able to sleep, waiting for my heart attack to happen. It didn’t, and this all seems so silly now but everything is so much more of a big issue through the night.

So I ask you, what weird/silly things have happened to you in the night??

Rambling Goat


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The ins and outs of public toilet shenanigans

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Whoever first decided to have sexy times in a public toilet cubicle is a sicko. Or maybe they were just super desperate to get their rocks off. Either way, they’ve paved the way and made the idea of sucking dick while poo particles are floating around not seem weird at all.

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The actual reality can vary though because lets be honest, we’re way more awkward and unlucky than the movies make out. To explain the possibilities of what is awesome and what is oh-so-bad, let me describe to you my last two experiences.

*The good time
My play partner and I had a plan – Carry out a BJ (and some face fucking) in a public toilet. He had scoped out a bathroom and afterwards I was shocked because it all went perfect. There was:

1. A fancy looking bathroom.
TAKE NOTE – Nice tiles and new amenities are way better than a room full of spiderwebs and cracked tiles. Thankfully this bathroom had a very renovated feel about it.

2. Cleanliness.
The cleaner walked out right before we went in, talk about perfect timing!

3. That feeling of naughtiness.
He went in a few mins before me and gave me strict instructions to press a green button to enter the bathroom itself, then knock 2 times on the cubicle door. The naughtiest part was that it was a toilet in a ‘parents room’, so we had to be super quiet in case anyone came in with kids. I definitely don’t want to cause any angst to parents or want kids to have any idea! Thankfully the place stayed empty and trying to keep quiet made it extra sexy.

4. Success.
God I love this man’s spooge and believe me, there’s buckets of it. His delicious icing landed on my face, in my mouth, on my hand, on the sink behind me and on my bag on the floor. He made me stare at myself in the mirror and I’m that in love with his cock and cum that I still remember how amazing it looked all over my face. *Happy sigh*. Definitely should have got a photo though!

(For those of you who are thinking ‘eeew penises and cum is grot’, don’t worry its normal, I feel like that sometimes too.)

*The bad time
Riding on the high of the previous experience, we decided to try it again. Being that the bathroom was in a food court of an office building and this was during a weekday, we figured it was probably just a time where there are no parents around. WRONG. Here’s what went wrong:

1. The bathroom being in use.
Yep, he went in to suss it out and there was a random kid chillin’ in a playpen. The dad was hanging a shit so we didn’t even want to wait around until he left. Stank = not sexy.

The unisex bathroom next to it was also in use. I saw a lady go in and 5 mins later she was still hanging out in there. I sussed it out when she left and IMMEDIATELY exited. Yep, another shit.

The backup public toilets in a building nearby was also in use, as was the unisex toilet in the third location. At this point I was laughing at the lack of luck we were having.

2. Female toilets are for female stuff.
I checked out the female toilets in this obscure public toilet block and there were only 3 cubicles, all free. I got him to come in and after some convincing (and checking of cameras), he came into the cubicle. I closed the door, locked it and OMFG a woman entered the bathroom.

What ensued was a hilarious Mexican stand off. He didn’t want to leave so while he perched himself on the seat, I rustled my bag hanging on the door and sniffed occasionally to let her know I was in for the long haul (we females have a weird toilet etiquette). Apparently she was in for the long haul too (after a very loud racehorse piss) and after an overuse of the sniffing technique and some tapping on her phone, I realised we had a crier rather than a shitter. After some weird hand signals which possibly made no sense, we got out of there and tried the unisex toilet again. Empty and not smelly! 😀

3. Is the door secure?
Apparently ours wasn’t. I was on my knees busy turning a slug into a sword and a youngish guy opened the door. Ummm… LOL. He goes “oh god, I’m so sorry! I didn’t see anything!” and hastily left the scene. We got the hell out of there too.

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The moral of the story here is public toilet shenanigans are very prone to failure. There’s so many variables to rattle your horny cage but if you can see the humour in it (and end up without an indecent exposure charge) then go for it. Hehe 😉

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Rambling Goat


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I’ve lost my Individuality

We’ve all seen friends go from an individual to an individual with a perfectly suited (or not so perfectly suited) goiter hanging off them. This huge goiter is their new partner and there’s now fat chance you’ll be able to hang with them without their goiter.

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The beebs before his goiter was removed.

Don’t get me wrong, some goiters are awesome. NU’s one is a delightful specimen and there is no difference to me between hanging with her or hanging with them both (I’m a happy third wheel who doesn’t actually ever feel like a third wheel).

My problem is that I have a large growth of my own and it’s giving me grief. I cant do all the things I want to in life – it is holding me back.

As much as I want to get back to my goiter-less life, I have to keep it attached for a bit longer.. Its the ultimate test in patience and is an equally awesome and crappy situation.

Let me ask you a question. What would you do for $20,000? Would you date someone that you know you don’t want to have a LTR with? Would you have a relationship style that is not exactly where you want it? Would you stay home instead of hanging with friends just to keep this person happy? Would you be prepared to lose your independence the moment you step in the door? Have little to no privacy? Have a serious talk about relationship shit every weekend?

Well that’s what I did and am continuing to do.

The thing is, he’s not a bad guy. He’s just not for me. He’s got wonderful traits, is epic in the sack and genuinely cares for me but he’s another tolerant monogamist (with jealousy issues) dating a poly girl. It doesn’t help that this T/M and P/G are now combined into one entity instead of two individuals..

When I first moved in, I told him I’d like to meet a guy from fetlife for a beer and he got the grumps. I once had dinner at the pub with my guy friend (after he helped me pick up my kayak from 1.5 hrs away) and he got the grumps. If I go out for beers or even just TALK about my guy friends, he gets the grumps. If I see my play partner, even just for a beer, he asks how my afternoon was but I can tell he has the grumps. If I get beeps on my phone from msgs while he’s in the room, he gets the grumps.

When he gets the grumps, he doesn’t say anything but I can tell. Its the way someone speaks, their eye movements, the way their body sits. We learn this through experience. But if I question if he’s upset about something? He gets the grumps and tells me I’m reading him wrong and he’s actually happy. He lies straight to my face. Through this, I now know what will make him unhappy/uncomfortable and try to avoid those situations. He’s conditioned me and I’ve knowingly let him. I apparently think his happiness is more important than mine.

And as for the friend who drags their goiter to every event, well that’s not us. He’s older, not interested in hanging with people in their 20’s, is an introvert who doesn’t want to socialise and doesn’t seem to click on a social level with my few friends. It’s a massive red flag for this social butterfly who gets along with most people. I’ve become friends with my dressing gown.

So you’re probably thinking ‘easy solution, just leave him!’ but this is where the 20k comes in. I’m saving up to buy a house. Did I mention I live in sydney with high rents, very tough banks and a median house price in the region of $900,000? While living here with him (rent free) I’ve been able to save $20,000 in about 9 months. I’d try and buy a house now but I’m still a temp at work so the banks won’t look at me for another 2 months. I’ve just applied for a permanent job at work but it’s the longest process ever – a month or so off being fully processed. I could just try and rent but I’m so close to the finish line! I’ve been living this life for 9 months now, so what’s another 2?

I’ve come to the realisation that yes, I’m a user. Living here is cheap, convenient, I have someone who cares for me and I should in theory be happy, but I’m not. I don’t want to live here. I’d be happy to date him in small doses but not full time. I’m doing what I can to help my future but in the process I’m denying myself the opportunity to meet new people who truly get and appreciate me as I am and with all the things I want. I don’t see my friends much (haven’t seen NU in like 3 months!!) and I just feel like a robot, going through the motions.

I honestly just can’t believe the same situation is happening to me again. And yes, both this guy and my ex have different levels of comfort but it’s just little ol’ me trying to make someone else happy and forgetting about myself. AGAIN.

This (and the job stuff) is why I’ve been quiet lately so to end on a good note, I’m going to stay optimistic and say it’ll all work out. Soon I’ll be kicking back in my new house talking shit like normal, ok? 🙂

Rambling Goat


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Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen!

Whoever made this up is a dickhead. Treat us mean and we’ll want to move on because douchebaggery is lame.
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I guess the real quote should be:

Be slightly mysterious and aloof and we’ll want to jump your bones.

But take note – I said SLIGHTLY. Too much in the aloof department and it’ll be a turn off. Who said women were hard to understand? 😛

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Let me give you some examples of hot vs not mystery/aloof attitude from my own life:

1. I started dating this friend of a friend. He was in his early 20’s, had an American accent (I’m Australian, foreign accents are hot), owned a house and had 2 cars. He never spoke about his homeland. HOT. I’ll find out more about him as time goes on.

2. One day like 2 months later, he had an Australian accent. Turns out he put it on to pick me up. Also, his parents bought his house and he was paying them back. He worked for his dad so one of his cars was a work vehicle paid for by the company. Not as hot, I would have preferred honesty but I’ll continue to date you anyway.

3. A guy I started seeing told me he couldn’t holiday in Mexico and didn’t want to talk about why. I said he should actually tell me if it had anything to do with rape, murder or animal cruelty. He said it wasn’t anything like that. Bad boy hey? HOT.

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4. The same guy told me he “invested” money into a friend’s business. Thats literally all the details he gave and didn’t care to talk about it again. He ‘invested’ regularly. He would leave sometimes at 9pm (wearing a hat even though it was dark) to drop off money. Take into consideration the mexico thing and all signs point to drug dealing. NOT HOT.

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5. He later told me he had nothing to do with drugs. His friend bought luxury cars that were a bit run down and did them up and he helped finance it. I never met the friend, saw any cars, saw any photos of the cars or even heard them talk on the phone. NOT HOT. Too mysterious. Please don’t murder me in my sleep.

Yes, people have their own lives and don’t want to give over every detail right at first meeting, this is totally fine.

In fact, having your own life is sexy. Someone who is overly keen and seems to have no real life is [in the beginning anyway] not that sexy.

So to “keep em keen”:
*Don’t be mean – Use nice things about yourself to attract a mate.
*Keep some things to yourself – keep a bit of mystery going. You also don’t want to run out of stories within a month and find you have nothing left to talk about.

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*Don’t answer within .1 of a second of a text coming in – keep a little bit aloof. You have a life remember.
*If your potential partner wants to know more details about something, tell them – if you don’t want to talk about it then you look suss as fuck.

By now you’re probably thinking ‘yeah but RG, the whole ‘keeping them keen’ mentality is in respect to long term relationships, not new ones!’ Well let me put this bluntly – if your long term partner is suddenly mysterious or aloof, they’re either not in love with you anymore or are cheating on you. Or both. Or maybe hes doing some sneaky drug dealing on the side to get some money because hes dying of cancer (Breaking Bad fans are totes feelin’ me here). If your long term partner is legitimately treating you mean, you don’t like it and they continue to do so after talking about it, then that is abuse.

Yes, the other underlying point of mention is in relation to being younger. This quote totally applies to school kids where for example, a boy will pick on a girl if he has a crush on her. But how often does the girl go for the bully? We grow up into adults and learn to turn this into fun banter, none of which I would describe as ‘mean’.

So let’s all give scathing glares to whatever dickhead made this quote up on behalf of all the girls who were treated mean and all the guys who tried it out and we’re hastily knocked back. It’s a load of crap.

Rambling Goat


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Tattoos and Peeing

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Ok I’m going to say this straight up; I’m 28 and I pee’d on the floor. I was legitimately shocked too, I didn’t mean to do it. It wasn’t a drunk blunder like my ex who pissed on the TV in the middle of the night, but rather a sober miscalculation of sorts..

I’m getting a new tattoo which happens to be on the back of my thigh. The first stint was the outline and it hurt like a mofo. I’m learning a lot about anatomy from this like:
*the back of your thigh is tender as f*ck and
*there’s shit in there that makes you twitch. My tattooist said it was like tattooing a jumping castle..

On the way home my leg seized up like a peg leg and then entered a lot of puddles against my will. I get inside and need to pee. Well fiddle-dee-dee, the seat is right where my painful leg would sit. Challenge accepted (mainly because I’m busting). So I manage to do the most awkward sitting position where one butt cheek is on the seat and the peg leg is in the air.

After a terrible nights sleep where I pretty much squashed my tits into flattened pancakes against the mattress, then coming to the conclusion that I can’t actually get any of my work pants on, nor fathom a day of physical work, I encounter my next two problems.

Problem 1: Getting my monthlies. There’s something about period blood and an open wound that screams unhygienic to me. If there are any female pirates with a peg leg and a tampon needing to be used, I understand your mental anguish. Let’s just leave it at that.

Problem 2: Needing to crap. I was half freaking out, half lolling at this little adventure.

Stupidly a day before getting started on the tat, I noticed that I needed to not only wash my hair, but also dye my hair. Did I do it? No.
Enter Problem 3: Dying hair. Hair dye and an open wound are again not feeling like the best match made in heaven but I do it anyway. I’ve got the day off work and I’m getting used to these awkward challenges so what could go wrong? Uhhhh yeah, I’m pretty sure I damaged my back somewhat. Apparently bending over forwards in the shower and washing the hair dye from neck down to the top of my head is like a bajillion times harder that doing it the opposite way. But I feel that it was the only way to keep the dye from running down my leg.

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Well it took like 3-4 times as long. So apart from getting hair dye in my eyes various times, my hunched over position turned me into even more of a cripple.

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In conclusion, the whole painful leg thing wore off in 2-3 days and I booked in to get the rest of it finished off.

Stint number two came around and I made sure it was a friday afternoon to solve the work clothes not fitting issue. I didn’t bother trying to change the pancake boobs situation but came up with a genius plan for the other issues:
1. Numbing cream – sometimes it’s ok to be a wimp ok?
2. Wash my hair before going.
3. Sit right forward on the toilet seat so the tat doesn’t touch it.

Well the bloody numbing cream wore off about halfway through, I realised I have visible roots in my hair and should have dyed it and my pee ended up going on the floor. My bad.

Not only that but while visiting the toilet for a #2, my dog yelped. Cue the freak out and ‘quicken this shit up!’ (literally) because of all the times to possibly yelp, this truly was bad timing. Footnote: I hobbled out of the bathroom in a frenzy and she was sitting there wagging her tail and smiling. Errrr.. Cheers.

Of course there’s always little lessons to be learnt along the way. Today for example, I swept the floor with a semi-peg leg and noticed something hilarious. When you bend over to pick up say, a pile of dust with your dustpan and broom, you will look like a giraffe drinking. There’s no casual bending over as normal.

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Also, sneezing while bent over like a giraffe and holding a dustpan of dust is not attractive and results in further sweeping.

So now after all this, I look at girls with tattooed legs posing for a casual selfie and think ‘cute as that selfie is, you and I know that you’ve probably pissed on the floor.’

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UNLESS everyone else has thought more logically; as the ever-wise NU pointed out to me, “you should get a shewee!”

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I asked a guy friend with a tattooed butt how he sat on the toilet during recovery. “Like normal. I just sucked it up and dealt with the pain”. Ok smarty pants.

Either which way it’s safe to say that reality is rarely glamorous. Keep it real peeps!

Rambling Goat


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To flatus or not to flatus

This morning I hicupped and burped at the same time. This isn’t exactly unusual for me but right after this useless talent of mine (I have a few..), my stomach made a noise that sounded like a fart. There was one guy in the corner of the room who hadn’t left when the rest had and as I was standing at the sink with my back to the room, I think he thought I hadn’t noticed him there. Like as if I waited until everyone left the room and was now letting loose on bodily noises.

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He made an awkward arm movement (I assume to create some noise) and then although he had just observed me eating peanut butter on toast, he asked me what I had for breakfast.

I kept casual knowing that the noise came from my stomach and not my butt.
“Peanut butter on toast”.
He awkwardly left the room without a response.

I’ve learnt two things from this encounter:
1. People are anti-audible bodily functions.

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2. We are a hilarious musical instrument.

So basically we’re making life extremely difficult for ourselves. Who says a burp is ok but a fart isn’t? Or that a burp is bad compared to a hiccup? Why is a fanny fart funny but a butt fart gross?

One group of people who I’ve noticed are above this dilemma are the oldies. Most of us have been in a supermarket and heard an old man/woman let rip in the next aisle. They’re at a point in their lives where they’ve realised that it’s not a big deal – There’s more to life. Or maybe they’re deaf. Or maybe they have absolutely no control over their body anymore. Either way, go you good things!
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But as much as I want to project this attitude of ‘hey, let’s all fart and not care!’
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Maybe I won’t when I’m old but until then, if my musical instrument toots at you or even if you just THINK it has tooted, try not to get all awkies k? All signs point to me being the awkward one here.

Rambling Goat


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Fetishes I’m not cool with

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Everyone has hard limits – things you’re not cool with and absolutely do not feel the urge to entertain.
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Most people on fetlife have a list of fetishes but only some have written a list of no-no’s. I guess I’ve never really written a list but seeing as I don’t think mine will be *too* long, let me attempt one.

Fetishes I’m not cool with:
*Underage – no.
*Animals – again, no.
*Piss, shit or vomit – nooooope. That is all.
*Feet – don’t touch mine, I’m not touching yours and let’s never speak of it again.
*Ears – the closer you get to them, the further away I will squirm.
*Being licked all over my body – a little bit of licking, sure, but not both arms, legs, stomach, face etc in one sitting. This happened to me once and I felt like a sticky lollipop that then dried with a crusty layer of saliva on me. So uhhhh please no more!
*Anything involving high amounts of saliva and the smell of spit – totally related to the dot point above, but also rules out people with super sloppy kisses and spitting on me.
*Sweat and uncleanness – just have a shower please.. And while you’re there, scrub the shit out of your sweaty gouch. Thanks!
*Hair – act primal, sure, but don’t go all out please.. I’m not into pubes, back hair or on women, underarm and leg hair.
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Everything else (unless I’ve missed one), I’m happy to report that I’m open to. Bring it on life! 😀
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Rambling Goat