Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

Nonsense Reviews: The Evil Within

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So I thought I would start a review segment on here because shut up that’s why.  But seriously,  after sifting through the mountains of douchebaggery that are many online reviews of stuff – trying to be all legit and shit in explaining stuff about things – I thought, “GOD FREAKIN DAMMIT just make it simple yo!”  And so I thought,  maybe my mumbo jumbo could help other lost souls when choosing to use stuff and things?

And thus this initial glob of brain poop is born….

The Evil Within……my pants

Dun Dun DUNNNNNNN!  The game form of “it looked better in the trailer, why am I wasting my time”. (FYI I am still wasting my time trying to finish this lump of lard because of my innate need to find out what happens).  Now,  I’m only up to chapter 7,  but I thought WHATEVER I’m gonna post my review now anyway because we all know that first impressions mean everything, right?

So far, it’s not completely shit,  but for a game that was hyped up to be the next best thing since Silent Hill,  my hopes were put on the top of an electric pole and then knocked down to funky town – OF DOOOOM.

Disappointing is probs the best way to put it.

I’ll admit that it had me going for atleast a good hour or so.  Being chased by the likes of Leatherface’s brother within the first five minutes of playing really had the poop boiling in my panties where I thought I would have to sleep with a night light on for the next three years.  But after that,  my brain caught up and realised that the game is built on cheap scares and gore not unusual of a bad teen horror movie.

So now,  it’s just a laugh to play.  On one hand,  it’s a good thing because now I’m not scared and have more chance of actually finishing it,  but on the other hand it’s kinda sad cos horror games are like a rollercoaster to my adrenalin spooging glands.  Sigh.

Does it have a good story, atleast?

The storyline is either too confusing or just retarded and convuluted for the sake of being “complex” when really it’s just a lump of poo with many holes.  It’s like,  not confusing in the “holy crap the psychological terror is mindfucking me with a big black spikey dildo ….AWESOME!” kinda way – it’s confusing in the, “WTF that doesn’t even make sense and I don’t know what’s happening so OH LOOK there’s a dog with a puffy tail, let me go over there” kinda way.

Except for the one major difference in that The Matrix was actually good.

I’m not a dumb person – I read poetry and shit so confusing stuff is something I’m not afraid of.  Silent Hill  – the confusion makes sense.  The Evil Within – does not make sense.  Chewbacca lives with wookies – does not make sense.

MAYBE it will make sense somewhere down the line,  but I reckon chapter 7 is way too far in to still be fighting the urge to bang my head against the wall.

How’s the graphics?

Look,  I reckon the graphics are pretty freakin sweet.  But this is coming from someone who gets thoroughly amused by a piece of lint stuck on a wall for hours.

If you’re one of those hipster high-horse riding gaming elitists,  this game probs won’t suit your need for 10000p graphics,  so best to just put the cover down and move along.

If you seriously don’t care that much and can see the true meaning through the tiny pixels,  you will probably be like me and think that the graphics are super shweet.

Characters?

Not so lame that I  want them to be killed by Leatherface’s brother, but not cool enough for me to actually give a shit about what happens to them.

Awww,  Sebastian’s wife disappeared or some crap like that?  ….Wish I could care, but nah.

I tried to like the protagonist’s partner,  but even then I don’t really care if he does end up turning into a blob of evil poo.

And don’t get me started on the hoodie dude – no idea what his deal is and you would think I should by chapter 7?

Dude you got trucker face going on – use some sun screen next time!

Don’t expect emotional attachment to these guys like you would expect from The Last of Us (fuck you game for making me cry).

The baddies have gotta be good though, right?

Not really.  Zombies that look like they’re peaking (and what’s with the barbed wire? THE METAPHOR IS BLINDING ME).

Oh.  Weird guy with a chainsaw.  Haven’t seen that 50 billion times.

Weird chick with long black hair covering face?  Didn’t I see that in The Ring?

Most of the baddies are just bad rip offs from various horror movies – and in this age of desensitisation I say MEH.

There’s some baddies that look like the elephant man,  so other than feeling scared I kinda feel sorry for them and bad that I’m blowing their faces of.  But they’re acting like jerks so they totes deserve it.

So yeah,  not aesthetically scary and look like something Rob Zombie probably made up for one of his shitty movies.

Battlewise though,  they do put up quite a fight so if you’re into battling and shit then you’ll probably enjoy this.  I, on the other hand,  do not like big fights with baddies that WON’T FREAKIN GIVE.  Assholes.

Gameplay….

Is pretty okay,  but sometimes it’s annoying and a stupid baddie or some crap gets in front of you and glitches and you can’t move and then you die and you’re all like AW MAN WTF GET OUTTA MA WAY YOU LOSER.

It’s also kinda lame how there are chapters and they end with a big CHAPTER CLEAR!  Wow, game,  good work in ALMOST getting me to poop my pants but thankfully relieving me from being immersed in the environment with this stupid screen.  And I thought this game was meant to have atmosphere…

The environment looks scary as shit?

Meh.  If you’re into lotsa gore and recycled wheelchairs and dilapidated places.  Cue cheesy horror movie here.

So,  what’s your point?

I give The Evil Within THREE MEHS out of a handful of mehs.

I reckon you should play it just so you can feel my pain,  but don’t go expecting anything amazing or poop inducing cos you’ll be disappointed.

So yeah – not totally shit,  but not awesome.

Nonsense Unicorn

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Author: nonsenseunicorn

Just another twenty-something year old making sense out of madness. Boom.

2 thoughts on “Nonsense Reviews: The Evil Within

  1. This is possibly the best review I’ve ever read.
    So keen for more 😀 This is totes becoming a THING man.

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