The last update post I told you guys I was looking for a rental place. After 3 weekends of traipsing through people’s houses at inspections and finding nothing suitable, I took the offer and moved in with DD.
I didn’t want it to seem I was jumping from one guy to the next so after a snarky remark I sat down with the ex and told him the story: I was moving into DD’s spare room and it was only until I found a place for myself. I honestly thought he’d just go ‘fair enough, I just want you to be happy.’ Instead (and of course this would happen), he had lost his job that day, got drunk, cracked the shits and told me I’d “fuck him within a day.” Fair call, I did, but we’re broken up and I’m not living with the ex anymore so my carefactor is at an all time low. Adult tantrums piss me off though, there’s no reasoning with an illogical drunk man.
So I’ve been living with DD for a week now. I was already on edge by moving here because of the ex’s reaction but combine that with the whole ‘moving into some-guy-that-you’re-kind-of-dating’s house’ situation and I’ve become a skittish deer.
Then came the L word.
Right before I moved in, DD texted me “I think I’m falling in love with you.” Ummm awkies. I didn’t say it back. I don’t want a relationship right now. Dating, yes, relationship, no. There is absolutely a difference in my mind. And in this skittish deer analogy, I was just eating some grass and he came barreling towards me with flashing lights and loud noises. ‘HEY ITS A DEER LET ME RUN AT IT AND PAT IT!!!’
Too much, too soon. Errybody chill.
So again, I have myself in a conundrum. I’m dating a guy who loves me, living in his house but sleeping in a spare room in order to feel like this is not a relationship. But there’s definitely more to it than just sleeping in separate bedrooms.
I had a beer with Jake a couple of days ago and he explained it on the pub table. One side was casually dating and the other was being in a relationship. The crack down the middle represented the line that could be crossed to turn casually dating into becoming a relationship. I told him a few things we were doing and he responded. Here’s a few examples:
*Sometimes we sit out the front with the dogs, eat cheese & bickies and drink beer. [Coaster sits at dating end]
*We cook eachother dinner. [Coaster still in dating half]
*We do our grocery shopping together. [Coaster moves up and sits hanging over the line]
*We had a bath together (its a big corner tub) the other night with suds, music playing and a beer aaand
*Every night we seem to snuggle on the couch and I fall asleep with my face on his chest. [Jake moans and throws the coaster across the table as I laugh]
And Jake will shake his head at this because after realising that I totally do ‘relationship’ things and give off the wrong vibe, that very night I went out with NU and her man for dinner and I rang up DD afterwards to come pick me up. In the middle of Sydney CBD on a Friday night.. At like 9:30pm. I was standing across the road from a train station which can get me home in 10 minutes and I still rang. I wanted to be all cosy in his car! My bad.
So yeah, this deer is now totally eating out of his hand. Well wait, back up (oh god, great pun, you’ll see). For the first 4-5 days of moving in I didn’t poop. And then I caved and went at work. Even now I can’t poop while he’s wandering around the house and have only done it when he’s not home or if he’s asleep. There’s a time and place people! I’m not at that ‘brb gotta go poop’ comfort level yet and apparently I’d rather make myself constipated than use the bog in an uncomfortable environment. I spoke to him about it yesterday and he was flabbergasted, apparently most men just do it whenever and don’t care.
Anyway, without spending the next 10 minutes explaining that most women genuinely fear being heard and smelt, I’ll just hold onto this small piece of evidence that proves I’m still a skittish deer.
If you’re at this point wondering why the heck I’m so warped and can’t just have a relationship and be done with it, I’ll present you with one final morsel that is freaking me out:
DD isn’t poly.
Previously he said he was, is fine with the idea of me being with others and doesn’t have any problems. Now that I’m here, I said I wanted to meet up with a guy for a beer and he responded with “really?? I thought you’d want to focus on us and our feelings. I’d rather do that and then in a couple of months you can start seeing others.”
SCREECH!! There’s the handbrake.
Why does this keep happening? Why say one thing but when it comes to the crunch, change your mind?!
The irony here is that he just broke up with a girl because she claimed she was poly and when we started msging more she freaked out, said she wasn’t ok with it and then he broke up with her. SO MUCH IRONY.
So yes, trusty ol RG always denies herself awesomeness to make others happy (*exaggerated sigh*) but I logically discussed our options;
1. Say our goodbyes (but I’d still be living here which would be awkward).
2. I’ll go and have beers with people even though it will make him uncomfortable.
3. While I live here I won’t see others but as soon as I move out into my own place, we’ll re-discuss and see if he feels comfortable with it yet. Apparently the more feelings we have for eachother, the more freedom he’s happy for me to have. Personally I call bullshit but that’s because I literally just went down the ‘just give me time!’ rabbit hole. My ‘fuuuuuuuck yoooou lifeeeeee’ radar was going off.
To see where his head was at, I asked him if he was interested in other women (dating/sleeping with). He said no. I asked if it was more likely that he was just a tolerant monogamist rather than poly. He grumbled and didn’t really answer. He has told me that he’s 100% fine with me continuing to see a current play partner, so that’s where the tolerance part comes in, but realistically that could very well be as far as his tolerance goes. A one-sided poly relationship could be a disaster. Or, it could work out. Who knows.