Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

The Skittish Deer

13 Comments

The last update post I told you guys I was looking for a rental place. After 3 weekends of traipsing through people’s houses at inspections and finding nothing suitable, I took the offer and moved in with DD.

I didn’t want it to seem I was jumping from one guy to the next so after a snarky remark I sat down with the ex and told him the story: I was moving into DD’s spare room and it was only until I found a place for myself. I honestly thought he’d just go ‘fair enough, I just want you to be happy.’ Instead (and of course this would happen), he had lost his job that day, got drunk, cracked the shits and told me I’d “fuck him within a day.” Fair call, I did, but we’re broken up and I’m not living with the ex anymore so my carefactor is at an all time low. Adult tantrums piss me off though, there’s no reasoning with an illogical drunk man.

So I’ve been living with DD for a week now. I was already on edge by moving here because of the ex’s reaction but combine that with the whole ‘moving into some-guy-that-you’re-kind-of-dating’s house’ situation and I’ve become a skittish deer.
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Then came the L word.

Right before I moved in, DD texted me “I think I’m falling in love with you.” Ummm awkies. I didn’t say it back. I don’t want a relationship right now. Dating, yes, relationship, no. There is absolutely a difference in my mind. And in this skittish deer analogy, I was just eating some grass and he came barreling towards me with flashing lights and loud noises. ‘HEY ITS A DEER LET ME RUN AT IT AND PAT IT!!!’

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Nooooope.

Too much, too soon. Errybody chill.

So again, I have myself in a conundrum. I’m dating a guy who loves me, living in his house but sleeping in a spare room in order to feel like this is not a relationship. But there’s definitely more to it than just sleeping in separate bedrooms.

I had a beer with Jake a couple of days ago and he explained it on the pub table. One side was casually dating and the other was being in a relationship. The crack down the middle represented the line that could be crossed to turn casually dating into becoming a relationship. I told him a few things we were doing and he responded. Here’s a few examples:
*Sometimes we sit out the front with the dogs, eat cheese & bickies and drink beer. [Coaster sits at dating end]
*We cook eachother dinner. [Coaster still in dating half]
*We do our grocery shopping together. [Coaster moves up and sits hanging over the line]
*We had a bath together (its a big corner tub) the other night with suds, music playing and a beer aaand
*Every night we seem to snuggle on the couch and I fall asleep with my face on his chest. [Jake moans and throws the coaster across the table as I laugh]

And Jake will shake his head at this because after realising that I totally do ‘relationship’ things and give off the wrong vibe, that very night I went out with NU and her man for dinner and I rang up DD afterwards to come pick me up. In the middle of Sydney CBD on a Friday night.. At like 9:30pm. I was standing across the road from a train station which can get me home in 10 minutes and I still rang. I wanted to be all cosy in his car! My bad.

So yeah, this deer is now totally eating out of his hand. Well wait, back up (oh god, great pun, you’ll see). For the first 4-5 days of moving in I didn’t poop. And then I caved and went at work. Even now I can’t poop while he’s wandering around the house and have only done it when he’s not home or if he’s asleep. There’s a time and place people! I’m not at that ‘brb gotta go poop’ comfort level yet and apparently I’d rather make myself constipated than use the bog in an uncomfortable environment. I spoke to him about it yesterday and he was flabbergasted, apparently most men just do it whenever and don’t care.

Anyway, without spending the next 10 minutes explaining that most women genuinely fear being heard and smelt, I’ll just hold onto this small piece of evidence that proves I’m still a skittish deer.

If you’re at this point wondering why the heck I’m so warped and can’t just have a relationship and be done with it, I’ll present you with one final morsel that is freaking me out:
DD isn’t poly.

Previously he said he was, is fine with the idea of me being with others and doesn’t have any problems. Now that I’m here, I said I wanted to meet up with a guy for a beer and he responded with “really?? I thought you’d want to focus on us and our feelings. I’d rather do that and then in a couple of months you can start seeing others.”
SCREECH!! There’s the handbrake.

Why does this keep happening? Why say one thing but when it comes to the crunch, change your mind?!

The irony here is that he just broke up with a girl because she claimed she was poly and when we started msging more she freaked out, said she wasn’t ok with it and then he broke up with her. SO MUCH IRONY.

So yes, trusty ol RG always denies herself awesomeness to make others happy (*exaggerated sigh*) but I logically discussed our options;
1. Say our goodbyes (but I’d still be living here which would be awkward).
2. I’ll go and have beers with people even though it will make him uncomfortable.
3. While I live here I won’t see others but as soon as I move out into my own place, we’ll re-discuss and see if he feels comfortable with it yet. Apparently the more feelings we have for eachother, the more freedom he’s happy for me to have. Personally I call bullshit but that’s because I literally just went down the ‘just give me time!’ rabbit hole. My ‘fuuuuuuuck yoooou lifeeeeee’ radar was going off.

To see where his head was at, I asked him if he was interested in other women (dating/sleeping with). He said no. I asked if it was more likely that he was just a tolerant monogamist rather than poly. He grumbled and didn’t really answer. He has told me that he’s 100% fine with me continuing to see a current play partner, so that’s where the tolerance part comes in, but realistically that could very well be as far as his tolerance goes. A one-sided poly relationship could be a disaster. Or, it could work out. Who knows.

So I guess I’ll lay low, postpone meet ups with everyone except my play partner for a few weeks and then see what happens. The deer is either going to start frolicking or run off to the next park.
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Rambling Goat

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Author: ramblingg0at

Life loves to set me up for its own entertainment. But instead of me hiding these awkward moments, I plan on sharing them for my own (and possibly your) amusement. Now who's laughing, life?

13 thoughts on “The Skittish Deer

  1. Pretend all guys are hunters, you the deer and it’s always hunting season. Better keep a low profile lest you get targeted and are not ready!

  2. First: I love your deer. You’re a very cute deer. I would try to pet you.

    Second: May I give you permission to give fewer fucks? It sounds like you really don’t want to give any fucks but you’re giving them anyway, maybe out of reflex.

    A favorite mentor of mine (www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com) often gives the advice to use your words and then act based on what you discuss and agree on instead of what your partner seems to want. It’s the only way to deal with someone who doesn’t seem to really mean what they are saying and to keep your sanity. Yes, it will cause some adult tantrums on the other side, but it will preserve your own boundaries and give you perspective to keep from getting sucked in to someone else’s problems.

    And I’m not sure if you want advice on your situation, but I would tell you that you should keep searching hard for a room. Living with this guy gives him the emotional advantage to manipulate you into a relationship you’re not ok with.

    I mean, sure, cuddle him and fuck him all you want, but don’t stop doing what you need to do to be happy and healthy.

    Also: you should take a vacation to Japan. Jus’sayin.

    • I totally welcome advice 🙂 it’s easy to give to others but not so easy to give to myself so I do appreciate the third person perspective.

      I agree that moving out is super important. I have this unnerving suspicion that he sees us in the future standing in front of a cute house with white picket fence, dogs and 2.5 kids. I see myself with a variety of partners, adopted kids and a farm. So yeah, this is why I need to just stick to dates and getting to know him before calling him my partner.

      I did communicate my ‘hey, woah, the whole not seeing others idea destroys the freedom I’ve literally just felt like I’ve gotten back’ response and his reaction was “ok well forget what I say and just do it then.” It sounded sarcastic but with more delving it was actually true – he’d rather I be happy than him. So that’s why I came to the compromise. I guess it’s a quick fix for now.

      We definitely need to have a more intense discussion of why he feels like he does but to me, we’re just dating and I’m not actually ready for intense conversations yet. This whole thing has me wanting to get the hell out of here to be honest – it’s far too soon to be having dating/relationship issues. I may not even want to be his partner so I just want to keep things light and enjoyable for now. I know push will come to shove and it’ll need to be discussed properly at some point soon..

      I went to Japan last year, here’s my post on it https://turninglamebosintorainbows.wordpress.com/2014/06/05/japan-bucket-list-2/

  3. I would focus on finding your own place. Fast. Then figure all this out. It’ll be less sticky with some distance and independence. Good luck. 🙂

  4. I am totally uncomfortable at pooping around others. That is one of the main things I love about living alone. it’s very important to me. Even when my girlfriend is around it’s stressful to try to go fast and noiselessly and flush quickly so that there’s no smell… Uch human bodily functions are the worst. But we get by.

    Also, human emotions are the worst. I still stick by my theory that nobody really knows what we want. Sorry to say it, but sounds like many self-described “polyamorous” people say they want to be that but often change their mind. That doesn’t mean monogamous is the right way, because people are super conflicted about that all the time, what I mean is that nobody truly seems to know what they want ever. Good luck to us all figuring it out.

    That said, I love the term tolerant monogamist 🙂

    And yeah, it’s hard to make it in this world sometimes but finding one’s own place is important. Hope you can get the freedom you need and soon.

    • Thanks Ray, I think you’re right. Poly sounds good in theory but people need to *feel* it for it to work. It’s all a matter of trust, self esteem, communication etc and if you’re missing any of those aspects, it’s just not going to work real great.

      DD thinks we need to establish feelings for it to work properly but you can’t force feelings. Im just not ready for feelings yet. I told him I felt like someone had thrown a net over me and told me to sit there until I love them. Brutal but true.

      Hopefully I’ll be in a new place soon and be pooping to my hearts content! Haha 😀

      • I’m poly, specifically open poly. I tried being monogamous but I physically, emotionally and mentally just couldn’t make it work. I think if we were all wired the same way it would be a lot easier, but I think there are those among us who are definitely not wired for poly and those who are without a doubt not wired for non-poly.

        And OMG poop! I love to poop! I’m a shameless pooper. I’m even known among my friends for producing amazing frequent shits. Everybody poops, you know? Better to accept it, I think.

        If you wanna get better at speed pooping or public pooping, may I suggest joining a running club? Runners spend a good 1/3 of their time obsessing over their shits. You’d be the oddball if everyone thought you didn’t poop.

        • Totally. I’m learning to spot the red flags to avoid drama but I guess there’s the little optimistic part of me that hopes it’ll just work.

          Joining a running group kind of states I need to run and I’m whheeeeyyyy not cool with that 😛

  5. Walk carefully, I have a strange feeling he has a trap waiting … But then I’m pretty much suspicious of r wry one l

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