Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

Weddings can suck my metaphoric balls


This stupid wedding culture that exists pisses me off. I can’t stand listening, reading or watching people ramble on about the “perfect day” they deem worth of falling into perpetual debt for.

That life isn’t worth anything until you’ve met that milestone of being married.

Just so you can feel that 10 seconds of pride when you dangle that overpriced ring in the faces of your school mates at your reunion.

Here are some of the main things that make me loathe weddings.

“it’s HER special day
Women tend to think that a wedding is all about her. An excuse to be a “princess for a day”. Where anything goes because “it’s her special day”. It’s all about the bride.

She wants diamond encrusted napkins? Let her have it, it’s HER day.

Those silk chair covers that no one cares about cost $10K? Well, it’s HER day.

Honestly, it’s like these women can finally let their inner psycho bitch be free – but don’t worry it’s all about her so it’s okay if she gets all bridezilla.

What about the groom? Aren’t weddings meant to be about the union of two people and celebrating their commitment and love?

spending 50 billion dollars on one day
I never have and never will understand people spendin so much money on weddings. It’s wasteful, stupid, superficial and douchey. Why spend enough money to feed a small country for a year on a day for you to run yourself in everyone’s faces?

“But it’s the most important day of my life”. Well, if that’s the case then I feel bad for you son because you are setting yourself up for failure! I want to live my life trying to make every day better than the last, not put all my
Kittens in one basket and then exist in a puddle of regrets.


“But the memories!” Yeah, some of the best memories I have didn’t cost anything (or at the least the amount of a bottle of vodka), so again I feel sorry for you if you feel like you need to BUY the best memories of your life.

“But the photos need to be perfect!” iPhones take pretty awesome photos these days, and honestly people enjoy looking at the funny candid photos captured unknowingly by a friend than some douchey hipster wank close up of your hands, or looking longingly into the distance together under a coolabah tree. Who even does that in real life? If I want photos, I want hilarious ones that capture the awesomeness of reality, not some douche photographers “vision” of the “perfect wedding”.

expecting a shower of presents and money
So back in the day presents made sense because people would get married and THEN get a house together. Now, times have changed and most people live together already and have everything.

I refuse to buy off gift registries because they’re just a way for people to scam their loved ones for shit you don’t really need and can’t afford but want for your little superficial life. NOPE you get an oxfam goat or a handmade picture frame of that hilarious time.

the moral of the story
Too many people invest so much in this one day. How about investing in your whole life? Makes me wonder about the divorce rates and such in this world – maybe if people got their priorities straight it wouldn’t be so high.

I guess from this you would think I’m quite anti-marriage, aye? Well yes and no. I have never been your typical girl who has planned out her dream wedding – because I don’t have one and don’t desire a wedding to define my life.

However, if I felt I was with the right person then I would consider celebrating the sacrament of marriage to them to celebrate OUR relationship and commitment. (And so I can walk down the aisle to “I was made for loving you” by Kiss. I told the boy that and I think he thinks I’m joking but I’m totes not).

But it would be in a garden, with a jukebox, BBQ and lots of vodka so everyone can just party and enjoy themselves! And we would wake up the next morning thinking, “well that was a hectic party / how can we top that next weekend?”

Keep it real folks, many of life’s joys cannot be bought with a price tag

nonsense unicorn


Author: nonsenseunicorn

Just another twenty-something year old making sense out of madness. Boom.

5 thoughts on “Weddings can suck my metaphoric balls

  1. I wouldn’t usually say this out loud… and I wish my married friends & family the best and I thank them for inviting me to their weddings. Why, the last two times I went back to America were for weddings, which is nice. (Beats going to funerals though)

    However, I agree with this about 1000%

    • Don’t get me wrong, with free food and free booze it’s always goin to be a good time. And I too will support my friends in their wedding endeavours – I just think it’s unfortunate that the true meaning of it gets lost through the superficiality.

  2. So many lols! Coolabah tree! Hahaha

    But yes, my friend, I love you so much I could marry you (ironic much? :P).

    Personally I’d *maybe* have that BBQ drunk garden party ‘wedding’ at a total cost of $200 and skip the paper, ring, and all the legal stuff. I do however appreciate other people like to be ‘married’, and I’m a massive believer in marriage equality. I’d get married to a girl to say fuck you to all the homophobes, but then I’d be doing it for the wrong reasons ;).

    And just loudly, fuck you Australian prime minister for not allowing gay marriage. The blacks don’t sit at the back of the bus anymore and women can now vote. You don’t have to agree with things and feel free to discriminate in your head if you need to, but disallowing equality between your country’s citizens is a baaaad idea. Let’s overthrow the king!! Haha suddenly I’m feeling a little GoT.

    • Anarchyyyyy against the Golum prime minister! (Seriously, he looks like Golum and is just as greedy).

      It’s incredibly crazy that we don’t have equality here, I don’t understand why matters of the heart are being governed by prehistoric politicians.

      If I ever get married, I want a burger ring on my finger hahaha!

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