Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

Awkward Boners


Oh my good god, I love giving guys boners at awkward times.

Maybe its a naughty secret thing, or a controlling thing (lack of control on their part) or a power trip thing but yeah man, I love it. I grin like an idiot on the outside and giggle like a schoolgirl on the inside.

Girls, this skill is a good one to have. If you can give a guy a boner at an awkward time, then you are a true master. I encourage you for starters to learn the art of the dirty msg. It can be fun, help someone out or just be downright devious.

If you have a partner, dirty msgs will keep the spark alive, especially if you send it at lunchtime and let your partner mull over it all afternoon. If you’re single, start chatting to other singles and slowly sway the conversation in that direction. Most often than not, it will be reciprocated.

Let it be noted at this point that if this guy has the ability to see you, and you’ve just given him a boner, be prepared to carry the fun on past messages. Don’t lead him on then deny him, we’re here to create some fun, so keep that devious grin on your face when he turns up in your lunch break, smacks you on the arse and sneaks you into the bathroom. If you’re not able to see him, and hes LOVING your messages, do him a favour and at least carry it on with enough ammo for him to wank to. A guy with a big smile, however he might get it, is damn sexy.

Dirty Messaging Ideas
*Say what you’d like to do to/with them – ‘when you get home I’m going to…’
*Roleplay a fantasy situation – ‘I want to swim in a pool naked with you. We would end up on the pool edge…’
*Send photos – Bought some new lingerie? Do a selfie. Or learn how to work the timer. Personally I think lingerie photos are sexier because it creates some mystery and lace is sexyyyy but if you like taking nudes then go for it.
– I tried nudes once and looked like a beached whale (and I’m thin!), so be prepared for some/most of the photos to look god awful until you work out the right angles for your photos.
– Try different colour settings like sepia and black and white.
– Don’t put your face in a shot! Honestly. Trust your hubby? Well you could have a bitter divorce in 3 years and guess what photos start appearing on the internet. Unless you’re happy for your junk to be plastered on the net, just crop half/most/all of your face out.
*Send links of erotica or hot photos of strangers from the web. It gets the groin region switched on!

*Most of all, have fun with it! If you’re doing a good job you’ll get horny too so its a win-win. Unless you choose to do it at an awkward moment of the day..

Now, if you’re lucky, some odd situations will arise from your cheeky msgs. Here’s some examples of mine:

The surprisingly bad time boner
I recently messaged my married ex a dirty message. Yeah don’t judge, we have a crazy sexual attraction and no, he hasn’t cheated on his wife – yet šŸ˜‰ Anyway, turns out he was just walking into a nursing home. He had to awkwardly rearrange his junk so as to not appear like he was *very* excited to be visiting someone. When he told me, I got a grin from ear to ear. Couldn’t have timed that much better if I’d tried!

If I’m completely honest, I message him in the daytime knowing he’s a high school teacher. Yeah, pretty cheeky but I can’t msg him at night when he’s with his wife! I’ve received replies along the lines of ‘wow, just walking into a class, this is incredibly awkward..’ or ‘there’s a staff meeting starting now but I can’t get up from my desk yet..’ Hahaha the surprise bad timing boner is evil (albeit unintentional) but so hilarious! Sorry boys!

The helpful boner
Sometimes this skill is very useful. A week or so after the nursing home event, the married ex messages me. He’s horny and wants to see some photos to wank to. We get talking and he apologises for dropping off the radar for a week but his dad just died. I actually knew his dad from when we dated about 9 years ago and the poor guy had been sick even back then. But now as per request, I’ve got the task of helping him get a boner so he can wank and distract himself from the devastating sadness.

He even suggested meeting up as we were going to be in the same city for a few days. I said no. As much as I’d love to dominate that man and be his sexy kinky mistress in a hotel room, doing it under the guise of a coping mechanism would be a badddd idea. So instead I told him what would happen in that hotel room; tying him to a chair, pushing the chair backwards on the floor, then straddling his face and playing with myself so he could hear/see/smell me but not touch etc. Obviously there was more but that was the direction of it, he loves to be teased and tortured šŸ˜€ In conclusion, job successful.

The keeping you interested boner
This is tactful for both singles and couples. For couples, like I said earlier, planting the seed earlier in the day will help encourage some primal, urgent lovemaking later. In our busy lives it’s easy to push down the priority list, so showing your interested with an all afternoon tease will definitely push it to the top.

For single girls, and yeah I’m going to say this as bluntly as I can, it keeps options open. Keep them interested in you by standing out from the pack as a naughty minx. You may not act too cheeky if you’re trying to find a lifelong partner but damn, we have needs in the meantime. Get cheeky, get naughty, give them something to get a boner over and listen as they tell you (or show you) that they’ve wanked over your pics/thoughts of you.

Its an ego boost, and in turn will keep you doing it, and more often than not, your dirty convos will help give YOU wanking ammo too (yes, I say wanking for men *and* women – its easier). Its also a good way to figure out what you find hot, and what you don’t. You might find out some new ideas from your convos, or notice that you like bringing it back to the same kinky ideas. Take note of what stirs your loins! And then tell the guy! I sometimes get a pain like an electric bolt in my body and lose my breath a bit – yes! Words can have a massive affect on you. I figure it’s the vagina switching on šŸ˜›

Now that you’ve gained some confidence in your ability, you can move on to awkward boners in person. Yep girls, rub him up, whisper something devious in his ear, suck on a finger/lollipop/iceblock while looking at him or casually touch your lady parts (adjust your shirt/waistband for far longer than necessary).

Before you all start carrying on about feminism and equality and whatever else nonsense, listen up. You’re having some cheeky fun. Peacocks walk around with their feathers up to lure in the ladies, well we can suck on a lollipop with a cheeky look in the eye and do the same thing to lure men. It’s nature.

Frisky in Public Ideas
*At a restaurant – there’s the added benefit of a tablecloth so you can be quite naughty under there. If its floor length, oh my good god, for my sake could you pleeeease give him a bj under the table? It’s asking for it!
*When standing in a crowd or even just chatting with a group of friends – subtly rub your arse against his groin region. You might even be able to get a hand around there to stroke the outside (or inside!) of his pants.
*At a bar – there’s always people making out in bars. Make sure that’s you occasionally. Stop caring about what people think, in fact, most people there are drunk or caught up in conversation/dancing and won’t notice. And I’d bet at least half of them will look at you two and wish they were doing the same with someone. Don’t just keep it as a cute kissing sesh, kiss progressively more passionately and urgently. Rub your hand down his chest, over his bulge and tuck a couple of fingers down his waistband.
*In the car – ohhhh yes, we all know this one. A bit of stroking can progress to a bj and if you’re as lucky as me (ha!), you too can be caught by a passenger in a truck. Being up high, they do get a good view but truckies, it’s offputting when we hear a truck pull up beside us and hang next to the car for an extended period. And then look up to see a face grinning back.
With this one, expect for the car to be pulled over and some car sex to happen right then and there. Its naughty so do it! I’ve had sex in the car at a Red Rooster carpark. There was a lot of giggling. And bonus, I got some food bought for me after, how sweet haha! A car boner is also the reason for me ticking ‘sex on a car bonnet’ on my Sucket List (sex bucket list).

Other Boner-inducing Cheekiness
*Go out one time wearing a dress and no underwear. This is so incredibly hot, and like sharing his boner secret, he’s now sharing yours. Whisper it in his ear and watch him try to keep a straight face (and his hands away from you!).
*Wear some ben-wa balls on one of your outings. Much like the last point, tell him quietly that you have a toy inside you, and that its making you verrry horny.
*Vibrating panties! Seriously. Wear them and hand him the remote discretely. This is not a good idea to do in a quiet setting or somewhere real inappropriate (like around kids/in church/while having lunch with family). A walk in the park is a good spot for it. Watching you try not to moan and squirm around will make him grin and get delicious thoughts.

I find that a man admitting he is hard while out in public verrry sexy, so guys, LET HER KNOW. Whisper it in our ear or point it out, but not in a loud obvious manner, do it as quietly and nondescript as possible – we want to be in on the secret. It switches on our inner deviant and we’ll be thinking of ways to help sort that out.

Girls, sometimes we just need to take the lead and start some fun. We’re built to be the masters of tease. We’re the peacock. So use it! Imagine if the peacock slumped its way into the nest and just layed there saying it was tired and exhausted. Well I don’t know peacocks, maybe they have their moments, and go ahead and do that sometimes, but being happy, vivacious, flirty and sexy is what we’re best at. Give some awkward boners! Sex is meant to be fun, but teasing before the event makes it that much better šŸ˜€

Rambling Goat


Author: ramblingg0at

Life loves to set me up for its own entertainment. But instead of me hiding these awkward moments, I plan on sharing them for my own (and possibly your) amusement. Now who's laughing, life?

2 thoughts on “Awkward Boners

  1. You left out the reading-this-blog boner!

    Seriously, great ideas and intriguing stories. Personally I’m a big fan of dress no panties. That always gets me going indeed…

    • Haha the more boners, the better šŸ˜‰

      I don’t often wear a dress, and its just not the same cheekiness with pants šŸ˜¦ I just need to find a nice dress-but-no-underwear kinda gal to amuse me šŸ˜‰

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