Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Are you a Hobosapien?

I’m an extrovert. However, this is only when I’m out and interacting with people. At all other times, I am a Hobosapien aka Nanahobo (Accurate terms by the lovely Nonsense Unicorn).

Symptoms of Nanahoboism:
*You make plans one day, then spend the following days leading up to the event trying to cancel/postpone/weasel your way out of it.
*If you have to go somewhere, it takes a shitload of effort to get yourself motivated and ready and you usually run late (with that tiny glimmer of hope that the other person will cancel).
*If the other person cancels, you instantly become the happiest person on earth.
*On your days off work you wear pj’s until lunchtime, shower, then put on a fresh pair of pj’s, feeling productive for doing so.
*You give yourself very basic and achievable goals for the weekend (eg. Making a tart), but only end up completing the bare necessities (washing clothes).
*You figure its not worth going out with friends because you’ll spend money, then buy a novelty mug online because you’re bored.
*You’re more than happy to live vicariously through your social friends and their hilarious stories.

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If you are thinking ‘oh shit yeah, finally someone understands me!’, well, let your Hobosapien cape fly my friend! Well, mentally (unless you bought it online that time..). It’s totes fine to be a Nanahobo. In fact, more Gen Y’s and millenials are doing it. I could even say it’s trending o.O
Does anyone even go out and do stuff anymore? Pssshhh, lame.

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Fellow Hobos, I’ve got some suggestions of great fun things you can chat to your fellow Hobosapiens about (via text of course):
*Various slipper styles (sending photos is totally allowed).
*Compare the longest you’ve stayed in your PJ’s for.
*How the weather is crappy outside.
*What great TV series you’re watching at the moment.
*Video game recommendations (NU gives me these, love it!).
*How bills are so expensive these days and both agree that money sucks (but internally you kinda love that it means you get to stay home more).
*Well it’s a no-brainer, but send them hilarious memes. I ended up in an Eminem meme spiral yesterday so let me share some with you for this #throwbackidontknowwhatdayitis :

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And if you’re looking for activities to keep you inside/entertain you while you’re avoiding society then try these out for size:
*Craft projects (but read this first).
*Read a book.
*Convince yourself you should go and cook up some amazing dish and then realise you CBF and just make a sandwich. Remember, sandwiches are amazing too.
*Video games.
*Draw plans of stuff you want to do (don’t worry, you don’t actually have to do them 😉 ).
*Turn some music on and dance around the kitchen with your pets. I did this yesterday, highly recommended for it’s hilarity and feel-good factor!

Don’t feel bad about doing a whole lot of nothing my humble Hobofolk, band together (mentally) and stay warm, comfortable and entertained in your comfort zone!
I’ve got yo back!

Rambling Goat

 

 

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Simple!

**Found a few drafts from a while back, so I’m booking them in to be future posts, huzzah!**

I’m on the train and as you do, overheard a few converstaions.

Kid – I have diabetes!
Other Kid – I like apples!

The ladies in front of me talking about prescription glasses.

I listen back to the kids – I like green ones! (still talking about apples)

Why can’t life just stay that simple??

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Rambling Goat


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I’m back! Kinda..

Sorry gang, it’s been a while since I posted. Long story short I bought a house interstate, moved into it, moved my grandma in as a flatmate (definite post material there!) and have moved my attention more to Fetlife because I’m a filthy sluzzbag and have forgotten to try and help others with my awkwardness and eccentric logic. My bad!

I also got the first proper permanent (or ‘ongoing’ as it seems to be called now) job I’ve ever had. At age 30… Gen Y’ers, I know you feel me!

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For those interested, I’m still with DD (but living in different states is working out WAY better), and have 2 potential partners close to home.

Conclusion: I’m super fekkin busy and haven’t had time/energy/mental capacity to blog. I suspect I wont have much time to blog moving forward but you never know, I’ll try and bust out a few now while I have a moment!

Overall, life is going pretty sweet. I decided what I wanted in life right now and after a hard, rough slog, got there, yaaaaas!

Rambling Goat


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Things that go bump in the night

I’ve come to the conclusion that as soon as lights go out, shit gets weird.

The other night I woke up to the feeling of something touching my eye. In my sleepy state, I rubbed my eye, felt a small round hard object and then immediately freaked out and threw it across the room. What was it? A beetle. A beetle was sitting on my eyelid, sucking my eye juices while I slept. I had a dry eye all day after that.

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Maybe I should do this to keep them away..

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Or THIS.

This isn’t the first time weird bug-related shit has happened in the night. One time I went to the bathroom during the night and while washing my hands, noticed my toothbrush was different. Lordy, lordy me, there was a huge cockroach straddling the bristles. I think it was drinking the water left on it from me cleaning my teeth earlier.

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FYI I now have a travel cover which goes over the head and keeps bugs off. Which is maybe why they’re thirsty enough to drink my eye juices instead.. Gah!

Another great night I woke up to a huge cockroach chillin out right next to my face. And I’ve also had a huntsman spider the width of my wrist crawl on my face.

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But bugs aren’t the only oddities I encounter during the night. No, there’s no ghost tales here, basically I am my own worst enemy while half asleep. I’ve had nights where I’ve rolled off the edge of the bed, farted myself awake (I do that a LOT these days) and in some weird possessed manner, do strange things with my hands during the night (idle hands eeeek).

The guys at work still laugh at one particular story because I was so tired the next day that I had to take a day off work. My bad.

I had just moved in with DD and had my own bedroom. During the night I had to go to the bathroom and when I got back to my room, closed the door and heard a funny sound in the door knob. I went to open it but it wouldnt open. Apparently this door knob locks if you turn it a certain way but I didnt know this, especially at midnight in the pitch black. I wrestled with the ‘broken’ handle trying to undo it until success – half an hour later. Of course I considered ringing dd during this time but I didn’t want to wake him.

I got into bed relieved and got back to sleep. I then woke up a few hours later having just had a dream about heart attacks. I could randomly smell popcorn through the house. I wondered if this was like my version of burnt toast (apparently some people smell burnt toast before having a heart attack) and then layed in bed freaking out and not being able to sleep, waiting for my heart attack to happen. It didn’t, and this all seems so silly now but everything is so much more of a big issue through the night.

So I ask you, what weird/silly things have happened to you in the night??

Rambling Goat


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The ins and outs of public toilet shenanigans

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Whoever first decided to have sexy times in a public toilet cubicle is a sicko. Or maybe they were just super desperate to get their rocks off. Either way, they’ve paved the way and made the idea of sucking dick while poo particles are floating around not seem weird at all.

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The actual reality can vary though because lets be honest, we’re way more awkward and unlucky than the movies make out. To explain the possibilities of what is awesome and what is oh-so-bad, let me describe to you my last two experiences.

*The good time
My play partner and I had a plan – Carry out a BJ (and some face fucking) in a public toilet. He had scoped out a bathroom and afterwards I was shocked because it all went perfect. There was:

1. A fancy looking bathroom.
TAKE NOTE – Nice tiles and new amenities are way better than a room full of spiderwebs and cracked tiles. Thankfully this bathroom had a very renovated feel about it.

2. Cleanliness.
The cleaner walked out right before we went in, talk about perfect timing!

3. That feeling of naughtiness.
He went in a few mins before me and gave me strict instructions to press a green button to enter the bathroom itself, then knock 2 times on the cubicle door. The naughtiest part was that it was a toilet in a ‘parents room’, so we had to be super quiet in case anyone came in with kids. I definitely don’t want to cause any angst to parents or want kids to have any idea! Thankfully the place stayed empty and trying to keep quiet made it extra sexy.

4. Success.
God I love this man’s spooge and believe me, there’s buckets of it. His delicious icing landed on my face, in my mouth, on my hand, on the sink behind me and on my bag on the floor. He made me stare at myself in the mirror and I’m that in love with his cock and cum that I still remember how amazing it looked all over my face. *Happy sigh*. Definitely should have got a photo though!

(For those of you who are thinking ‘eeew penises and cum is grot’, don’t worry its normal, I feel like that sometimes too.)

*The bad time
Riding on the high of the previous experience, we decided to try it again. Being that the bathroom was in a food court of an office building and this was during a weekday, we figured it was probably just a time where there are no parents around. WRONG. Here’s what went wrong:

1. The bathroom being in use.
Yep, he went in to suss it out and there was a random kid chillin’ in a playpen. The dad was hanging a shit so we didn’t even want to wait around until he left. Stank = not sexy.

The unisex bathroom next to it was also in use. I saw a lady go in and 5 mins later she was still hanging out in there. I sussed it out when she left and IMMEDIATELY exited. Yep, another shit.

The backup public toilets in a building nearby was also in use, as was the unisex toilet in the third location. At this point I was laughing at the lack of luck we were having.

2. Female toilets are for female stuff.
I checked out the female toilets in this obscure public toilet block and there were only 3 cubicles, all free. I got him to come in and after some convincing (and checking of cameras), he came into the cubicle. I closed the door, locked it and OMFG a woman entered the bathroom.

What ensued was a hilarious Mexican stand off. He didn’t want to leave so while he perched himself on the seat, I rustled my bag hanging on the door and sniffed occasionally to let her know I was in for the long haul (we females have a weird toilet etiquette). Apparently she was in for the long haul too (after a very loud racehorse piss) and after an overuse of the sniffing technique and some tapping on her phone, I realised we had a crier rather than a shitter. After some weird hand signals which possibly made no sense, we got out of there and tried the unisex toilet again. Empty and not smelly! 😀

3. Is the door secure?
Apparently ours wasn’t. I was on my knees busy turning a slug into a sword and a youngish guy opened the door. Ummm… LOL. He goes “oh god, I’m so sorry! I didn’t see anything!” and hastily left the scene. We got the hell out of there too.

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The moral of the story here is public toilet shenanigans are very prone to failure. There’s so many variables to rattle your horny cage but if you can see the humour in it (and end up without an indecent exposure charge) then go for it. Hehe 😉

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Rambling Goat


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I’ve lost my Individuality

We’ve all seen friends go from an individual to an individual with a perfectly suited (or not so perfectly suited) goiter hanging off them. This huge goiter is their new partner and there’s now fat chance you’ll be able to hang with them without their goiter.

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The beebs before his goiter was removed.

Don’t get me wrong, some goiters are awesome. NU’s one is a delightful specimen and there is no difference to me between hanging with her or hanging with them both (I’m a happy third wheel who doesn’t actually ever feel like a third wheel).

My problem is that I have a large growth of my own and it’s giving me grief. I cant do all the things I want to in life – it is holding me back.

As much as I want to get back to my goiter-less life, I have to keep it attached for a bit longer.. Its the ultimate test in patience and is an equally awesome and crappy situation.

Let me ask you a question. What would you do for $20,000? Would you date someone that you know you don’t want to have a LTR with? Would you have a relationship style that is not exactly where you want it? Would you stay home instead of hanging with friends just to keep this person happy? Would you be prepared to lose your independence the moment you step in the door? Have little to no privacy? Have a serious talk about relationship shit every weekend?

Well that’s what I did and am continuing to do.

The thing is, he’s not a bad guy. He’s just not for me. He’s got wonderful traits, is epic in the sack and genuinely cares for me but he’s another tolerant monogamist (with jealousy issues) dating a poly girl. It doesn’t help that this T/M and P/G are now combined into one entity instead of two individuals..

When I first moved in, I told him I’d like to meet a guy from fetlife for a beer and he got the grumps. I once had dinner at the pub with my guy friend (after he helped me pick up my kayak from 1.5 hrs away) and he got the grumps. If I go out for beers or even just TALK about my guy friends, he gets the grumps. If I see my play partner, even just for a beer, he asks how my afternoon was but I can tell he has the grumps. If I get beeps on my phone from msgs while he’s in the room, he gets the grumps.

When he gets the grumps, he doesn’t say anything but I can tell. Its the way someone speaks, their eye movements, the way their body sits. We learn this through experience. But if I question if he’s upset about something? He gets the grumps and tells me I’m reading him wrong and he’s actually happy. He lies straight to my face. Through this, I now know what will make him unhappy/uncomfortable and try to avoid those situations. He’s conditioned me and I’ve knowingly let him. I apparently think his happiness is more important than mine.

And as for the friend who drags their goiter to every event, well that’s not us. He’s older, not interested in hanging with people in their 20’s, is an introvert who doesn’t want to socialise and doesn’t seem to click on a social level with my few friends. It’s a massive red flag for this social butterfly who gets along with most people. I’ve become friends with my dressing gown.

So you’re probably thinking ‘easy solution, just leave him!’ but this is where the 20k comes in. I’m saving up to buy a house. Did I mention I live in sydney with high rents, very tough banks and a median house price in the region of $900,000? While living here with him (rent free) I’ve been able to save $20,000 in about 9 months. I’d try and buy a house now but I’m still a temp at work so the banks won’t look at me for another 2 months. I’ve just applied for a permanent job at work but it’s the longest process ever – a month or so off being fully processed. I could just try and rent but I’m so close to the finish line! I’ve been living this life for 9 months now, so what’s another 2?

I’ve come to the realisation that yes, I’m a user. Living here is cheap, convenient, I have someone who cares for me and I should in theory be happy, but I’m not. I don’t want to live here. I’d be happy to date him in small doses but not full time. I’m doing what I can to help my future but in the process I’m denying myself the opportunity to meet new people who truly get and appreciate me as I am and with all the things I want. I don’t see my friends much (haven’t seen NU in like 3 months!!) and I just feel like a robot, going through the motions.

I honestly just can’t believe the same situation is happening to me again. And yes, both this guy and my ex have different levels of comfort but it’s just little ol’ me trying to make someone else happy and forgetting about myself. AGAIN.

This (and the job stuff) is why I’ve been quiet lately so to end on a good note, I’m going to stay optimistic and say it’ll all work out. Soon I’ll be kicking back in my new house talking shit like normal, ok? 🙂

Rambling Goat


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Why do we get drunk?

Yes, obviously I’m hungover because no functioning person would ask that question.

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I am unable to get out of bed without at least 20 mins of self-convincing, I dont want to conversate with peeps and for some reason having popcorn for breakfast seemed like an epic idea. I’m laying in bed with all my sheets scrunched into a mess, have a half eaten bag of popcorn stinking my room up and now after the realisation that my popcorn was past its use by date, I’m wondering if I’ve sped up my rate of dying.

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I’ve also just had to leap up out of bed because dd got home and I remembered I’d left my vomit-covered shoes in the bathroom. Apparently he knew about them already – he took them off my feet last night when I tried to sleep in them. He also told me that I’m selfish among other things and I cried.

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There’s no awesomely hilarious tale of my drunken night, all I did was hang out at a Japanese restaurant with the GPOV’S. After I left them, I then proceeded to have a terrible drunk adventure of getting on a train, getting off, finding a toilet, spewing, getting on a new train etc. One station I didn’t even make it to the toilet and spewed in a busy train station corridor. My 10 min journey home took 2 hours.

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So now all I can do is smirk at photos of animals who look hungover because these guys seemingly understand my pain right now;

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Hey life, I want to know why our brain thinks it’s a great idea to keep feeding itself alcohol. Why can’t it see when it’s had enough and just stop? With me, there’s no possible reason to keep going – I say the same things and pretty much do the same stuff while sober. I could have sat there sober and had the same amount of fun so why do I keep drinking and drinking? Ugh. It’s so fucked. I need to go back to my 4 drink limit instead of loudly deciding half a beer in that “I’m gonna get DRUNK tonight!”

To all the hungover peeps out there who are laying in a foetal position and looking for something to amuse their lifeless bodies, I hear ya. Enjoy;

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Rambling Goat