We accept the love we think we deserve.
Ah, Perks of Being a Wallflower, how your words run true. Why is it that so many people find themselves in relationships that destroy them? I know it’s never as simple as the above quote, but I really wonder why sometimes. And many of us let our hearts me imprinted with soot and poo in these destructive relationships. Even me, once (or twice. I know, right?!)
Is it truly a reflection of how we view ourselves from within?
My heart went through quite an arduous journey at the hands of a fool, once upon a time. What was meant to be a one night stand turned into a tumultuous 3 year affair. In the beginning it was all good, after the initial one night stand we ended up meeting again for another night of frivolity. Which then turned into fortnightly meet ups and then on a weekly basis.
We would never just do the sexy time and then see ya later. We would talk, eat, play games, watch movies together until the early morning. For full weekends. Night after night. Long story short, the FWB situation morphed into a relationship.
A relationship that wasn’t a relationship.
Even though everything about our interaction was what one would consider a couple, if I ever brought it up he would make some kind of excuse that we can’t be together because of his depression, or because of my depression. That we could be together “when we get fixed”. Which never made sense and pissed me off so much because WE WERE A FREAKIN COUPLE. I’m not going to list all the shit that validates that, just take my word for it yeah? Yeah.
Now, I know some people would say that “the label shouldn’t matter”, and I used to think that until I got into this situation. But it does matter. It does, as it is a symbol for what you mean to that person – without putting the label on it, it allowed him the freedom to do whatever the hell he wanted but still get the benefits of a relationship when he wanted it. Like not saying hi to my parents when he came over because he had no obligation to. That’s not a very fair set up.
He would say we are monogamous, but still not say we are together (how does that make sense?) Which I honestly got jack shit of, so did end up sleeping with some other people after staying monogamous to him for so long because I thought, FUCK IT, why should I not go for it? I never told him about that, because he made me think for the first two years that he was sleeping with other people. Then one night admitted to me he was monogamous to me the whole time! WTF? Why mindfuck me and lie and make out you’re fucking other people when you’re not? MAJOR COMMITMENT ISSUES. Which I couldn’t see at the time, but I guess my indiscretions are somewhat like a secret revenge.
I used to do a lot of shit sexually to please him, although it wasn’t what I was into. I wanted to make him happy. He would pull my hair and choke me, whisper disgusting fantasies about making me lick shit off his dick, and I would smile all the while crying inside because that isn’t my scene. I did this because I lost myself – I felt that is the only way I could be desired if I did as he wanted of me.
There were even times when I did dick things and dog some friends for the guy (which I totes wouldn’t do anymore, but at the time you get blinded by love or whatever crap). I feel really bad about that now, but at the time I was so worried not to go to him when he asked in case he wouldn’t want me anymore.
The whole thing mad me feel like I didn’t deserve to be loved. That he wouldn’t commit to me because I’m an awful, disgusting, terrible person.
It finally ended when I met my current partner (which kinda probably is a dick way of it all ending, but sometimes things just happen for a reason or whatever). The current boy was meant to be a one night stand (that Rambling Goat pushed me into, haha!), but again what was meant to be a one night turned into texting and talking. I didn’t anticipate that anything would come of it, but there was something special about this new guy (dammit, I thought). So after a NYE of pondering whether I go with A or B, I decided the new boy was where my heart was pulled towards. So, one night I met up with the guy, told him I found someone else, he cried and called me a whore (hello, we are not a couple as you have so vehemently made clear, so don’t call me a whore!, I thought). And I finally walked away.
Funny after I walked away, he called me and told me how he loved me, that we should be together, we would move out together and have a life together. I told him it’s not going to happen. Isn’t it funny, you always want what you can’t have?
I share this story not because I’m “obsessed with my ex” or whatever – NOOO that ship has sailed a long time ago! I share this tale of woe as I have noticed many stories around me of people allowing themselves to be in shitty relationships for shitty reasons. And it’s not cool.
They say everything can be solved in hindsight. I look back on those times now and think, “gosh, what was wrong with me? Why did I let myself go through that pain for so long?” Of course that’s easy to say now as naturally I am older, wiser, and have effectively learnt from my mistakes. But at the time, I did not view myself in the same light as I do now (and heck, still got a way to go – but don’t we all?) I didn’t have the respect for myself that I should have, as I let the relationship make me believe that I wasn’t good enough to be loved. Which is a crock of shit, yes I know now, but at the time it really beat me down.
And that’s how I got to where I am today. I am in a pretty awesome relationship now because after the fires of the past I grew the courage to stand up for what I wanted and deserved – and apparently confidence is appealing so I scored me a keeper. Boom.
All relationships have their problems and issues – heck, even this one has tried my patience on more than one occasion. But regardless of those times where we may get on each other’s nerves some things never change – and that’s our love, trust and respect for each other.
We all deserve to be loved, to be respected in the way that we want.
Don’t let anyone bring you down and never settle for less.