Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Why do we get drunk?

Yes, obviously I’m hungover because no functioning person would ask that question.

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I am unable to get out of bed without at least 20 mins of self-convincing, I dont want to conversate with peeps and for some reason having popcorn for breakfast seemed like an epic idea. I’m laying in bed with all my sheets scrunched into a mess, have a half eaten bag of popcorn stinking my room up and now after the realisation that my popcorn was past its use by date, I’m wondering if I’ve sped up my rate of dying.

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I’ve also just had to leap up out of bed because dd got home and I remembered I’d left my vomit-covered shoes in the bathroom. Apparently he knew about them already – he took them off my feet last night when I tried to sleep in them. He also told me that I’m selfish among other things and I cried.

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There’s no awesomely hilarious tale of my drunken night, all I did was hang out at a Japanese restaurant with the GPOV’S. After I left them, I then proceeded to have a terrible drunk adventure of getting on a train, getting off, finding a toilet, spewing, getting on a new train etc. One station I didn’t even make it to the toilet and spewed in a busy train station corridor. My 10 min journey home took 2 hours.

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So now all I can do is smirk at photos of animals who look hungover because these guys seemingly understand my pain right now;

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Hey life, I want to know why our brain thinks it’s a great idea to keep feeding itself alcohol. Why can’t it see when it’s had enough and just stop? With me, there’s no possible reason to keep going – I say the same things and pretty much do the same stuff while sober. I could have sat there sober and had the same amount of fun so why do I keep drinking and drinking? Ugh. It’s so fucked. I need to go back to my 4 drink limit instead of loudly deciding half a beer in that “I’m gonna get DRUNK tonight!”

To all the hungover peeps out there who are laying in a foetal position and looking for something to amuse their lifeless bodies, I hear ya. Enjoy;

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Rambling Goat


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Am I the only one?

We all have our weird quirks and habits, especially when we are alone and think that no one else knows.

Well, out of plain curiosity you will now all know some of the weird things I do! As I ask you all: am I the only one? Surely not, right?

I trace words with my tongue on the back of my teeth

My subconscious brain will extract a particularly satisfying word I have heard that day, and will begin to trace it in cursive back and forth on the back of my teeth…

Am I the only one? Or mildly OCD?

Find my farts hilarious

Sometimes I’ll be alone and they will toot in a specially funny way and I can’t help but crack up.

I use my boobs and stomach as a table

Cheaper than buying a stable table, comfier than sitting in an upright position.

Read the shampoo bottle in the shower

And the gel. And the soap. And the face wash. It feels more satisfying than reading a good book.

Miss my mouth when brushing my teeth

This happens more frequently than one would think. Toothpaste in the eye does not create a fresher outlook on life.

And a thought to leave you with: ever noticed how your tongue doesn’t sit comfortably in your mouth?
Over and out

Nonsense unicorn


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To flatus or not to flatus

This morning I hicupped and burped at the same time. This isn’t exactly unusual for me but right after this useless talent of mine (I have a few..), my stomach made a noise that sounded like a fart. There was one guy in the corner of the room who hadn’t left when the rest had and as I was standing at the sink with my back to the room, I think he thought I hadn’t noticed him there. Like as if I waited until everyone left the room and was now letting loose on bodily noises.

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He made an awkward arm movement (I assume to create some noise) and then although he had just observed me eating peanut butter on toast, he asked me what I had for breakfast.

I kept casual knowing that the noise came from my stomach and not my butt.
“Peanut butter on toast”.
He awkwardly left the room without a response.

I’ve learnt two things from this encounter:
1. People are anti-audible bodily functions.

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2. We are a hilarious musical instrument.

So basically we’re making life extremely difficult for ourselves. Who says a burp is ok but a fart isn’t? Or that a burp is bad compared to a hiccup? Why is a fanny fart funny but a butt fart gross?

One group of people who I’ve noticed are above this dilemma are the oldies. Most of us have been in a supermarket and heard an old man/woman let rip in the next aisle. They’re at a point in their lives where they’ve realised that it’s not a big deal – There’s more to life. Or maybe they’re deaf. Or maybe they have absolutely no control over their body anymore. Either way, go you good things!
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But as much as I want to project this attitude of ‘hey, let’s all fart and not care!’
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Maybe I won’t when I’m old but until then, if my musical instrument toots at you or even if you just THINK it has tooted, try not to get all awkies k? All signs point to me being the awkward one here.

Rambling Goat


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I’m Not In Love

I’m not in love, so don’t forget it. It’s just a silly phase I’m going through…
-10cc

Sitting upstairs trying to listen to a disgusting statistics tutorial,  I hear my  bellowing and heavily depressed boyfriend downstairs on the phone crying to his mother:

“I love her but I’m not in love with her”.

My heart sinks.  The computer screen seems to zoom out and blur as my chest begins to contort rapidly against invisible ropes, a swelling lump of dread scratching the back of my tongue and choking me.  Woah, for a perpetually numb and stone walled individual this feeling is intense.  Too bad it’s full of the usual melancholic stress and demise.

We have been having our problems lately, and we’re both aware of that.  He is fucking depressed and crippled with anxiety, and I’m so pro at depression I’m like a walking ghost that no one knows the wiser is merely an empty shell.  We’re like two blind frogs trying to stay on the same lily pad together.  We have discussed this, we know life is shit yadda yadda, but we also decided that we love each other too much and it’s worth fighting for and all that crap.

And then I hear this.

The typical girl inside me wrote a note on a post it, took it down to him and gave it to him, storming back up to the study to pretend like I was learning about numbers and shit.

I can hear everything.

His phone call ends and, crying, he follows me up.  Oblivious and in a stupor to what he could have possibly said.  I couldn’t tell if it was denial and an awww shiiit how do I cover this or actual cluelessness.

“What did I say? I was talking to my mum,” he wails.

“Oh, that you love me but you’re not in love with me.  Fine. Make a fool of me.  I’m done”.  The ropes constricting my frail rib cage even more.

“What?! I said I love you!  Mum said that being in love with someone is the honeymoon when you first meet and then things change.  That’s what – we aren’t in the honeymoon period anymore.”

Hoooooooold up a minute.  My head is going whack.  My concepts and contexts of what is love are getting all muddled up.

Yeah I know relationships change, the honeymoon period ends, things turn into a roller coaster, but I always thought it was the being IN love with someone that made it worth all while.

Does being in love just constitute that honeymoon period?

Aren’t  you meant to be in love the whole time?  Or is it just a temporary destination?

If you fall out of the honeymoon phase, have you fallen out of love?

Because, to me, I love many a thing.

I love my parents.

I love my friends.

I love my pets.

I love schnitzel.

I love lamp.

But it is that special, heart burning up love that tethers me to this fool.

If he is not in love with me, then what is this?  Cos if I get a schnitzel I don’t like then I just don’t eat it – I ain’t gonna take the time to make a gravy to make it taste better.  I’ll just get a new schnitzel.

He doesn’t get why I am distressed and upset at this.  Am I missing something here?

Does “romantic love” exist not being “in” love?

ANSWER ME PEOPLE.  WHAT MANNER OF DOUCHEBAGGERY IS THIS?!?!

nonsense unicorn


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What constitutes a date?

There seems to be this awkward grey area when:
A) you’re not exclusive with someone or are single
B) start talking to people on a non-dating website
and
C) want to meet the person you’ve been talking to.

If it was a dating website then yes, fair enough, you go on a date. But if you’ve started communicating through social media (Facebook/Fetlife/LinkedIn/Instagram/Twitter), it’s not entirely obvious.

Is it a date? Are you just friends? Are you thinking you’re just friends and they think it’s a date? I’ve noticed that no one is blunt about it. And I’m probably adding to the confusion because I’m not blunt either..
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In my defense though, I’m not actively seeking anyone and I like meeting interesting and fun people. So yes, it could eventuate to play or dating but how do I know before I meet the person?! We might just hit it off as friends and keep it at that. Friends just ‘hang out’ don’t they?

And it’s not just online interactions that have me stumped, no no, it happens in the good ol real world too. A workmate today was talking about a restaurant that sounded awesome. I said “oh wow, I want to go there!” and he responded with “we should go!”. Insert awkward pause. I’m thinking ‘did he just insinuate he wanted to take me on a date there?!’

I assume he was thinking one of these options;
1. ‘Oh god, that sounded whheeeeyyyy too much like I wanted to take her on a date..’
2. ‘Yes! Totally asked her out and it sounded so casual. Damn I’m smooth.’
3. ‘Did I just miss something there? She’s not responding and looking at me strangely.’

Maybe “we” meant ‘you, me and a bunch of other people’?

Ugh. Humans are so confusing. Wise folk out there please enlighten me – what constitutes a date? Dinner at a fancy restaurant for a first ‘meeting’ is most likely a date, but activities like having a coffee or having a couple of drinks could be a friend ‘hangout’ OR a date. Can you have a date with a friend??

Rambling Goat


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Questions to life #9

1. What’s the difference between a frankfurt and a sausage? I know one is red and one is brown but aren’t the ingredients the same??

2. Why do dogs like to be patted on the face? If someone did that to me all the time, I’d be pissed.

3. Why do they always give me an 0 in a Captcha? Is it a 0 or a O?! Or a little L (l) or a capital i (I)? I don’t know what font they’re using!
And if I get it wrong (which I’ll admit to doing very regularly), does it mean I’m not human?! o.O

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Rambling Goat


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Questions to Life #8

1. Why does everyone always squat down as they walk away from a helicopter? Do they think someone would have designed the thing to have propellers at head height?? Or are they worried about being blown over if they stand upright?

2. Who decided we should eat lunch on those small ‘bread and butter’ plates? I eat my lunch on dinner plates, oooh yeah bucking the system!

3. Does anyone ever use the ‘winter’ setting on a ceiling fan? You’d need a ladder?! Just get a blanket bro.

4. Why does my dog decide to have an excited energy spurt and use my white quilt cover as his ‘run to and do a 180’ spot while covered in mud?! Is that footprints on the wall?! Note to self: close bedroom door when I’m not home.

Rambling Goat