Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

Nonsense Review: Crayons

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Ok so I’m embracing my ‘little’ this year. And by that I mean I’m totally cool with drawing animals as stick figures and doing colouring in.
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Who says we cant do kids things because we’re now an adult? I’m not getting carried away and dressing the part with pigtails in my hair and frilly socks but I do like farm animal stickers and lego 😀

I’m no less of an adult and havent gone all weak and defenseless. I am still capable of fending off dickheads (top tip: give them that look of confidence straight in the eye like you are secretly a MMA fighter) and defending myself and friends (so I punched this guy in the face once..).

Anyway I digress.. The point is: fuck yeah, crayons are the bomb! image

So I’m pretty sure crayons are going extinct because I can’t find them in many places so my first point for this review is WTF crayon companies?!?! Are you now selling tv and washing machines?? Get back to basics!

The reason they need to get back to basics is because I’ve noticed something that a kid may not: some crayons are fucking shithouse.

You know when a kid passes you a picture “it’s a drawing of you!” and you think ‘oh christ, this kid is on acid. Or blind. Or secretly has robot hands that are malfunctioning.’ Well the truth of the matter is, you gave that kid some shitty ass crayons and instead of making a masterpiece, it drew a squiggle. You are holding back a genius and this can be fixed with some good quality crayons.

Now I’m going to get slightly technical here (well as much as you can for a crayon).. I’ve found some crayons have a more stickier, less colourful and bigger clumping wax. This is bad. You want finer bits of wax that allow the colour to go right through.

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This is what happens when you get good crayons. And these were extra awesome because they were lego shaped :O

My dad got sucked in to buying a big box of crayons from a good art brand for me for my bday. Just loudly, I love that he asked what I wanted, I said crayons and colouring in and he didn’t bat an eyelid.
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Anyway, poor dad (or really, poor me) because they truly suck. I tried to do colouring in and they kept going out of the lines. Oh yes, they were reverting me back to the coordination of a baby against my will.

Also, they looked a certain colour, say orange, so I’d colour a carrot and lo and behold, I now have a psychopathic death carrot that is red from blood because it’s been stabbing villagers.

Do not base your child’s coordination, mental state, IQ and level of colour-blindness off a drawing with crayons. Don’t do it. It’s mostly the crayons at fault.

Rambling Goat

Ps. If there is some crayon expert out there, for the love of god please tell us the point of the white crayon. It doesn’t work on coloured paper or over another colour, did you not test this back in your lab?!

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Author: ramblingg0at

Life loves to set me up for its own entertainment. But instead of me hiding these awkward moments, I plan on sharing them for my own (and possibly your) amusement. Now who's laughing, life?

3 thoughts on “Nonsense Review: Crayons

  1. White crayons work on colored construction paper and for those art things where you make swirly colors and then color them all over in black and then scratch the black off to make rainbow lines. Also, you can blend them by coloring and smudging over other colors.

    This is advanced crayon technique. You might need pre-adolescent supervision.

    • Definitely going to need supervision because I’ve tried all those things you said and it’s never worked. Kind of like the time I tried to throw a boomerang. I’m missing something, maybe belief. Although I tried to believe in ghosts when I went ghost hunting and that didn’t work either.

      I think I’ll stick with colours :/

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