Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Nonsense Review: Pokemon Go

Whether you’re a fan or not, it’s pretty clear all over the world that Pokemon Go is the biggest thing since sliced bread.

And. It. Is!

Dudes, I’ve been metaphorically peeing my pants with excitement since the release sometime last week as my inner child has been awakened.


So let’s go over some of the awesomeness of this whole thing. And if you’re gonna be one of those old fuddy duddies “what’s the pokey mons?!” Then go swallow a rusty whisk because

You don’t need to know Pokemon to enjoy it

The Boy laughed at me for the first two days when I was running around town in my trackies catching invisible monsters, but two days later he was on my coat tails and I swear is more obsessed than I am!

He never played Pokemon as a child so can’t name all 151 like I can, but he is still loving all the critters and getting attached to them and excited when a freakin zubat is hovering in your beer.

It’s exercise that doesn’t make you want to cry

I’m a lazy hobo who’s allergic to the gym, but with Pokemon Go I’ve been doing 6km minimum walks a day and have already lost a kilo! It’s enjoyable and you don’t notice the pain while you’re hunting down a slowpoke.

You explore new places like some urban mother flippin Captain Cook

I’ve already discovered some nice parks and bush land around my place I didn’t know existed that I discovered on my poke walks. Note to self: picnic time!

You get free stuff

Boy and I went to dinner the other night to a pizza place that happened to be a poke stop as well. So we thought “sweet, dinner and Pokemon at the same time!”

The lady servings us thought it was funny that we were playing Pokemon and they got business due to it, and we got our drinks for freeeee!

It’s a social lubricant without the hangover

Strangers are making friends and talking to each other, people who you wouldn’t look twice at normally are giving you a smile and striking up conversation. 

I was on the bus stop playing pokemon trying to catch a bulbasaur and a young gentleman started talking to me about it. Without this, we all just stand there like vapid zombies staring at our phones or into the distance, scared that a little eye contact will burn our souls.


If you don’t like catching Pokemon, the descriptions of some of the poke stops is  hilarious in itself


Look it’s sweet Baby Gesus


Walls truly are a bland reminder of our boxed in existence…


Okay this weird ghost face just creeps me out 


So the moral of the story is I give Pokemon Go a lifetime of high fives. Stop being a lamebo party pooper and get on to it!

Nonsense unicorn


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Nonsense Review: Pinterest

I discovered pinterest a few years ago and like many others was in disbelief over this new thing called “DIY”. Everything seemed so easy! And fun! And cheap! I found a local furniture auction place and felt like I’d hit a gold mine. So many awesome old bits of furniture that I could do up! Huzzah!

But pinterest didn’t tell me – and others – the most important thing here. It’s a shitload harder than it looks and everything always takes longer than what people say. Oh and stuff is almost guaranteed to go wrong.

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Anyway one day I was feeling confident and enthusiastic so decided to make a string pendant light for my bathroom. You can buy these in the shops for hundreds of dollars or you can use 4 items and create it yourself for like $20.
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So the steps sound easy:
1. Blow up balloon.
2. Dip ball of string in kids craft glue then wrap around balloon.
3. Hang to dry.
4. Pop balloon, cut hole at one end to remove balloon and put in a light fitting.
5. Hang!

I had a problem at every single step.
1. The balloon kept blowing up into an egg shape. I had to push in one end and duct tape it to turn it into a round shape.
2. Well I’m glad I did this in the shower because holy cow, glue went everywhere. My hands were covered and it had flicked everywhere in the shower, including in my hair. Also, it was super difficult to get started because it was so slippery and the string kept sliding all over the balloon.
3. DO NOT HANG IT IN THE SUN. My bad. The bloody balloon popped. Lucky it had dried first so the string was a bit warped, but fine – I was able to push it back into shape. The worst bit was the shreds of melted ripped balloon that were still stuck to the glue.
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4. Well you can’t just leave cut bits of string flapping in the breeze and then magically float a cord in there. Well at least not with the cord i bought.. I had to make this whole finished metal edge and support for the cord.

5. Well it only fell down twice.. But once was in front of the electrician who was in there doing other work. He showed me how to hang it so the cord pinched the metal to keep it together. Yay but FML. I had literally just been pointing it out and being all proud of my work.

What have I learnt? The ease shown on Pinterest is not reality. So please, people on Pinterest – be honest. Tell me that I’m going to have to wash my hair because glue will fly in it and look like jizz. Tell me that melted balloon pieces are hard to pull off dried glue. Tell me that you failed at some seemingly easy task just like I did (although to be fair, it did end up looking awesome when the drama subsided).
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Of course I’m not the only one who turned this simple task into a circus. So here to make myself (and others) feel better, enjoy these awesome fails:

Art & Craft

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Cooking

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There’s a lesson to be learnt here kids – nothing is ever as easy as you think it is and everything takes longer than you think it will. Don’t let this stop you from trying though, if it goes pear shaped you can always have a laugh about it ūüėČ

Rambling Goat


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Nonsense Review: Skyrim (the NU guide)

For those who don’t want to read the whole post: Skyrim is pretty much the best game ever in the universe of gaming so just get it and sell your soul to the eternal heavenly bliss of awesomeness.

It’s so radical that I’ve been playing it for like 5 years or some crap like that and I haven’t event finished the main story yet. Why? Because it is the game that just keeps giving!

Why do the main quest when I can be a farmer, or thief, or assassin, or spend hours running around aimlessly stumbling across secret temples?! The possibilities are endless which makes it a game that never gets old.

It’s also the perfect game you can always go back to in between the other games you try to play but end up being sorely disappointed by cos they’re not as fun/ big/ long/ exciting as Skyrim is.

  
The lowdown 

You start out as some povo person who actually has the blood of a dragon and is destined to save the world from evil dragons. What’s not to love about that?! 

So not only are you some hectic dragon warrior, but you also solve some civil war and all this other stuff along the way.

Make your own character

The first 20 hours of the game is spent making your own character! You can choose from a range of races, from elves, dark elves, lame nords, LIZARDS, or awesome cat people.

So, I’ve been going through as a dragon born CAT boom.

  
What’s cool about that is that your convos through the game can change depending on what race you are. Like some losers think it’s cool to call me a “milk drinker” yeah?! Well… Let me smack ya with my FLUFFY TAIL. That’s what I thought.

  
Horses defy gravity

Horses are from Mars and can traverse any landscape, including mountains 

  
And they fight for you like equine ninjas.

Bonus fun tip: climb to the highest mountain and see how far you can jump off on your horse. You have no idea how many hours are wasted doing this. The hilarity that ensues is worth it.

Question your morals

So there’s also some hectic religious stuff going on in the background where you may meet these demon peeps called Daedra. Some of them are evil and some are questionable…. But all of them usually result in some awesome weapons or glory.

Will you sacrifice an innocent pleb for the glory for an awesome demonic sword? Will you?!? I think yes.

  
Glitches

So yeah okay, the game might glitch sometimes. But let’s just not talk about that ok? Besides, if you save your game appropriately then the glitches are just hilarious! Like floating 2 metres above your horse like some mofo ghost. What’s not to love?

  
Summary

I give Skyrim a lifetime of high fives, because let’s face it – I’ve got the attention span of a walnut, so for something to keep ME entertained for eternity it must be good!

Nonsense Unicorn


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Nonsense Review: Skyrim (RG’s version)

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For those of you who don’t know Skyrim, let’s summarise it as a medieval video game with sorcery, dragons, trolls and giants. Yes, on face value it sounds nerdy as all shit but it’s made so well that you can’t help but be dragged into the hype once you start playing it.

Let me stop all the skyrim fanatics right here though because before anyone starts talking technical mumbo jumbo with me, I’m going to say straight up that I’m not a hardcore quest-hunter but am more of a bumbling idiot. Thankfully skyrim allows for bumbling idiots and hilarity ensues.

I’m not going to give you a proper gamers review, actually I’m just going to say that Skyrim is epic. I appreciate a game where I can do all the kind of shit that I can’t in real life and this is one of those games.

Let me tell you a few of my tales:
1. I killed a woman who ran an orphanage. Before you get those glarey eyebrows on me, she treated the kids like shit. Apparently some assassin was meant to kill her so when I did it instead, I got drugged and had to kill someone else. Fair enough, makes perfect sense (?). I picked a guy who looked like a cat who told me he was a criminal. The assassin people were impressed so now I’m an assassin.

I’m sure I’ll get around to going to their den and making ‘hits’ but for now I’m trying to sell swords and shields that I steal off skeleton corpses because I want to buy a house and it’s $5000. Priorities people!

2. I paid for a guy to be released from jail. After taking the money, the guard scoffed and said he’d ‘get around to’ letting him out. I got impatient and didn’t trust him so I got into a ‘sneak’ position (crouched, soft footsteps) and pickpocketed him. Well I was right in front of him so he saw me. Because I helped the jarl (leader of the town), he let me off. I checked my pockets, the bastard still had the key! So I went ahead and helped myself to his pockets again, this time from the back. Again, he caught me. This time I paid him to let me go. However due to some weird loophole, I now had a bounty for pickpocketing a guard twice so after taking the money happily, he tried to chase me. I bribed him to let me off for the bounty.

In conclusion, I want to become invisible and pickpocket the bastard again. I just think about that poor guy in jail (I can’t remember what he’s in there for) who should be released. Mainly because I paid for it, let’s be honest.

3. I found a conjurer with a firey apparition lady. Awesome! So I walked on over happy as larry and the mofo’s killed me (death #1).

I figured they were bad so headed over ready to kill and rob them, as you do. As I was nearing the sight, well tickle me pink – a bear was mauling them. Awww shit yeah, killed them without trying! Let’s get to the robbing. I headed over to the body of the person and stole their clothes, but the bear turned around and ran back at me. It then mauled me and my lifeless body fell onto the naked corpse (death #2).

Ok new tactic. Nope, a bear mauled me on my way to the site (death #3).

Ok far out, now I’m just wanting this over with. After shooting my arrows into the rock I’m trying to hide behind (I’m a dud aim in archery), the conjurer came running at me and the fight was on! Holy shit, I succeeded! But I look around and my offsider (she’s some chic who fights for me and more importantly carries a shitload of junk that I want to sell) is dead. God dammit. I grab all the stuff off her and realise I’m now carrying 500kg/lb worth of stuff and am walking at snail pace. I’m in the middle of nowhere and my horse ran away ages ago when a bear was mauling me. I decide to go back to my last save point (with my bow aimed at the rock). Let’s make this death #4.

Death #5 came about with me trying to sneak up on the conjurer and use a new spell that I hadn’t tried before (a firey explosion). Seems it didn’t work. Also, my offsider died again, possibly due to said explosion.

FINALLY I defeated to stupid bloody conjurer and it’s stupid bloody fire lady. I saved the game and got the frig out of there.

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———–

So, as you can see, Skyrim is amusing, fun, hard at times, a massive time-consumer, random as all shit but also teaches you life lessons on stuff you’ll hopefully never have to encounter.

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Rambling Goat

Ps. For Skyrim fans who are wondering, I’m a redhead Wood Elf ūüėÄ


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Nonsense Review: Crayons

Ok so I’m embracing my ‘little’ this year. And by that I mean I’m totally cool with drawing animals as stick figures and doing colouring in.
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Who says we cant do kids things because we’re now an adult? I’m not getting carried away and dressing the part with pigtails in my hair and frilly socks but I do like farm animal stickers and lego ūüėÄ

I’m no less of an adult and havent gone all weak and defenseless. I am still capable of fending off dickheads (top tip: give them that look of confidence straight in the eye like you are secretly a MMA fighter) and defending myself and friends (so I punched this guy in the face once..).

Anyway I digress.. The point is: fuck yeah, crayons are the bomb! image

So I’m pretty sure crayons are going extinct because I can’t find them in many places so my first point for this review is WTF crayon companies?!?! Are you now selling tv and washing machines?? Get back to basics!

The reason they need to get back to basics is because I’ve noticed something that a kid may not: some crayons are fucking shithouse.

You know when a kid passes you a picture “it’s a drawing of you!” and you think ‘oh christ, this kid is on acid. Or blind. Or secretly has robot hands that are malfunctioning.’ Well the truth of the matter is, you gave that kid some shitty ass crayons and instead of making a masterpiece, it drew a squiggle. You are holding back a genius and this can be fixed with some good quality crayons.

Now I’m going to get slightly technical here (well as much as you can for a crayon).. I’ve found some crayons have a more stickier, less colourful and bigger clumping wax. This is bad. You want finer bits of wax that allow the colour to go right through.

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This is what happens when you get good crayons. And these were extra awesome because they were lego shaped :O

My dad got sucked in to buying a big box of crayons from a good art brand for me for my bday. Just loudly, I love that he asked what I wanted, I said crayons and colouring in and he didn’t bat an eyelid.
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Anyway, poor dad (or really, poor me) because they truly suck. I tried to do colouring in and they kept going out of the lines. Oh yes, they were reverting me back to the coordination of a baby against my will.

Also, they looked a certain colour, say orange, so I’d colour a carrot and lo and behold, I now have a psychopathic death carrot that is red from blood because it’s been stabbing villagers.

Do not base your child’s coordination, mental state, IQ and level of colour-blindness off a drawing with crayons. Don’t do it. It’s mostly the crayons at fault.

Rambling Goat

Ps. If there is some crayon expert out there, for the love of god please tell us the point of the white crayon. It doesn’t work on coloured paper or over another colour, did you not test this back in your lab?!


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Nonsense Review: Devondale Margarine

I don’t normally eat butter/margarine. There’s only 2 things I use it for:
*On bread with Vegemite – yep classic Aussie.
*Cooking mushrooms in it (with thyme) – honestly, soooo good with eggs for breakfast.

So here we go, get a new butter, open it up and this is presented before me:

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Ok raise your hand if you chuckled. Surely I’m not the only one who sees this..
My butter looks vaguely like a motherfuckin vagina.

Thankyou to whichever staff member squirted that in because not only are you creating works of art here, but you’ve also made my day.

Once the giggling stopped and the photos were taken, I got my knife and… Uhhh.. Very carefully grazed off some butter from the edge. Now that I had personified my butter to a lovely lady, I didn’t want to slice her and dice her. It was an awkward moment.

So if you want butter that tastes like all the other butters out there, costs the same as all the other butters out there, but makes you grin upon opening, then this is the product for you!

Rambling Goat


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Things I don’t give a shit about but probably should

I’m a naturally apathetic person. ¬†A regular utterance from my lazy lips on a daily basis would be “meh”.

A whole lotta stuff to me is a whole lotta meh. ¬†And so, ¬†there are some things in this life that I just don’t really care about, ¬†where many others seem to take issue. ¬†I don’t know if this makes me inherently lazy or solidly depressed, ¬†but …. meh.

Here you have it: ¬†things I don’t give a shit about but probably should

Getting scratches on my car

Scratches and dints on my car just don’t get my anger girdle going. ¬†Even though I finally drive a car that wasn’t made in the 80s or 90s, ¬†I still can’t give a shit when I notice a ding. ¬†As long as the insides work, meh.

Getting my period

Some girls get all high horsey and shit when the red river flows:

“Oh it’s that time of the month, ¬†I feel like shit, whinge whinge whinge, ¬†periods suck balls”.

“Treat me extra special, ¬†aunt flow has arrived”.

“Get me a rag on a stick, ¬†I’m on my period and that automatically – for some irrational reason – means you need to treat me like a princess!”

I’ve never really found it a big deal, ¬†nor felt the need to ever whinge about it or use it to my advantage. ¬†I just. ¬†Don’t. ¬†Care. ¬†I can’t really even remember my first time I just don’t give a shit that much, ¬†but I’m pretty sure it went something like, “oi mum, ¬†I’m bleedin and shit, pass me one of those pads will ya?” (okay maybe I didn’t really talk like that when I was a teen, but whatevs).

Periods. ¬†Don’t give a shit.

Stop being pussies, ladies.

Folding Clothes

Nope. ¬†Ain’t nobody got time for that. ¬†Buy your clothes strategically so they don’t crinkle, ¬†roll em in a ball and chuck em in the basket. ¬†Done. ¬†The boy has to have his clothes perfectly folded, ¬†but meh I find it such a waste of time and effort.

Unless you have one of those folding mechanisms.  Then maybe I would attempt it for the lols.

This shit exists yo!

Being Nice to People who don’t like me

You don’t like me and I don’t like you. ¬†Why waste energy on these types of mofos? ¬†I guess I¬†should try and be a little more diplomatic when dealing with people I don’t like and not tell them to go slit their throat (thank you School Reunion), ¬†but I¬†just don’t give a shit.

On many occasion in my life I’ve gotten myself into trouble, ¬†or been painted as the bitch, ¬†cos I won’t shy away from telling a dick knob where he can shove his head (happens to be where a sun don’t shines), ¬†where other friends will smile and nod and be nice in fear of being rude. ¬†But MEH.

Expiry Dates

If it doesn’t smell, ¬†isn’t slimey, ¬†and hasn’t been sitting there for a ludicrously long time, ¬†I’ll probably eat or drink it.

The boy will throw milk out on the day it says it expires. ¬†But I’ve totally had it two days after cos it’s still been FINE.

Pretty sure medieval plebeians didn’t care so much, ¬†so neither do I. Meh.

Aaaaand I’ll still drink it. Boom.

Clothing Brands and Designer Labels

Pfft I’m not going to spend billions of dollars on a stupid handbag when I can get one that’s just as cool for $50.

Designer labels are just a stupid status label and I just don’t give a shit.

Oh, ¬†you spent $2000 on a Prada bag? ¬†Yeah, ¬†well I’m taking that money and going to JAPAN INSTEAD YOU SUPERFICIAL PERSON YOU.

Meh.  Imma sit her in my $10 pants and be happy.

I don’t WANT to, you smell like moth balls.

And there’s probably alot of things I can add to this, ¬†but I’ve stopped giving a shit about this and wanna watch a movie now so ……. something something five dollars? Get outta here!

Coming up soon when I feel like it but probably won’t: ¬†Things I give too much of a shit about

Nonsense Unicorn