I’m the kind of person that feels something on their lip, sucks their lips in together and then realises there’s a fly pinned between them. Yeah, that happened 2 days ago.
So with that in mind, and surely you all know me by now, you won’t be surprised by this story.
It started with a funeral. It was for someone in my partner’s extended family who I’ve never met. Still though, it quickly became apparent that this situation may be inappropriate.
Bf pointed out he could see my undies line. I wasn’t prepared to change my outfit, sooo.. Enter the g-string. Ok if you wear them all the time, you’re not going to see the big deal about wearing a g-string to a funeral but I literally only wear them in the bedroom! It’s a sexy, naughty, special thing for me. I was around crying people and staring at a coffin presumably with an old lady laying in it (or was it empty and they use the same coffin for all the services?) I felt whheeeeyyyy inappropriate.
So cue the beers and the stuffing of food into myself at the wake. The fact that my bf didn’t introduce me to a single family member didn’t help with my food and alcohol intake. Luckily his mum and grandma did so I didn’t *completely* feel like some awkward random.
Later on I mentioned it and he apologised. Apparently they weren’t worth introducing me to. I can kind of understand it but he ALWAYS fails to introduce me. It happened a week ago when we were grocery shopping – I was chatting to and laughing with this guy that I hadn’t been introduced to. Later on he was surprised “oh sorry I thought you already knew him. I’m sure I’ve introduced you before? You and him were acting like you knew eachother..?” Nope. I was turning lamebos into rainbows. People, introduce your partner to people you’re chatting to! Seriously.
Anyway back to the story. The beers stopped for a little bit back at home as we had to hang a new cupboard in the kitchen. Enter Mr Agro. His sister and I were holding the weight of the cupboard and he wasn’t happy with anything we did. Holding a heavy cupboard while being ridiculed by someone was not fun. So of course I started on the beers again. No, I do not recommend being an alchy as a way to numb shitty situations but thats kind of how I live at the moment. Don’t worry I get my comeuppance for that decision, you’ll see!
So there were beers, friends over, we were all sitting around having a good time. I end up telling one of the boys to invite his two girl friends over, both of which I kind of have a thing for. I don’t remember much after that except that one of them turned up, said she wanted me to be her hair model (she’s a hairdresser) and we both agreed to peg our close friend (for some reason bf is ok with that).
I have a vague recollection of running out of beers (I’d only had 5-6), seeing a bag of hash muffins and consuming some..
Nek minut, I’m messaging bf to get him to get people out of our room. The perils of having your bed in a mancave. I was feeling pretty shite. He got them out then asked if I was going to be sick. Ummm yep. And then because I’m clearly the hottest girl out there, I vomited into the dog’s water bowl.
But dear friends, I wasn’t done. Bf was gagging at this point (he’s a sympathetic vomiter). He asked me to take it outside and tip it out in the garden. I told him I couldn’t get up. He begged. So I tried to get up and oops, I knocked the bowl and vomit tipped out onto the sheets.
I finally got it outside and bf (while still gagging) changed the sheets. He made me sleep on the couch in case I was going to be sick again but when I got cold and hopped back into bed, he gave me nice warm cuddles.
So I’ve learnt:
*partners are good for some things and fucking terrible at other things.
*hash muffins should only be consumed in places where it’s legal (who made this disgusting vomit-inducing muffin? Grumpy Cat?!)
*only wear a g-string to a funeral if there is alcohol and good food.
*telling everyone your embarrassing story can result in 2 sick bags being donated to you for your bedside drawer. Yay, totally prepared for next time now!