So here’s an update on my trouble in polytown post. Turning this lamebo into a rainbow 😉
So the hulk (bf) and I went to couples counselling. We both got to explain our point of view, say how we felt, listen to the other persons thoughts and feelings etc. Wow, if you’re needing a middle man or just want to be heard/understood, I really truly recommend going to couples counselling.
He acknowledged that:
*I’m not greedy – I’m just poly, that’s the way I am.
*He wants me to be happy (he often focuses on his feelings when we talk about open/poly and forgets about mine).
I let him know that:
*I often give up my own happiness to make him happy.
*I’m normally a social butterfly but am holding back quite a lot in order to focus on our relationship and work (where I’ll be getting a lump sum to use towards he and I buying a house).
*I don’t *purposely* get feelings for other men, I’m just open and friendly and tend to find sexual and emotional attraction easy (he tends to have a wall up in comparison). I didn’t purposely get feelings for DD, it just happened. He’s a very caring person, especially towards me, and I love that.
And the counsellor acknowledged that:
*I’m not the baddy here – I’m allowed to be me and not feel bad for it. I reeeeeally needed to hear that!
*Neither is he – Its perfectly fine for him to feel the way he does and in fact 95% of the population feels the same as him (hurt when their gf wants to sleep with and/or date other men).
In the car on the way home, he asked who this other guy was. I’d already told him that he knew him. I told him again that it shouldn’t matter who it is. He said he has massive trust issues with me and would rather me tell him so he knows I’m being honest. He promised to not get angry, not get upset, wouldn’t go around telling everyone, wouldn’t over analyse and in fact would stay happy.
I kept telling him clues like “we used to work with him” (he was one of the supervisors) because I found it extremely difficult to say his name. I didn’t want him to think differently about DD. Their contact now is extremely minimal but he mentioned he was going to their Xmas party at one stage so I didn’t want to create am extremely awkward situation.. Anyway, I said it. He was shocked. He had a list of people it could be in his head and DD wasn’t on it. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not?
Oh well, he stuck to his word, he stayed happy and thanked me for being honest and realised it was a difficult thing to say. But guess what!! He gave me a reward! Well I guess I’m helping him with his trust issues so he felt he should help me with my wanting-to-have-sex-with-other-men issues. He told me I could have a holiday once a year where I can see whoever I want, do whatever I want and its completely fine. The holiday just has to be out of our state.
Side note: he’d already mentioned this as an idea when we first got back together but not only felt uncomfortable with it, but also only mentioned my USA trip. So as much as this seems to be history repeating, its actually a step forward – he’s happy with it, and its going to be every year for as long as I want (umm FOREVER! Haha!).
DD is happy he’s got me back (even if only once a year – isn’t he a gentleman! 🙂 ) and I’m happy that my life can now include lots of fun times 😀
The bonus to all this is that bf is thinking of moving to Canada for a while with his brother and friend. I did leave him to move for a job, so its fair enough for him to do the same to me. If he does go though, he said it’ll be completely open long distance relationship while he’s gone 😀 He mentioned 2 years but I know him too well, he won’t last that long 😉 maybe 6 months max.
So lots of good news. Its not exactly the full poly relationship I want, but its not the no-men-only-women thing he’d prefer. Compromise 🙂 and maybe (hopefully) he’ll get more used to the idea and step forward again in the future but for now I’m happy and he’s happy so that’s the important thing 🙂
I hope that by somehow sharing my experiences it can help you with yours. I truly appreciate those of you on here that can fully open up about your experiences as I can quite easily with situations featuring myself but fear mentioning others too much so it has been very nerve wracking to say the least.
Anyway this hulk/dd/relationships chapter is now sorted, so thanks for all your kind words and help with deciphering male emotions! I’m very lucky to have a great bunch of friends through blogging. Is it thanksgiving yet? (Why don’t we have thanksgiving in Australia?!?!) This community truly is amazing. Xo