Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

I’ve lost my Individuality


We’ve all seen friends go from an individual to an individual with a perfectly suited (or not so perfectly suited) goiter hanging off them. This huge goiter is their new partner and there’s now fat chance you’ll be able to hang with them without their goiter.


The beebs before his goiter was removed.

Don’t get me wrong, some goiters are awesome. NU’s one is a delightful specimen and there is no difference to me between hanging with her or hanging with them both (I’m a happy third wheel who doesn’t actually ever feel like a third wheel).

My problem is that I have a large growth of my own and it’s giving me grief. I cant do all the things I want to in life – it is holding me back.

As much as I want to get back to my goiter-less life, I have to keep it attached for a bit longer.. Its the ultimate test in patience and is an equally awesome and crappy situation.

Let me ask you a question. What would you do for $20,000? Would you date someone that you know you don’t want to have a LTR with? Would you have a relationship style that is not exactly where you want it? Would you stay home instead of hanging with friends just to keep this person happy? Would you be prepared to lose your independence the moment you step in the door? Have little to no privacy? Have a serious talk about relationship shit every weekend?

Well that’s what I did and am continuing to do.

The thing is, he’s not a bad guy. He’s just not for me. He’s got wonderful traits, is epic in the sack and genuinely cares for me but he’s another tolerant monogamist (with jealousy issues) dating a poly girl. It doesn’t help that this T/M and P/G are now combined into one entity instead of two individuals..

When I first moved in, I told him I’d like to meet a guy from fetlife for a beer and he got the grumps. I once had dinner at the pub with my guy friend (after he helped me pick up my kayak from 1.5 hrs away) and he got the grumps. If I go out for beers or even just TALK about my guy friends, he gets the grumps. If I see my play partner, even just for a beer, he asks how my afternoon was but I can tell he has the grumps. If I get beeps on my phone from msgs while he’s in the room, he gets the grumps.

When he gets the grumps, he doesn’t say anything but I can tell. Its the way someone speaks, their eye movements, the way their body sits. We learn this through experience. But if I question if he’s upset about something? He gets the grumps and tells me I’m reading him wrong and he’s actually happy. He lies straight to my face. Through this, I now know what will make him unhappy/uncomfortable and try to avoid those situations. He’s conditioned me and I’ve knowingly let him. I apparently think his happiness is more important than mine.

And as for the friend who drags their goiter to every event, well that’s not us. He’s older, not interested in hanging with people in their 20’s, is an introvert who doesn’t want to socialise and doesn’t seem to click on a social level with my few friends. It’s a massive red flag for this social butterfly who gets along with most people. I’ve become friends with my dressing gown.

So you’re probably thinking ‘easy solution, just leave him!’ but this is where the 20k comes in. I’m saving up to buy a house. Did I mention I live in sydney with high rents, very tough banks and a median house price in the region of $900,000? While living here with him (rent free) I’ve been able to save $20,000 in about 9 months. I’d try and buy a house now but I’m still a temp at work so the banks won’t look at me for another 2 months. I’ve just applied for a permanent job at work but it’s the longest process ever – a month or so off being fully processed. I could just try and rent but I’m so close to the finish line! I’ve been living this life for 9 months now, so what’s another 2?

I’ve come to the realisation that yes, I’m a user. Living here is cheap, convenient, I have someone who cares for me and I should in theory be happy, but I’m not. I don’t want to live here. I’d be happy to date him in small doses but not full time. I’m doing what I can to help my future but in the process I’m denying myself the opportunity to meet new people who truly get and appreciate me as I am and with all the things I want. I don’t see my friends much (haven’t seen NU in like 3 months!!) and I just feel like a robot, going through the motions.

I honestly just can’t believe the same situation is happening to me again. And yes, both this guy and my ex have different levels of comfort but it’s just little ol’ me trying to make someone else happy and forgetting about myself. AGAIN.

This (and the job stuff) is why I’ve been quiet lately so to end on a good note, I’m going to stay optimistic and say it’ll all work out. Soon I’ll be kicking back in my new house talking shit like normal, ok? 🙂

Rambling Goat


Author: ramblingg0at

Life loves to set me up for its own entertainment. But instead of me hiding these awkward moments, I plan on sharing them for my own (and possibly your) amusement. Now who's laughing, life?

14 thoughts on “I’ve lost my Individuality

  1. Ugh. My Ex was as controlling as your goiter. I allowed him to restrict my friendships and relationships. Based on my life experiences, I would say “don’t do it”. But I stayed in my marriage to raise two amazing kids and I can say with total certainty that it was worth those 25+ years because my kids are amazing. I don’t think what you are doing is unethical. Everybody needs to get something out of a relationship. You just need to figure out if it is worthwhile to stay or is your freedom more valuable. Hard choices, my friend.

    • I knew someone out there would get it! Thankyou Maggie, it’s a complex and frustrating situation and that ‘leave or stay’ dilemma is constantly on my mind.

      If my parents were nearby I’d just move back with them and all my problems would be solved and I’d be happily skipping through a meadow BUT they’re 6 hours away.. So I’ve got my big girl shoes on and I’m attempting to sort out a future for myself. Attempting being the right word! Backup plan: if everything turns to shit I’ll just run away and live in a cave 😀

  2. I know this triggered me with my own experience. Do what you need to do in the next couple of months, I get it. But please, do not make the same mistake I did… The things with your goiter won’t be different, and in my case I ended up 15 years later with destroyed friendships, no sex, not a life that I wanted, but financial security. Blech.

  3. Haha Tricycle party for the win!

    But seriously, I don’t know if money is ever worth putting your own self aside for – that’s why I’m perpetually povo, because I feel like at at least I’m doing what’s right for me sorta thing…
    But then the sydney living climate is pretty egged up right now if you want to buy!

    It’s a tough one sunshine, but I’d lean more towards letting yourself free (plus strippers and nuggets. Just saying). Can you really put a price on your happiness?

    Also, there could totes be a zombie apocalypse tomorrow which would make money obsolete – so live doing what you love!

    • Damn, you make a good point. I guess I’ve just always been poor and it’s nice to be able to see money in the bank for once..

      If I had a partner, I could just rent or buy with them but seeing as I’m on my own I just want to have a roof over my head. There’s this optimum triangle – stable relationship, stable home, stable job. You can survive with 1 of those but have 3 and you’re laughing. I don’t have ANY of those at the moment so I just feel like I’m floating around aimlessly.

      Don’t worry, I’m totes down for strippers and nuggets!

  4. It’s downhill from here. I guess it all boils down to pride and how important that is to you.
    I have a question though, if he likes talking about relationship shit why don’t you bring his jealousy issues up then? Once you see how he reacts, you can see better if you want to tough it out. Plus, good sex is very nice…

    But then there is the possibility of a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, et al…

    • Yeah I do bring it up. He says once we’re officially in a relationship, then I’ll have freedom. To me this seems a bit like blackmail and to be honest, I don’t want to be ‘official’ with someone who is obviously not into non-monogamy. So the conversation goes nowhere..

      • Ugh! It seems a little like you’re already “officially in a relationship”. If it were me, I would sell my soul and buck it up for 2 months. You’ve already gone longer than that. You can totally do it!

        To freedom!

        • Yeah we act like we are but I refuse to say so, I’m not giving someone who emotionally blackmails me the satisfaction of winning 😉

          And hahahaha yes!! I’ll be riding off into the sunset soon but let’s just say it’s midday now 😛

  5. Aw geez, you have all the luck

  6. Seriously, one would think a polyamorous girl (they are called unicorns) would be most guys’ ultimate dream! Unfortunately, and maybe it’s an opposites attract thing, you oft seem to end up with the possessive men…. So sad

    Well life is never easy and you do what you have to do. Hopefully one day you will find your peoples and all will be in synch 🙂

    • Thanks Ray, it’s unfortunate that people think they can handle non-monogamy then freak out. I’m all for ‘slow and steady’ and easing into it but definitely not ‘stop and reverse’.

      There’s a whole posse of cool peeps for me somewhere out there, I will try and find them soon!

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