I hope you all had a lovely Xmas and New Years 😀 Its basically law to get wasted and eat too much so I’ve got no hard feelings toward myself and neither should you.
I feel terrible for not being on here so much over the break but apparently I’m on my tablet too much.. Booo! But don’t worry I’m back now 😉
I suppose you’ll want a summary of whatever debauchery I can legitimately remember and I’m happy to accommodate. This is mainly because I’m in the backseat of my parents car for a 5 hour trip, have watched all the episodes of archer I have on my tablet and am sitting next to 2 small dogs, one (or both) of which stink of anus. I unfortunately know the smell of anal glands quite well after visiting the vet a few months ago and watching him “empty” them for my dog.
In other ‘why this trip home sucks’ news, I busted my dad taking a photo of me sleeping next to these stanky dogs (pretty sure my mouth was open too) but instead of face palming and wondering if that will end up on Facebook, I’ll do this post.
Here’s a handy tip: do not remove your headphones while on a road trip with your folks. It sounds cruel but last time I did there was a lengthy convo on weather. Noooot in the mood for senior cit convos.. I need my chill time. And wtf because they don’t even play music or have the radio on, it’s just silence?! *twitching*
You’re probably at this point wondering why I’m not perusing Facebook or looking at peoples meals on Instagram but apart from the fact that I dislike social media and people knowing my shit (ironic no?), I’m also a massive cheapskate aka poorer than a homeless person. My bank balance is -$70 and (thankfully) I do prepaid credit so I have no credit in my phone. No internet to amuse myself with till I get home to wifi 😦
Ok ok enough rambling, here’s what went down during the christmas break:
*I met up with Sharn, JohnnyID, bestie NU and the petplay guy from fetlife. Bf came too (NU’s wanted to come but was feeling sick), so we hung out, drank, ate, laughed our heads off and had a ball. No vomiting in a gutter thankfully! I was planning on doing an interview but with non-bloggers hanging with us I figured it would be weird. That and I’m lazy. Will catch up again next year! Can’t wait 😀
*That same night I stayed in an old pub which looked haunted.
I had a lotttt of orgasms and then woke up to the sight of a children’s plastic cricket bat jammed in the fireplace. I asked bf if we found that while drunk the night before and he said no, he hadn’t noticed it there and if he did, he would have spanked me with it! Haha! Teach a man to fish…
But yeah, pretty much assumed it was a ghost manoeuvre. Which suddenly seemed awkward due to all the sexy times the ghost may have watched (yeah I can’t even be a exhibitionist to a ghost! LOL).
Here’s a pic of the stairway to our room complete with creepy olden day photos, paintings and a deer head..
And the cricket bat..
*I spent Xmas eve at bf’s dad’s place wearing a onesie. Not a long warm one in the shape of a dinosaur, it was a cotton playsuit one covered in little lemons. Bf picked it out and I thought I looked a bit frumpy like this:
But actually it was a hit. Until a 21 year old female family friend turned up in a black see-through onesie.. Cue cigars, beers and perving with the boys ❤
*Christmas was pretty good, there was a big water fight with supersoakers, water bombs and eventually buckets of cold water, swimming, alcohol, tons of food etc.
I told bf all I wanted for Xmas was to speak to dd normally again. For a quick recap, dd is an older man that means a lot to me and although I'm poly, bf is struggling with the idea of me dating another man. Baby steps. Anyway he had us only having 'friend' convos which was doing my head in so now he's agreed to let me talk normally to him again 😀 so excited! Best present evvvooorrr. First msg I sent to dd after telling him the good news:
*After chrissy we spent close to a week with my family out bush (farmland area) where there was more drinking, eating and visiting a couple of gardens (it’s what gardeners do on holidays ok? 😛 ).
*For NYE I had planned on just sleeping but was guilted into going out. One of bfs friends is super egotistical and his gf never talks so a dinner with them? Mehhhhh I just didn’t want to go. But another guy friend came with us so I figured it wouldn’t be so bad.. I warned bf and the nice friend that I was going to be wasted. They were cool with it. So I got drunk as shit 🙂 Apparently I was lovely and the couple didn’t seem as bad (or was this because I was drunk?). I vaguely remember ending up at some bowling club for dinner that was full of old guys and closed at 9pm – egotistical guy hadn’t organised dinner on the beach like he’d originally told us.
We ended up back at his house where I proceeded to tell the nice friend that I’d “heard through the blogs that Plenty of Fish was full of weirdos and Ok Cupid wasn’t entirely bad”. Oh and to also try fetlife. Apparently he said his sister put him on a dating site and he was actually complaining about it, so i’m not sure that my *helpful* suggestions were helpful. Bf freaked out when I mentioned fetlife and the boys all conveniently left where we were sitting and hung out in the kitchen. Drunken care factor = 0. Pretty much the same as my sober care factor.
I spent the next god knows how long talking to the girl about their upcoming wedding of which I’m not invited to (and don’t want to be invited to). Bf is their best man and I’m still not keen on going. There’s a lot of blanks in that conversation, so it seems I feigned interest without using up precious memory space, good job drunken self! We got home before midnight and I passed out. Missed the fireworks and fully don’t care. I woke up to a fly landing on my lip and I was cuddling a bottle of water. No vomit = a success in my eyes.
*My parents got me and bf kayaks for xmas so we got some kayaking in too. We ended up selling our music festival tickets and going kayaking instead. So much fun 😀 Bf’s going to attach a box on the back of his for fishing gear (they have holes for rods). Your old mate RG is going to attach an esky with beers in it 😉 LOL I sound like the biggest alchy but I swear I don’t drink all the time! The holidays and special events are my drunken time 🙂
*Last night although I was drinking and hanging out in the pool again, I also got stoned. For the record, I don’t like weed. If I have too much, it gives me schizophrenic symptoms. So cool if you love it and it makes you feel lovely, but I’m one of the ones that hallucinates shit like a cartoon Bambi laying on the side of the road while completely sober weeks later. Thanks brain, you fuckwit. But in the interest of cool shit, THERE’S FLAVOURED PAPERS! So yes, I had a banana flavoured doobie. And no, it did not taste like banana. Just like my chocolate cigars didn’t taste like chocolate (stick with vanilla!)
This chic I semi have a crush on was there, swimming in the pool and joking about spanking and choking after bf’s brother hugged her from behind (thus choking her) and slapped my arse (and if you know archers quotes I responded with “you got another one in ya?”). Hehehehehheh yes, so she’s a kinky one. Aaaand I would have flirted more with her but I’ve got my rags. To be completely blunt, I think most of it got pumped out of there a few days ago but after the banana joint I was in no state to maul a giney anyway. Next time 🙂
So its all over and I’m back home now. What have I missed?? 😀