Sometimes sex just isn’t’ as glamorous or as easy as the movies make it out to be. Especially when you are a naturally awkward person like me who can trip over on flat surfaces, it can get you into some hilariously awkward situations.
In light of this, I thought I would share some of the sexcapades I have embarked on that I’m not completely proud of (or sure it even happened…)
You know the sex is bad when…..
- You pretend to cry to get out of it
One night a younger, drunk and naive version of myself got face raped by an acquaintance-friend of a friend in a club and lured out to his car for “a lift home”. I wasn’t even attracted to this guy, but young NU was impressionable when it came to this kinda stuff and didn’t really know how to say no.
Nek minnit, he’s fumbling like a blind koala with no thumbs, deep throating me with his tongue and getting me naked. Without any foreplay, he tried to stick his frankfurt in my dry fur burger – uh duh, no play means no way my friend!
So, the only way I thought I could get out of this terrible situation was to start crying and tell him I’m sorry but I’m still in love with my ex (totally wasn’t). Thank fuck that worked and he drove me home.
- You suck so bad you get a friend to finish the job
One night Rambling Goat and I went to some random house party (random cos I didn’t know them), turning up a bit later and catching up on alcoholic beverages. We were also sharing a bottle of honey vodka, which seemed like a legit idea at the time.
Some how this party turned into a lesbian orgy with whipped cream and naked ham wallets everywhere. I’m not naturally bi, but I’m pretty easy going, have made out with chicks before and drunkenly thought “yeah! Let’s do this!” RG is next to me going down on a chick, I’m randomly making out with a chick who I can’t even tell what she looks like I’m that off my face – nek minnit I’m having a meal out of her wet lettuce. But HOLY CRAP I’m fucking drunk and realise I have no freakin idea what to do to cook some meat curtains!
So I grab RG’s head and shove it in my girl’s lady locker telling her to help me out here (yep, I’m all class when I’m drinking!) Then a guy comes in and I tell him to finish her, which he obliges to while we stand awkwardly at the window smoking fags.
This was then followed by me *apparently* naked vomiting into a bath and passing out (I say apparently because if I can’t see it it’s not there and I don’t remember so it makes in pure conjecture!).
That was my first (and probably last because I’m so hilariously scarred) lesbian encounter (and encounter with honey vodka, you evil poison you).
- It’s so small you don’t even know if you did it
I had a friend once where we constantly flirted and joked about doing the deed. Pretty sure now he actually liked me, but I was completely oblivious to it. Anyway. After a handful of ages of joking about it, one day we decided to actually do it because…. you know, whatever?
He was slightly bigger, we were in the backseat of his car, I straddled him, but I guess the position we were in and the size of his peen I don’t even know if it went in….or if we even finished…..it was so fucking awkward. I didn’t want to do the “is it in yet?” thing because that would be devastating, but I just didn’t know what to do.
Now, I don’t have a problem with peeny size and I think it was just the position, but after this awkward encounter we didn’t really try again.
And there you have it, a small snapshot of some of the awkward sexual encounters I have had.
It’s not always sunshines and orgasms my friends, but at least you can lol about it later.