Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


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Pussy Power

This post has been a long time coming, mainly because I felt like in ‘giving this secret away’, men might take it the wrong way. But I’ve honestly had enough of watching women succumb to the pressures of attracting men.

Men, try not to take this as a negative, it’s Rambling Goat empowering women. I love you guys, and don’t you forget it.

This is for all the girls who.. Ahh fuck it, this is for all girls.

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There is nothing here that I’m about to say that you don’t know. Some of us just forget occasionally and a lot of us don’t use this information to our advantage. But listen up – There’s a magical treasure box of awesomeness between your legs.

Words don’t even begin to describe how amazingly awesome this little region is. It’s nature at its finest. It’s so much more intense than say, a leg. Its intricate, internal *and* external, and sensitive. It has demands. It affects our ability to think/focus. It’s pleasure can make us feel like we’re flying to another planet. Or if you really push it to the extreme limit of pleasure, well I assume thats how a heroin junkie feels after they shoot up. Can’t move, can’t talk, need a blanket, floating.

Its a crazy part of the body, but we can get so used to having a vagina that we forget how truly awesome it is.

Men love our vaginas. And why wouldn’t they; we smell and taste good (so long as we keep our hygiene up!), have a whole bunch of magical folds and bumps that respond to touch, and are the perfect puzzle piece for their manlihood.

It’s like a game to play with someone else’s punani. There’s so many different combinations of touch and when you get the right ones for that girl, bingo, you hit the jackpot. Its like a very hands-on video game. Any man that does not want to play this video game is nuts. Well ok, I’ll be more rational – they may have a severe lack of confidence, mental issues, or are immature and just after their own pleasure (poke poke spooge). Let’s say 99% of men *want* their tongue in your folds, but some don’t go through with it. Its the want/need/desire they have for our vaginas that is important in this post.

Let’s put this simply. A vagina feels better for a guy than a hand. It’s wet, bumpy, tight (well ok not always..), soft and has a moaning girl attached to it. There’s also other sexy features nearby – the bum and the tits. And don’t forget the soft skin, arching back, curved hips etc etc. Yep, us women have all the right stuff to arouse hetero men. And some other women 😀

We already all joke that the penis has a mind of its own, but surprise surprise, we hold the key that controls that mind. If women all over the world all went on a holiday away from men, they’d still wank at the thought of us. Its human nature to be sexually attracted to others and we’ve got the goods to attract men.

The best part is, we carry the treasure box (and other fun features) around with us every. single. day. Yep, we can walk into a room of men and know that we hold the key. And this is what I like to call Pussy Power. It’s the confidence from awareness. I know I can walk down the street and have guys not only look at me, but think sexual thoughts about me. If I get rejected at a bar, I know I can walk over to the next group of guys and find a taker if I so wish. I refuse to be put off and emotionally scarred by one guy when I know the majority of men would be happy to have me. This pussy power awareness makes me confident. And guess what, confidence is sexy.

So ladies, realise that you have pussy power. I’m not telling you to go around telling everyone how awesome you are, how you have pussy power and can attract a man at the drop of a hat. I’m telling you to say it in your head. On the outside is a smile, a good posture of straight back and chest out, butt feeling a bit more pert and cute than usual and if you’re wearing high heels then there’s definitely a sexy strut to accompany all this. No one knows what’s going on in your head except you. They just see what’s on the outside and with pussy power thoughts on the inside, the outside looks will be that much more sexy.

Next time you get rejected, forget him. Pussy power didn’t work on him (maybe he’s already taken, or you’re not exactly his cup of tea) but it sure as heck will work on the next guy. Don’t give up. You own a magical treasure box of awesomeness and don’t you forget it.

Rambling Goat


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Awkward Boners

Oh my good god, I love giving guys boners at awkward times.

Maybe its a naughty secret thing, or a controlling thing (lack of control on their part) or a power trip thing but yeah man, I love it. I grin like an idiot on the outside and giggle like a schoolgirl on the inside.
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Girls, this skill is a good one to have. If you can give a guy a boner at an awkward time, then you are a true master. I encourage you for starters to learn the art of the dirty msg. It can be fun, help someone out or just be downright devious.

If you have a partner, dirty msgs will keep the spark alive, especially if you send it at lunchtime and let your partner mull over it all afternoon. If you’re single, start chatting to other singles and slowly sway the conversation in that direction. Most often than not, it will be reciprocated.

Let it be noted at this point that if this guy has the ability to see you, and you’ve just given him a boner, be prepared to carry the fun on past messages. Don’t lead him on then deny him, we’re here to create some fun, so keep that devious grin on your face when he turns up in your lunch break, smacks you on the arse and sneaks you into the bathroom. If you’re not able to see him, and hes LOVING your messages, do him a favour and at least carry it on with enough ammo for him to wank to. A guy with a big smile, however he might get it, is damn sexy.

Dirty Messaging Ideas
*Say what you’d like to do to/with them – ‘when you get home I’m going to…’
*Roleplay a fantasy situation – ‘I want to swim in a pool naked with you. We would end up on the pool edge…’
*Send photos – Bought some new lingerie? Do a selfie. Or learn how to work the timer. Personally I think lingerie photos are sexier because it creates some mystery and lace is sexyyyy but if you like taking nudes then go for it.
– I tried nudes once and looked like a beached whale (and I’m thin!), so be prepared for some/most of the photos to look god awful until you work out the right angles for your photos.
– Try different colour settings like sepia and black and white.
– Don’t put your face in a shot! Honestly. Trust your hubby? Well you could have a bitter divorce in 3 years and guess what photos start appearing on the internet. Unless you’re happy for your junk to be plastered on the net, just crop half/most/all of your face out.
*Send links of erotica or hot photos of strangers from the web. It gets the groin region switched on!
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*Most of all, have fun with it! If you’re doing a good job you’ll get horny too so its a win-win. Unless you choose to do it at an awkward moment of the day..

Now, if you’re lucky, some odd situations will arise from your cheeky msgs. Here’s some examples of mine:

The surprisingly bad time boner
I recently messaged my married ex a dirty message. Yeah don’t judge, we have a crazy sexual attraction and no, he hasn’t cheated on his wife – yet 😉 Anyway, turns out he was just walking into a nursing home. He had to awkwardly rearrange his junk so as to not appear like he was *very* excited to be visiting someone. When he told me, I got a grin from ear to ear. Couldn’t have timed that much better if I’d tried!

If I’m completely honest, I message him in the daytime knowing he’s a high school teacher. Yeah, pretty cheeky but I can’t msg him at night when he’s with his wife! I’ve received replies along the lines of ‘wow, just walking into a class, this is incredibly awkward..’ or ‘there’s a staff meeting starting now but I can’t get up from my desk yet..’ Hahaha the surprise bad timing boner is evil (albeit unintentional) but so hilarious! Sorry boys!

The helpful boner
Sometimes this skill is very useful. A week or so after the nursing home event, the married ex messages me. He’s horny and wants to see some photos to wank to. We get talking and he apologises for dropping off the radar for a week but his dad just died. I actually knew his dad from when we dated about 9 years ago and the poor guy had been sick even back then. But now as per request, I’ve got the task of helping him get a boner so he can wank and distract himself from the devastating sadness.

He even suggested meeting up as we were going to be in the same city for a few days. I said no. As much as I’d love to dominate that man and be his sexy kinky mistress in a hotel room, doing it under the guise of a coping mechanism would be a badddd idea. So instead I told him what would happen in that hotel room; tying him to a chair, pushing the chair backwards on the floor, then straddling his face and playing with myself so he could hear/see/smell me but not touch etc. Obviously there was more but that was the direction of it, he loves to be teased and tortured 😀 In conclusion, job successful.

The keeping you interested boner
This is tactful for both singles and couples. For couples, like I said earlier, planting the seed earlier in the day will help encourage some primal, urgent lovemaking later. In our busy lives it’s easy to push down the priority list, so showing your interested with an all afternoon tease will definitely push it to the top.

For single girls, and yeah I’m going to say this as bluntly as I can, it keeps options open. Keep them interested in you by standing out from the pack as a naughty minx. You may not act too cheeky if you’re trying to find a lifelong partner but damn, we have needs in the meantime. Get cheeky, get naughty, give them something to get a boner over and listen as they tell you (or show you) that they’ve wanked over your pics/thoughts of you.

Its an ego boost, and in turn will keep you doing it, and more often than not, your dirty convos will help give YOU wanking ammo too (yes, I say wanking for men *and* women – its easier). Its also a good way to figure out what you find hot, and what you don’t. You might find out some new ideas from your convos, or notice that you like bringing it back to the same kinky ideas. Take note of what stirs your loins! And then tell the guy! I sometimes get a pain like an electric bolt in my body and lose my breath a bit – yes! Words can have a massive affect on you. I figure it’s the vagina switching on 😛

Now that you’ve gained some confidence in your ability, you can move on to awkward boners in person. Yep girls, rub him up, whisper something devious in his ear, suck on a finger/lollipop/iceblock while looking at him or casually touch your lady parts (adjust your shirt/waistband for far longer than necessary).

Before you all start carrying on about feminism and equality and whatever else nonsense, listen up. You’re having some cheeky fun. Peacocks walk around with their feathers up to lure in the ladies, well we can suck on a lollipop with a cheeky look in the eye and do the same thing to lure men. It’s nature.
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Frisky in Public Ideas
*At a restaurant – there’s the added benefit of a tablecloth so you can be quite naughty under there. If its floor length, oh my good god, for my sake could you pleeeease give him a bj under the table? It’s asking for it!
*When standing in a crowd or even just chatting with a group of friends – subtly rub your arse against his groin region. You might even be able to get a hand around there to stroke the outside (or inside!) of his pants.
*At a bar – there’s always people making out in bars. Make sure that’s you occasionally. Stop caring about what people think, in fact, most people there are drunk or caught up in conversation/dancing and won’t notice. And I’d bet at least half of them will look at you two and wish they were doing the same with someone. Don’t just keep it as a cute kissing sesh, kiss progressively more passionately and urgently. Rub your hand down his chest, over his bulge and tuck a couple of fingers down his waistband.
*In the car – ohhhh yes, we all know this one. A bit of stroking can progress to a bj and if you’re as lucky as me (ha!), you too can be caught by a passenger in a truck. Being up high, they do get a good view but truckies, it’s offputting when we hear a truck pull up beside us and hang next to the car for an extended period. And then look up to see a face grinning back.
With this one, expect for the car to be pulled over and some car sex to happen right then and there. Its naughty so do it! I’ve had sex in the car at a Red Rooster carpark. There was a lot of giggling. And bonus, I got some food bought for me after, how sweet haha! A car boner is also the reason for me ticking ‘sex on a car bonnet’ on my Sucket List (sex bucket list).

Other Boner-inducing Cheekiness
*Go out one time wearing a dress and no underwear. This is so incredibly hot, and like sharing his boner secret, he’s now sharing yours. Whisper it in his ear and watch him try to keep a straight face (and his hands away from you!).
*Wear some ben-wa balls on one of your outings. Much like the last point, tell him quietly that you have a toy inside you, and that its making you verrry horny.
*Vibrating panties! Seriously. Wear them and hand him the remote discretely. This is not a good idea to do in a quiet setting or somewhere real inappropriate (like around kids/in church/while having lunch with family). A walk in the park is a good spot for it. Watching you try not to moan and squirm around will make him grin and get delicious thoughts.

I find that a man admitting he is hard while out in public verrry sexy, so guys, LET HER KNOW. Whisper it in our ear or point it out, but not in a loud obvious manner, do it as quietly and nondescript as possible – we want to be in on the secret. It switches on our inner deviant and we’ll be thinking of ways to help sort that out.

Girls, sometimes we just need to take the lead and start some fun. We’re built to be the masters of tease. We’re the peacock. So use it! Imagine if the peacock slumped its way into the nest and just layed there saying it was tired and exhausted. Well I don’t know peacocks, maybe they have their moments, and go ahead and do that sometimes, but being happy, vivacious, flirty and sexy is what we’re best at. Give some awkward boners! Sex is meant to be fun, but teasing before the event makes it that much better 😀

Rambling Goat


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I’m poor and full of useless talents

I’m always poor. Which is ironic because I’ve always wanted to be rich. I used to read investment books when I was a teenager and had a list of goals written on a sheet of paper stuck to my bedroom wall. Listed were all monetary goals like “buy an investment property by 25” and “buy my own car”. There was never any “get married by 25 and have kids by 27” like some of my friends.

When I turned 18 my parents gave me $500 worth of shares. Most other 18 year olds would want alcohol I’m sure, but my mum was already buying alcohol on my behalf at 15 (and I was vomiting said alcohol up on white carpet in front of my friends grandparents) so it wasn’t exactly worthy of a birthday present. Shares would last me longer than fun-in-a-bottle.

When I was 21 my brother and I bought an investment property in Sydney CBD. We still own it now and it’s almost doubled in value. The rent pays the mortgage and bills. We did our research, we had the motivation and we did darn tootin’ good. And Sydney is fucking expensive so its a miracle really. I’m not sure how we got approved for the loan because he was working as a casual and I was an apprentice but everything just went perfectly. He’s now gone on to buy more and earn god knows how much a week in a high paying job, while I somehow live off $50 a week. Yep, pretty sure homeless people earn more than me.

The reason for my lack of funds is that I’m renovating a house with my parents for investment. So while I may be poor now, I should be back to seeing a real life $100 note (or a few if I’m lucky 😛 ) when we sell the house. But who am I kidding, I’m very often poor and/or unemployed. I travel a lot. And have never asked what the pay is when I apply for jobs – I prefer to be happy in a workplace than earn x amount. If they treat me like rubbish (pretty normal for an outspoken woman in a male dominated field), I just leave.

I don’t put up with shit. One boss once called me a dumb blonde (I had brown hair? Does he not understand the premise?!). One once told me to work faster (I replied “do YOU want to do it then? I’m going as fast as I can, I’m not a robot. I’m happy to do something else if you want to do this instead.” He was speechless). That same one told me he pays me to work, not talk (he used to turn the radio up so no one could talk, and ‘caught’ me talking to a 60+ year old man while working. I quit that afternoon). Needless to say, there’s often time of unemployment between jobs.

The longest I was unemployed for was close to 18 months. Aaand I was living with my ex’s family. And getting money by selling plants on a little stall out on the side of the road and getting a bit of window cleaning work from my dad here and there.

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One day I was window cleaning this house and the woman who lived there came out and started talking to me – it was my old teacher. And this was about 7 years after I finished school. She asked if I was studying and I said no. She gave an awkward smile and walked off. I couldn’t be bothered explaining anything about my life to her (like that I *have* studied and have recently moved to a new area and not yet found a worthy job etc etc). I couldn’t be bothered mainly because she didn’t recognise my now seemingly surprising ‘gifts and talents’ and I was still a little perplexed by it.

In one of her classes (she taught religion), I wrote the whole lesson backwards. Boredom creates unusual skills it seems. She came over to me and got annoyed saying “how are you going to read that back later?!?!” I ripped the page out, turned it around and held it up to a window, “like that?”. She kicked me out of class.

To be fair I DID actually make it to the ‘gifted and talented’ class one year at school. But I only lasted one year. I guess they realised I didn’t want to do maths questions after school and was back to ungifted and untalented. Maths was my worst subject! I’m pretty sure you can be gifted and talented without the need of maths. Make that bunch of math-loving nerd write backwards, upside down, or BOTH (yeah I really have too much free time on my hands..) and we’ll see who comes out on top. If you’re confused how this even works, q is a good example:
qp (normal, backwards)
db (upside down, backwards and upside down).

For the record, I got in the class for being a reader/writer to disabled students for their English exams. English is my thing, not maths. I don’t give a fuck how many apples billy has, but I can write up a fanciful story about how he got that apple 😉

So the lesson here is you can be poor as shit, talk back, drink a lot, have a bunch of useless talents and still be awesome. Some things may be shit in life but I’ll tell you what’s shitter; having no stories to tell. It doesn’t matter if they’re good, bad or ridiculous. Stories make you interesting 😀

Rambling Goat


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So apparently I’m 17 again..

That dreaded 10 year high school reunion we’ve been mentioning has now been and gone. And of course your trusty Rambling Goat was going to make it eventful..

I guess some background info for my school is that it was pretty superficial. It’s not necessarily a rich area, but it’s in a secluded (of their own choice) region and most people love the area so much that they never leave. I went to a Catholic school, and although some were religious, I think most people chose this school because it was private as opposed to a public school. My family isn’t religious in the slightest.

The girls weren’t exactly bitchy but fashionably speaking, I didn’t match. They wore dresses on casual clothes days (we wore a uniform normally), had long hair, wore makeup, drank girly drinks and loved Mariah Carey. I used to wear baggy Jean shorts with a chain, a white singlet, didn’t have a clue about makeup and listened to Blink 182 and Linkin Park. FYI, I did go through a very brief dress and heel phase when I turned 18 and started going to bars, and can still pull it off, but its not my thing.

The girls in school were all giving themselves x amount of years to find a husband, and would talk about how good it would be to find a rich man. I was a bright coloured jeans and converse type girl with a ciggy hangin out my mouth and snorting speed off the back of a toilet cistern (at work, not school). So needless to say, I wasn’t exactly in the same mind frame. I had guy friends, would get no sleep, would go raving, would sleep in religion class, get detention etc etc.

So the reunion, where do I start.. Ok well I ran late for predrinks. Which I blame mostly on the sugar daddy sending me into subspace right before I was meant to leave, but I’m also going to blame it on traffic too.

The predrinks went well, I’d even got into convos about how slutty an ex-friend now is and listened to a thin girl tell me she needs to lose weight without too much twitching. Now for the minor detail which would make the night interesting – we were drinking champagne. I’d normally drink beer but the champers was there and free. Aaaand I didn’t drink beers because they wanted my help drinking the champagne.

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We got to the bar and after passing ‘popular’ girls done up with makeup, fancy clothes and screaming (to which I responded “oh my god”), Nonsense Unicorn and I hastily made our way to the toilets. Yes, we went to school together if you didn’t know 🙂 In the toilets this blonde bimbo poked her head in and did the kind of ‘hello’ that screamed ‘I don’t give a shit about you losers’. In this moment I knew the night was going to suck balls.

I was wearing no makeup, just had my hair out (and probably still had sex hair) and was wearing burgundy jeans, some awesome sneakers I got in Germany, a singlet and biker jacket. For someone who doesn’t give a fuck, I was starting to give a fuck.. Or maybe its better described as ‘whyyyy the fuck am I here again?!’. I’ve done nothing in 10 years, I smell like sex (from a sugar daddy no less), I probably look like an old hag thanks to no makeup and the strange lighting, but hey, gotta suck it up and do the walk of no shame through the crowd of superficial tools.

I got to see a bunch of nerdier girl friends from school who are lovely, and to be honest I hid there with them as long as I could. During this time, somehow rounds had started with the predrinks girls and I was drinking vodka-and-some-nonsense with a straw. All I wanted was beer but I figured I’d just go along with it – adding a third type of drink in the mix would end badly. Probably with vomit.

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I spotted a guy friend, then everything after that is hazy and/or missing from my memory. I remember seeing a best friend I had during high school, a bunch of people talking about getting married, engaged and/or having kids, some girl talking to me for 10 mins before I worked out who she was, smoking with one of the naughty boys from school (I haven’t smoked in years! WTF!), getting kicked out of the bar, then waking up at NU’s place. I was half naked on a blowup bed on the floor with dirt in the bed.

So what happened? Well apparently, the best friend from school bought me a bunch of drinks (still vodka), as did the guy friend, and then I was spotted doing shots with the naughty boy (I refuse to do shots at all now because they make me vomit so again, WTF?). Then after getting kicked out of the bar and NU yelling obscenities to the bouncer (aren’t friends the best? 😀 ), we went to the train station where once again in my life, cops saw me plastered. We went to the park where I vommed into the bushes, then got a taxi where I vommed out the door, and got back to NU’s house where I fell out on the ground and rolled around in the dirt under a tree in the pouring rain.

So… I guess that went well?

What lesson did I learn? That although I’ve basically done nothing in 10 years and not only looked and smelled of sex and vomit on a night when I probably should have put more effort in, I still have no shame. Apparently this classy bitch is still young so I’m going to bloody well act like it (whether I like it or not..).

Rambling Goat


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Officially Sugared

Ok its been a long time coming – I finally met up with the Sugar Daddy.

Here’s a little background info:
*He used to be my boss
*He’s older, let’s just say 40+. I don’t actually know his age and have never asked (and he’s never told me). I’m 27.
*He has grey hair and a short beard (like he hasn’t shaved in a week or 2)
*He’s fit and tattooed
*We stayed in contact when I left that workplace and we are good friends
*He’s mature when he wants to be, but drives a hotted up ute, has a motorbike, wears a hoodie at times and doesn’t exactly look or act like someone else of his age might. He can be silly and have a laugh too – we get along well despite the age difference
*He’s currently single and has no kids
*He told me he’s just looking for fun and after I complained that my libido was through the roof, he mentioned that if I wanted to have any fun, be a fwb or just continue being a friend, he’s happy either which way. Yep, he planted the seed.

Ok so we’d been talking for a while after this seed planting. Convos were getting dirtier, he sent dick pics (which just loudly I don’t like, but if it makes them happy doing it then I’m not going to stop them), and we had a talk about age difference. I was a little intimidated as he would mention older, tatted up girls that liked masturbating for him on skype. I’m just little ol’ awkward me – definitely not in the same boat as those girls! He told me calmly not to compare myself to others and that he likes me for the awkward silly younger girl that I am – its more down to earth than those other girls. Yes. What a gentleman.

He mentioned more than a few times that he’d like to buy me gifts and that he liked to do that for good friends. The conversation got onto sugar daddies. He said he didn’t like the term ‘daddy’ but everything pointed to him fitting under this label. I started following sugar daddy blogs to get an insight (I love you WordPress!).

I eventually had a chance to meet up for a few days (he lives 5 hrs drive/1 hr plane trip from me). It could have been sooner as he was prepared to pay for me to fly down, but being new to the sugar daddy thing, I just wanted to spend time with him on my terms first. I didn’t want gifts or money until after we’d had sex because getting them before that seemed a little greedy to me. I was actually struggling with the whole money/gift/paid holidays thing right from when he first mentioned it as I’m big into equality, but reading the SD blogs helped me realise its a win-win situation. The men want to do it and if it makes them happy then that makes me happy.

Anyway so we met up. And believe you me, I thought this would be a hilarious blog post about him taking his teeth out (he has like 4 fake ones in the front) and snoring next to my freaked-out self in bed. But wow. Words cannot explain how insanely good my time with him was.

As far as details go, well there were 7 sex adventures (just saying ‘sex’ doesn’t do them justice) in the 2 days, the quickest of which lasted over an hour. He worshipped my lady parts beyond what I thought was possible, he was skilled, fun, and kinky. He’d made me a spreader bar, had gone and bought – and then used on me – a whole bunch of toys and he also tied me up, choked me, nibbled, licked, teased and downright treated me as his little sex toy. Meow. I loved it.

He’s dominant and I wanted to make sure he was happy but he was completely enthralled with playing with me – I never even got a chance to give a bj. Shocking! And as far as penetration, well it was used to tease me a few different times in the piece (pounding then pulling out and doing something else) before he eventually came. And he only did so after I was so exhausted I could barely move.

Not only that but we’d spend the rest of the time hanging out, cuddling, watching telly, he even took me out to dinner (I paid half). Then…. As I was about to leave, he gives me $500.

I felt awful. I’d been worshipped for the last 2 days and now I was being rewarded for it?! He told me it was to spend on my holiday. Which he knew I was going on with my ex. Why am I surrounded by cyborgs?! Seriously, WTF. I told him I couldn’t take it. The original premise was that I would clean his house and he’d pay me some money so I could use it on my holiday. I felt that was pretty fair. Plus I’d do it in lingerie or a maid outfit so he could watch. But obviously there was no time to clean, there was barely time to eat! So I felt I hadn’t worked for my money at all.

There was a moment where he started feeling awkward due to my guilt of being paid for not cleaning. He told me that I should take however much of it I felt comfortable taking. I thought of my holiday and my lack of money. I told him I felt comfortable taking however much he could live without and that I promised to clean the next time. He told me again to take whatever I wanted, it’s a present for a good friend and the cleaning didn’t matter, he just wanted me to have a good holiday. I took the $500. BUT I told him I’d spend some of it on something for him and later on added that I’d spend some on charity. That made me feel ok about it.

I ended up spending some on a day trip out to a volcano island, and the rest on lingerie and sex toys. The day trip I figured was good because my parents had wanted to go but bad weather stopped them from going, so without telling them how I was able to fund it, I took lots of photos and they were so excited with my stories of the day. Although the sexy stuff was for me ultimately, I can always take pics and send them to him so he can see where his money is going. And next visit I’ll take some goodies with me.

I told him I didn’t have any money left to donate to charity and that I’d have to wait till next pay day and his response was “well I’ll send you money to cover the stuff from the sex shop and then you can use some of it for charity”. My god, this man is unbelievable. For the record, I said no – I need to spend it from my own money to warrant good karma, which I will *definitely* need after looking like a greedy bitch standing next to this genuine honourable caring man. I guess I’m still not feeling entirely equal with his generosity.. I’ll get there.

I’ve learnt a few things from this experience;
*Not to judge someone’s attractiveness based on age – personality always wins
*Older men are wayyyy more experienced in the bedroom – guys my age now seem like greedy fumbling virgins in comparison (sorry guys, is that too harsh? 😛 )
*Different things make different people happy
*BDSM (the proper half-an-hr-to-get-out-of-subspace-properly kind, not just fluffy handcuffs) is awesome
*If you have a lot of orgasms in a row, very quickly, they end up joining together creating a mammoth one. That lasts forever. And will make your neighbours jealous
*I need to see this guy again. Asap!
*Oddities suddenly become less important when everything else is amazing. I totes don’t care this guy has a few fake teeth, a stuffed teddy bear, and likes to lick me all over so much that all I can smell is spit. Lots of showers fixes the last one at least!

So girls, don’t be completely discouraged by an older gentleman. I’m convinced it’s a legit option now. And I hope some young toy boy will be writing something similar about me when I’m a cougar in the coming years!

Rambling Goat


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Hey Kids, WTF?

Well I just got back from a holiday and among all the craziness that’s just happened (posts coming on them, I promise), there’s one I need to get this off my chest right away.

I literally watched a kid shit on the ground in front of me today. Yep, just a casual shit on some concrete.

I had a straight face on the outside but on the inside, this was me:

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I asked him if he needed to go to the toilet and fix himself up. “Nope! I’m done”.

Cue the hunt for the grandparent (who used a shovel to fling it into a garden) and mother (who after taking him inside to wipe his bum had to clean up another nugget that dropped out of his pant leg) while I stood there speechless and completely out of my depth.

By now you guys should know that I’m definitely not ready to be a mum yet. Well this disturbing display just added on a few years to when I assume I’ll be ready (it was already going to be 10 years).

Like, let’s get back to basics here. Don’t kids learn how to use a potty?! I already admit to knowing nothing about being a mum but for some reason I still seem to casually babysit kids occasionally (thanks family!) and am shocked at something new every time.

Kids; strangest creatures.

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Rambling Goat