Well of course my perfect life wouldn’t be perfect. Its laughable to think it’d all work out. If you’re wondering why I’ve been quiet, there’s a slight shit storm brewing. Let me explain.
*I’ve started dating the hulk again.
*We have a long distance, semi-polyamorous relationship (he is fine with me dating/sexing women but not men yet).
*He agreed that together we would work to a fully open relationship one step at a time, and would get there by my holiday in august next year. I’m going to the lovely US of A for Burning Man, Vegas, and some catch ups with blogging friends.
*Open isn’t enough for me, I want full poly, but I figure it’s a start.
*He is fine with me having cheeky/dirty convos with other men and sending them cheeky pics.
*We have a history that goes back 6 years now.
*It won’t be long distance for too much longer, once I finish renovating this house (january-ish), I’ll be moving back in with him.
So ok, right before we got back together I spent time with DD (daddy Dom). Although he started as a SD (sugar daddy), I felt that the money and offering of gifts made me feel guilty. We got into more of a DD/LG (little girl) relationship where he cared for me and gave me rules like saying goodnight every night before I went to bed.
I say ‘relationship’ but really, when I started dating the hulk again I was totally upfront with DD. We couldn’t play for now but maybe in the future we could again. We had started as friends, moved to fwbs, and were kind of at this D/S DD/LG sexless horny friends point. There was no hard feelings or problems when I told DD I was no longer single, he was very mature about the whole thing. He just wants to see me happy.
Anyway, the hulk wasn’t cool with me sexing guys so I stuck to my word and didn’t meet up with DD again. I did however carry on cheeky convos and talking about memories of my and DD’s playtimes. He managed to Dom me through text and tell me which toys to play with, how and for how long. Not quite the same as him being here but hey, he did the best he could without stepping on anyone’s toes.
We spoke everyday and got quite close. He’s kinky so let’s me embrace my wild side and we had some interesting convos, sharing articles, erotica and fetishy photos found online (as well as tease type black and whites). The hulk however is fairly vanilla and is uncomfortable discussing open relationships and fetishes. So that distanced us a little and I became ever closer to DD.
The hulk came up last weekend and took me away to a riverside cabin down the coast. We discussed our relationship. He asked if I was getting close to someone. I said “yes, I have a friend that I’m pretty close with and have feelings for. If we were poly I would consider dating him”.
He asked if he knew the friend. I said yes. He then tries to guess who it is and starts getting worked up, especially when I refuse to partake in this guessing game. We talk it through calmly and logically (you should know that’s my style by now!), and he tells me I’ve broken his trust and he feels uncomfortable.
I tell him I feel like I can’t be my true self in front of him because he doesn’t like discussing anything kinky or about open/poly relationships. He lets me discuss what I want and reacts relatively positively. Yay, progress! He’ll never get to DD’s level, but at least he’s open to more fun.
Then he brings up DD again.
“I need you to stop talking to him.”
“No chance, he’s my friend.”
“Well at least tell him you just want to be friends, don’t lead him on. You should have told me the second you got feelings for him, I’ve lost your trust now.”
I really truly despise being controlled. And feeling like I’m being punished for being honest. I say “I can totally understand why people cheat now. I haven’t slept with him while we’ve been back together, I’ve told you all this honestly and I feel like I’m being punished for it. I’m poly. Just because I’ve got feelings for someone else, doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving you or want to leave you for him. I’m happy to have you both with you being my primary. I wouldn’t date him just he and I, and I wouldn’t move in with him. He’s secondary to you. Any sort of relationship I have with him doesn’t affect our relationship, but not allowing me to talk about things I like does.”
Somewhere in the conversation I bring up that I’d like to go to couples counselling. He agrees.
Drama over? Nope.
While we were away, DD put $400 in my account. I mentioned to him in passing last week that my bank balance was in the negative and I was ignoring calls from the bank. He bugged me for 2 days for my account details. He told me he’d put in a couple of hundred and it could just sit there for when bills came in and I had no money. Finally I relented. What I thought would be 200 turned out to be 400. Gosh, he truly is lovely.
I noticed the money there after telling him I’m going to have to distance myself a little and stick to friends for the sake of the hulk. He said that’s ok but no more DD/LG, no more pet names, no more cheeky texts. It killed me but I understood it was necessary to enter the friendzone in order to keep the hulk happy.
Seeing as the hulk wanted honesty, I told him about the money. “Give it back. If you need money just ask me.” Well I tried, but DD wouldn’t give me his bank details. He told me he knew we were only friends but friends help each other when they are in need. I chatted with another friend about it and they reminded me that my money was my money. I decided to just stop bugging him for his details and keep it. The hulk shouldn’t be controlling me like that.
So this is where I sit now. About to start couples counselling (so I feel like my views and needs are being heard too), friendzoned with DD (which I feel especially awful about because he just found out his only parent has cancer and his job will most likely be made redundant soon), and being kept real busy with work.
I’m still here reading what all of you are up to but I’m just trying to keep my feet on the ground so I don’t float away with all the drama. Mostly this is achieved with work and sleep so sorry for taking so long to get through your posts. Feel free to console/scald/enlighten/entertain/arouse/distract/high 5 me or make me laugh by showing me a clip of a baby goat jumping off another goats back 😀 More posts coming soon, promise!