Well I’ve been busy renovating so haven’t had a whole lot of free time to do posts but I’m still reading all your lovely blogs.
This week has been looooong but considering I thought today was Wednesday (and its actually Friday), I’m wondering if that means it’s actually been a short week?! Oh well, whatevs.
Anyway never fear, I’m up to my usual antics. Today for instance I tried to push a chicken into its house and felt my finger touch (and push against) its butthole. We both freaked out and moved hastily away from the other. Awkward..
Yesterday my mum came over and we were drinking beer and eating chips on the couch. She dropped a chip and started feeling around for the chip between the couch and the armchair pushed against it. Well she didn’t find the chip, but instead reefed out a bag with a little bottle of lube and toy cleaner in it. ‘Ohh what’s this? Moist!’ Yep one had ‘MOIST – personal lubricant’ written on it. Fml.
The builder and tradesmen have been thoroughly entertained so far too, with one spotting me picking my nose (it was more of a quick scratch than a full dig..).
One day (I guess it was Wednesday – the real one) I turned up to be their labourer with pink nail polish on and got a few ‘ohh what a classic girl’ looks. Well I don’t own nail polish remover and had been to a party on the weekend so my bad. Didn’t help me gain any respect on a building site, that’s for sure. I should have pointed out my unshaved legs to help balance it out..
And the last week I picked up a couple of dog turds one morning and threw them into my toilet. I got distracted with the builder turning up so left and went next door to my parents house. Turns out one of the guys was a plumber and had been working on and around the toilet, with the lid up and turds sitting there for all to see. I came back later and asked the plumber if I could turn the water on or not. He replied “yes, just don’t use the bathroom unless you want me to see what you’ve been doing.” Ohhhh shit. He thinks the dog turds are mine. Well that’s awkward.
And no, I’m not done. See, I went to a party on the weekend. It had a 1920s ‘Great Gatsby’ theme so everything started fine and dandy, with class. I even wore a dress and heels *shock horror* – although it lasted an hr then I got changed into pants, a vest over a see-through shirt (with no bra reeoww!) and bowler hat.
Well apparently a party with free alcohol at the house where you’re sleeping is bad news because nek minute I’m drunkenly telling someone that I’m gonna be rich soon (I get a portion of profits on the house I’m renovating). And that I’m gonna ‘get my money out in 1 dollar bills and make it rain!’. We don’t have 1 dollar bills here, we have coins. And I have no idea who I was talking to but I remember the kind of laughter that a sober girl does while looking around for any excuse to get away from you.
Well then there’s god knows how long of time that I can’t remember and another memory. I told the guy who’s engagement party it was for that I was going to marry my ex (‘the hulk’). They’re soon to be brother in laws so I wasn’t drunkenly rambling about a random to this guy but I think I got a bit carried away with the whole engagement vibe – I don’t actually want to get married at all. And neither does the ex. I’m so anti-marriage that the only good thing I find at a wedding is hilarious speeches bagging the groom out and free booze.
Looking at the present table at this engagement party made me want to spew because giving people presents for ‘getting engaged’ aka ‘possibly going to get married in the future’ seems unnecessarily ridiculous to me. I’m possibly going to take a shit later but I don’t go around celebrating it and getting presents.
My friend (who got married, and now divorced) had a $400 toaster on her gift register. Get fucked. They’d already lived together for like 3 years and had everything, owned a house and all that. So what did cheeky little anti-marriage RG get her? An oxfam goat for a village in Africa. Suck a dick. You need to open your superficial materialistic little eyes and look at the world. And shove that fancy toaster up your clacker.
Needless to say we’re not friends anymore (not from the goat present) so I still grin at my awesome choice on that one. But yes, this all highlights how stupid I think weddings are. And yet here I was telling this guy I was going to get married. God. Must have been pretty wasted at that point.
At some point after that the mother’s friend (who is normally prim and proper and only has 1-2 wines) is passed out on the grass next to the aviary. Its always good to know your not the drunkest, so another drink!
Well we ended up in the hulks man cave watching the hobbit and while he was passed out (snoring while sitting up), I ask the room a question “what’s better, vaginas or dragons?”. I think there were about 11 people in there, 3 girls and the rest guys. One girl said penis (?) and ALL THE GUYS SAID DRAGONS. Well I said vagina, the other girl said vagina and that was enough for me. I started kissing her. All the boys turned and looked so I called them liars. Seems the thought of girls distracted them from their precious dragons on TV.
They pointed out that they loved vaginas but:
a) with a pet dragon you’d be able to get as many vaginas as you want and
b) they were high.
They also said vaginas don’t breathe fire and the Russian girl (who chose penis earlier) said “you dont know that”. Cue the questionable looks and thoughts of ‘oh god, does this russian chic know some awesome party trick?!’
The reasoning for vaginas was simple – they’re awesome. The smell, the wetness, the fact you can put your face in them. Yep, we were sticking to our guns, vaginas are better.
Anyway fuck it, I forgot about anyone else in the room and was quite enjoying myself biting this girl on the neck and such and then the hulk wakes up. We were sitting on the bed next to him so I guess he sensed 2 bisexual girls making out on his bed or something. But here’s the catch, he’s got the hots for her (and it seems that she does for him too). He can’t go for her because she’s a good friend of his brothers (apparently that’s a no-go zone), so what did drunken RG do? Said “hey watch this”, kissed her, then said “you jealous?” Yeah. I’m a bitch. He said no but I’d say he was just covering his own arse. In an ideal world that could have been a threesome but my world isn’t ideal – they all left soon after that and I vomited into a bucket while the hulk watched on. Yeah, I got karma.
And then instead of flying home on sunday, I chose to miss my flight (hungover plane trips are the worst!) and he paid for another flight for me on Monday. Oh, bless. He’s a darl.
And, I’m taking a break from drinking. Just kidding! But I won’t drink for 12 hrs straight again in a hurry. I was even drinking passion pop at one point.. Yeah the cheapest nastiest wine that 15 yr old girls drink. In fact it was the first alcohol I had – I was 13 and I fell down a flight of stairs. Classy since way back.
Anyway! I can’t even remember what the point of this post was anymore. That being an awkward drunken maniac is fun? I dunno, whatevs. Brain = good. Brb, gotta grow back some more brain cells.