Turning Lamebos Into Rainbows

Rambling Goat and Nonsense Unicorn present… The Awesome Person's Guide to Life


I pooped during sex – what’s your secret?

Secrets. We all have them (no matter how self righteous you wanna try and be about your life, it is inevitable that there is something you have done that you kinda don’t want people to know about). If you think you’re secretless – you’re lying!

I guess it’s human nature for us to one time in our lives to be a jerk;


or hurt someone else;


or do something hideously embarrassing;



or sometimes it’s what everyone else is thinking but you don’t know it;



maybe it was not really a big deal at all;


maybe it was actually an epic win;


Sometimes we fear we won’t be accepted for who we are;


And sometimes we just do dumb things even though we know better;



But in the end, secrets usually tend to surmount from imposing feelings of guilt, shame, or downright embarrassment. Or maybe sometimes you keep the secret not because you actually feel bad about it, but because you feel bad for the consequences on someone else. I don’t know.

But I guess the moral of the story is – so many of us are drowning in the shame and guilt that happens in our lives. And the fact is – everybody fucks up in one way or another. So we shouldn’t beat ourselves up over these things…. and something something *insert enlightening thought about accepting yourself and your faults yadda yadda*

SO,  maybe it’s a good thing that there’s apps like Postsecret and Whisper (images courtesy of) that we can use to let go of our inner turmoils – throw those secrets into the universe and let yourself be free! (and entertain other people while you’re at it,  it’s a win-win!)

(ps: I totally did poop – ever so slightly – once during sex. We had some bad chinese for lunch, tummy was gurgling, and all the pressure an orgasm causes down there … well, you know the rest! Still don’t know if the guy knew, I kinda got up and backed my way to the shower… but I’m never going to ask him!)

Nonsense Unicorn



A Day in the Life of Rambling Goat

Well I woke up the other morning to the smell of a septic tank. Nice. I think the pipes were completely empty is something cos it also smelled of old pipes. Oh well, I just flushed the toilet a few times and ran some taps to get rid of the smell.

I did a load of washing in the morning and only remembered it after lunch, whoops. I couldn’t hang it on the line because it was raining (it wasn’t raining when I put the load on!) so my house became a makeshift clothes line.

At lunch I decided to msg Mr Married. After sending a dirty msg I realise the inappropriateness of sexting a guy who’s looking after his sick dad. I guess its a catch 22; he’s away from his wife for the week so he’s been chatting more than usual but I should probably let him look after his dad and not bother him, and especially not with dirty convos. He writes back “Haha I’m going to have to go for a bit, I don’t think anyone should be this horny when they’re about to walk into a nursing home”. My bad x2.


Then in the afternoon I had a shower and hopped out, put my towel on my face (and rubbed my eyes) then realised my towel smelled of septic tank. I threw it onto the ground in like .5 of a second and grabbed another one. I guess the smell soaked into it? Again with a pink-eye freakout, I’m reeeeeally starting to get used to this.

So I go to get out some underwear knowing that it’s rag time. There’s only white underwear in my drawer (you just really don’t want to take that risk), all the others are damp laying on a chair fooouuurrrccckk!! So I throw a pair onto the heater to dry (but turn it off so it doesn’t catch fire or something) and put on some trackies.

Now for the chooks. Well all I have to do is go to their run and close the door to their house but I can’t find shoes except old work boots. Oh well they’ll do. All goes well (considering it’s pitch black and I have no torch) until I slip on a hose on the way back. It had been raining in the day but at least it wasn’t still raining I guess.

I get back to the house and smell the septic again. Eeeew seriously life! Not funny! I run a whole bunch of taps and the smell goes away. That or my nose gets used to the smell. I prefer the former.

I go to get a beer and there’s no cold ones. I considered putting warm beer in a cup with some iceblocks.. Well I’m not THAT desperate. Tonight. Can’t say I’ve never done it.

I turn the heater back on and sit watching my underwear dry and thinking ‘yeeeeep just another day of unfortunate incidents’. But on the plus side, I didn’t start twitching and I didn’t amount to drinking warm beer. As my dad always says “I’m unlucky with the little things but I’m lucky with the bigger stuff”. True that!

Rambling Goat

Oh yeah and a footnote to that story – I’ve self diagnosed myself with worms. I’ve given up on the random itchy butt being an injury from anal sex before a chilli festival and got some worming tablets from the chemist.

Look rah rah rah, I should just go to the doctor (I’ve never actually had worms so its all just a guess) but I read that the doctor puts sticky tape over your butthole then rips it off and examines it. And if they don’t see any worms on it (eeeeew!!) then they do a stool test (double eeewwww!!!). Fuck that shit. Thanks internet for the warning! Self diagnosis for the win!


So Fugly they’re Cute

I’ve been watching some animal doco’s lately and thought I’d share some so-fugly-they’re-cute animals I’ve seen 😀




Bear meets lemur meets pig.

Kangaroo Rat



Its tiny and jumps like a kangaroo awww!

Elephant Shrew


It has a freakin trunk!

Bumblebee Bat



Its soooo tiny!

If you want to see some even weirder motherfucking shit (sorry but when you see the photos you’ll understand why I need to use that language) go here. Its probably safe to look at before bed but I’ve just been looking at before and after methhead mugshots and can’t sleep, so maybe my freak-out radar is a bit distracted. And now Embarrassing Bodies is on TV and they just said “painful pustules” and “teeth abscesses”. Fuuuuuuuck I’m screwed.

Rambling Goat


Questions to Life #5

1. How do people with no arms wank? With their feet?! Wow, that’s an awkwardly disturbing image. Or do they attach a vibrator/dildo/fleshlight to a wall?

2. How do hedgehogs/porcupines/echidnas mate?! Spikes = baaad.

3. Is rap technically poetry read out loud? With a beat behind it?

4. Why is the bullseye in darts only worth 50 points when a triple 20 is 60 points?! Can’t they just bump the bullseye to 70 to make it worth aiming for??

5. What if dreaming is actually our consciousness travelling to another spot in the universe (or parallel universe), and when we wake up and think ‘that was an odd thing to think up’, it actually literally *happened* out there somewhere?

Wow this ended up pretty deep.

Rambling Goat


I need a drink.

Well another day, another morning of waking up with no pants on (seriously this happens to me a LOT), another freak out day where my little cousin takes control of my tablet (there’s really too much suss stuff on here.. My bad), and another moment of realisation that I’m all class (a hole in my sock, a stain on my pants next to my groin – and I’ve been interacting with people, what is it and how long has that been there?!?!?! – aaaand a pimple forming right next to my lip).

Ain’t life grand.

Well the good news is that my tablet will be back in my full possession by the end of the week. The bad news is it already has a whole bunch of farm animal and adopted pet games on it.

I love her enthusiasm but just because I watch pokemon doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy ‘petting’ a dog called Bingo with my finger to a touchscreen. I’ve got real dogs. One of those delightful dogs I speak of humped her when she sat on the floor next to it and then my other dog humped the first dog. Hump train. Can’t beat reality!

Twelve and a half hours of unwarranted babysitting of a child today makes me realise that kids are a long way off in my life. Looooong way. My clothes have been on the line for 2 days, I haven’t crapped in 2 days and I’ve taught myself (and a little humanoid) how to make a stuffed toy from an idea (BMO from adventure time) and some scrap fabric. Did I even eat today?!

I need a holiday.

And i’m only 2 days in.


I’ve got more posts to finish and put up but I’ll be a little MIA while I question how a non-sugar eating child has so much energy and/or run away from home. She’s a good kid but I need that part of my brain back that remembers to turn the stove off. Apparently for me its also the child-minding part of the brain.

And a big sorry, I find children posts as boring as poetry. Wasn’t intending on this being a ‘I’m slowly going bald’ rant but I guess being exhausted does crazy things to your brain. Like affecting the ability and motivation to use a tv remote. So much respect for parents and anyone who spends everyday working with kids right now; you guys are amazing.

Lesson I have learnt from this: go to bed before the end-of-day twitching starts.

Rambling Goat

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#14: Revolving Closets

Ahh so true! Stupid society.

stuff bisexuals like

The kind of revolving closets bisexuals like isn’t the kind that holds a lot of different outfits. We do tend to have a ton of clothing, as we change our outfits as often as we change our minds, but that’s a topic for another post.

For bisexuals, coming out of the closet is a lifelong process. One day we are in the closet, the next day we are out, and then a week later, we’re back in. The bisexual closet door tends to resemble one of those revolving doors you see absolutely everywhere in Chicago. Depending on who we are dating or just sleeping with at the time, our closet status changes. We try to come out, but then we’re right back in. And then we’re just in the wrong closet. (Anne Coulter? What are you doing in here?) And then we’re open.

Events like National Coming Out Day leave…

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Awkward Sexual Advances

Well we’ve all had them, and its safe to say I’ve been on both sides.

So here’s a big sorry to the girl at the pub for grabbing your arse even after you asked “what the fuck are you doing?!”. My bad. Incredibly drunk. I even left my drink with a random gay guy at the door while I went outside to snort coke (my bad.. Again. It was free if that makes it any better?), I figured he’s the least likely one to spike my drink.

Another sorry goes out to my heavily tattooed ex’s friend, who while attending a tattoo party (we had a tattooist friend that would sit and do tattoos while the party was going), I lured in a bathroom. I’d just broken up with my ex and yes, the ex was at the party.

The friend was insanely hot at the time, wearing black, had tattoos, was smoking and had a nice smile. But on later thought, he was more of a shy pasty Goth/metal head, who although looked reasonably attractive, was only there to hang with my ex – he knew no one. And he knew I was his mates ex.

I drunkenly thought “I need to tell you a secret” was an awesome idea to get him in the bathroom, and when he got in the door, I started kissing him. He told me I smelled like vomit and left. I threw up less than 5 mins later on the carpet in a bedroom. Maybe he was a psychic not a Goth.. Did I mention my best friend was also in the bathroom with us kissing my fwb? Sharing is caring!

Now that my advances have been shared (I can’t remember any more, maybe there have been others?), I will share the awkward advances that were directed towards me.

Extended Family Members


*One was a guy in his late 50s at a family Christmas BBQ. He said I looked beautiful in the dress I was wearing then interrupted me midway through a convo about the Beatles (I told him my dad liked them and even pointed to my dad who was looking over) to ask me what I found attractive in a man. I started saying “well I guess you find people attractive when you have common interests…” Etc and he interrupted with “no, not people, what do you look for in a man.” and grinned. He went to the bathroom and I hid under a table that my mum and nan were sitting at and told them he was being inappropriately sleazy. I saw under the table cloth him looking around for me. Hello, family BBQ and I’m 27 you creep. I heard later he had just divorced. Still unacceptable!

The last two just happened in the last few days.
*My great uncle (nan’s sister’s partner) who is in his early 80s told me I looked “very sexy” and that my body looks great. He asked my age now, I said 27 and he told me I “don’t look a day over 17”. This guy is awesome and he always says something about me looking good but sexy is probably not the right word to use (especially when also saying I look 17..). No ill intent, flirty yes, but he’s definitely not a pedo. Either way it was still a pretty awkward situation.

*I met my nan’s sister’s son for the first time (he’s in his 60s) and as I hugged him goodbye he grabbed the sides of my arse with both hands and squeezed a bit. Feck off! At least it wasn’t the full buttcheek grab but family members need to keep the hands away from the arse area! Common non-incestuous courtesy. It wasn’t an accident, I’m 100% sure. Creep.



*I had a guy best friend who I hung out with all the time in high school. I’m a tomboy so riding my bike and sitting on my roof with guy friends was much more enjoyable than listening to Mariah Carey and wearing makeup. Anyway one time we were driving and he pulled over and said that his gf was ignoring him and that he wanted to make her jealous by kissing me. I said no chance, we were friends only. He said he’d show me some neck kiss that his brother described to him and then we wouldn’t have to kiss on the mouth. I said fine. He kissed the bit between my collar bone and neck. It was pretty nice but again, friends only so nothing is going to happen. I found out later his gf was pregnant (and she was ignoring him while coming to terms with it), they had the kid and are still together. Guess the awkward neck kiss was for nothing.

*I was hanging out with an ex and his new gf at her house. My best friend and his best friend were there too. The new gf made absinthe cocktails and while watching euro trip, we had to drink every time ‘Scotty’ was mentioned. It’s mentioned a lot. We missed the end of the movie.

My ex and his gf went to bed, my friend fell asleep on the toilet (and I had to drag her off and onto a mattress on the floor) and me and the friend were left. He asked where we were meant to sleep and my ex came out and pointed at the futon. Guess we’re sharing a bed. And the ex knows shit is gonna go down. So I proceeded to starfish with my ex’s best friend while my friend is passed out on the floor next to us. Oh, absinthe.


*Well I was at a wizard party with a couple of good friends. For those of you don’t know the premise you dress up as a wizard and drink from cans. When you finish a can you duct tape another can on top of it and drink from that. It carries on and once your can (aka wizard staff) is as tall as you, you become a ‘wizard master’. If someone else also becomes a wizard master, you fight with your wizard staffs. Anyway obviously you get pretty drunk.

So me and a friend end up with a couple of guy friends on a bed having drunk convos (like suggesting there should be a musical about a guy called ‘dick-dick’, and how punctuation should be personified – look, at the time it made complete sense). One was on the floor in a sleeping bag and after saying I was cold he offered to unzip it and fold it over us to share. Sounds legit.

So we lay there chatting and then the scrapey scrapey starts. I guess another word for this is dry hump – I’m clothed and he’s clothed but he’s scraping and rubbing his groin against my arse area. Wtf dude. Potentially his friends looked over in that instance and thought we were rooting because we were under his sleeping bag but I can assure you we weren’t. It creates a bit of an awkward situation whereby im not sure if its an accident (is he dreaming and doing it in his sleep?!), and when I work out its not, what do I say?! I think in this instance I said “ummm I’ve gotta go to the loo..” This seems to happen when I hang with guy friends and they know I have a bf (and in a closed relationship). Please explain! Guys – is it so you can pretend you’re fucking and jizz in your pants?

*I was catching up with friends (2 were a married couple) and I happened to see an old mate that I hadn’t seen in like 7 years. We were all having a good time and the wife cracked the shits and we all decided we should just go. The husband invited me back with them (the friend was renting out their spare room) to carry on drinking – presumably while the wife slept – and I said ok.

We got back to their house, the hubby stayed up drinking with me for maybe one drink then went to bed and the friend said he was going to sleep too. I went 40 mins from where we were drinking to have one drink?! No chance. I ran into the friends bedroom and jumped on him in the bed and told him to stay up and chat. He said if I want to keep talking I could stay in his room and we could chat in there. I’m cool with sharing beds with my friends, I’m attracted to girls and don’t have sex with girl friends that I share a bed with. So it was no big deal. From my end.

I took my top off so I could sleep in just my undies (he didnt see anything). Like hell I was going to sleep in the smokey clothes I’d worn all night. My friend had given me clothes to sleep in but I didnt entirely feel comfortable doing that seeing as she had the shits and basically threw them at me. And it was hoooot. Plus I thought with the blanket over me it’d be no big deal. And he was half asleep. Seemed fine in my mind.

He told me about all the friends of ours he’d slept with and I was shocked, he was a shy nerdy type when I knew him. He suddenly kissed me and I told him that was a baaaad idea, sorry if he got the wrong idea, I had a bf. He told me I wanted him, that’s why I jumped on him and had no top on. Well for most girls maybe but I’m pretty free and open and like that with everyone. I told him that was not my intention at all.

Well the awkwardness got worse because when I rolled over to try and sleep he did some scrapey scrapey (seriously guys, why?!) then kneeled on the bed and wanked. Not even kidding. Wow, so I don’t talk to him anymore. And the next morning my ‘friend’ the wife, accused me of cheating on my bf and then a couple of days later ‘defriended’ me from life through a fb msg for lying. I didn’t lie! All I wanted was to hang out with friends and drink! Seriously. People are fucked.

Drunk Encounters


*I was with 2 of my good friends and this drunk guy ran up to us and said “3 girls, 1 guy, my chances are pretty good!” No they’re not. Its 4pm and we’re sober. It did make me laugh though.

Ok this post is now reeeeeally long so I’ll just do one more.
*I was preeeeetty drunk and hanging out at a friends bday night with a couple of guys I knew. So I’m outside, in the city, its 3am and the bar is now closed. Half an hour earlier I was trying to set up this girl with one of the guys I’d been hanging around. My magical drunken hookup ability was shithouse, like usual. So we’re all outside standing in a group, most of them sitting and we were just chatting. I was standing facing them.

Then low and behold, the guy that I’d been trying to set up earlier suddenly had his hand in my pants. He’d crept down the back and was fingering me in front of a bunch of people. No warning. And I’m sure I carried on talking for a few minutes before I actually realised what was happening. My bad, pretty drunk.

As much as I was shocked about his no words necessarily attitude, it kinda got me interested. Who does that?! Better find out. Well I didn’t go home with him that night (it would have created a logistical nightmare) but he did end up being a fwb.

In conclusion, awkward sexual advances make for a good story later, and even if we’re not interested in the person, we should probably take it as a compliment. Aaaand then laugh about it to our friends 😉

Rambling Goat