Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Reppin the Rangas

Let it be known – I looove redheads. Fake or real, male or female, I don’t care.
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To prove this, I was just browsing the ‘redophiles’ group of fetlife (think of Facebook, WordPress and porn all in the same place) which may not seem *so* odd except for this minor detail:

I had just eaten coleslaw on my sandwich, then drank grapefruit juice and the combination made my mouth taste like a sweaty plumbers butthole. For a moment I thought the bread was off (it was pretty stale) due to NU telling me she ate mouldy bread a few hours ago (don’t worry dude, a hangover excuses the lack of observation skills) but at any rate, I had to get the taste out of my mouth. Instead of going and cleaning my teeth, I perused the redhead appreciation section for a whole 10 minutes before going to clean my teeth. Yep, I put up with the taste of sweaty plumbers anus for the sake of perving on rangas.

Footnote: Toothpaste doesn’t really help.

So anyway, the point of this post was to state that not only do I love redheads, but I like to represent them. Yep, this crazy goat dies her hair red. Still saying ‘big deal RG’? Well, its not the ‘trendy’ fire engine red (although I have done it before), its the orangey red with flecks of brown and blonde. ORANGE.

I used to see a guy that was a natural redhead. He would dye his hair and beard black to hide it. A few years later I was seeing a girl who was a redhead. She’d dye it bright red and it smelled of strawberries *happy sigh*. But one day we were at the beach and some drunk guy yelled out “ranga” and she started crying. What the! She said it was hard being a minority sometimes.

I had no idea redheads struggled, I’ve always dyed my hair random colours and not cared. But I’m a natural brunette (so didn’t grow up with the teasing), and at this point in my life I don’t give a shit what people think.

So although initially dying my hair plum/dark purple when I moved towns, I’ve now got back into the redhead thang. And have done it so I look preeetty much natural (I’ve even got the pale skin and green/hazel eyes – just excuse the brown eyebrows!) not only because I love redheads but so that any natural redheads who see me will think “well she’s wearing the colour proud, so why can’t I?”

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A bit of my hair as proof! 😀

I don’t think you sexy redheads out there should be ashamed at all, you’re stunning. Not only that but you’re basically as rare as hens teeth, so own it! Society is turning us into a sea of clones but why can’t we celebrate our differences? Be proud that you are a rare commodity, our differences are what make us interesting.

So there you go folks, I’m representing redheads for the love. The more happy confident redheads around having gorgeous redheaded children, the less kids will find this an excuse to pick on them. Tell your kids that being different is a GOOD thing. Being in a minority group is fun. Gain the confidence to not even bat an eyelid when someone points out you’re different. “Why thankyou, yes I am different and I love it!”
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Rambling Goat

Ps. If I ever get sperm from a spermbank to have children, I’ll be choosing it from a redheaded donor ❤


18 Comments

Questions to life #7

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1. Why is it that no matter where I stand at the clothesline, I still get blinded by the sun?!
2. Why is it that I never see the clothesline spinning on its own, but as soon as I go to hang something, it spins away from me?
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3. Why don’t dogs smile? They *seem* happy but I’m not entirely positive..
4. Why do I always get so excited at watching a movie (I’m doing the Indiana Jones Quadrilogy at the moment..) but fall asleep midway through?
5. Why is WordPress so addictive?
6. How does autocorrect know the word ‘WordPress’ but not ‘fuck’? Don’t play dumb with me mate!

Rambling Goat


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Alternative names for ‘rude’ parts

Who uses the phrase mammory glands? Or perineum? (I actually had to google it to get the right spelling so obviously not me.. 😀

Here’s a delightful list of alternative words and phrases for your bits and bobs (most off the odd ones are courtesy of NU!), because medical terminology is laaame. Enjoy 😀

GALS
Vagina region:
*lady parts
*pussy/puss
*kitty
*clam
*meat curtains
*flaps
*axe wound
*man on a boat (the man is your clit)
*wet lettuce
*fur burger
*ham wallet
*treasure box (of awesomeness)
*gash
*slit
*cave
*bud
*flower
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Gluteus maximus region:
*pooper
*bum
*butt
*trunk
*back door/entrance

Breasts:
*fun bags
*tits/titties
*the girls
*Santa’s sacks
*boobs/boobies
*headlights
*honkers

Nipples:
*nips
*pepperoni
*mosquito bites
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GUYS
Penis region:
*dick/cock
*knob
*peeny
*sausage
*block and tackle
*wood
*stiffy
*boner
*frankfurt
*fun stick
*lollipop

(For more hilarious penis names, check out jblondie’s glorious post)
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SEX IN GENERAL
*doing the deed
*hanky panky
*honk honk
*roasting the broomstick
*making a meat sandwich
*squeaky squeaky (thanks to me involved in a squeaky bunk bed scenario and an awake NU in the room, whoops!)
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What funny phrases do you use?

Rambling Goat


25 Comments

Why don’t Aussies have thanksgiving?!

So there’s a few big things that I believe are so so important in life:

*keep ourselves happy – find the positives in any given situation (as hard as that may be sometimes!). Its not all doom and gloom! I heard a great quote once;

If you don’t like something, change it.
If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.

Focusing on negatives all the time is too tiring, be kind to the mind!

*keep ourselves entertained and amused – don’t take life so seriously, laugh and be ridiculous without caring so much! Having good friends, little to no shame and stepping outside your comfort zone will definitely help 😛 Don’t just sit at home and be bored everyday.

*help others when we can – its the old trick of karma, you only deserve good things in life if you are good to others 🙂 so don’t just think of yourself and do things for you (although that is super important too) but do things for others too. Linux fans might already know this one;

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*appreciate the little things as well as the big – ok yeah you win lotto and are excited but guess what? We all win lotto everyday. We wake up alive. Pretty nice huh? 🙂 See, money buys you things but doesn’t do shit if you’re not alive first.

So I guess today (or yesterday? Timezone confusion!) is about the fourth one. Happy thanksgiving folks!

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Here’s what I’m thankful for:
*good friends and family
*a lovely supportive community on WordPress that cracks me up, teaches me new things and stirs my loins
*somehow surviving in a world where I never have money and everything is expensive
*being alive in a day and age where I can be who I want and not give a shit what anyone thinks (I don’t think I would have survived in the 50’s! Or probably any time before that either!)

And what I like to think are pretty obvious;
*beer
*cheese
*sex
*sex toys
*the smell of rain on a hot road
*the colour green. And blue. They’re pretty rad
*hair dye (post coming on this shortly..)
*slippers/ugg boots
*lingerie
*flirtatious personalities (lookin at you jblondie haha!)
*the internet
*humour
*pets
*planes
*the feeling of my bare feet on grass
*boobs
*magical treasure boxes of awesomeness aka vaginas
*auto correct getting shit wrong (last night instead of telling sharn I’m awkwardly retarded, I told her I’m awkwardly breastfed! Cue the cackling and google images.. LOL)

Yep I think I covered all bases there. Thanks life!

Rambling Goat

Ps. Because I’m still giggling (and helping you tick off the second thing on my list) here’s our favourite ‘awkwardly breastfed’ pictures:

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17 Comments

You know the sex is bad when.. #2

After cracking up from NU’s last post in front of my mum (and having to walk away to avoid explaining what was so funny..), I thought I’d carry it on and tell my tales too.
Part 1 here, I suggest you read it first for things to make sense!

So, you know the sex is bad when:

1. Her vagina smells like mothballs. That orgy NU spoke of, well her shoving my head into some random ‘lettuce’ was a welcome surprise because the girl I was originally playing with deadset smelt like mothballs. I thought it was odd and wondered how long it’d been since she’d worn and washed that pair of underwear last, but it was a girl I was kind of seeing at the time so of course I played it cool.. I got the guy who’s b’day it was (there were 4 girls and 1 birthday boy in this orgy) to take over. Like a birthday gift! That was from the back of your grandmas closet hahahaha.
For the record the ‘lettuce’ was glorious, she moaned really softly and sexy and I was kicking myself for not spending longer with her but I didn’t want mothballs getting funny with me.. Which leads on to;

2. Her orgasm sounds like its from a bad porno. Ok no hard feelings, this girl I was seeing was great and I really truly liked her but she just screamed ‘yes’ over and over in a sex phone operator voice. Its amazing what alcohol and a real liking for someone will do. I was so love-blind (and blind drunk) that I even told her it was the ‘hottest orgasm’ when in fact it was a little strange and probably fake. Maybe she chucked a fakey because she didn’t want birthday boy in her mothball zone any more, who knows. I was too drunk, weirded out by the mothballs and enjoying being smothered by titties to care much really.
And no, I never noticed the screaming yes’s or mothballs again, it was a random night to say the least!

3. You fall asleep mid-sex. Oh gosh, I’ve done this twice now. Both times were in the middle of the night and it was just a poke-poke-spooge type of sex. There was no foreplay or attention given to me. I was a hole to ram and the hole happened to fall asleep. He didn’t stop by the way, and I know this because I woke up again and he was still going. Must have been a microsleep because all my poke-poke-spooge experiences have been very quick. So quick in fact that even by the time I feel like sending a hand south, he’s grunted and rolled over. Well one bonus of this awful sex is now you can go back to sleep again! Oh and one of the times I said mid-sex “I’m probably going to fall asleep, I’m tired” and his response was “I’m cool with that.” Hahahaha

4. You both decide to give up and just lay there. Let me set the scene. I caught up with an ex years after we broke up. He had tattoos and would wear a black cap to clubs so even years later I thought he was a sexy punk bad boy. He was being funny and flirting a lot, this may have even been the night he gave me ketamine to snort on the end of a key in the middle of the smoking area at a club. Go on, judge me, I haven’t been the classiest girl in my time. Side note: I sat down, couldn’t get up again and felt like I weighed as much as an elephant. I never took it again – why pay to sit there and not want to move?! I can do that out of laziness for free!
So anyway after a fwb took some, freaked out and went home, I went home with the ex. We started fooling around, getting rough and passionate then giggling (I’ll blame alcohol and the fact that sleeping with an ex feels naughty), then… Nothing. The momentum had died and it just felt forced. We just layed on our backs, stared at the ceiling and agreed that this wasn’t working.

5. You’re masturbating in the bed next to your sleeping partner. Its late at night, you’re horny, you can’t be bothered turning it into a big deal, you’re worried about getting the aforementioned middle of the night poke-poke-spooge which won’t actually solve your problem of needing to orgasm, so you go right ahead and play with yourself. You try not to make noises or move the bed at all, you just want to quickly and efficiently fix yourself up. I’ve done this 2-3 times in the past but I must say that with kinkier playtimes now, the thought hasn’t even crossed my mind 😀

6. The only reason you’re having sex is to get the comfy bed. Ummm yep. One time a group of us were at the ex’s new gfs house (the ex from earlier in this post). We’d been drinking absinthe cocktails and drinking every time the word ‘scotty’ was mentioned in the movie Eurotrip. If you haven’t seen it, Scotty is the main character and there’s a song in the movie about him which as it turns out, says the word Scotty a lot. Needless to say, NU passed out on sitting on the toilet (fully clothed, I think she was just using it as a seat? Don’t ask questions, she’s a random hilarious drunk, you just gotta roll with it hahaha) so I dragged her to the mattress on the floor.
The only other bed was a futon next to her. But the ex’s best friend was sitting on it. He asked the ex where we could sleep and he said futon. So it was there or the floor with no mattress. Well I chose the futon, felt a boner rubbing against my butt and hey, totes had sex so he would stop bugging me and just let me sleep on the futon. One of the many times I’ve had sex next to a passed out or pretending to be passed out NU. No shame LOL
The other time wasn’t sex, it was actually worse. I was staying at a friends house and the options were couch (I think it was leather? Or something uncomfortable looking) or the flatmate had offered to share his bed. We’d been friends years back and he was pretty dorky so I thought there was no problem. But flirty RG and a now not-dorky friend resulting in him trying to advance on me, me telling him I can’t do anything I have a bf (it was a monogamous relationship) and then him standing on the bed, looking at me laying there and wanking. Really awkward situation, I wasn’t going to do anything to look sexy so I just layed there thinking “what the shit!”. Oh well he sorted himself out and I was able to sleep in his comfy bed. The next morning I got yelled at by my now ex-friend (her choice) for ‘having sex’ with her flatmate. I actually laughed.

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Footnote: this is the same guy that NU fake cried to get away from hahahaha

How do YOU know when sex is bad?

Rambling Goat


22 Comments

You know the sex is bad when…

Sometimes sex just isn’t’ as glamorous or as easy as the movies make it out to be.  Especially when you are a naturally awkward person like me who can trip over on flat surfaces,  it can get you into some hilariously awkward situations.

In light of this,  I thought I would share some of the sexcapades I have embarked on that I’m not completely proud of (or sure it even happened…)

You know the sex is bad when…..

  • You pretend to cry to get out of it
    One night a younger, drunk and naive version of myself got face raped by an acquaintance-friend of a friend in a club and lured out to his car for “a lift home”.  I wasn’t even attracted to this guy,  but young NU was impressionable when it came to this kinda stuff and didn’t really know how to say no.
    Nek minnit,  he’s fumbling like a blind koala with no thumbs,  deep throating me with his tongue and getting me naked.  Without any foreplay,  he tried to stick his frankfurt in my dry fur burger – uh duh,  no play means no way my friend!
    So,  the only way I thought I could get out of this terrible situation was to start crying and tell him I’m sorry but I’m still in love with my ex (totally wasn’t).  Thank fuck that worked and he drove me home.
  • You suck so bad you get a friend to finish the job
    One night Rambling Goat and I went to some random house party (random cos I didn’t know them),  turning up a bit later and catching up on alcoholic beverages.  We were also sharing a bottle of honey vodka,  which seemed like a legit idea at the time.
    Some how this party turned into a lesbian orgy with whipped cream and naked ham wallets everywhere. I’m not naturally bi,  but I’m pretty easy going,  have made out with chicks before and drunkenly thought “yeah! Let’s do this!”  RG is next to me going down on a chick,  I’m randomly making out with a chick who I can’t even tell what she looks like I’m that off my face – nek minnit I’m having a meal out of her wet lettuce.  But HOLY CRAP I’m fucking drunk and realise I have no freakin idea what to do to cook some meat curtains!
    So I grab RG’s head and shove it in my girl’s lady locker telling her to help me out here (yep,  I’m all class when I’m drinking!)  Then a guy comes in and I tell him to finish her,  which he obliges to while we stand awkwardly at the window smoking fags.
    This was then followed by me *apparently* naked vomiting into a bath and passing out (I say apparently because if I can’t see it it’s not there and I don’t remember so it makes in pure conjecture!).
    That was my first (and probably last because I’m so hilariously scarred) lesbian encounter (and encounter with honey vodka,  you evil poison you).
  • It’s so small you don’t even know if you did it
    I had a friend once where we constantly flirted and joked about doing the deed.  Pretty sure now he actually liked me,  but I was completely oblivious to it.  Anyway.  After a handful of ages of joking about it,  one day we decided to actually do it because…. you know, whatever?
    He was slightly bigger,  we were in the backseat of his car,  I straddled him,  but I guess the position we were in and the size of his peen I don’t even know if it went in….or if we even finished…..it was so fucking awkward.  I didn’t want to do the “is it in yet?” thing because that would be devastating,  but I just didn’t know what to do.
    Now,  I don’t have a problem with peeny size and I think it was just the position,  but after this awkward encounter we didn’t really try again.

And there you have it,  a small snapshot of some of the awkward sexual encounters I have had.

It’s not always sunshines and orgasms my friends,  but at least you can lol about it later.

Nonsense Unicorn


13 Comments

Bad Girl Blogger

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I didn’t think I was a bad girl.. But I took a look at myself – I’ve got fetlife open, am wearing no underwear and earlier I sent sharn a pic of my tits. And that’s just *now*, let alone the rest of the day. On the outside I look innocent as pie but on the inside, I admit, there is a naughty little elf running the show.

So a big thankyou to j for nominating me. I will say that I’ve grown so much since coming on here, and exploring more kinks, lifestyles and types of people has been a massive bonus.
Little known fact about jblondie everyone – she was one of our first followers 🙂 we go WAY back! (to Feb.. Hehe!)

So I have to choose 3-5?!?! Fuck that. I’m doing 10. Its an award to girls who are embracing their sexuality and doing so with no shame so the more the merrier! Yes, a lot of these girls may have already been nominated but it won’t stop me professing my sexy love to them.

In no real order, may I present the lovely, sexy and downright devious 10:
Nonsense Unicorn: my bum chum, other half, bestie and fellow rainbow maker. She’s not only getting this award for being all those things, but also because the other day she sent me a photo of her wearing a face-mounted sex toy. If we bug her enough, she’ll do a nonsense review on it 😉 She’s another shameless innocent looking deviant, I’ll blame the fact that we went to a catholic school for our apparent debauchery 😛

Sexaholics Anonymous: DV has had so many awkward sex encounters that after first offering to buy her a pity drink, I think we’re now sitting at 2 bottles of tequila. In Vegas. See you next year sunshine! ❤

Spankalicious: Sharn, my lovable kinky mentor. She’s full off stories and I plan on getting them all out of her, while also in Vegas and strung up with rope like a piñata. There will be sooo much giggling! Xo

Deliciously Inappropriate: two words – good lord. If you’re into being dominated by men, being tied up or random alien sex, then there’s some serious erotica to flick the bean or stroke your wood to. I looove her dirty mind!

Illustrated Erotic Sex Positions: Instant boner. Every time. And I’m a girl. So many handy tips and dayaaammmm the gifs! Go. There. Now.

Kiwi Fruit: This kiwi firecracker is a mischevious little minx! She has an open relationship, loves spankings, gang bangs and watching her hubby bone her friend during a threesome. She lives the good life!

Evie the Rabbit: another bi poly gal to tickle your whiskers! If Evie is a rabbit and we go down the ‘rabbit hole’, then is that erotic? I’ll go with yes. Go and perve on her boobies (spoiler alert: pegs are involved!) and read her stories of spankings, girls and kink.

The Woman Invisible: i’m addicted. There’s sexting, sexcapades, dating, affairs. Read some of M’s posts and you’ll just want to sit down and have a wine and laugh with her.

Ann St Vincent: she’s probably sick of getting these, she’s a popular gal! But when you get to know her you’ll understand why – she’s supportive, gives us a good shake when we need a reality check and the rest of the time she’s sharing her shameless interactions for our entertainment. She’s given me the idea to try dp!

Co-ed Topless Pulp Fiction Society: this group is amazing. They hang out topless, read, do fun activities (acrobatic yoga anyone?) and don’t give a damn. All colours and sizes welcome, go check them out. If you live in NY, go get yer knockers out with them!

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RULES: If you are a recipient, please choose 3-5 female bloggers who write about sex (or post sexy pics of them selves, or both) that you admire and award them by passing on the award photo above and the rules.  Also, give a brief explanations of why you love those bloggers so much.  Be sure to notify your favorite bloggers that they got the award!