Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

I’m Not In Love


I’m not in love, so don’t forget it. It’s just a silly phase I’m going through…

Sitting upstairs trying to listen to a disgusting statistics tutorial,  I hear my  bellowing and heavily depressed boyfriend downstairs on the phone crying to his mother:

“I love her but I’m not in love with her”.

My heart sinks.  The computer screen seems to zoom out and blur as my chest begins to contort rapidly against invisible ropes, a swelling lump of dread scratching the back of my tongue and choking me.  Woah, for a perpetually numb and stone walled individual this feeling is intense.  Too bad it’s full of the usual melancholic stress and demise.

We have been having our problems lately, and we’re both aware of that.  He is fucking depressed and crippled with anxiety, and I’m so pro at depression I’m like a walking ghost that no one knows the wiser is merely an empty shell.  We’re like two blind frogs trying to stay on the same lily pad together.  We have discussed this, we know life is shit yadda yadda, but we also decided that we love each other too much and it’s worth fighting for and all that crap.

And then I hear this.

The typical girl inside me wrote a note on a post it, took it down to him and gave it to him, storming back up to the study to pretend like I was learning about numbers and shit.

I can hear everything.

His phone call ends and, crying, he follows me up.  Oblivious and in a stupor to what he could have possibly said.  I couldn’t tell if it was denial and an awww shiiit how do I cover this or actual cluelessness.

“What did I say? I was talking to my mum,” he wails.

“Oh, that you love me but you’re not in love with me.  Fine. Make a fool of me.  I’m done”.  The ropes constricting my frail rib cage even more.

“What?! I said I love you!  Mum said that being in love with someone is the honeymoon when you first meet and then things change.  That’s what – we aren’t in the honeymoon period anymore.”

Hoooooooold up a minute.  My head is going whack.  My concepts and contexts of what is love are getting all muddled up.

Yeah I know relationships change, the honeymoon period ends, things turn into a roller coaster, but I always thought it was the being IN love with someone that made it worth all while.

Does being in love just constitute that honeymoon period?

Aren’t  you meant to be in love the whole time?  Or is it just a temporary destination?

If you fall out of the honeymoon phase, have you fallen out of love?

Because, to me, I love many a thing.

I love my parents.

I love my friends.

I love my pets.

I love schnitzel.

I love lamp.

But it is that special, heart burning up love that tethers me to this fool.

If he is not in love with me, then what is this?  Cos if I get a schnitzel I don’t like then I just don’t eat it – I ain’t gonna take the time to make a gravy to make it taste better.  I’ll just get a new schnitzel.

He doesn’t get why I am distressed and upset at this.  Am I missing something here?

Does “romantic love” exist not being “in” love?


nonsense unicorn


Author: nonsenseunicorn

Just another twenty-something year old making sense out of madness. Boom.

15 thoughts on “I’m Not In Love

  1. I agree with you. Yes the relationship changes but that feeling of lust. Longing. That ache to be with that person should all still be there.

  2. Definitely the longing to be with that person doesn’t faded when your inlove. When you can see that person as an old man/woman and know you want to take care of them. Relationship always change but what never does is just knowing your both ment to be. You feel it in your stomach, head, and heart. Sorry I’m inlove lol.

    • See that’s how we feel, like we can see each other together forever and all that – but due to the arduous times we are experiencing due to mental health the excitement is gone. I feel like this is just a phase and what we have is deeper, but still it’s so confusing…

  3. I think people use the distinction sometimes in an okay way which is the difference between early passionate longing and something that develops in a longer term relationship which is less heated but still very strong.

    But I also think, depending on what’s changed, sometimes when the initial blush fades what’s left isn’t enough. And that’s when using that distinction hurts. I used it to describe my marriage – I was in love with my (now ex) husband but didn’t love him passionately or romantically anymore. So I would have used the term to explain our breakup.

    I would worry just like you if someone said it to me it signals the latter situation, not the former. Has he shared more with you about why he’s using that distinction and what he feels is missing?

    • Yes see it hit me hard hearing that as someone broke up with me using the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” thing, so I have a pre-determined concept of what that means.

      We talked and he truly meant it in the way of “the lovey dovey new exciting feeling is gone, but my care and feelings for you is deeper than that”…. So it seems he feels that we are kinda building something that can surpass the hard times…. I don’t know, so confusing!

  4. I think you’re just scared to leave each other. Plain and simple you two are both too devasted to care for each other, but too afraid and weak to get up and leave.

    That’s not love. That’s need. Need is the antithesis to love.

    What is love?

    I’ll tell you.

    Love is seeing a human being for the shining star that is their true nature. It’s seeing that person, seeing the filthy messy grossness that is their physical being, and then seeing right through that to the beautiful perfection that they are.

    That’s it.

    It’s not longing. It’s not aching. It’s not fear to hurt. Love is the appreciation of the beauty that is another person. Plain and simple.

    So your boyfriend says he loves you, but isn’t in love with you?

    Let me tell you, honey, he doesn’t love you. And he’s not in love with you.

    But chances are you probably don’t love him either. You’re probably too messed up to be able to love him.

    It’s not a criticism.

    I’ve been where both of you are. I’ve said those words, myself. What I came to realize later was that I onced loved him, but I loved him no longer and I was just trying to make my peace with the fact that I had grown away from him. I didn’t desire to hurt him, I just wanted him to go away and let me take care of me.

    It’s ok to be there. It hurts like a bitch, though.

    • I think you don’t know me and are making judgements on snippets that I post on here. This is 1% of the other 99% I live in real life and don’t post on here.
      Yes, I welcomed the question of what is love, but I did not welcome a biased judgement skewed with your own life experiences.
      And with that I say good day.

      • well, jeez, what other type of judgment could you expect? no one is capable of unbiased.

        sorry that what I said hurt.

        but, uh, yeah. you did invite it.

        • Perhaps I judgement at all? I could just as easily judge you to be a self righteous individual using the same logic, but I don’t and won’t as I don’t know you.
          There is a fine line between judgements and assumptions, and opinions on what is love.
          What you said did not hurt at all, just made me angry that you felt the need to take one tiny snippet on an online forum and paint a picture of what you assume my life is.

          • Look, I’m sorry. I just figured if you didn’t want people you didn’t know to comment, you wouldn’t make it public on an online forum.

            …and then ask for comments

            … you know?

          • You obviously do not get my point, and are not really worth any further discourse or explanation.

          • You’re right. I don’t understand. I really tried, but I don’t understand.

            I’m still sorry.

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