Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

Useless Talents


I was listening to the radio with ‘the hulk’ a couple of weeks ago. We got talking about singing. I said “well I can’t sing but it’s kind of a useless talent anyway in the scheme of things..” He replies with “its pretty useful if you’re making money off it”.

So I got thinking about useless talents and decided I’ve got plenty of legitimately useless talents. I tried to impress him with my list;
*I can touch my foot to my head
*I can write backwards
*I have 2 double jointed fingers
*I can raise each eyebrow independently
*I can flare my nostrils
*I can burp and hiccup at the same time! Totally not on purpose though. My mum also does it..
*I can tell if lines are perfectly parallel or perpendicular, and if they’re not, about how many cm they are out. Seriously.. It’s a ridiculous talent. My dad says I’d be good at hanging picture frames. Thanks life!

We decided that there are some useless talents that *most* people can do and therefore can’t be included;
*Sensing when someone is looking at you
*Men doing a ‘mangina’


That's the trusty mangina in action. Why is this in a proper photoshoot?! LOL

Just when I was feeling really awesome about my number of useless talents, he stumped me with his list;
*He can raise his eyebrows independently
*Flare his nostrils
*Write left-handed
*Touch his tongue to his nose
*Crack his knuckles one handed
*Copy drawings exactly (like a human photocopier haha!)
*Squash a bottle cap one handed
*Tie a noose (but isn’t suicidal and doesn’t think he’ll ever be)
*Double jointed (I can’t remember where, finger/wrist maybe?)
*Flip a coaster up from the edge of a table and catch it (he said he could do it with his eyes closed too, but I’ve seen him do this while drunk and I’m not convinced..)
*Dislocate his shoulder on purpose – he said he dislocated it during birth and now he can keep doing it. I said “haha wow, what a way to enter the harsh reality of life!” He responded “yeah my parents said ‘welcome to the game, boy.'”

So anyway, basically he won. I was sad until I realised it meant he was more useless than me. Haha!! πŸ˜‰

Out of interest, here’s some other useless talents of my friends/acquaintances:
*I have a friend who can lick her elbow

*My mum can cramp her toe on purpose
*My mum can also pick up things with her feet (another possible reason why I have a foot phobia)
*I know a woman who always tries to finish people’s sentences while they’re speaking (kind of like how a twin might, but she has no twin so does it with everyone). Usually she gets it right, but sometimes I mix up the ending and it throws her off and internally I cackle like a maniac πŸ˜€

So pray tell, what is YOUR useless talent? If you say you haven’t got any, you haven’t thought long enough! πŸ˜›

Rambling Goat


Author: ramblingg0at

Life loves to set me up for its own entertainment. But instead of me hiding these awkward moments, I plan on sharing them for my own (and possibly your) amusement. Now who's laughing, life?

15 thoughts on “Useless Talents

  1. i can wiggle my ears πŸ˜›

  2. I can burp on command! And burp the alphabet…. And burp talk…. Why does my talent have to be gross?!

    Ps just tried to touch my head with my foot and kneed myself. Whoop!

  3. I always end up knotting my rope in the middle of suspending someone. It.drives.me.batshit.cray.

    Why doesn’t it do that when I’m doing floor work? What is it that as soon as a I have a wench in the air my rope becomes self knotting balls of hate? Why does the gods want me to look like a bumbling rigger?

    I also walk into things. Like walls. Doors. I swear one of the gods keeps moving the door frames just that little bit to the left and bam, there I go.

    OH! And I can fall upstairs with alcohol in my hand and not spill a drop but successfully cover my shins in bruises.

  4. I can fake excitement? And not sarcastically, it looks legit

    • This reminds me of when I used to work in a fruit shop and this old lady started talking about her cat. I swear she was there for 15 mins at least and I was trapped behind the register with no other customers in the shop.. I just can’t imagine going into a shop and having a one-sided convo about my pet with a stranger. I guess when I do I’ll know I’ve hit old age?

      Maybe you’d be good at working with old people? Or in retail/marketing? Hahaha

  5. Singing isn’t useless, it’s fun and it’s pleasant to hear. I like singing, and I’m terrible at it, and nobody else has fun but me when it’s my turn at karaoke. Not so useless huh!

    Thanks for that mangina picture, I really needed to see that.
    I don’t think it’s a talent btw, I think pretty much any guy can do that. While flaccid at least. It isn’t as tricky as it looks, ladies.

    I didn’t know real humans could like their elbow. I wonder what it tastes like? This will haunt me forever. I need to go to more yoga classes.

    • My singing isn’t useful for anything? Except maybe if I need to remember something and turn it into a song? I prefer pen and paper though πŸ˜‰

      Yeah that’s why we didn’t include it individually – its not so special when most can do it.

      What’s your useless talent ray?

  6. I can’t make my forehead wrinkle. I’m 43 years old and all my life I have tried for a crease and get nothing. I know most woman get pissed when I tell them that, but hey, it’s a useless talent none the less. The other most useless thing I can do is recite all 50 states alphabetically, really fast. I’m fairly talentless otherwise.

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