Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Stink Dick

It was the season of 21sts and the single period after Cherry and I broke up. I was at that stage of being over the heartache and not really giving a crap about guys, just getting drunk and having a good time.

I’m at a friends costume party dressed as a dog, and something something who knows how it happened but I end up sleeping with this guy. Let’s call him SD.

Side note: wtf is with picking up guys when dressed up? And I’m not talking about the slut version of costumes, I had freakin black spots painted on my face. Perhaps a closet furry?

Anyway, so it kind of turned in to a one night stand that wouldn’t go away and somehow turned into a relationship. A quite mundane and boring relationship. I think it was the epitome of a rebound, no feeling but it fills the time kind of thing.

We would do relatively boring things – eat dinner and then fuck in my car. He never focused on making me cum (don’t think I ever did? Not worth remembering).

And OMG he had stink dick. Like, how can you be 21 with stink dick? Do you even shower? And I actually put that thing inside me. Gross. But at the time I was young and thought perhaps it was normal or something .


6 months down the track I was somewhat looking for an excuse to break up with him (the dude wore skinny jeans for jeebus sakes!) Luckily, he went away for a weekend  with friends and one of my bfs was part of the crowd. She caught him fucking this known slag and let me know.

Who would have thought that cheating could bring so much elation, but there we were. So I was at work and couldn’t wait until I finished. I texted him to come meet me and dumped him there. Dumb ass denied it the whole time which made it so much easier, because dude you were caught red handed.

He lost a unicorn for one night with a hippo. 

Conquest count: 12

Nonsense unicorn


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A few filler fellas

Or a few filler fucks, but perhaps that’s a bit too crass for a heading. Also, How’s that for alliteration! Anyway, I thought I would get back to my conquest list.

There are a couple that are just not full blog worthy, so I thought I would just provide a quick list of some of the conquests that I can remember.

Sharing is caring: RG’s Ex

After the douche that broke my esteem, I was feeling terribly down and shitty about myself and just wanted to crawl up in a hole and die. Believing that no guy would want to touch me ever again if I was truly as disgusting as douche wad made me out to be.

So RG being the good friend she is said I should totally hit up her ex for a good time to help. And so I did.

Probably one of the most hilarious and awkward things I have done!


Two boring jack hammers

Then there are two guys from school that ended up as drunken screws. Nothing exciting, too drunk and no self esteem to care, ended up back at their place to be a starfish to their jack hammer. Walk of shame in the morning.


I didn’t know it at the time as I didn’t know them well enough, but apparently they both had girlfriends so I was unknowingly the “other woman” for a night. What jerks.

And that brings us to the double digits….

Nonsense unicorn

Conquest count: 11


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Hoecember sexcapades

Also could be called the one that was almost illegal but luckily wasn’t. Phew!

When we were 21 (or 22 I forget) RG and I embarked on a glorious adventure across the border for Hoecember. If you haven’t already gathered by the title,  the main goal of this trip was to have some fun and just see where each night took us, if you know what I mean… The room we were in even had a separate bedroom to be the shag pad hahaha!


So we sign up for one of those Pub Crawl group things where you pay $20 or some crap like that and they take a group of you around to the best pubs and you meet people and whatever.

One of the guys in the group was a super hot tanned English Boy with blonde speckled hair. Me being the awkward self conscious lamebo I am was super surprised that he bought me a drink and talked to me, when he clearly had his pick of anyone!

So I hook up with English Boy, and RG hooks up with the pub crawl team leader guy. From what I remember RG left before me back to the shag pad.

I think we went down to the beach and stuff and things ensued, but seriously, sex on the beach is not as glamorous as people make it out to be! The sand was annoying so we left.

English Boy and I go back to our hotel and go skinny dipping in the pool out front. Little did I know that RG had already done exactly the same thing not too long before we got there, so the owner lady came out and started yelling at us, laughing we grab our clothes and sprint naked and soaking wet down the street.

Still makes me lol that I’ve done that hahaha.

After some time we head back to the room and stuff and things ensue. From what I remember it was pretty alright! Surprising for the queen of awkward.

Blah blah on our last night we had a flight home at 6am, so instead of sleeping we decided to party and then go straight to the airport. English Boy and I meet up again, and RG meets a Russian dude.

All four of us end up back in the room, and somehow we all end up naked in bed eating ice blocks. Funniest memory ever.

Seediest plane ride ever and I’m pretty sure I vomited once we landed, but it was totally worth It.

Afterwards I add English Boy on Facebook only to discover he only just turned 18! What a liar he totally said he was 22…. At least he was hot and I can tick an Englishman off the list.
Conquest count: 8



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The Micro Sailor

I totally forgot about my conquest count! Not that it’s that riveting anyway, but here is a short tale about a short tail… Pun intended….

The Micro Sailor

I guess it’s cool that I can tick fucking a sailor off the Sucket list, but as usual it was a drunken awkward encounter.

Sailor boi was a friend of a friend, and one drunken evening with RG and others I somehow got pushed along to go back to his place. From what I remember he was pretty alright so I was all yeah why not. Fuck it.

So we go back to his place and starts doing stuff and things, and ermagherd his slug was… Well, the size of a slug.


Now let me say that I have never ever been the kind of girl to care about peen size because for one, guys can’t help what size they have, and I always assumed you can still have a good time so who cares right?!

But in this case, it was so awkward cos as he as flailing on top of me I seriously didn’t know if it was in yet, and I didn’t know if he thought it was in or not but I just kinda went with it…


It was really awkward…. On the plus side at least I could pretend to be good at deep throat cos he didn’t set off my gag reflex…

The next morning I walk of shamed to a taxi home that cost me $150 cos the ass took a long ass route home. It’s a bit sad that I remember that fact and not the sailors name, huh?

Conquest count: 7


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The one that scarred me

There is only one time in my life that I have been the instigator for a sexual encounter. One time. Every other time has been guys pestering or wooing me and me conceding to their wiles.

This one time that I did the talking ended very badly for my self esteem.

I don’t really even want to think about it, so I’m just going to give a brief break down of what went down.


RG and I were out partying with the westie group of friends. We were both being cheeky and messaging one of the boys joking about having a threesome. He was already screwing another one of the girls, but he was intrigued.

The conversation turned to just me and him texting and with some persuasion I asked him back to our room for … You know…

So I drunkenly go back to the hotel room and wait for him. He arrives, chewing gum like a cow. It was a weird silent kind of awkward, as we were mates but not that close, and there wasn’t really any attraction.

So we tried to get it on a bit – I don’t even know if he finished or what, it was all a bit of “wtf are we doing…” And yeah blah he left. Fucking awkward and weird.

And then RG and some of the other boys come back and we make a bunk tent and pass out.

Then the next day while I’m at home on the couch hungover as fuck I get a text message from the dude.

It said something  along the lines of

Hey bro

Yeah I went back and fucked her. She is disgusting I felt so dirty afterwards I had to have 10 showers.

I remember my heart feeling like it stopped when I read that. I knew that it was awkward, but to read that I was disgusting?! Plus the old “oh sorry that wasn’t meant for you” message that followed.


I replied something back to the likes of “wow, yeah that was a mistake and crap and shouldn’t have done it, but thanks for making me feel like a piece of shit now”. I should have said that his tiny thin dick wasn’t worth my time either, but I’m not as mean as him.

After that I avoided him like the plague for a good few years. At social gatherings I ignored him and pretended he wasn’t there.

A couple of years later at a wizard party he cornered me And apologised for the whole deal. I accepted, told him it was a pretty shitty line to take, that I didn’t enjoy it after but his unkind words really fucked my self esteem up for a long time (yeah take that guilt trip you asshole).

Even though he apologised, we still floated away as friends.

Thinking about that still makes my heart ache. I can deal with the usual rejection due to me being a crazy bitch, but I still can’t shake the view that I am disgusting.

And I still haven’t initiated anything with anyone since then.
Conquest count: 6

Nonsense unicorn


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My first rebound: I faked it and he could tell

A group of four of us girls headed off to the Gold Coast for a few days away. Freshly heart broken, I was happy to get away with some close friends. 

I wasn’t looking to hook up with anyone because these weren’t the kind of friends you do that with. 

We arrive and head out for a night of drinks and fun. We end up at a cowboy style bar for some drinks. It wasn’t very packed, so we just had fun dancing like idiots on the dance floor.

This super hot blond tall guy comes up to the group and starts talking particularly to me. Now I’ve never been a flirty person or particularly prithee to the attention of the male kind. So when he asked if he could buy me a drink I was all “pfft why would you want to do that? For me?!” But he was insistent and I conceded and went with it.

I recall being quite surprised that this super hot dude was interested in fumbly awkward me of all people. One of my other friends (who is no longer a friend due to her narcissistic peacockery) was annoyed that he wasn’t dazzled by her charms – why me? And I wasn’t even looking! I guess it’s like the old saying “it happens when you least expect it”…


So he asks me back to his place and I tell my friends I’m sorry but I’m gonna bail and go with this guy because I have low self esteem and need to do this after my break up. And off we went.

He takes me back to his place and the jiggy gets going. He starts going down on me…. And it feels like sand paper. He goes at it for a while, and I lie there moaning thinking “uhh I’m so not going to come, but young me doesn’t know how to get him to stop”…. So I decide to fake it with some louder moans and mmm yeah that was awesome.

He was sad.

“You didn’t come”.


And I was all (shit) “oh no I totally did that was great. We should fuck now”.

And so we did, and his room mate comes home and crashes in the bed next to him and we silently keep going at it and then fall asleep spooning.

The next morning instead of kicking me to the curb he actually walked me 20 minutes along the beach back to my hotel. What a gentleman.

That’s probably the sweetest walk of shame I’ve ever done.

And I’ve never faked an orgasm since.

Nonsense unicorn

Conquest count so far: 5


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It was so bad I pretended to cry

Things get a little chronologically blurry after the cherry and I broke up, so I’ll just tell the stories as I remember.

I don’t even know if this is technically counted, but it’s too hilarious to think about.

As any young broken hearted girl does after a break up, I was out at a local club drinking and dancing my sorrows away. There was a group of people from school and another outer circle from another school who I wasn’t particularly fond with, but whatever my friends were friends with them.

It started with this mutual friend who looked like an emu face raping me on the dance floor. Awkward and timid me just took it because I sucked (and still do) at saying get off me ya loser.


He then offered to drive me home and I agreed because stuff paying for a cab!

(Yes older and slightly wiser me now realises duh sober guy taking advantage of drunk girl isn’t going to end well…)

We get in his car and he keeps making out with me, then starts taking my clothes off. I was drunk and apathetic and thought … Meh yeah okay meh.

Unfortunately I should have know be from his sloppy kissing that this was going to be shit. He was the kind that thought ramming his fingers inside me for 5 seconds and then trying to shove his thin dick in me is how it works. My body wasn’t having it and the lack of skill or damn common sense about the female anatomy snapped me out of wanting to continue.

So I pretended to cry and said I’m so sorry but in still in love with my ex I can’t do this blah blah and that got me out of it.  He drove me home.


So I don’t know if it’s counted for just the tip for a few seconds (I don’t count it), but it’s funny because he went around telling everyone that he fucked me. I enjoyed telling them the truth

Nonsense unicorn