Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


If technology fails #2

If technology fails (original post)

So last week we had a crazy storm and lost power, phone and data reception. I got to try out this ‘no technology’ life for 3 days and let me tell you now, there was no folk dancing.. It was more stinky shoeless hairy hippy than free-love ‘flowers in your hair’ hippy but nevertheless, I have devised some tips for when life suddenly becomes the dark ages.

*Eat whatever junk you have in your fridge for breakfast. I recommend cheese and bacon rolls.
*BBQ all your meat that is now starting to go off in your fridge/freezer and have a feast. Ignore the fact that your partner is not only driving around looking at trees fallen over power lines but never invited you to begin with. Keep cooking and be prepared for no thankyou (yeah that was a rant, men can be douchebags).
*Wrap up your frozen pies and leftover pizza in foil and cook them on the fireplace stove. If you need to make amends for your earlier douchebaggery, make cute little duck heads in the foil.

*Do not send a bunch of stoner boys in their 20s to get backup food. They will bring back bags of chips (all bbq and Chilli flavoured), salsa and chocolate. Not exactly a quality breakfast, lunch OR dinner. Thanks you bloody idiots!
*Eat takeaways. Most places won’t have power either so don’t wear your pj’s out thinking you’re doing a mcdonalds drive-through. You’ll most likely drive around for 20 mins and everyone will be disappointed and agitated.
*Ice will be sold out everywhere so only buy what you can eat in one sitting.
*Empty out your fridge and freezer on the third day. Your frozen stuff won’t be frozen anymore. That Magnum (chocolate coated icecream) will have to be eaten with a spoon and the yoghurt that is a bit warm and past its best before date will seem like a good idea to eat.


So that was interesting..

*Explore new sandwich ideas. Tomato and pickles on semi-stale bread was alright.
*Be employed. My bf had lunch and beers at a pub with workmates the same day I had that lovely sandwich. I’m poor and have no car soooo yeah, go me!

*While it’s raining, collect some water from your overflowing water tanks. Alternatively, buy big bottles of water from the shop and stick some buckets outside to collect water. You’ll need these, trust me.
*Drink your rapidly warming beer – my dad actually drinks warm beer but for the rest of us cringing right now – when it starts feeling a little too warm, sit it outside on a cold night and it’ll feel colder than your warm room. Brain gotst FOOLED.
*Yes, you will want alcohol, don’t give me that look.
*Once your beer is fully warm, just go to spirits.
*If you’re fancy, shake your head at my insanity and casually drink your red wine by candlelight.

Daily activities
*Let’s just get this out the way – when you’re on tank water, no power = no toilet flushing. So you need to tip a bucket of water in the dunny when you’re done. Depending on the toilet, you may be a little scared at times, so just make sure it’s a substantial sized bucket to cut down on the amount of toilet freakouts.
*Put soapy water in your sink to wash your hands in during the day.
*I cannot stress how awesome that magical hand gel is. For some reason while having no power, your hands seem to randomly stink. Weird. Make friends with a bottle of hand gel.
*If it’s the middle of the night, you’ve decided its easier to go out the front door than try and find the bathroom in the pitch black (why didn’t I have a torch?!) and have popped a squat on your front lawn only to realise you can’t find your trusty hand gel, spray your hands with Glen 20. If you’re a guy, stop judging me for a) pissing outside and b) actually wanting to clean my hands after peeing.
*Charge your phone with a usb charger in the car. If you don’t have a car, car charger or phone reception then fuck it, go caveman style.
*Your showers are going to be either very cold or non existent so I recommend ‘shower in a packet’ (any of those baby wipes, face wipes etc will do), deodorant and CLEAN UNDERWEAR! I cannot stress this enough. If you’re running low, just go commando 😀
*Bucket + water + washing powder = washing machine. Only do what you desperately need to. For me it was dog blankets because the little grubs were running in all the muddy water and rolling in dead animals. Ew.
*If like me you need to clean a dog that smells, I found the simplest method was wiping some hand gel over the dog’s back. Boom, fresh as a daisy. As a side note (sorry for the regulars as I’ve said this in the past), when your dog has short fur that doesn’t get stuck in the dog brush properly, scratch it’s back and run a lint brush over it. My dogs think I’m crazy fo sho..
*Gas lights are whheeeeyyyy better than candles. Hang them off something in the middle of your room and it’s almost like having power! If they run out, go to bed. Candles don’t light up much and if you use it for a bedside lamp and blow it out when you want to sleep, you’ll see in the morning that there’s a frozen wax waterfall off your candle holder. Whoops.

*Board games! The boys played Monopoly for 9 hours one day/night. Yeah thats ages but they were stoned so sober it probably would have been finished in 3. I lost every single board game we played which makes me feel like a piece of shit; apparently I have fewer brain cells than a bunch of stoned boys in their 20’s.. Sigh. Don’t worry all is not lost, when the power came back on, I had an opportunity to show them how skilled I am at Mortal Kombat 😉 Violent video games for the winnnnn!

*Do that stuff around the house that you’ve been putting off. I started a kitchen reno by demolishing the old cabinets and…
*Throwing the old (wooden) cabinets on a bonfire pile. Byeeee old kitchen!
*At one point I caught one of the boys throwing chillis in the air and trying to hit them with a stick. So.. There’s that?

*I hope you’re laughing already. Looking natural is one thing but you’re going to look like a haggard old cavewoman by day 2. Ok maybe day 3 for normal folk but if you’re demolishing a kitchen, then we’ll stick with day 2. Or even 1. o.O
*Tie your hair up, wear a hood or chuck on a hat because ladies, if like me it’s now over a week since you washed your hair, that greasy slick sitting atop your head is probably not what you want everyone to be staring at.
*It gets worse. You will witness flies having sex in your hair.
*The good news is at night, you will look radiant by candlelight. Woot woo. But sex is off the cards when you can’t tell what smells worse; your underarms or your gouch. Shower in a packet isn’t as good as the real thing, don’t be fooled!

In conclusion, 3 days with no power in suburbia is a hell of a lot different than 3 days with no power on a farm. Especially when it isn’t your own family you’re living with, you have no job, you live with stoners and you’re renovating a house with a very indecisive mother-in-law. I’m going back to the idea by NU that involves living in a cave and throwing rocks at people who come too close. Which I guess makes me want no technology and no people.. Cave hermits for the win!

Rambling Goat


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Opinions won’t keep you warm at night

social media and the interwebs has created an army of monsters:  Keyboard Warriors who fight for their opinions like its the only thing keeping them alive and validating their existence on this planet.

Hiding behind the misconstrued guise of free speech where everyone is “entitled to their opinion” and is therefore right.

Some bogans seem to think this gives them licence to squash anyone who doesn’t agree with them.

“If you don’t agree that popcorn is made from the nectar of the Gods then you’re an idiot”.

Just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean it’s suddenly okay to be a huge dick knob.

So you can keep going thinking you’re heaps intellectual and shit with your highly subjective thoughts on the world, but you don’t make friends with douchebaggery.

Moral of the story:  everybody calm your freakin farms about all the worries of the planet and accept that everyone is different.  It’s not black and white, we live in a big glob of grey.

And now I better get back to work! 

Nonsense unicorn


If technology fails

NU and I were discussing the possibility of all technology failing on earth. I was thinking a Pinky and The Brain type situation where an evil genius uses a giant magnet to ruin our lives.


I'm obviously not a scientist but it sounds legit?

But we’ve decided that although this would suck and you would suddenly only be friends with people within walking distance, there are plenty of fun and entertaining non-technological activities that could be done instead.

Let me name a few:
*Folk dancing
*Picking flowers
*Skipping through meadows
*Playing bongos
*Making a fire on the beach
*Creating a flinstones car
*Skipping stones
*Having a mud bath
*Eating grass
*Using a hula hoop
*Tap dancing
*Selling potatoes at a market stall
*Playing a violin
*Making a fishing rod out of a stick
*Climbing trees
*Making a treehouse
*Throwing cow poop at eachother (bf suggested this – he grew up on a farm.. Enough said).

See? Plenty of fun stuff!
Basically we’ll all be hippies.
But if you think about it, hippies are always happy so maybe they’re onto something?


Anyway make sure you memorise this list because with no technology, you can’t check back for ideas :O

And if you’re rolling your eyes and doing your daily Lumosity (I’ve gone up 50 smarts I reckon!), note the following positives that come from no more technology:
1. No more celebrities. Who cares what they’re doing anyway?!
2. No more paying for petrol or having phone and electricity bills! Huzzah!
3. You can grow your own food and sell a cow for a house (or build your own out of guano), so basically there’s no need to work.. Woooo!
4. You can live in a cave and throw rocks at people (NU and I like to imagine this life when we’re having a ‘people suck’ day).
5. You wouldn’t be sitting here watching Iron Chef with the chosen ingredient of ‘lettuce’ while everyone else (including your partner) is out with friends drinking.. *shifty eyes* Alright fuck this, I’ve gotta go do something.

Rambling Goat


Getting drunk over DD

I’m feeling pretty shite right now. I’m laying in a foetal position and am hungover on a Wednesday. Luckily, I’m unemployed right now so I can stay in bed yayyy.

So I guess I should update you guys.

Living arrangements
I moved back in with bf and his family and it’s been crazy. There’s 7 people living here and another 6 that visit regularly (weekdays/nights). The bf’s siblings have even more over on weekends. So basically I don’t have privacy and everything smells like weed and cigarettes (not from me, but apparently last night I contributed “booze smell”).

The only quiet time I have is mornings before the oldies start wandering around and talking painting with me. The boys start arriving home after lunch and then it’s busy until I pass out while they’re all in my room watching TV.

Like I said, I’m not working. I wanted a break from the craziness that was house renovations 7 days a week. The more that people ask when I’m getting a job, the less I want to apply for one. The pressure is creating the opposite effect.

But on a plus side, different members of the household have asked me to do things and have paid me for it, so I’ve been painting for the past week for cash. I have plenty more painting to go and a car to wash, so I feel no real desire to look for jobs yet. Mehhhhh to that.

Love/sex life
Well bf and I are fine relationship wise. He shares a joint with the boys most nights which is not a lot in the scheme of things, but it’s enough to affect his abilities in the sack. On the plus side, it’s giving me an opportunity to do more – I really truly suck on top, so I’m getting some good practice in 😀 But still, one of the times it felt like I was humping a lifeless sex doll.

Combine that with the fact that he works a long day, goes to the gym everyday, cooks some nights and then there’s people in our ‘mancave’ bedroom till 9-10 pm most nights and hey presto, my massive libido is actually dying. SO different from my last post.

Apparently there’s some thing called ‘bub night’ that I can ask for where I get private time with bf for the night. They’ve only just informed me and I’ve been back for over a week. Sooo we’re having a bub night tonight. And we’re going to move into a rental place once we save up for the bond YAYYY PRIVACY!!

Why I am hungover

Bf’s brother just got a job at the same company as DD so he got home from work and told me he saw him. I decided right then and there I needed to get drunk. Wasted in fact. Bf doesn’t like me talking to DD so I’ve stopped communication with him. I miss him 😦 I still have very fond memories and strong feelings for him but I have to keep it to myself, it’s a fucking huge Lamebo.

Very strong Bacardi and cokes were my rainbows for the night, but this morning I realise it didn’t solve the problem. The only two things that can truly eliminate this Lamebo is:
a) breaking up with bf (which would just create another Lamebo because I love the shit out of him) or
b) time. He said it himself last night “I veto’d dd but in the future I most likely will un-veto him”.

When I was drunk and the boys were stoned, we spoke about DD and it even came out that bf went on a date. Instead of us all discussing poly in a mature fashion (ha!), bf took some backward steps into the safe monogamous zone and then claimed that I made him go on the date. I didn’t know her, I’ve never spoken to her and I didn’t organise any of it! Yes I wanted him to explore meeting up with and possibly dating other women but I never *made* him do anything.

Mehhhh. I just hope in the future that poly is accepted as normal so people don’t have a fear of judgement.

I’m really disappointed that bf couldn’t just say ‘yeah I had a date, there were no sparks. I tried to meet up with her another time for play but she stuffed me around with availability so I got over it real quick and moved on’. That’s the truth. If they were all openminded, I’m sure he would have been more open and less accusatory and it could have been an open discussion rather than a RG is so cray-cray moment. Oh well, fuck it, I am always myself openly and honestly. I’m good at being me, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else 🙂 Judge me and watch me not give a shit.

I know the boys love me and it’s not that they were mean to me but the closed minded “you’re supposed to only be with one person” comments just made bf slink away into his safe zone. I’m happy that they know a bit more of our story (albeit a skewed version) but trying to explain why is wayyyy too much effort.

Nek minut, I’m eating maccas and drunk texting nonsense to people (sorry Jake!) Hahaha. I then passed out and dreamt of DD awww ❤

So here I lay friends, another hungover morning in this weirdass place called life.

Rambling Goat

Ps. I’m soooo reheating lasagne for breakfast 😀