We’ve all seen friends go from an individual to an individual with a perfectly suited (or not so perfectly suited) goiter hanging off them. This huge goiter is their new partner and there’s now fat chance you’ll be able to hang with them without their goiter.
Don’t get me wrong, some goiters are awesome. NU’s one is a delightful specimen and there is no difference to me between hanging with her or hanging with them both (I’m a happy third wheel who doesn’t actually ever feel like a third wheel).
My problem is that I have a large growth of my own and it’s giving me grief. I cant do all the things I want to in life – it is holding me back.
As much as I want to get back to my goiter-less life, I have to keep it attached for a bit longer.. Its the ultimate test in patience and is an equally awesome and crappy situation.
Let me ask you a question. What would you do for $20,000? Would you date someone that you know you don’t want to have a LTR with? Would you have a relationship style that is not exactly where you want it? Would you stay home instead of hanging with friends just to keep this person happy? Would you be prepared to lose your independence the moment you step in the door? Have little to no privacy? Have a serious talk about relationship shit every weekend?
Well that’s what I did and am continuing to do.
The thing is, he’s not a bad guy. He’s just not for me. He’s got wonderful traits, is epic in the sack and genuinely cares for me but he’s another tolerant monogamist (with jealousy issues) dating a poly girl. It doesn’t help that this T/M and P/G are now combined into one entity instead of two individuals..
When I first moved in, I told him I’d like to meet a guy from fetlife for a beer and he got the grumps. I once had dinner at the pub with my guy friend (after he helped me pick up my kayak from 1.5 hrs away) and he got the grumps. If I go out for beers or even just TALK about my guy friends, he gets the grumps. If I see my play partner, even just for a beer, he asks how my afternoon was but I can tell he has the grumps. If I get beeps on my phone from msgs while he’s in the room, he gets the grumps.
When he gets the grumps, he doesn’t say anything but I can tell. Its the way someone speaks, their eye movements, the way their body sits. We learn this through experience. But if I question if he’s upset about something? He gets the grumps and tells me I’m reading him wrong and he’s actually happy. He lies straight to my face. Through this, I now know what will make him unhappy/uncomfortable and try to avoid those situations. He’s conditioned me and I’ve knowingly let him. I apparently think his happiness is more important than mine.
And as for the friend who drags their goiter to every event, well that’s not us. He’s older, not interested in hanging with people in their 20’s, is an introvert who doesn’t want to socialise and doesn’t seem to click on a social level with my few friends. It’s a massive red flag for this social butterfly who gets along with most people. I’ve become friends with my dressing gown.
So you’re probably thinking ‘easy solution, just leave him!’ but this is where the 20k comes in. I’m saving up to buy a house. Did I mention I live in sydney with high rents, very tough banks and a median house price in the region of $900,000? While living here with him (rent free) I’ve been able to save $20,000 in about 9 months. I’d try and buy a house now but I’m still a temp at work so the banks won’t look at me for another 2 months. I’ve just applied for a permanent job at work but it’s the longest process ever – a month or so off being fully processed. I could just try and rent but I’m so close to the finish line! I’ve been living this life for 9 months now, so what’s another 2?
I’ve come to the realisation that yes, I’m a user. Living here is cheap, convenient, I have someone who cares for me and I should in theory be happy, but I’m not. I don’t want to live here. I’d be happy to date him in small doses but not full time. I’m doing what I can to help my future but in the process I’m denying myself the opportunity to meet new people who truly get and appreciate me as I am and with all the things I want. I don’t see my friends much (haven’t seen NU in like 3 months!!) and I just feel like a robot, going through the motions.
I honestly just can’t believe the same situation is happening to me again. And yes, both this guy and my ex have different levels of comfort but it’s just little ol’ me trying to make someone else happy and forgetting about myself. AGAIN.
This (and the job stuff) is why I’ve been quiet lately so to end on a good note, I’m going to stay optimistic and say it’ll all work out. Soon I’ll be kicking back in my new house talking shit like normal, ok? 🙂