Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life

Awkward Sexual Advances

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Well we’ve all had them, and its safe to say I’ve been on both sides.

So here’s a big sorry to the girl at the pub for grabbing your arse even after you asked “what the fuck are you doing?!”. My bad. Incredibly drunk. I even left my drink with a random gay guy at the door while I went outside to snort coke (my bad.. Again. It was free if that makes it any better?), I figured he’s the least likely one to spike my drink.

Another sorry goes out to my heavily tattooed ex’s friend, who while attending a tattoo party (we had a tattooist friend that would sit and do tattoos while the party was going), I lured in a bathroom. I’d just broken up with my ex and yes, the ex was at the party.

The friend was insanely hot at the time, wearing black, had tattoos, was smoking and had a nice smile. But on later thought, he was more of a shy pasty Goth/metal head, who although looked reasonably attractive, was only there to hang with my ex – he knew no one. And he knew I was his mates ex.

I drunkenly thought “I need to tell you a secret” was an awesome idea to get him in the bathroom, and when he got in the door, I started kissing him. He told me I smelled like vomit and left. I threw up less than 5 mins later on the carpet in a bedroom. Maybe he was a psychic not a Goth.. Did I mention my best friend was also in the bathroom with us kissing my fwb? Sharing is caring!

Now that my advances have been shared (I can’t remember any more, maybe there have been others?), I will share the awkward advances that were directed towards me.

Extended Family Members

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*One was a guy in his late 50s at a family Christmas BBQ. He said I looked beautiful in the dress I was wearing then interrupted me midway through a convo about the Beatles (I told him my dad liked them and even pointed to my dad who was looking over) to ask me what I found attractive in a man. I started saying “well I guess you find people attractive when you have common interests…” Etc and he interrupted with “no, not people, what do you look for in a man.” and grinned. He went to the bathroom and I hid under a table that my mum and nan were sitting at and told them he was being inappropriately sleazy. I saw under the table cloth him looking around for me. Hello, family BBQ and I’m 27 you creep. I heard later he had just divorced. Still unacceptable!

The last two just happened in the last few days.
*My great uncle (nan’s sister’s partner) who is in his early 80s told me I looked “very sexy” and that my body looks great. He asked my age now, I said 27 and he told me I “don’t look a day over 17”. This guy is awesome and he always says something about me looking good but sexy is probably not the right word to use (especially when also saying I look 17..). No ill intent, flirty yes, but he’s definitely not a pedo. Either way it was still a pretty awkward situation.

*I met my nan’s sister’s son for the first time (he’s in his 60s) and as I hugged him goodbye he grabbed the sides of my arse with both hands and squeezed a bit. Feck off! At least it wasn’t the full buttcheek grab but family members need to keep the hands away from the arse area! Common non-incestuous courtesy. It wasn’t an accident, I’m 100% sure. Creep.

Friends

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*I had a guy best friend who I hung out with all the time in high school. I’m a tomboy so riding my bike and sitting on my roof with guy friends was much more enjoyable than listening to Mariah Carey and wearing makeup. Anyway one time we were driving and he pulled over and said that his gf was ignoring him and that he wanted to make her jealous by kissing me. I said no chance, we were friends only. He said he’d show me some neck kiss that his brother described to him and then we wouldn’t have to kiss on the mouth. I said fine. He kissed the bit between my collar bone and neck. It was pretty nice but again, friends only so nothing is going to happen. I found out later his gf was pregnant (and she was ignoring him while coming to terms with it), they had the kid and are still together. Guess the awkward neck kiss was for nothing.

*I was hanging out with an ex and his new gf at her house. My best friend and his best friend were there too. The new gf made absinthe cocktails and while watching euro trip, we had to drink every time ‘Scotty’ was mentioned. It’s mentioned a lot. We missed the end of the movie.

My ex and his gf went to bed, my friend fell asleep on the toilet (and I had to drag her off and onto a mattress on the floor) and me and the friend were left. He asked where we were meant to sleep and my ex came out and pointed at the futon. Guess we’re sharing a bed. And the ex knows shit is gonna go down. So I proceeded to starfish with my ex’s best friend while my friend is passed out on the floor next to us. Oh, absinthe.

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*Well I was at a wizard party with a couple of good friends. For those of you don’t know the premise you dress up as a wizard and drink from cans. When you finish a can you duct tape another can on top of it and drink from that. It carries on and once your can (aka wizard staff) is as tall as you, you become a ‘wizard master’. If someone else also becomes a wizard master, you fight with your wizard staffs. Anyway obviously you get pretty drunk.

So me and a friend end up with a couple of guy friends on a bed having drunk convos (like suggesting there should be a musical about a guy called ‘dick-dick’, and how punctuation should be personified – look, at the time it made complete sense). One was on the floor in a sleeping bag and after saying I was cold he offered to unzip it and fold it over us to share. Sounds legit.

So we lay there chatting and then the scrapey scrapey starts. I guess another word for this is dry hump – I’m clothed and he’s clothed but he’s scraping and rubbing his groin against my arse area. Wtf dude. Potentially his friends looked over in that instance and thought we were rooting because we were under his sleeping bag but I can assure you we weren’t. It creates a bit of an awkward situation whereby im not sure if its an accident (is he dreaming and doing it in his sleep?!), and when I work out its not, what do I say?! I think in this instance I said “ummm I’ve gotta go to the loo..” This seems to happen when I hang with guy friends and they know I have a bf (and in a closed relationship). Please explain! Guys – is it so you can pretend you’re fucking and jizz in your pants?

*I was catching up with friends (2 were a married couple) and I happened to see an old mate that I hadn’t seen in like 7 years. We were all having a good time and the wife cracked the shits and we all decided we should just go. The husband invited me back with them (the friend was renting out their spare room) to carry on drinking – presumably while the wife slept – and I said ok.

We got back to their house, the hubby stayed up drinking with me for maybe one drink then went to bed and the friend said he was going to sleep too. I went 40 mins from where we were drinking to have one drink?! No chance. I ran into the friends bedroom and jumped on him in the bed and told him to stay up and chat. He said if I want to keep talking I could stay in his room and we could chat in there. I’m cool with sharing beds with my friends, I’m attracted to girls and don’t have sex with girl friends that I share a bed with. So it was no big deal. From my end.

I took my top off so I could sleep in just my undies (he didnt see anything). Like hell I was going to sleep in the smokey clothes I’d worn all night. My friend had given me clothes to sleep in but I didnt entirely feel comfortable doing that seeing as she had the shits and basically threw them at me. And it was hoooot. Plus I thought with the blanket over me it’d be no big deal. And he was half asleep. Seemed fine in my mind.

He told me about all the friends of ours he’d slept with and I was shocked, he was a shy nerdy type when I knew him. He suddenly kissed me and I told him that was a baaaad idea, sorry if he got the wrong idea, I had a bf. He told me I wanted him, that’s why I jumped on him and had no top on. Well for most girls maybe but I’m pretty free and open and like that with everyone. I told him that was not my intention at all.

Well the awkwardness got worse because when I rolled over to try and sleep he did some scrapey scrapey (seriously guys, why?!) then kneeled on the bed and wanked. Not even kidding. Wow, so I don’t talk to him anymore. And the next morning my ‘friend’ the wife, accused me of cheating on my bf and then a couple of days later ‘defriended’ me from life through a fb msg for lying. I didn’t lie! All I wanted was to hang out with friends and drink! Seriously. People are fucked.

Drunk Encounters

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*I was with 2 of my good friends and this drunk guy ran up to us and said “3 girls, 1 guy, my chances are pretty good!” No they’re not. Its 4pm and we’re sober. It did make me laugh though.

Ok this post is now reeeeeally long so I’ll just do one more.
*I was preeeeetty drunk and hanging out at a friends bday night with a couple of guys I knew. So I’m outside, in the city, its 3am and the bar is now closed. Half an hour earlier I was trying to set up this girl with one of the guys I’d been hanging around. My magical drunken hookup ability was shithouse, like usual. So we’re all outside standing in a group, most of them sitting and we were just chatting. I was standing facing them.

Then low and behold, the guy that I’d been trying to set up earlier suddenly had his hand in my pants. He’d crept down the back and was fingering me in front of a bunch of people. No warning. And I’m sure I carried on talking for a few minutes before I actually realised what was happening. My bad, pretty drunk.

As much as I was shocked about his no words necessarily attitude, it kinda got me interested. Who does that?! Better find out. Well I didn’t go home with him that night (it would have created a logistical nightmare) but he did end up being a fwb.

****
In conclusion, awkward sexual advances make for a good story later, and even if we’re not interested in the person, we should probably take it as a compliment. Aaaand then laugh about it to our friends 😉

Rambling Goat

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Author: ramblingg0at

Life loves to set me up for its own entertainment. But instead of me hiding these awkward moments, I plan on sharing them for my own (and possibly your) amusement. Now who's laughing, life?

13 thoughts on “Awkward Sexual Advances

  1. Haha oh that Tattoo party! Man, had to get the taxi to pull over so you could vom, I was like “she’s right dude, give us 5 minutes I swear!” HAHAAHA oh how drunken barfing brings people together 🙂

  2. I’m telling you, put these stories in your standup comedy act!

    It’s good you started out with sorrys. Are you in a 12-step program?

    Extended family, yuch. That’s all to say about that.

    So, did you learn anything about sharing beds and sleeping bags with male friends…

    And what’s up with so many parties featuring exes? Do you feel it’s a normal thing, because so many people are in the same scene, or do you feel it’s something that gets out of hand after a while? For me, I like to move every few years to avoid this sort of thing. Lately I’m going to more social events with more exes in the background, and it gets very awkward. I wish me and everyone else could be mature and just deal with it, but instead this tension lingers in the air and I don’t like it. At a book exchange event my ex glared at me the whole time — and I knew I couldn’t invite the girl I’m currently seeing because she’d be there. At a rave people ask me about my old girlfriend and a few fbw are scattered in the crowd and I just don’t want them to meet each other. At a recent dinner with couples my girl is so paranoid about people gossipping about us. It goes on and on.

    It sounds fun to get drunk at parties and seduce ex’s mates and laugh it off, to toplessly share a bed and if it gets bad just stop talking to that person and move on, to starfish with ex’s bf while your bf passed out on the floor. What an awesome life you lead! But tell me, is it stressful and gets to you sometimes are you just a beaming rainbow making the most out of life? Well, this blog is called turning lamebos into rainbows isn’t it.

    A very good read, I thank you for sharing.

    • Not a comedian, just a shameless role model 😛 I hope people reading this will realise that shit happens and you just need to laugh about it, no one is perfect. The Queen farts and Obama trips over. These are the things that make life interesting 🙂

      No 12 steps, just karma. If I’m going to talk about other people acting strange then I need to admit to my own debauchery! Its only fair.

      I’ve slept (and even spooned) with plenty of guy friends and not had anything sexual come of it. So no I haven’t learnt anything! Maybe those guys didn’t just think of me in a friend way?

      • Making life interesting indeed.

        I guess everyone is different. I daresay maybe those noble guy friends just aren’t that libidinous?

        I wrote about a situation of mine before, in which a platonic female friend climbed into my bed and I rather embarrassed myself and then nothing came of it. And I swear I still think of her in a friend way! She later told me she camped with another mutual friend in the same sleeping bag and he thought it was no big deal. I could hardly believe such male specimens exist. Well, oh well.

        Hey always copy the text before you post just in case, my fingers have the ctrl-a ctrl-c totally muscle memorized 😉

        • Well I’ll put the bed sharing thing like this – if nonsense unicorn was topless in a bed next to me, I still wouldn’t try and crack on to her. Friends are friends. So that’s how I think for guy friends. I guess if a guy doesn’t think of me as a friend, and actually looks at me differently (before I got anywhere near the bed), then that’s where it becomes an awkward situation. Some people you have a sexual attraction for, some you don’t. If someone is a true friend then the sexual attraction for me goes to a zero (friend-zoned) and I figure that would be reciprocated. Guess it doesn’t always match up as the same..

    • I love my ex’s – literally! They’re people I’ve had a connection with and if we don’t work put as partners then it doesn’t mean I’m going to ignore them for the rest of my life. I would happily drink and hang out with any of my ex’s at a party. And if I had a new partner, I’d introduce them. People only make it weird if they think too much about it. I don’t bother, I keep it simple in my mind. And if a new partner has jealousy issues with my ex’s or guy friends, that’s their problem. I’m not going to change my friends to suit someone else.

      The more you do what you want, the less you care about what people think. And I guess that’s how you have fun and get good stories 😉

      I’m not stressed at all, so beaming drunk horny rainbow it is! Haha

  3. Dammit I just typed another reply and it didn’t work.

    Awkward story: be lured into the car by a same culprit, who ended up being a fumbly joe so I had to pretend to cry to get out of going further! Haha stupid fool, unfortunately for me he likes to tell people it was a conquest – if only they knew the truth!

    • Me too arghh! Damn you WordPress!

      If only I knew before hand! I should have started crying when he started wanking hahahahahaha! Yeah all he had to do was tell ‘the wife’ that we didn’t root and it would have confirmed what I said. But to be fair, any friend that doesn’t believe me (and yells at me about how I should run my life – wtf!) isn’t a real friend anyway so it was for the best.

      Karma gets the people that deserve it 😉

  4. I adore your stories, have I told you that lately?

  5. Great stories! I enjoyed all of it.

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