Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

You know the sex is bad when.. #2

17 Comments

After cracking up from NU’s last post in front of my mum (and having to walk away to avoid explaining what was so funny..), I thought I’d carry it on and tell my tales too.
Part 1 here, I suggest you read it first for things to make sense!

So, you know the sex is bad when:

1. Her vagina smells like mothballs. That orgy NU spoke of, well her shoving my head into some random ‘lettuce’ was a welcome surprise because the girl I was originally playing with deadset smelt like mothballs. I thought it was odd and wondered how long it’d been since she’d worn and washed that pair of underwear last, but it was a girl I was kind of seeing at the time so of course I played it cool.. I got the guy who’s b’day it was (there were 4 girls and 1 birthday boy in this orgy) to take over. Like a birthday gift! That was from the back of your grandmas closet hahahaha.
For the record the ‘lettuce’ was glorious, she moaned really softly and sexy and I was kicking myself for not spending longer with her but I didn’t want mothballs getting funny with me.. Which leads on to;

2. Her orgasm sounds like its from a bad porno. Ok no hard feelings, this girl I was seeing was great and I really truly liked her but she just screamed ‘yes’ over and over in a sex phone operator voice. Its amazing what alcohol and a real liking for someone will do. I was so love-blind (and blind drunk) that I even told her it was the ‘hottest orgasm’ when in fact it was a little strange and probably fake. Maybe she chucked a fakey because she didn’t want birthday boy in her mothball zone any more, who knows. I was too drunk, weirded out by the mothballs and enjoying being smothered by titties to care much really.
And no, I never noticed the screaming yes’s or mothballs again, it was a random night to say the least!

3. You fall asleep mid-sex. Oh gosh, I’ve done this twice now. Both times were in the middle of the night and it was just a poke-poke-spooge type of sex. There was no foreplay or attention given to me. I was a hole to ram and the hole happened to fall asleep. He didn’t stop by the way, and I know this because I woke up again and he was still going. Must have been a microsleep because all my poke-poke-spooge experiences have been very quick. So quick in fact that even by the time I feel like sending a hand south, he’s grunted and rolled over. Well one bonus of this awful sex is now you can go back to sleep again! Oh and one of the times I said mid-sex “I’m probably going to fall asleep, I’m tired” and his response was “I’m cool with that.” Hahahaha

4. You both decide to give up and just lay there. Let me set the scene. I caught up with an ex years after we broke up. He had tattoos and would wear a black cap to clubs so even years later I thought he was a sexy punk bad boy. He was being funny and flirting a lot, this may have even been the night he gave me ketamine to snort on the end of a key in the middle of the smoking area at a club. Go on, judge me, I haven’t been the classiest girl in my time. Side note: I sat down, couldn’t get up again and felt like I weighed as much as an elephant. I never took it again – why pay to sit there and not want to move?! I can do that out of laziness for free!
So anyway after a fwb took some, freaked out and went home, I went home with the ex. We started fooling around, getting rough and passionate then giggling (I’ll blame alcohol and the fact that sleeping with an ex feels naughty), then… Nothing. The momentum had died and it just felt forced. We just layed on our backs, stared at the ceiling and agreed that this wasn’t working.

5. You’re masturbating in the bed next to your sleeping partner. Its late at night, you’re horny, you can’t be bothered turning it into a big deal, you’re worried about getting the aforementioned middle of the night poke-poke-spooge which won’t actually solve your problem of needing to orgasm, so you go right ahead and play with yourself. You try not to make noises or move the bed at all, you just want to quickly and efficiently fix yourself up. I’ve done this 2-3 times in the past but I must say that with kinkier playtimes now, the thought hasn’t even crossed my mind 😀

6. The only reason you’re having sex is to get the comfy bed. Ummm yep. One time a group of us were at the ex’s new gfs house (the ex from earlier in this post). We’d been drinking absinthe cocktails and drinking every time the word ‘scotty’ was mentioned in the movie Eurotrip. If you haven’t seen it, Scotty is the main character and there’s a song in the movie about him which as it turns out, says the word Scotty a lot. Needless to say, NU passed out on sitting on the toilet (fully clothed, I think she was just using it as a seat? Don’t ask questions, she’s a random hilarious drunk, you just gotta roll with it hahaha) so I dragged her to the mattress on the floor.
The only other bed was a futon next to her. But the ex’s best friend was sitting on it. He asked the ex where we could sleep and he said futon. So it was there or the floor with no mattress. Well I chose the futon, felt a boner rubbing against my butt and hey, totes had sex so he would stop bugging me and just let me sleep on the futon. One of the many times I’ve had sex next to a passed out or pretending to be passed out NU. No shame LOL
The other time wasn’t sex, it was actually worse. I was staying at a friends house and the options were couch (I think it was leather? Or something uncomfortable looking) or the flatmate had offered to share his bed. We’d been friends years back and he was pretty dorky so I thought there was no problem. But flirty RG and a now not-dorky friend resulting in him trying to advance on me, me telling him I can’t do anything I have a bf (it was a monogamous relationship) and then him standing on the bed, looking at me laying there and wanking. Really awkward situation, I wasn’t going to do anything to look sexy so I just layed there thinking “what the shit!”. Oh well he sorted himself out and I was able to sleep in his comfy bed. The next morning I got yelled at by my now ex-friend (her choice) for ‘having sex’ with her flatmate. I actually laughed.

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Footnote: this is the same guy that NU fake cried to get away from hahahaha

How do YOU know when sex is bad?

Rambling Goat

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Author: ramblingg0at

Life loves to set me up for its own entertainment. But instead of me hiding these awkward moments, I plan on sharing them for my own (and possibly your) amusement. Now who's laughing, life?

17 thoughts on “You know the sex is bad when.. #2

  1. Hahaha oh bad sex stories are cracking me up!

    I don’t even get where the mothball stench would have come from?!

    I’ve done #5 but not so discretely – it’s been after and I’m like “so yeah, I’m gonna finish the job now if you don’t mind!”

    Also, considering all the times people have got in on in my presence (you are not the only one my friend), I have come to the conclusion that I must be a living aphrodesiac! Who needs oysters or horny goat weed when you can invite me over! BOOM!

    • Hahaha yep you make the luuuurve happen!

      LOL at ‘not so discrete’!! I can’t believe he didn’t help you! Well actually I can. Some men just have no interest in making us happy – sex isn’t just about the semen coming out! There’s sooo much more to it than that.
      Lamebo men, stop watching lame poke-poke-spooge porn and get out there and experience women properly! Sex can actually last more than 10 mins (shocking I know) and you might even see us orgasm, true story 🙂

  2. I had a guy once who got the hiccups mid fuck and he starting pissing himself or I should say I got the golden shower. I think I vaguely remember laughing myself stupid and left him to deal with the fallout and clean up. No return visit for me.

  3. hahahahaha!!

    Oh my gawd. NU why are you not coming to Vegas with us?!

    We would have sooooooooooooo much fun!

    I love these Goaty, LOVE!

    You both have inspired me to write about my worst sex ever. Hope you’re happy with yourself for re-traumatising me by making me tell the story again.

    ❤ x

  4. For #5, does it count if you don’t make yourself cum? Not that that helps if the aim is for some release, and auto-narcotic sedation.

    Bad sex for me? Most recently –
    We fuck. She cums. Great! Then we aim for my orgasm, because She’s quite adamant She wants me to cum too. Her hands are doing some really good stuff. But the look on Her face is … well … it’s not boredom, anguish, distain, disinterest, discomfort … I don’t know what it is, but is sure as hell doesn’t say “Fuck me darling.”

    • Bahahaha yeah I’ve done that in the past. Its my “far out i wish he’d just hurry up” face. Mostly done when I’m so sore, in doggy and he’s going foreverrrr (to the point where I’m wondering how much he’s been drinking – give up, you’ve had too much and its not happening sunshine!). At least your wife was helping you!

      If you guys aren’t kinky then in these moments (and others!), add a little bit of kink! That face will be gone instantly, promise. Tie her to something, handcuff her wrists together, put your hand over her mouth, bite her neck etc etc etc. Obviously it can get way more kinky but it depends on how much time you have, energy levels and how open to kink you are. I can assure you I haven’t done that face since crossing over to the dark side! Hahaha 😀

      Oh and I wouldn’t say the #5 without cumming is included but damn, you went to the effort and had the intention so lets include it 🙂

      • Let’s just say one of us is resonably kinky. The orher … well, for the other doggy, reverse cowgirl, or anywhere but in bed would be adventurous.

        As for #5, I’m not sure it should count: it’s most days ti sone degree. I have finished myself off, especially when blighted by insomnia, by I generally need a bit too much vigour to finish without waking my Wife. Ha ha.

        • My bf was never kinky either (and I only had a couple of kinks) but we started with the basics and worked our way up.

          I’m sure if you slowly started getting her out of her comfort zone, you’d be surprised. Try having fun where there’s no pressure on her to perform (like pin her wrists down to the bed – if she gets uncomfortable with it, kiss her neck!) and where she gets ultimate pleasure (please her until she begs you to stop or begs you to jump her bones, just don’t make it about you until you get the begging!). She’ll start associating sex with fun and pleasure and that’s when you can introduce blindfolds, handcuffs etc.

          Us women tend to have it in out minds that sex is all about the man and that’s why we can get so ‘meh’ about it. I was so stuck in a rut early on with the bf that I would say things like “I don’t want to play but *sigh* if you want to we can”. And its because I thought he only wanted to get his dick wet. We need to feel like you just want to spent all night and day pleasing us and ‘hey, don’t worry about me’.

          The best sex I’ve ever had was 99% about me and 1% him (on many occasions, not just once), and he said that basically all his pleasure is watching me. Daaaaamn. Now I respect and trust him so much, and he cares about me so much, that he has 100% control over me when I’m with him. He could tell me to kiss his shoes in public and I would.

          So good luck! You can definitely do it, there’s a deviant in all of us, you just have to coax it out 😉

          • Preaching to the choir on the joy of kink. And about focussing on Her pleasure. Unfortunately She’s a tad more complex than that and even having fun isn’t within the comfort zone, still after nearly 15yrs together. Hey ho. One day, maybe, I’ll rediscover my vanilla side and we’ll find some middle ground.

          • Awww gosh so sorry to hear 😦
            You could always try sex/couples therapy? I did couples counselling recently and it was a great 😀

          • We did relationship couselling, which got us out of a black hole, but sex was never addressed. Sex therapy has been mentioned a few times, but She’s not cofortable enough talking about sex (eben with me, let alone “a stranger”) to go through with it, and logistically it has to be something She has to want to make time for.

          • Yeah that’s true, if she’s happy where you’re both at then she probably won’t see the point going. Hopefully she’s not oblivious to your plight and at some point gets the courage to go, listen to you speak (if she cant talk about it herself) and get some advice and confidence from a professional.

            Interesting partnership though – two ends of the scale. There must be plenty of other reasons to love her that makes up for the sexual mismatch, it’s really sweet 🙂 I wish you the best of luck xo

  5. Pingback: The Sex Files: When it all goes to hell in a handbasket. Bad sex. | Spankalicious

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