Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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What I’ve learnt from Fetlife

If you’ve been wondering where I’ve been, high libido + haven’t had sex in a month = addiction to fetlife. My brain hasn’t been able to fathom putting together words for a post for you (and the one I managed to do, deleted itself grrr! I’ll do it again soon..). Basically the vagina is controlling the brain right now.
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On the plus side, I managed a new record – 4 wanks in 24 hrs. Apparently that isn’t that much according to a couple of guy friends, but nevertheless, that was probably my blogging time being spent elsewhere…

So my life has been fetlife, wanking, drinking, working like crazy (7 days a week at the moment) and I’m moving house tomorrow so packing and cleaning fits in there somewhere. But rest assured, I’ve been feeling guilty, so I’ll try and give you a quick post!

I figured seeing as I’ve been on fetlife a fair bit, I’d run you through what I’ve learnt from this magical and very kinky social network:

1. ‘Weirdness’ is embraced
Got a love of feet? Latex? Sloppy kisses, saliva transfer and spitting? Girls dressed as cats? Sucking on pacifiers/dummys? Gas masks? Play rape? Scuba outfits? Being beaten until you’re covered in purple welts? Having sex with married men? Playing ‘mummy’? Playing ‘daddy’?

These are just some of my friends on fetlife. And there are tons more variations, all chillin’ out, chatting to one another. Abnormal is totes the new normal o.O

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2. Fetlife encourages you to grow more fetishes
I went on there with what I thought was *maybe* one or two ‘fetishes’ – A title which I scoffed at. Surely I like these things the same amount as other people so how can they be a fetish?

Well I now apparently have farrrr more than 1-2 and I’m realising they probably are fetishes. Not everyone is into mine, just like I’m not into a bunch of fetishes that my friends seem to like. But after chatting to friends about theirs, some have appealed to me and boom. Now I have a reasonably sized fetish list that just keeps growing.

3. Bdsm is a whole big wide world
It’s a biiiig world but thankfully there’s plenty of articles and friendly people to guide and support you along the way πŸ™‚

There’s just so much to learn! You learn tons about yourself and you can learn as little or as much as you want in regards to bdsm and fetishes.
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4. Most people are really lovely
Most fetlifers have realised that it’s silly to judge – no one is better or worse, we’re all different.

I say *most* are lovely because there’s always some dickhead in the crowd. You get it everywhere.

4. Exhibitionism works in your favour
If you’re like me and like perving on naughty photos, well luckily there’s a bajillion hot girls and guys taking photos and showing anyone who’s interested. You don’t even need to ‘friend’ or talk to half of them :O

Of course it’s hit and miss though – along with the erotic models and cute guys and girls next door, there’s old man dick pics. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
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5. Fetlifers aren’t all extremists
Yeah, there’s plenty that are into water sports (urine play, not kayaking), or Master/Slave relationships, or full latex outfits but there’s plenty that aren’t. In fact, the more time I spend on there, the more I realise that these ‘extreme’ fetishes/relationship styles aren’t even that extreme. Sure, I’m not into them but some are and I can appreciate that other people enjoy them for various reasons.
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Lets be honest though, crawling in and eating poop is pretty bloody extreme. I’ve only come across one photo of that on fetlife and it was copied from a scat porn website rather than an actual person doing it at home. Judging by the ‘hard limits’ listed on people’s profiles, I can safely say that scat play is pretty rare.

So lets go with proper extremism is not really as prevalent as I would have thought. There are a bunch of vanillas and photographers on there chillin’ out and mostly the rest of fetlifers only have a few kinks (eg. shibari is really popular)

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All in all, fetlife is interesting. It amuses me, arouses me and infuriates me. I’ve made some good friends there, learnt a bunch, analysed myself and laughed a lot. The ‘wtf’ face appeared quite a few times.

If you’re interested in bdsm, I highly recommend joining the community. On one hand it’s nice to have this side of my life kept as a dirty little secret but the logic part in my brain says the more the merrier! The more people who accept us for our kinkiness, the less taboo bdsm will be. If absolutely nothing else, I hope I’m encouraging you to be more open minded πŸ™‚

Rambling Goat

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WINNER! Go Sisterhood go!

Im pretty elusive on here because let’s face it, most of the time laziness wins over thinking of writing something meaningful. Nonetheless, here I am being nominated for some Sisterhood award, indicating that my ramblings – as ridiculous and far between they are – can rub off on a few people!

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Thank you to the precious JBlondie for the nom – I would reblog your blog but I’m writing on my phone and I can’t work out how to do it! Maybe this is it….

http://jblondie.com/2015/03/10/sisterhood/

So answers to questions aye….

What is your favourite position?

Onesie – couch – blanket. That’s what you meant, right?!

If you and your ten year old self would meet and have a talk, what would she be telling you?

“Eighteen years and you NEVER finished Mr Nuts on the sega? And you call yourself a gamer…”

What is the first bit of writing you did out of school/ homework?

I used to write a lot of teen angst poetry on my MySpace blog. I had a journal of dreams too – which haven’t ceased to be fooourked up.

What’s your favourite song now?

Always was and always will be I Want to Break Free by Queen.

Flavour of the month is Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars.

If you could tell the world just one thing what would it be?

Don’t step in the goo. Also, treat others as you wanna be treated.

Okay that’s two things but they go hand in hand!

Which period of history had the best clothing?

1980s cos then you could dress like Adam Ant and be radical like this:

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Yessssss.

What makes you suddenly and disproportionately cross?

Nail biting, snoring, slurping, and people who make noises when they eat and chew with their mouth open.

How good are you at keeping secrets?

I’m good at keeping other people’s secrets but not my own (must have holes in my pockets).

Do you have a pet? Tell us about him/ her.

I have three guinea pigs who live with me. They’re the three musketeers.

I also have 3 cats that live with the parental unit cos mum wouldn’t let me take them. One of them started as a girl but one day exposed his doodle to us so we had to change his name.

My dog also lives with the parental unit – blue heeler, she’s adorably smart and dumb at the same time. Not very good at catch (like me her hand eye coordination isn’t the best) but she tries.Terrified of tiny fluffy dogs even though she could probably eat them.

If you could invent anything what would it be?

A clear toaster!

And I nominate….. YOU!

Nonsense unicorn


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My Favourite Things

Zelda and Eevee and rainbow space kittens,
Gummi and popcorn and toe socks like mittens,
Blueberry cheesecake and when Bowie sings
These are a few of my favourite things!

Xbox Nintendo and Playstation missions
Drinking the vodka til I lose my vision
Onesies and snuggles and laughing like kings
These are a few of my favourite things!

Rabbids and nonsense and thrusting my pelvis
Singing to Queen and poking the Boys’ crevice
Sailor Moon, candles and dinosaur rings
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the dicks bite, when the lamebos troll,
When the hangover’s bad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I awkwardly finish this appropriated lyric with no rhyme because that’s how I roll. Boom.

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Are You Attractive?

Simple answer: yes.

But you’re probably thinking ‘wtf RG, we’re not ALL hot?!?!’ so let me explain.

1. At some time (either now, in the past or in the future), your look was/is/will be popular:

Hey guys – Got a bit of meat on your bones?Β 
In the Middle Ages and the Renaissance you would be deemed more attractive – your size showed your wealth and prosperity.
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Girls – Got big shoulders? Untamable hair? A straight up and down shape?
Guys – Got skinny legs? Unruly hair?
The 80’s loved you.
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Girls – Got a thin body but a prominent bum?
Guys – Got thin legs but a prominent gut?Β Double chin?
The 1700’s were all over that
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Got an afro? Big ankles? One leg longer than the other?
Ladies and gentleman, put on those pants that are perfect for you (flares), shoes to even out your leg length (platforms) and get yourself to a disco!
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2. Features which you think make you stand out for all the wrong reasons are normal and/or popular in some countries/cultures:

Girls – Petite? Straight hair? Small features?
Guys – Shorter? Struggle to grow facial hair?
Asia loves you
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Girls – Big booty?
Ever heard of a little ol place called Brazil? Or Colombia? Jamaica?. Heck let’s just say all of South America, Central America, even North America and Africa are loving your buns. Damn girl, damn!
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Plump? Obese even?
You’re going to be mighty popular in these 10 countries (some of them may surprise you!)
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Girls – Boobs not so perky?
There’s tribes in Africa and South America that have your back. And front.
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For more stunning and truly interesting photos of this tribe, head to the source of this photo http://eye4ethnic.blogspot.com.au/2012_11_01_archive.html?m=1 Consider it your intermission hehe πŸ™‚

3. So basically you are either:
a) similar looking to others – you’re not alone in your looks so therefore are considered ‘normal’ (and is normal unattractive? No, its normal!) or
b) standing out from the crowd – believe me, standing out from the crowd can actually be a good thing!

Nowadays, not only is being different accepted, it’s encouraged. Looking different actually makes you interesting.

Got a gap in your teeth? A mole? Think your eyes are a little far apart? No hair? Androgynous? Albino African American?

People are legitimately making money from having those features.

All 6 examples here are high fashion models making PLENTY of money, and they get the jobs because they stand out from the crowd.

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Jess Hart

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Cindy Crawford

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Gemma Ward

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Alek Wek

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Andrej Pejic

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Shaun Ross

4. It’s all relative.

I went to school with this girl who one day told me her woes – she had small ears. Now up until that exact moment, I’d honestly never noticed them. I looked at her ears and realised she didn’t have a problem, it was me that was my problem – my ears were huge. I felt like Dumbo.

This sounds completely stupid of course, but there were only two of us there. So who has the unattractive ears? Well no one. To know who’s more ‘attractive’ I’d need to know if big ears or small ears were popular and I’d need to see a range of ears before deciding if our ears were actually big or small.

To a giraffe, a tall person is small. To an ant, a short person is a giant. To an elephant, an obese person is thin.

So who are we comparing ourselves to? Obviously not John Smith down the street, because he’s no match for Becks. So apparently ‘attractive’ people make the magazines where the ‘average’ and ‘ugly’ folk don’t. And just to make sure we feel like a sack of shit on comparison, attractive people are photo shopped, have loads of makeup on and covered in fancy clothes and jewellery.

But before you go thinking “yeah, fuck you celebrities and models!”, just remember they get criticised in other magazines when they look their natural self, go figure! Magazines, movies, the red carpet/award ceremonies and advertising are subconciously harboring unrealistic expectations of us.

Right here, right now, I can promise you one thing – if I ever end up famous, I won’t wear makeup, I won’t wear fake nails and I won’t wear clothes based on the label. I won’t be wearing some big glitzy gown down the red carpet and I won’t be wearing millions of dollars worth of jewellery. I’ll be the semi-natural one (sorry but I love dying my hair and having shaved legs – let’s not get too carried away!) who will probably appear in the ‘stars without makeup’ section of the gossip mags. But check me out not giving a shit.
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Being yourself, comfortable and confident is absolutely attractive. And can they really tell me I’m ugly without makeup if they’ve never seen me WITH makeup? Ha! Totally messing with the system πŸ˜‰

So getting back to ‘its all relative’ and comparisons I’ll say this; comparing yourself to others in an attempt to work out attractiveness is a waste of time. I can’t tell the difference between a hot dolphin and an ugly one, they’re both cute and I want to touch their noses πŸ™‚
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5. Apart from all that, everyone is attracted to different people for different reasons.

I love redheads (possibly due to #3b)
Apparently I’m also attracted to junkies (is it the wounded bird mentality?)
I love quirky people, blokey blokes, gentlemen, older men, younger men, girls with a beer in their hand, girls with a STEIN in the hand, lipstick wearing girls, people with unusual coloured hair, guys with beards, girls with big boobs, medium boobs, small boobs, tattooed people etc etc.

The fact of the matter is, we are all attracted to some people but not others. It’s way too hard to analyse. And I’ve only really scraped the surface based on looks – There’s also style, personality, idiosyncracies, age, gender, hobbies and more to add into it!

I’m terrible at maths but my calculations say there are going to be stacks of people who don’t find you attractive, but that doesn’t make you an unattractive person. Not by a long shot. You’re very attractive. I’m even going to go ahead and say you’re downright sexy. Someone out there is going to high 5 me in agreement and then maul the shit out of you.

And the next time someone doesn’t like the look of you for whatever reason, remember that somewhere, at some time, to someone, you’re the sexiest person alive.

Rambling Goat


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Happy Mardi Gras!

The annual Mardi Gras are happening in Sydney tonight and I’m so sad I can’t be there 😦 I’m in the mood to party! Theres 140 floats this year shiiiiit yeaaaah!

I know you Americans have a Mardi Gras but I’m confused – Wikipedia tells me it’s a Christian parade but Johnny just told me if girls show their boobs they get necklaces. Uhhhh what? Please enlighten me!

And I’ll attempt to enlighten you with the awesomeness that is The Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras πŸ˜€

As I’m in the party mood, I’m drinking and going to be completely lazy by copying from wikipedia and putting up a bunch of photos!

Mardi Gras, is an annual LGBTQI pride parade and festival in Sydney, Australia, attended by hundreds of thousands of people from around Australia and overseas. It is one of the largest such festivals in the world and includes a variety of events.

The event grew from gay rights marches held annually since 1978, when numerous participants had been contentiously arrested by New South Wales Police.

The Mardi Gras Parade maintains a political flavour, with many marching groups and floats promoting LGBTQI rights issues or themes.

Reflecting changes since the first Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, participants in the Mardi Gras Parade now include groups of uniformed Australian Defence Force personnel, police officers from New South Wales State Police, as well as interstate and federal police officers, firefighters and other emergency services personnel from the Australian LGBTQI communities.

Marriage equality was a dominant theme in the 2011 Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Parade with at least 15 floats lobbying for same-sex marriage.

And let my intoxicated self give a big ol ‘fuck you’ to our prime minister for still not allowing gay marriage. His sister is a lesbian and in a long term relationship. He’s a straight up homophobic douche, it’s 2015! *end rant*

Now, back to partying!!

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Rambling Goat


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How I got from Mono to Poly

Maggie (from A Question of Lust – check her out!) asked how all this came about. Instead of doing a long comment reply, I thought I’d just tell you all how I got to the point I’m at now.

I was monogamous. I’d had bfs. One guy in particular was staying up late at night talking to girls (he was a muso and he had ‘fans’ on his MySpace page) and they were even msging his phone. I really thought if he hadn’t already cheated that he probably would in the future. I thought he was a douche (and consequently dumped him over that and many other reasons) but started noticing this little jealousy streak of mine. I guess I just didn’t trust what he said.

In the beginning with The Hulk, he had a female friend. They’d travelled overseas together, grew up together, we’re close friends. He had another girl friend but this one girl bugged me for some reason. It probably didn’t help that she wasn’t overly friendly..
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I was jealous. I told him. He said I was crazy, there was no need to be. Their friendship was going downhill anyway so they ended up hardly talking. I feel bad about it now and have said so but he ensures me it wasn’t my fault. Phew!

But I guess the point with both those examples was that I wasn’t comfortable with my bf giving attention to other girls. I wasn’t just ‘cool with it’ from the beginning! πŸ˜›

The Hulk and I dated for 2-3 years when I realised I was attracted to a girl friend of his brothers. And she was to me. I’d known her right from the beginning and when I first met her I asked her “have we met before? You seem really familiar..”.

Sidenote: I think there’s something in that. Maybe we’re *meant* to meet certain people in life and to ensure it, they just seem instantly familiar or comfortable to us. Bf and I had these same feelings about each other when we first started chatting.. That or I’m making something out of nothing? :/

Anyway, I told him completely honestly that I had feelings for her and that I was worried – if I was going to be with him forever I’d never get to explore these feelings. I’d kissed plenty of girls and appreciated that they were pretty but never LIKED any or slept with any. I knew I didnt want to break up with him but I also didnt want to miss out on the girl side of things.

I stumbled across the word ‘polyamory’ and did research. I couldn’t seem to find much info about it (nowadays theres TONS of great info) but figured it was out there and doable so that gave me a bit of confidence. I knew I loved him and liked her more than just friendship, so I was already seeing it in action!

His response “I don’t want to hold you back, explore your feelings with her”. So I did πŸ™‚ we went on dates, had some hilarious awkward and terrible sex and it was fun.
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It was hard because her sister and flatmates, bfs friends and most of bfs family (who I was living with at the time) didn’t know. Add into that scenario that she had only slept with one other girl and I had nfi about dating or sleeping with girls. I felt like a school kid making up stories and sneaking around. I felt awkward holding her hand and if people stared at us I got embarassed.

Bf was really supportive and encouraging. He would say “how was your date girls?” and we’d giggle and say “gooood” in unison. NU even hung out with us a few times πŸ™‚

The girl ended up asking me to break up with bf so I could be with her fully (looking back now I should really have spent more time with her and messaged her more). I said no. I guess this showed bf I wasn’t going to leave him for a girl. Oh well, that didn’t end things. It ended when I moved for a job opportunity (where I am now). I lost both of them.

Thankfully The Hulk has come back and we’re doing long distance now, but last I heard of the gf, she had a bf and had moved interstate with him. I’d send ‘how are you?’ msgs occasionally but she stopped replying, I guess she was busy with her new romance. Anyway being poly with a girl was tried and tested and had worked in our relationship.

I’d slept with other guys in the time we’d been split up but after getting back together with bf I realised I had feelings for one of them, a long time friend and both my and bfs ex boss – DD. I’d explored this older men idea for the sake of a blog post here but actually loved it. I also realised through wordpress that we had a dd/lg dynamic (explains his ‘name’).

But bf wasn’t so pleased with this one (because it was a guy). He swapped and changed his mind which can be seen in these posts:
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Somewhere along the way I told him my cuckquean feelings and we had been getting progressively kinkier so he decided to get on fetlife to learn more.
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He got chatting to girls (which we both loved) and yesterday he went on his first date πŸ˜€

So it’s been a long and winding path to get here but I’m happy! I feel comfortable with where we’re at πŸ™‚ There’s plenty more to go – more momentous occasions, more emotions to feel and more discussions to have, but we’re getting there slowly but surely πŸ™‚

In regards to what I want (part of the original question Maggie asked), my ultimate would be to have bf, dd back as a partner and a gf/female playmate.
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I’d love bf to have a gf and/or fwb. And I guess it’d be a bonus if his gf/fwb was/were ok with cuckquean scenes. It’s not exactly like I’d feel the need to sit and watch them have sex everytime (I’m not actually a voyeur) but having designated cuckolding playtimes occasionally would be nice πŸ™‚

Really though, him finding a nice partner is higher on the priority list than us finding someone for cuckolding scenes. So I’m giving him his distance with this dating thing and letting him just enjoy it for what it is.
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So all together in my mind it looks like this:

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Haha well not Friends characters but there is truly no good poly pics out there that suit!

Through all this though, I have to go at bfs pace. I’m the excitable hare with the radical ideas and he’s the tortoise going along slow and steady. I hear through the grapevine that the tortoise wins so slow it is! Hehe πŸ™‚
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I guess I should note here that we’re all different – we all have different interests and different ways we want to live our life. I’m happy to give out my story in the hope that it’ll raise awareness of diversity and also because lets face it, us bloggers love to spill the beans πŸ˜›

RamblingGoat


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The Hulk has a date!

In about an hour he’s going on a date and I couldn’t be more excited!

Ok it’s nothing fancy, he’s going to a pub after work for drinks with a girl from fetlife. He caught the train (so he can drink more than if he was driving) but apart from that I know nothing.

Its his first personal venture outside the world of monogamy and I don’t want to scare him by asking a bunch of questions and getting more details. So I’ve supported him through his nervous state and now he’s on his own.

To him, I seem as cool as a cucumber and am encouraging. But inside, this is happening..
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You see, apart from being poly, I’ve also discovered I’m a cuckquean.

Basically I love seeing/hearing him:
*Talk to girls
*Flirt with girls
*Get cheeky photos from girls
*Meet up with girls
*Have sex with girls

I’m keen to hear and watch his sexy times with them too (only with their consent of course, I’m no peeping Tom!)

Sidenote: Some cuckqueans/cuckolds (male equivalent) like to be humiliated/degraded (ie. ‘The new girl is so much better than you’) but that’s not appealing to me.

So with all that in mind, if this were to happen:

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Some girls might go ahead and react like this:

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But I react like this:
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For years he thought that my telling him he can sleep with and date who he wants was a ‘trap’ because he consulted his vanilla, monogamous friends who I guess didn’t understand that people like me legitimately exist.
But by going today I know he finally believes me and is comfortable enough to explore it. He’s testing the waters for the both of us.

So I’m trying (and failing) to calm down and not get too excited.. It’s just a big step for him, I’m so proud πŸ˜€
I’m just happy that he’s happy.

RamblingGoat