There is only one time in my life that I have been the instigator for a sexual encounter. One time. Every other time has been guys pestering or wooing me and me conceding to their wiles.
This one time that I did the talking ended very badly for my self esteem.
I don’t really even want to think about it, so I’m just going to give a brief break down of what went down.
RG and I were out partying with the westie group of friends. We were both being cheeky and messaging one of the boys joking about having a threesome. He was already screwing another one of the girls, but he was intrigued.
The conversation turned to just me and him texting and with some persuasion I asked him back to our room for … You know…
So I drunkenly go back to the hotel room and wait for him. He arrives, chewing gum like a cow. It was a weird silent kind of awkward, as we were mates but not that close, and there wasn’t really any attraction.
So we tried to get it on a bit – I don’t even know if he finished or what, it was all a bit of “wtf are we doing…” And yeah blah he left. Fucking awkward and weird.
And then RG and some of the other boys come back and we make a bunk tent and pass out.
Then the next day while I’m at home on the couch hungover as fuck I get a text message from the dude.
It said something along the lines of
Yeah I went back and fucked her. She is disgusting I felt so dirty afterwards I had to have 10 showers.
I remember my heart feeling like it stopped when I read that. I knew that it was awkward, but to read that I was disgusting?! Plus the old “oh sorry that wasn’t meant for you” message that followed.
I replied something back to the likes of “wow, yeah that was a mistake and crap and shouldn’t have done it, but thanks for making me feel like a piece of shit now”. I should have said that his tiny thin dick wasn’t worth my time either, but I’m not as mean as him.
After that I avoided him like the plague for a good few years. At social gatherings I ignored him and pretended he wasn’t there.
A couple of years later at a wizard party he cornered me And apologised for the whole deal. I accepted, told him it was a pretty shitty line to take, that I didn’t enjoy it after but his unkind words really fucked my self esteem up for a long time (yeah take that guilt trip you asshole).
Even though he apologised, we still floated away as friends.
Thinking about that still makes my heart ache. I can deal with the usual rejection due to me being a crazy bitch, but I still can’t shake the view that I am disgusting.
And I still haven’t initiated anything with anyone since then.
Conquest count: 6