I’m not in love, so don’t forget it. It’s just a silly phase I’m going through…
Sitting upstairs trying to listen to a disgusting statistics tutorial, I hear my bellowing and heavily depressed boyfriend downstairs on the phone crying to his mother:
“I love her but I’m not in love with her”.
My heart sinks. The computer screen seems to zoom out and blur as my chest begins to contort rapidly against invisible ropes, a swelling lump of dread scratching the back of my tongue and choking me. Woah, for a perpetually numb and stone walled individual this feeling is intense. Too bad it’s full of the usual melancholic stress and demise.
We have been having our problems lately, and we’re both aware of that. He is fucking depressed and crippled with anxiety, and I’m so pro at depression I’m like a walking ghost that no one knows the wiser is merely an empty shell. We’re like two blind frogs trying to stay on the same lily pad together. We have discussed this, we know life is shit yadda yadda, but we also decided that we love each other too much and it’s worth fighting for and all that crap.
And then I hear this.
The typical girl inside me wrote a note on a post it, took it down to him and gave it to him, storming back up to the study to pretend like I was learning about numbers and shit.
I can hear everything.
His phone call ends and, crying, he follows me up. Oblivious and in a stupor to what he could have possibly said. I couldn’t tell if it was denial and an awww shiiit how do I cover this or actual cluelessness.
“What did I say? I was talking to my mum,” he wails.
“Oh, that you love me but you’re not in love with me. Fine. Make a fool of me. I’m done”. The ropes constricting my frail rib cage even more.
“What?! I said I love you! Mum said that being in love with someone is the honeymoon when you first meet and then things change. That’s what – we aren’t in the honeymoon period anymore.”
Hoooooooold up a minute. My head is going whack. My concepts and contexts of what is love are getting all muddled up.
Yeah I know relationships change, the honeymoon period ends, things turn into a roller coaster, but I always thought it was the being IN love with someone that made it worth all while.
Does being in love just constitute that honeymoon period?
Aren’t you meant to be in love the whole time? Or is it just a temporary destination?
If you fall out of the honeymoon phase, have you fallen out of love?
Because, to me, I love many a thing.
I love my parents.
I love my friends.
I love my pets.
I love schnitzel.
I love lamp.
But it is that special, heart burning up love that tethers me to this fool.
If he is not in love with me, then what is this? Cos if I get a schnitzel I don’t like then I just don’t eat it – I ain’t gonna take the time to make a gravy to make it taste better. I’ll just get a new schnitzel.
He doesn’t get why I am distressed and upset at this. Am I missing something here?
Does “romantic love” exist not being “in” love?
ANSWER ME PEOPLE. WHAT MANNER OF DOUCHEBAGGERY IS THIS?!?!