Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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ART WANK

I’ve always been of the somewhat opinion that contemporary art is a bunch of massive wank.  My appreciation always halted at Lichtenstein, or sometimes Warhol, but after that it’s always rather pissed me off than anything else.  Compared to the actual skill and talent of the classics, I have been all WTF is with painting a canvas black (I can do that), smack a $20,000 price tag on it and call it art because the art resides in what is not on the canvas. Piss off.

Anyway, this is all up until I visited MONA and ermagherd some artworks actually made me feel shit.  Quite a surprise. If you haven’t been, you totally need to go to Tasmania and check this out!  It’s pretty much a museum of art that’s the private collection of this gambling guru, so there’s a mix of old awesome stuff and weird ass contemporary shit (like literally a shit machine. Literally. It eats and poops. Art.)

So after my visit, there’s a few artists that I have been obsessing about since then.  I couldn’t be bothered to provide my review cos that’s not what I’m writing about.  If you like creepy Silent Hillesque shit, check out Patricia Piccinini or Berlinde De Bruyckere.  I’ve always been a bit of a morbid unicorn, there’s just a certain beauty in the seemingly twisted and grotesque artworks. I’m loving it.

One particular artist I’m obsessing about and have had epiphanies (well, not really, but felt something something) about life and all that kinda crap is Andres Serrano.  He’s a famous and hectic controversial photographer, where he’s used a lot of bodily fluids in photos (think Metallica Load and Reload album covers! That’s his blood and spooge!), as well as taken photos of the Klu Klux Klan and homeless people.  “Controversial”, but again there’s just a different perspective and beauty to his art where for the first time I actually appreciate a photographer, where most I’ve met are super duper wankers.

I’m not so much interested in all that work mentioned above, but he did a project called The Morgue Series (Cause of Death).  Pretty much he had access to a morgue and took photos of some dead people.  But seriously, it’s not as crass or horrible as it first sounds.  I’m not going to post any of the pictures here because everyone has difference experiences and thoughts and feelings on death, but I saw one of these photos at Mona and it just made me feel…..not numb. Even for a moment.

Click here if you want to see Blood Transfusion Resulting in AIDS by Andres Serrano, the picture that has made me think and feel and shit.  I’ve never really been scared of death, I’ve always felt a somewhat peaceful release associated with it, and this picture, as well as the others, still manages to capture the soul and life of going to the other side…

SO! Here’s where the lamebo part comes in.  I went to a friend’s party on the weekend and an old mate, who used to be legit cool and nice and down to earth back in school days, but now is a massive wanker photographer (who mainly takes hipster wedding photos and glamour shots of his girlfriend) sits down to have a chat.  He starts the usual mundane “what’s been happening, what you doing etc” conversation, but me being adverse to that boring bullcrap small talk, bring up Andres Serrano.

“OMG ArtWank, you know Andres Serrano right?  He’s super famous, if you haven’t you really need to check his shit out as a photographer.  He takes photos of spooge and dead people, but man there’s a strange magic to what he does.  Look him up!”

He googles the name, sees the picture of Piss Christ, looks at me weird, and then totally does the “uhh… I have to go over here now”.

What. A. Wanker.  Like, okay so you don’t have to like it, but I always feel that, particularly in the art world, you should always be open and perhaps know your art?  Know your competition?  Be aware of other modes of creation, instead of living in your own bubble of what you do?  And moreover, screw you for being a wanker!  You used to be cool with my inherent strange conversations but now you’re just allergic to fun.

I’ve gotten used to weirding people out with my morbid obscurity, but seriously. Open your mind.

ON an unrelated matter, totally re-discovering The Smiths.  Where were they when I was a hopelessly melancholic teenager? (Who am I trying to kid saying was lol only change is I’ve got more wrinkles and saggy tits now…)

Nonsense Unicorn over and out

 

 


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A Unicorn’s Guide to Dating

For some reason my reader on WordPress is full of hapless tales of dating by men and women.  Totally not a problem, although there seems to be quite a pattern of “rules and regulations” you are apparently meant to follow in the dating world which I think is quite ridiculous (and obviously not working for a lot of people).

So, as someone who has been in many a relationship (current one 4.5 years) and never actually been on a date myself – I think I’m totes the right authority here to give you all some advice on how to go about this dating bizzo!

So throw out all your The Game and He’s Just Not That Into You bibles and guides and check out my Unicorn Guide to Dating.

What to Wear

Spending hours standing outside your wardrobe trying to concieve the right outfit to wear on your date?  Do they like heels, is my skirt too short?  Should I wear a tshirt?  Well, here is a well hidden secret that fashion designers will hate you for…..wear whatever the damn hell YOU want.  That is all.  Wear a dang potato sack or onesie if that makes you comfortable.

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But NU, what if they judge me for my potato sack?

Tell them to swallow a rusty whisk and GTFO.  Do you want to be with someone who is going to fob you off for what you wear?  Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, be you!  This coming from someone who has picked people up when dressed as a dog, transvestite and a onesie.

When you should call/ text/ email

There seems to be a strict formula out there, where you should divide the time you spent together on the date and multiply that by 543 then square root to the power of 4 to get the exact time and date of when you should contact them again.  Wrong by 4.34 of a decimal? BOOM they’re gonna hate you forever!

My homies, just message when you want to talk to them.  Next day, next week, whatever.  If someone is gonna be all “ermagherd he texted me like 32 hours after our date, what a needy beedy” then stuff them!

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Disclaimer:  just don’t be a total stalker messaging fifty billion times every second before they respond to you, that is a little much…

When should the P go into the V (or P into A, or V into V… whatevs)

My current boy pretty much is a one night stand that wouldn’t go away, and now we’re totally happy and crazy living together with fur babies and shenanigans.  Actually, pretty much all my relationships (bar one as a youngun 18 year old, we waited like 3 weeks…) have been clingy one night standers. Sooooo I reckon when your pringle gets the tingle then your privates gotta mingle!

 

If they think you’re a hoe or man-whore after that, then they’re not worth your time.  The right person will know you’re worth sticking around for!

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And I think that’s enough advice for now, or you all are gonna be getting married and loved up left right and centre!  Maybe more to come when I could be bothered – I am a unicorn after all and have pretty important sparkle parties to attend to.

 

Nonsense Unicorn


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Revenge Scenarios

People like to talk about the assholes in their life and how they have hurt them so bad. Heck, I’m sure everyone has done it – you know, turn yourself into a martyr because someone hurt you.

Resentment: it burns in the depths of your soul and fuels sweet sweet fantasies of exacting perfect revenge on those who crossed you.

  
It turns you into a spiritual guru knowing that karma baby, karma will get them.

You even become totes great mates with the horsemen of the apocalypse knowing that they’ll get what’s coming to them.

You viscerally thrive on their misfortunes because damn they deserve it for ever crossing you.

It just makes me wonder…. What about all the times you were the asshole? Because let’s face it, it’s human nature to hurt and be hurt.

How would you feel knowing that someone you hurt – it could have been unintentional in your eyes, but caused a world of devastation for someone else – knowing, that they were funnelling all their anger and resentment into you?

What if all your bad luck and shortcoming was because of someone opening the karma gates on your ass?

People are always quick to martyr themselves and so very differently ever accept their own douchebaghery.

So, I’m gonna admit to some of the times where I was indeed the asshole – and yeah sorry about that aye?!

  • The friend who I would joke about sexually innuendo-like for ages, we slept together to kinda break the tension, even went onValentines dates and concerts. And then I just ran off with another boy – in retrospect I now realise he liked me for real real and I just thought we were mucking around.  Sorry for being a heartless jerk bro.
  • That time I was meant to meet a friend who came to my suburb but I was in a depressed stupor and stood her up. Depression isn’t an excuse to be an asshole, I’m sorry.
  • That other time I went interstate with some friends and had an anxiety attack so ditched them for the weekend and went to stay with a boy (who stopped me from getting on a plane home by myself). I should have communicated my feelings but I was a dick.
  • This story is very multi layered, but I was a jerk for getting  so drunk that I let a friend who had a girlfriend have a shower with me and then he touched me and told his girlfriend. Being drunk ain’t no excuse, I should have told him to back off. Sorry girlfriend for letting that happen.
  • That guy on New Years who thought I was beautiful and face raped me – instead of being honest and telling him I’m not interested I just ran away and hid. That was a dick move.
  • That other guy who stalked me at work and gave me his business card – instead of being honest I threw his card away. Sorry for all the effort you went to.
  • The other friend I was close to and slept with and then instead of being cool I got all awkward and avoided him like the plague. That was very immature and I’m really sorry for being lame like that.

And there’s heaps more I can dig up, but I’ll stop there.

I guess the moral of the story is sometimes you gotta back away from the revenge train and take a good hard look at yourself and stop being the asshole you don’t think you are.

Nonsense unicorn


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Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen!

Whoever made this up is a dickhead. Treat us mean and we’ll want to move on because douchebaggery is lame.
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I guess the real quote should be:

Be slightly mysterious and aloof and we’ll want to jump your bones.

But take note – I said SLIGHTLY. Too much in the aloof department and it’ll be a turn off. Who said women were hard to understand? 😛

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Let me give you some examples of hot vs not mystery/aloof attitude from my own life:

1. I started dating this friend of a friend. He was in his early 20’s, had an American accent (I’m Australian, foreign accents are hot), owned a house and had 2 cars. He never spoke about his homeland. HOT. I’ll find out more about him as time goes on.

2. One day like 2 months later, he had an Australian accent. Turns out he put it on to pick me up. Also, his parents bought his house and he was paying them back. He worked for his dad so one of his cars was a work vehicle paid for by the company. Not as hot, I would have preferred honesty but I’ll continue to date you anyway.

3. A guy I started seeing told me he couldn’t holiday in Mexico and didn’t want to talk about why. I said he should actually tell me if it had anything to do with rape, murder or animal cruelty. He said it wasn’t anything like that. Bad boy hey? HOT.

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4. The same guy told me he “invested” money into a friend’s business. Thats literally all the details he gave and didn’t care to talk about it again. He ‘invested’ regularly. He would leave sometimes at 9pm (wearing a hat even though it was dark) to drop off money. Take into consideration the mexico thing and all signs point to drug dealing. NOT HOT.

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5. He later told me he had nothing to do with drugs. His friend bought luxury cars that were a bit run down and did them up and he helped finance it. I never met the friend, saw any cars, saw any photos of the cars or even heard them talk on the phone. NOT HOT. Too mysterious. Please don’t murder me in my sleep.

Yes, people have their own lives and don’t want to give over every detail right at first meeting, this is totally fine.

In fact, having your own life is sexy. Someone who is overly keen and seems to have no real life is [in the beginning anyway] not that sexy.

So to “keep em keen”:
*Don’t be mean – Use nice things about yourself to attract a mate.
*Keep some things to yourself – keep a bit of mystery going. You also don’t want to run out of stories within a month and find you have nothing left to talk about.

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*Don’t answer within .1 of a second of a text coming in – keep a little bit aloof. You have a life remember.
*If your potential partner wants to know more details about something, tell them – if you don’t want to talk about it then you look suss as fuck.

By now you’re probably thinking ‘yeah but RG, the whole ‘keeping them keen’ mentality is in respect to long term relationships, not new ones!’ Well let me put this bluntly – if your long term partner is suddenly mysterious or aloof, they’re either not in love with you anymore or are cheating on you. Or both. Or maybe hes doing some sneaky drug dealing on the side to get some money because hes dying of cancer (Breaking Bad fans are totes feelin’ me here). If your long term partner is legitimately treating you mean, you don’t like it and they continue to do so after talking about it, then that is abuse.

Yes, the other underlying point of mention is in relation to being younger. This quote totally applies to school kids where for example, a boy will pick on a girl if he has a crush on her. But how often does the girl go for the bully? We grow up into adults and learn to turn this into fun banter, none of which I would describe as ‘mean’.

So let’s all give scathing glares to whatever dickhead made this quote up on behalf of all the girls who were treated mean and all the guys who tried it out and we’re hastily knocked back. It’s a load of crap.

Rambling Goat


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To flatus or not to flatus

This morning I hicupped and burped at the same time. This isn’t exactly unusual for me but right after this useless talent of mine (I have a few..), my stomach made a noise that sounded like a fart. There was one guy in the corner of the room who hadn’t left when the rest had and as I was standing at the sink with my back to the room, I think he thought I hadn’t noticed him there. Like as if I waited until everyone left the room and was now letting loose on bodily noises.

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He made an awkward arm movement (I assume to create some noise) and then although he had just observed me eating peanut butter on toast, he asked me what I had for breakfast.

I kept casual knowing that the noise came from my stomach and not my butt.
“Peanut butter on toast”.
He awkwardly left the room without a response.

I’ve learnt two things from this encounter:
1. People are anti-audible bodily functions.

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2. We are a hilarious musical instrument.

So basically we’re making life extremely difficult for ourselves. Who says a burp is ok but a fart isn’t? Or that a burp is bad compared to a hiccup? Why is a fanny fart funny but a butt fart gross?

One group of people who I’ve noticed are above this dilemma are the oldies. Most of us have been in a supermarket and heard an old man/woman let rip in the next aisle. They’re at a point in their lives where they’ve realised that it’s not a big deal – There’s more to life. Or maybe they’re deaf. Or maybe they have absolutely no control over their body anymore. Either way, go you good things!
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But as much as I want to project this attitude of ‘hey, let’s all fart and not care!’
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Maybe I won’t when I’m old but until then, if my musical instrument toots at you or even if you just THINK it has tooted, try not to get all awkies k? All signs point to me being the awkward one here.

Rambling Goat


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Why I love the ‘uncool’ guys

You might read this blog and think NU and I are super cool, super popular gals surrounded by guys who look like models and wear fancy clothes but you would be dead wrong. Growing up we had a group of guy friends who were dorky, innocent and nerdy as anything and we loved it.

We went to a Catholic School and they went to a Catholic School but while I (I won’t speak for NU) was smoking behind the school, getting detention, getting drunk, skipping school and chasing boys, they were getting good grades and going to church. While I was bringing home a shirtless (and sockless) guy at 6am who casually swears in front of my breakfast-eating parents, these guys were sound asleep. Or waking up to go play soccer with friends in the park. Ah, such innocence 🙂
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Why they were friends with me is anyone’s guess but I now have a sneaking suspicion they were living vicariously through me.

Times haven’t changed though, I still love guys like this. Guys that NU and I have coined ‘Giggling pack of virgins’ or ‘GPOV’. I don’t mean to discredit or devalue people here – we created this code name when our group of guy friends were all virgins and it just stuck 😛
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Anyway, I truly do love the uncool guys. They’re the underdogs, the nice guys. You know the ones (or maybe you are one of them). They blend into the background, do good deeds and have them unnoticed, are never picked first in sporting teams, are inexperienced with the ladies, don’t have many friends that are girls OR all the girls they chase just end up wanting to ‘just be friends’ etc.

We have a seemingly unlikely alliance but apparently the GPOV’s are still putting up with me and I’m still reveling in their unsung awesomeness.
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I spoke about this not long ago with my friend Jake. He’s definitely not a GPOV and oozes coolness like a celebrity (but isn’t a douchebag like most ‘cool’ people). NU and I sat with him in a ritzy bar and got talking about GPOV’s. He wanted to know why we wouldn’t prefer to have guy friends who are more similar to us. It’s a legitimate query, your friends are usually on the same page as you. So I’ve decided to explain why these guys are legendary and how our quirky symbiotic relationship works.
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Why GPOV’s are great friends:
*They have your back. Good guys value friendship and comradery. To put it simply, if you’re spewing in the bushes, they’ll take you home rather than ignoring you to hit on some chic.
*Speaking of which, they won’t try to hit on you. They don’t want to ruin a good thing and they don’t actually think you’d be interested in them anyway. From what I’ve learnt from Johnny’s teachings, they’re probably wanking over you a fair bit but they certainly don’t let on to us that this is the case.
*Their innocence amuses me. For example, I have this friend who’s not real experienced with food and drink. So I keep taking him to a Japanese restaurant that NU and I love and now he’s tried crispy fish eggs, ox tongue and octopus balls (shape, not actual nutsack). As for drinks, he’s now had grape beer (in a can), Tequila shots, Mojitos and Guinness. Every single new experience was hilarious to watch, I even took photos of most of these first reactions 😀
*They’re usually free to do stuff with you. No need to try and work in to some busy guys schedule! You can ring them on the fly and unless they have some family thing, they’ll be there.
*They make the effort to do stuff with you. None of this ‘I’ll ring you if I’m in the area’ bullshit, they’ll travel to most places within reason. Having a bday celebration 1 hr away? No problems.

The other side of the symbiotic relationship is the benefits of having a semi-wild female friend:

*Learning the female mentality. Much like a guy who grows up with sisters, they actively seek out knowledge and learn a ton about how to deal with women.
*More success with the ladies. Having a girl that is a friend always scores a guy well in the ‘finding a girl’ department. It’s a subconscious thing but we trust other women’s judgement. If they were the ‘I’m going to murder you in your sleep’ kind of guy, guess what? No female friends. Ok that’s a sweeping statement but whatevs, it’s pretty true.
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*They get an insight into a different world. They can be taught stuff that they dont yet (or don’t ever want to) actually experience eg. drugs, raves, one night stands, orgies.
*They’re amused and enthralled by my stories. I don’t actively entertain them with my weekend debauchery but if something happens to come up (inevitable when playing ‘I never’) then I’ll just mention it casually and they instantly want to hear more.

So there you have it, an unlikely friendship but a great one nevertheless. Appreciate the good people around you everyone, that’s what makes life worth living 🙂

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And because that was way too hard to find just one awesome ‘unlikely friendship’ pic, here’s some more to warm your hearts! image

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Rambling Goat


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Period Blood: An insight into the greatness of a man.

We’ve all had them – bloody incidents. Period blood ends up where it shouldn’t and the proceeding encounter with your paramore or last night’s pickup is awkward at best.

I do believe there’s something good that can arise from this awkwardness though. Men, I know this is alien territory to you, but the way in which you respond to this icky incident is going to be noted. It legitimately shows us how great you are.

I’ve had 3 period-meets-man incidents in the last 2 months. Maybe this is because I don’t have a little calendar that maps out when I’m due, or maybe it’s because life finds it hilarious to put me in awky situations. It even gave me 3 ‘Aunt Flo’s’ in 2 months. Fucker.

The first was a full blown blood on the sheets sex incident with DD.
The second was a get your rags literally seconds before a play session incident with my play partner.
The third was a “Umm do you have a cut on your foot because there’s blood on the floor” followed by shifty eyes incident with DD again.

There was one amazing occurrence through this – they didn’t care. They didn’t screw up their face, they didn’t say ‘yuck!!’ and they didn’t seem to be looking at me differently. They reacted calmly and positively. They found solutions in a matter of seconds. This absolutely shows me that they’re not douchebag idiots, they’re genuine great guys. They understand it’s life and sometimes awkward incidents happen, no big deal.
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When I was younger, the guys I encountered were not exactly courteous. The mere mention of period and they would scamper across the room with a horrified look on their face. Call it immaturity or call it douchebaggery – hello, we’re not diseased! We hope.. And yes, we think it’s gross too! Except maybe this girl..image

So as much as we curse the evil that is menstruation, maybe it’s not so evil after all. It’s a natural douchebag radar 🙂

Oh and another quick lesson to be learnt.. Don’t go to the bathroom naked and tamponless when you have your rags. Jus sayin :/

Rambling Goat