I’ve been following Ann’s progress (or lack thereof) with Tony and thought I better take a good hard look at my relationship progress.
In all honesty, I’m sitting on the fence really. I know we need to stop dating because we’ve started heading in different directions and having different relationship wants, but I’m so freaked out that everything will change in an instant. I can’t just pack my bags and leave. I have made *some* progress though..
We’ve had the ‘single’ talk, I’ve moved into a different bedroom and we only see eachother for a few hours each night. We’re both somewhat disconnected but we haven’t completely let go yet. I think it’ll take me a bit of time, if ever. I don’t want to lose him out of my life.
Anyway I guess I’ll list all my reasoning for staying vs. going and see if that helps.
What I want that he doesn’t provide (keep in mind that he wasn’t always like this – our relationship has been getting progressively worse and this is where we’re currently at):
*Dates. He doesn’t take me anywhere. Granted, he doesn’t go to nice places like markets on his own or with other people anyway, but how hard is it to spend one moment a week doing something with me? If he does take me anywhere (eg. Dinner), there’s always other people with us.
*Interest. He’s never interested in what I want to do, what’s happening in my life etc. I’m sure this could be seen as selfish or arrogant but really I think hes just so focused on his own life (about to start a new job, start his own weekend business and always has friends over) that hes forgotten about me as an individual.
*Encouragement. Ok he does provide encouraging words with short term things (“you’ll go great in your job interview!”) but I have long term goals that he has shut down. I told him I wanted to own a brewery and big garden with a cafe etc and he responded with “that’s never going to happen, let’s be realistic”.
*Couple time. There isn’t a night during the week that we sit and watch TV, a movie or sit and eat dinner together – just us. There are always people in our room (mancave) which is why I now have my own room (hen den). Apparently if I warn him ahead of time, I can have a ‘bub night’ whereby we sit and chill together but a) he told me about this like 3 weeks after I moved in (gee thanks), and b) he sits for a while then goes out to the deck to smoke joints with the boys. Apparently ‘bub night’ isn’t the whole night.. I should have read the fine print.
*Fun. We just don’t do fun stuff anymore. All he does is work, go to the gym, eat, watch tv and drink and smoke with his friends and brothers. All I do is work on the renos in his house, clean, cook and chat to friends and randoms via social media and msging apps. I want to go out and do things! Jake has been getting me out of the house to go hang with him (thanks sunshine!) but I know if I see him too much, bf will get the shits. I need some local friends to do fun stuff with (Jake and NU are 1.5 hrs away) and/or for bf to suddenly become fun. Ha!
*A drug-free partner. Ok yeah, I’ve had my moments but I’m 28 now. I don’t want a partner who smokes weed. Or take any drugs for that matter (I need to break the attraction to junkies). Or even smoking cigarettes! The massive cheapskate in me sees that as throwing money into the rubbish (well actually that would be better; a homeless person might get the money and your chance of getting cancer is lower Huzzah!). The ashtray breath on bf and his stinky clothes make me not want to get close to him so intimacy is compromised.
*Settling down. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need to go buy a house and have a baby right this second, but even to rent a place up the road is out of the question for him. He seems to think he can’t afford it. Why can’t you afford it? Write up your expenses, make a budget, create a plan so that you’re not still living at home in your 40’s. He’s on quite a good wage, has no dependants (well just me with groceries), so how in God’s name can he not afford $150-200 a week for rent?
*Kinky fun sex. I’m dying here guys. There has been no privacy for us since I moved here and he doesn’t seem to want to make time for us to play (wtf honestly?!). We can take advantage of the rare times people are out but seem to get interrupted by phone calls, banging on our door when people get home and let’s just say my needs aren’t met in those times. So fuck that. There’s Sunday morning (he usually works saturdays) but he usually has a big night Saturday night, doesn’t wake up until like 10 am and by then there’s kids and grandparents wandering around and making noise right outside our window. Plug hungover bf isnt all that sexually attractive. Ugh. I give up.
What he provides that I love:
*Stability. While living here I have a bed (and even got a new bedroom in his family home), food, friends, beer. I’ve pretty much run out of money now and still have no job so he’s been financially supportive to me by paying for food (although not without whinging occasionally which I guess is fair enough).
*Respects my privacy during bigger events. It’s very hard in this house to get away from people. If there’s a party going on and I go to his room and tell him I’m having quiet time, he keeps everyone out of there (which being a ‘mancave’, is a hard task). At times I’ve given him the door key, locked the door and he just uses the keys when he needs to get in.
*Love. We’ve known eachother a long time and we do truly love eachother. Every morning he wakes me up at 4:30 am to say “kisses?” and gives me a big smooch before he leaves for work. He gives me cuddles if I’m sad and if I tell him I saw a spider in the fireplace, he opens the door so it can run out (it totally did, I saved its life! Good karma 🙂 ).
*My dogs love him. Some people say that they only date people their kids like. Well, my dogs are my children. And for someone who doesn’t look after pets all that well, he does a darn good job of looking after my dogs. I’ve changed bedrooms and he still has my dogs in his mancave, they actually prefer it in there!
*A lovely family. Look, the women in his life are obsessed with drama but aside from that they’re a big loving family who love me and I love them. I’ve worked with 3 of the 4 boys and the other one I’ve seen grow up from a 15 year old to a 21 year old. I’ve shared so many milestones with this family – birthdays, funerals, engagements, family reunions, babies, learning to drive, a couple of near-death medical emergencies, holidays (Japan with his brother and Nth Australia with the boys) etc etc. In the past he told me that if we broke up that his brothers wouldn’t talk to me any more out of respect for him (emotional blackmail at its finest) but he now says that I can talk to them all still if we break up.
I guess just bf and I living together is different to living with and growing up with his family. That’s the part I’m stuck on – I’m not just dating him, I’m a part of the family. And I don’t really want to lose them.
Becoming more of a housemate (well its not like we’re going on dates and he chooses chillin with the boys to sex with me anyway..) seems to fix all those issues but it will only last so long. I’m happy for bf to pick up girls but I wouldn’t dare do anything of the sort with a guy while living here.
That and no one (including us) knows what’s going on with our relationship. Although now that I’ve read this entire post through, I realise that we are already broken up whether we call it that or not. Actions speak louder than words as they say.
I’m hoping time will fix everything. Once I get a job and car I’ll feel more independent and probably more confident to move out. For now I’m in my hen den with 8 different gaming consoles and a shitload of movies and TV shows. This housemate is going into hibernation for winter 😀