For almost a month the Boy and I have had the DISpleasure of having his brother and partner stay with us in the interim of them moving from interstate. Before they arrived, many sources told me, “this will not end well”, but I thought really, what could go wrong? We have plenty of space here, it’ll be fine!
Oh, so very very wrong.
Now I’ve lived with roommates before (which actually, didn’t end well either – what was I thinking this time?!) – but I thought they are family, they would be different to living with random slobs. Nope – family can be just as bad (even worse). And atleast when I was living with the randoms they were PAYING rent – these family members were getting a free ride out of the goodness of our little hearts.
Really makes the term “common decency” the most ironic term if there ever was one.
So, for you clueless slobs out there who may need to live at someone else’s house for a while – here are some tips on how to NOT be a terrible roommate.
RESPECT OTHER PEOPLES PROPERTY
Wanna sit outside and smoke like a chimney on our brand new wooden outdoor setting? That’s fine, but clean up your dirty fucking ashes off the surface before it stains! We are not rich people, so we take very good care of all our furniture and stuff because we can’t afford to buy more! So give our stuff the same respect!
This killed me – constantly finding dirty shit lying around everywhere. It’s really disrespectful. Remember – this isn’t your house and it isn’t a hotel – have some forethought for the people you are staying with before you start to sloth around.
NOT YOUR HOUSE – NOT YOUR RULES
I know this can sound pretty strict, but let me explain. We are not clean freak nazis, but we are definitely not slobs. Hey, we may not do the dishes straight away, but when we don’t we rinse all the dishes and stack them neatly until we are ready.
If that’s how we roll, you roll the same way. OR BETTER. If I tell you it’s not cool to leave the kitchen looking like a bomb hit it, then you apologise and comply. (This is exactly what happened, and I will write another blog about manipulative immature people regarding this).
If we only do washing loads when they are full, then it’s not okay for you to put a 4 hour wash on for 4 pieces of clothing. Water is freakin expensive! Again, we are not a freaking washing machine and can’t afford to pay for your frivolous behaviour.
PULL YOUR WEIGHT
Did I mention that we are not a hotel? You are living here, so contribute to maintaining the house. We are not your slaves who invited you here because we love cleaning up after you. (If I wanted to clean up after a grub I would have had a kid by now).
Wash the dishes. Vacuum. Wipe down the tables. Don’t sit there on your phones surrounded in your own filth while I am literally scrubbing your shit out of the toilet.
ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE STAYING FOR FREE. I don’t get it. Even when I stay at someone’s place just for a holiday, I clean the room I stay in, offer to wash the dishes or cook or DO SOMETHING to give back for their hospitality. How can people be so deluded and selfish not to even think, “What can we do for Boy and NU to help them while we are here?”
And THAT, you stupid immature child, is why you’re a freeloader. Even if you were paying, no amount of money can pay for respect and decency for your hosts. And I’m not asking you to be a slave – I’m asking you to contribute as much as I am. Doing the dishes once in a month does not constitute “pulling your weight”.
GIVE US SPACE
I set up their room so they had everything they need – I even set up a tv in there so they can watch things when we are using the tv downstairs. So, if we are playing playstation on OUR tv after a hard day’s work, don’t come whinging that you want to watch brain dribble like Big Brother. GO WATCH YOUR OWN TV. Sure, you are more than welcome to share this space too, but you cannot veto our space and our time, especially when I have gone to extra lengths to give you the extra comforts you need.
BE APPRECIATIVE YOU SELFISH FUCKS
In the time they have been here I have done a lot for them, when it really should be the other way around. They helped out ONE DAY for a bbq, so I bought them chocolates as thanks.
On numerous occasions, I cooked them dinner out of consideration for them cos I felt bad for them with their povo canned soups, and barely got a thank you. It was more a, “score! Free dinner!” How about you offer to clean the dishes after I slaved away making you a roast dinner?
There was one evening I did snap at them and went to my room (all over them wanting to watch Big Brother – I should have known then it was bad news). The next day I apologised for my behaviour and bought them scones as retribution.
Fair enough you may not be able to afford financial retribution – and that’s not what I ask for. Show your appreciation by washing the dishes, or doing something else so I don’t feel like your fucking slave.
TAKE INITIATIVE YOU SUCKERS
“Guys, can you please not leave empty cans in the garden?”
“Guys, can you please rinse your dishes?”
I don’t want to be a naggy person – why do you force me to be so? Why do you have to be such children? Fair enough if you wanna live like that in your own home, but don’t do this shit in our house.
Never forget or get too complacent that this is someone else’s property, so AGAIN have some forethought and don’t wait to be asked to clean up after your slovenly selves.
I always thought these things were common sense, but obviously from our experience it really isn’t so.
So, I urge anyone who may need to live with someone else for a while to take heed of these notes if you don’t want to break important relationships to you – because it will happen.
(You know what makes it worse? I confronted our roommates yesterday about leaving the kitchen in a mess – instead of an apology, I got met with defensive immature dribble and a non-acceptance for their shortcomings, which long story short has led to me to be “the bitch” and now vindicated by the external family as a terrible person. WTF. Seriously, this bitch will get her comeuppance….)
And that my friends is why, roommates: NOT EVEN ONCE.