Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

Protective Headgear Suggestions

12 Comments

I was watching the news (very very rare occurrence – it was only because I was sitting with my folks and it came on) and saw a war journalist wearing a bullet proof vest but nothing protecting his head. Uhhhh what?!

Ok so they do a great job and I’m in no way discrediting the work they do, I’m just saying god dammit, a bullet proof vest is not enough! Not covering the head with any sort of protection is ludicrous.

I will admit, I’ve seen some journalists in the past wearing helmets but they’re like old bike helmets.
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Where’s the face protection in that?! Seriously there would be no chance of me reporting where I’m clearly letting myself completely open for a face shot (ooh yeah double entendre!), but that’s also because I’m not a journalist.

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In the words of Wu Tang Clan - protect ya neck! Good attempt but really, its not even high enough to do that.. No wonder she looks pissed.

But its ok journalists reporting in the field, I’ve got a few solutions for you as a base. Feel free to use these ideas to create an awesome helmet for your next breaking news.

Starting from the oldies but goodies:
1. Medieval Knight Helmet
Well this would have been a breakthrough back in the day. Some guy is wearing a coconut and then a knight in shining armour turns up. Coconut guy is screwed. That may or may not be accurate and I bet you’re all thinking of Monty Python now.. Haha clippity clop!

Anyway I believe this to be an oldy but a goody. If guys can joust wearing one, I’m pretty sure you can report a story wearing one. The bonus is you may actually blind your assailant with the sun glare off your helmet! Take that!
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Feel free to wear the whole suit if you so desire, you might even pick up a fair maiden ๐Ÿ˜‰

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What you *could* look like. Heath ledger the sexy mofo (or the equivalent in women)

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More realistic version of what you'd look like.. Awkward as all hell and in need of some oiling of your joints.

2. Ned Kelly bushranger helmet
You Americans have uhh whoever you have but us Australians have Ned Kelly. He’s a criminal bushranger that was alive in the 1800’s who made himself a helmet to avoid being killed. He also had a metal vest/apron type scenario similar to the bullet proof vest.

And yes, running theme, Heath Ledger covered that in a movie too. What a legend.

Ned sounds like he gave his personal protection some thought but like my dad said when I asked how the police managed to capture him “they shot him in the legs then just walked up to him when he was on the ground.” He was then executed by hanging. Don’t let that put you off..

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He even thought to cover the goolies with this fetching metal skirt! Hahaha onya Ned!

3. Divers helmet
Its a no brainer really – thick, basically impenetrable. You can barely see and probably can’t run away anyway due to the weight but for the sake of standing there and doing a news story its pretty epic as a choice.

Well really, due to the weight, you may have to lay on the ground instead of standing but this is helpful because to the untrained eye, you also look deceased. Who shoots a dead body? Nobody, that’s who.
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4. Welding mask.
You’ve got the little rectangle to see through, and bonus with this one is you can pivot it upwards if you need to have a drink or eat a sandwich. Practical!

Also, if there’s any bright flashes (like a flash bomb), you can totally escape the area while everyone is on the floor clutching their eyes and screaming “my retinas!!”

Seems they’re a fashion statement too with plenty of designs. This could either be a positive (shooter decides you’re awesome due to your helmet pattern and high 5’s you instead) or a negative (you become a walking target, get shot in the leg then have your helmet stolen). Its 50:50.

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5. Motorcycle helmet
Similar to the welding mask but it offers more reasonable protection, allows for a awesome looking quick getaway (presuming you have a motorbike handy) and again, comes in awesome styles.

These days they even have inbuilt speakers and microphones so I guess that guy who holds the fuzzy stick is out of a job. Oops.

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Worried that the viewers will complain about not being able to see your face? Totally fixable.

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"I saw the bomb go off first hand!"

Other suggestions (by my dad) that didn’t make the cut:
*Bucket
*Saucepan
And then after telling him my ideas:
*Bucket with chainmail draped over the top

My mum then pointed out that his options were both versatile in the field “you could use the saucepan to cook your dinner in the trenches!”.
My response “what other use do you have for the bucket? To pee into?! Nooopeee you won’t wanna put that one back on..” :/

On repurposing materials aka the cheapskate options, maybe you could go a KFC bucket like the legendary Buckethead. Although the difference there is, my dad wanted the bucket all the way down with 2 eye holes. Buckethead obviously realised that KFC gives you pimples, especially when you dunk your face into the greasy bucket. Smart man.
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If you haven’t heard of Buckethead, get out from under your rock! ๐Ÿ˜› He is one of greatest guitar players of all time (seriously!) and highly respectable – his skill is the only point of admiration, not his looks/personal life. Watch this and prepare to be amazed (if you only want a small snippet, start watching at 4:00) http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dyQJH615KwA

Ok consider that your musical interlude and let’s get back to the topic at hand.. Haha

If at this point you’re thinking all of these suggestions are ridiculous and you’d prefer to stick with the classic open-faced helmet, then for gods sake, keep your back to them and fool them with this..

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"Oh! You got me! My poor fragile head was hit!" Hehehehheh... Not. *play dead*

And some other honourable/not so honourable mentions:
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There really is endless possibilities (I didn’t want to delve into Darth Vader, Stormtroopers and Halo).
I’m actually starting to realise how boring a face is.. Why can’t we have ALL our newsreaders wearing random helmets?? Bare faces are for losers! Hahaha

Personally, my favourite for the budding war journalist is…
*drumroll…….*

A motherfuckin badass Predator motorbike helmet.
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No one with half a brain is going to mess with you, this is most epic helmet I’ve ever seen. You could face the terrorist leader in this thing and watch him piss his pants. There’s your news story.

Couple of interesting side notes:
A) Plenty of options so your camera guy can join in the fun too
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B) Apparently it can be a cute date idea.. Ha!
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Don’t forget to pick her flowers on the way!
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C) No matter what you do, you still look like a badass that should not be messed with.
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And apparently I’m not the first person to think of this as the perfect war helmet..

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Journos, speak up for your rights, get yourself feeling safer and claim your ‘safety helmet’ on tax. You totally deserve it.

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Rambling Goat

Ps. For the procrastinators and history buffs, check these ones out! http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread1026832/pg1&mem=

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Author: ramblingg0at

Life loves to set me up for its own entertainment. But instead of me hiding these awkward moments, I plan on sharing them for my own (and possibly your) amusement. Now who's laughing, life?

12 thoughts on “Protective Headgear Suggestions

  1. TV Reporters/Anchors and intelligence can (and frequently is) mutually exclusive! Besides…nothing is bullet proof, only resistant! Cannot look “dorky” on TV you know! Ratings are about perception, not content!

    Okay, so I woke up today a bit cranky….

    ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • I would totally watch the news if they wore awesome random outfits! But I don’t watch the news because to put it simply, I find it boring. There’s my perception LOL

      Anyway I know people are willing to put their life on the line to report back to us, and I absolutely applaud their dedication (and hope they’re getting paid handsomely for doing so) but I’m concerned for their safety. Maybe what they need is a pope-mobile!

      You don’t sound cranky to me? ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. The kevlar helmet weighs too much for civilians that are not use to it, so when they move their heads they tend to dislocate their necks, plus that woman reporter was hot, you really want to put a helmet on that beauty?

  3. Until you’ve worn that gear you can’t imagine how uncomfortable, hot and heavy it is. A head wound is usually fatal. Anything less than military-grade I wouldn’t bother with.

  4. Lol as I’m reading all I can think of is the movie Dumb and Dumber when Harry gets shot in the chest and wearing a bullet proof vest. Lloyd asks him “What if you got shot in the face?”. Lmao!! Have you ever seen that movie?! Hilarious.

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