For those of you who don’t know Skyrim, let’s summarise it as a medieval video game with sorcery, dragons, trolls and giants. Yes, on face value it sounds nerdy as all shit but it’s made so well that you can’t help but be dragged into the hype once you start playing it.
Let me stop all the skyrim fanatics right here though because before anyone starts talking technical mumbo jumbo with me, I’m going to say straight up that I’m not a hardcore quest-hunter but am more of a bumbling idiot. Thankfully skyrim allows for bumbling idiots and hilarity ensues.
I’m not going to give you a proper gamers review, actually I’m just going to say that Skyrim is epic. I appreciate a game where I can do all the kind of shit that I can’t in real life and this is one of those games.
Let me tell you a few of my tales:
1. I killed a woman who ran an orphanage. Before you get those glarey eyebrows on me, she treated the kids like shit. Apparently some assassin was meant to kill her so when I did it instead, I got drugged and had to kill someone else. Fair enough, makes perfect sense (?). I picked a guy who looked like a cat who told me he was a criminal. The assassin people were impressed so now I’m an assassin.
I’m sure I’ll get around to going to their den and making ‘hits’ but for now I’m trying to sell swords and shields that I steal off skeleton corpses because I want to buy a house and it’s $5000. Priorities people!
2. I paid for a guy to be released from jail. After taking the money, the guard scoffed and said he’d ‘get around to’ letting him out. I got impatient and didn’t trust him so I got into a ‘sneak’ position (crouched, soft footsteps) and pickpocketed him. Well I was right in front of him so he saw me. Because I helped the jarl (leader of the town), he let me off. I checked my pockets, the bastard still had the key! So I went ahead and helped myself to his pockets again, this time from the back. Again, he caught me. This time I paid him to let me go. However due to some weird loophole, I now had a bounty for pickpocketing a guard twice so after taking the money happily, he tried to chase me. I bribed him to let me off for the bounty.
In conclusion, I want to become invisible and pickpocket the bastard again. I just think about that poor guy in jail (I can’t remember what he’s in there for) who should be released. Mainly because I paid for it, let’s be honest.
3. I found a conjurer with a firey apparition lady. Awesome! So I walked on over happy as larry and the mofo’s killed me (death #1).
I figured they were bad so headed over ready to kill and rob them, as you do. As I was nearing the sight, well tickle me pink – a bear was mauling them. Awww shit yeah, killed them without trying! Let’s get to the robbing. I headed over to the body of the person and stole their clothes, but the bear turned around and ran back at me. It then mauled me and my lifeless body fell onto the naked corpse (death #2).
Ok new tactic. Nope, a bear mauled me on my way to the site (death #3).
Ok far out, now I’m just wanting this over with. After shooting my arrows into the rock I’m trying to hide behind (I’m a dud aim in archery), the conjurer came running at me and the fight was on! Holy shit, I succeeded! But I look around and my offsider (she’s some chic who fights for me and more importantly carries a shitload of junk that I want to sell) is dead. God dammit. I grab all the stuff off her and realise I’m now carrying 500kg/lb worth of stuff and am walking at snail pace. I’m in the middle of nowhere and my horse ran away ages ago when a bear was mauling me. I decide to go back to my last save point (with my bow aimed at the rock). Let’s make this death #4.
Death #5 came about with me trying to sneak up on the conjurer and use a new spell that I hadn’t tried before (a firey explosion). Seems it didn’t work. Also, my offsider died again, possibly due to said explosion.
FINALLY I defeated to stupid bloody conjurer and it’s stupid bloody fire lady. I saved the game and got the frig out of there.
So, as you can see, Skyrim is amusing, fun, hard at times, a massive time-consumer, random as all shit but also teaches you life lessons on stuff you’ll hopefully never have to encounter.
Ps. For Skyrim fans who are wondering, I’m a redhead Wood Elf 😀